Scare me to Death
by orkide
Summary: Starting college Bella hoped to escape the darkness in herself. She signs up for free therapy where she meets glorious Edward, whose job is to force her to open up and face her fears. Will he be able to save her? BxE. AU-AH. M for future lemons/drugs
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Twilight and all of it's characters are only borrowed for my enterainment purposes only, I own nothing.

Thanks to all the hits, favorites and reviews - you make my day!

**Chapter 1**

First day of college. I was used to only juggling a dozen classrooms, then only having to cross a small courtyard to shrug off pragmatism and enter freedom in the shape of my car and my cd-player in it. Imagine my utter shock, stepping out of the rental van, containing the tiny collection of all my earthly possessions in it, gazing at the amazing college grounds. Compared to my hometown of Forks in either size or habitants, I was not sure which would win.

I saw my dad, Charlie Swan, police chief back home, manage his step a second, warily eyeing the view in silence. I knew this look. He was afraid to let his little girl go into the big world. And he was probably feeling slightly intimidated by the big world himself. I huffed irritated, starting to carry my stuff towards the direction my little print-out map said my dorm would be. I heard him speed up behind me and catching up, and I was happy to see he carried a heavier load then mine so there'd be less back's and forth's.

"Bella, are you sure you are ready for this?" Charlie glanced worriedly over the brown paper box at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Dad, I'm 21 years old now, if I'm not ready by now I might as well just throw in the towel and start gathering my collection of cats," I said darkly, letting it seep through just how much I had resented myself for not going off to college immediately after high school. Instead I stayed home working in a local shop not quite daring to take the big plunge into adulthood. Watching Mrs. Newton there, a small-town beauty queen who never dared to leave, stuck between the isles of fishing gear, made me shiver just to think of it. She'd been what had made me take the final plunge, so in some sick way I had to be thankful for her life not turning out better then it had.

"Allright, Bells." He wasn't going to push it further, knowing he had to tread easily to not push me away. It wasn't many years ago when we couldn't even be in the same room for more then minutes before I picked a fight. I shuddered in guilt thinking of how I'd been, blaming him for being unable to keep my feelings inside. I knew how now.

I fumbled for my map again, and steered us down the halls towards room 1109. There were hardly any space left for us to maneuver in, the linoleum-covered hallways were filled with people unpacking and stacking boxes, or just people chattering and saying goodbyes.

We reached the right door; I raised my hand to knock, but noticed it was already open and gave it a push instead. A blonde girl turned by the sound, or, twirled would be a more appropriate word; I had no words to express Rosalie's bodily movements. She beamed a bright welcoming smile towards us and chirped. Chirped.

"Ooh, hii!" She moved towards me, I entered the room and put my box down to shake her hand. "I am so happy to meet you, I am Rosalie Hale." She shook my hand gracefully, I stuttered my name clumsily. She moved on to Charlie, who seemed, just as I was, a bit uncomfortable with the friendliness and stunned by her beauty. Being emotionally reserved ran in the family, never easily carried away with emotions, at least not the ones in the positive end of the scale. We were especially not at ease when we met those who mastered the art of congeniality.

The room was middle sized, a hidden line splitting the room in two, the sides mirror images of the other. Two beds, two windows, two desks and closets. The walls were painted in faded blue and cheap furniture, a faint glow of institutionalization.

"Well, wow, I must say I am relieved," she drew the back of her hand dramatically over her forehead, laughing. "I was worried I'd be stuck with someone strange, but I can see you're not, so, phew. I got a normal roomie! Yay!"

Charlie and I let go a strained laughter. There was uncomfortable silence after, I was unsure how to pick up a conversation after being announced normal, which was pretty much what I could dare to hope for in best case scenario, and I was painfully aware of the fact that there was pretty much only a downhill slope for her impression of me from now on.

As if coordinated, Charlie and I turned to each other and started to find reasons for him to split. We'd have a better chance of pulling this off if he wasn't here to help me put my foot in my mouth.

Don't get me wrong, I am not person you would suspect if hearing about a home town massacre. But not being shunned, nay, actually being counted as "normal" by the views of Rosalie's like was like being crowned queen for people with my popularity rank.

I started careful conversation with Rosalie while unpacking, she seemed nice and we got along surprisingly fine. I had to strain myself to be happy and smile more then I normally would, hardly noticing that I shamelessly let my dad carry all my stuff back and forth. I don't think he minded.

The last time he returned, he brought with himself an unexpected surprise. My best friend from back home, Jake. "Look who I found wandering campus," dad chuckled merrily, before setting the last box down.

"Hi, Bella! You just arrived? I got here yesterday, this place is unbelievable!" Jake nearly jumped up and down of excitement.

I didn't feel as uncomfortable viewing his public display of joy as I did Rosalie, but then again I felt as comfortable near Jake as any. He had been my friend my entire life, and now we got to go to the same college. I had asked him several times if he was sure this was the college he really wanted to attend, even though he easily could be accepted many other places with more revered zoology programs. I didn't want him to come just on account on me, and I found it pleasing he actually liked the place.

"I haven't seen much more then distantly, with boxes covering most of my view, but I am glad you like it," I smiled. Jake was a synonym to my smiles. We had a very easy going relationship, always having tons of fun. I didn't have anyone else like that in my life, I guess I didn't really like to meet new people. Only reason I was even trying with Rosalie was this recent drive I felt inside of me, thrilled to be a new place and starting all over again. With my best friend there with me.

"Will you join me for a coffee at the coffee shop later on? I am dying to catch up," Jake nearly begged. We hadn't seen each other the last weeks; I had to pull some extra shifts to feel like I put some money in my college funds. I had enough money there, for four lifetimes of attending college, but I wanted to contribute to it myself. I didn't just want to leech off it.

"Sure, let me just unpack and I'll give you a call. Live far off?"

"Nope, three minutes of walking away, see you then," he flashed a smile and said bye to Charlie and Rosalie.

"Well, I guess that's my cue as well," Charlie muttering, dreading the upcoming departure scene. Mostly because we had an audience who probably cried and wrote theatrical scenes of their family's goodbye's, but it felt tense to share something as intimate as a hug between us even when alone. Rosalie looked anticipating at us as we closed the gap between us, waiting for a dramatic father-daughter farewell.

We embraced awkwardly.

"Bye, Bells." Dad coughed forcedly.

"Bye, dad."

He smiled towards Rosalie, then turned and left. I exhaled.

"So, want to come with me to a back to school party later on? Bring your friend Jake, if you'd like." Rosalie broke the silence after awhile of me unpacking various clothing items. She shot a look at my pile. I cringed under the inspection. She was nice enough to not say anything, but I saw her eyebrows rise knowingly. This gesture forced me into accepting, just as to save myself from losing my status as "normal according to Rosalie".

It's not that I didn't want to party, I was personally just not that experienced with big parties. This stems from the fact of the short list of people actually eligible to perform underage drinking in Forks. Everyone knows everyone as well, and everyone has to shop their clothes at "Forks Clothing Shop". Notice the name not even opening for the possibility of there being more then one place selling clothes. Plus, I have lately had a series of uncontrollable reactions which I'd like to keep away from public, especially now with my new, fine and shiny title as normal. But I would have to risk it. I wanted to risk it, I realized, suddenly feeling excitement rising in my belly. A new and normal life, perhaps all my worries from past would not be following me into college? Could I escape that easily?

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**Don't worry about the J/B relationship, Edward will be introduced soon enough. **

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	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Twilight and all of it's characters are not my creation.

**Chapter 2**

I had to resort to my mini-map when inelegantly stumbling around campus looking for the little coffee shop where Jake wanted to meet me. He said it was called Coffee Bean, and should be located somewhere between somewhere and somewhere. Needless to say, I had never been awarded any medal for my orienteering skills. A few years earlier dad and I had gone hiking he'd insisted tying me to him with a rope just to be safe.

I finally felt like I was getting closer, hope raised and my eyes desperately searching for anything remotely related to a coffee place, then wind grabbed my precious mini-map. I felt like my lifeline was ruthlessly taken away from me, and I can only imagine the fierceness gleaming in my eyes as I threw myself after the piece of paper. I, used to the lack of people wandering the streets in Forks, didn't even think to calculate moving people or other dangerous objects in range of my spring towards the map. So. Yes, I banged into a guy, head first.

People hardly paused to view the spectacle, thankfully they probably were used to seeing crazy people throwing themselves at others now and then. I stumbled onto my feet in an instance after knocking the guy over, blurted a sorry and started walking quickly away, blushing madly while feeling the adrenaline and need to get away from the situation taking me over.

"Hey, your map?" He shouted after me. I halted. I really didn't want to turn, shaking slightly. I bit my lip, I needed that map dearly. I cursed. Then turned and walked back over to him again. I whimpered when I looked at him. Of course, he had to be the prettiest person I'd ever seen. No, I couldn't just toss myself into an ugly person, breaking their glasses while at it, unable to recognize me when blinded, while I gracefully sneaked away, mini-map in hand.

"I must say I am a little hurt, not only physically, but by you pounding into me like that for something not even important enough to remember two seconds later." He had the most perfectly shaped face, I had never seen anything like it before. His insanely good looks had me breathless, and the following oxygen deprivation kept me silent while I shamelessly took him in. He had dark eyebrows contrasting his pale face, a beautiful soft mouth resting above a perfectly formed chin. His jaw line, his nose, even his ears, goddamnit – beautiful. Someone carved out of stone would be set to shame by him.

He chuckled lightly and stretched a bruised hand holding my map towards me. I winced at the sight, grabbed the map and clenched my teeth together in mortification. I could see he was older then me, probably around 25. He had a maturity in his eyes. The eyes, oh, the eyes. I was overthrown by just looking at them, knowing he was looking into mine the same second, carrying a searching drive. I regained control by breaking away from his gaze, keeping a firm stare at my shoelaces.

"I am so sorry," I whispered and concentrated on the ground.

"No problem, I.." He started, I could hear him smiling while saying it, but I turned around before he could say anything more. I just turned and started walking away again, probably leaving him a bit baffled by my hasty exit.

I felt my body on autopilot, I just had to extract myself from the uncomfortable situation. The anxiety that had been fuming in my body was my cue to just pull away, and I did. As I had got used to doing, I faithfully listened to the cues my body served me.

My phone rang after a minute of me walking in random direction, a direction which was mainly just away from the scene.

"Bella, I can see you, you're walking in the wrong direction. Stop! Don't move, I'm coming to get you," Jake said, and I turned towards the shouting of my name. He reached me and snorted knowingly. "I knew I should know better then to count on your navigation."

I couldn't help turning my head towards where I'd come from. They should lock up people genetically disposed for extraordinary beauty like that. He had to have a few car accidents on his conscience.

Jake and I sat down in the coffee bar; he'd already ordered me a black coffee. He knew I didn't care for any other caffeinated beverage then pure, strong and black coffee. We chatted awhile to catch up, about Charlie and his dad, about being free at college and such. We nicely avoided any mention of what had happened the last time we'd been together, and why should we talk of it? It had happened frequently over the years we'd known each other, and I presumed we'd gotten enough used to it then to analyze it whenever I had a… scene.

But then, as there were ten minutes left before we had to go to our respective dorms and get ready for the party, he turned quiet and looked at me strangely.

"College is great. There are a lot of free scientific experiments you can join as well; sometimes you get paid as well." I saw it coming, but if he was doing this, I would let him squirm as much as possible while saying it. He took a deep breath, already seeing my disapproving expression. "I saw a flyer for a psychological trial to cure…"

I was wrong, I couldn't hear more. I cut him off, scoffing angrily and emptying the rest of my second coffee. "This is not something I need to fix, Jake, I manage it fine. I haven't had an episode since that day in June, and I am not planning on either."

"I hope so, Bella, but you know just as well as I do it has only gotten more and more generalized, and it's the last thing you need now at a new place and a new beginning." He said it with consideration in his voice; I blew him off with a sneer.

"See you later, Jake." I said angrily and walked off.

I walked quickly towards my dorm feeling the annoyance stir inside of me. Jake usually didn't ever mention my anxiety; we'd usually just share a bottle of wine and ignore it. Having him sneak attack me like that, and him of all people, made me squirm inside. I had my anxiety closely locked up inside of me, controlled and separate – until it unleashed itself and I suffered an attack. Talking about it or touching it felt so bad and instinctively wrong I never did, and had gotten used to not having to deal with it when Jake was around.

He was my safe harbor, my carefree and safe home. He was the only person I was sure would ignore the bad sides and therefore I could share my good sides with.

I spotted what I imagined, even with my limited navigational skills, could be a short cut to my dorm. Turning the corner I realized I would have to pass through a narrow alleyway on the way, and I could see shady-looking people standing idly there. I felt fear surge inside of me, and turned around, taking the normal route home. I reached my room ten minutes later, finding Rosalie in the midst of her shiny clothes. She smiled widely when I entered.

"Hi! I was just thinking this green top would suit you superwell!" She threw it gracefully towards me, I tried my best to catch it.

After picking it up from the floor, I grabbed a pair of dark pants and went into the bathroom to change. I sighed at the reflection in the mirror and decided I would have to talk to Jake and ask him to make sure he'd never bring it up again. I felt like I was handling it the only way I could possibly endure.

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**Sorry about the short chapters, they get lenghtier further out into the story.**

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	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I don't own Twilight or any of it's characters.

**Chapter 3**

We met up with Jake at the party, Rosalie disappeared to mingle quickly, leaving Jake and I standing next to each other watching the dance floor. There had to be several hundred people here, brimming with a live band and lots of alcohol. I'd never been to a grand scale party like this before, I was unsure if I had even ever been in a crowd this huge.

Jake handed me a cup of beer, his face mimicking my astonishment by the impressive gathering. I grabbed it thankfully, hand shaking slightly by the enormity of this party.

"I'm sorry, Bella." Jake started suddenly. I gazed up at him, his eyes did not met mine, but kept a unyielding stare directed at his cup of beer.

We were standing close by the entrance, safely away from the cliques that seemed to gather across the room. An interval of silence fell between us.

"It's ok. I've been so used to us just ignoring it, I liked that." I looked at him with a stern look, trying to make him understand I needed us to let it stay buried. "Can't we just get drunk and forget about it?" I giggled, easing the tone, and in an attempt to bring back our old carefree relationship while sipped demonstratively of the beer.

"Sure," he smiled happily. "It's just, I felt so disconnected from you the last weeks, not talking and all, and talking all superficial today, I just had to… Connect with you again." He whispered and hurried to gulp down his own beer.

I rubbed his large arm. "It's ok, Jake."

Suddenly, across the dance floor, talking to Rosalie, I spotted the incredible guy again. The one I'd thrown myself into mere hours earlier. I felt my heart pounding of embarrassment by the memory of it. It just made it so much worse now, secretly glimpsing at him from afar, grasping just how unbelievably sensational he was. His bronze hair gleaming, his eyes glowing, his body…

My thoughts trailed off and I jumped out of my trance when I realized both Rosalie and he had turned to stare back at me. I quickly turned my attention to my beer and drunk up, hoping they hadn't noticed my scandalous undressing glare.

"What's wrong?" Jake asked, handing me another cup of beer. I muttered something unintelligible and shot a few stolen glances at them. They were still looking at me, Rosalie leaning in and gesturing towards me, he was nodding and then Rosalie waved and smiled towards me. I raised my cup in a confused manner, and smiled artificially.

This was just typical, I bet he was telling her of my incident and they were probably going to have a good laugh about it with their non-crazy-people-friends. Drat.

I drowned the rest of my beer in a second, and turned to Jake. "More." He laughed and went to refill. I watched my best friend steer across the room to get more alcohol, women turning their heads after him as he went. I didn't look at him that way, I didn't even see him as attractive. He was so close to me and had been for so long, I felt like he was the sibling I'd never had. All though his Native American looks compared to my pale complexion made it clear we were far from genetically related.

"I thought I'd try and approach you when you weren't moving, I calculate I have a better chance of not getting bulldozered if I did. I'm Edward." The bronze haired god was standing next to me, speaking softly and smiling dazzling at me.

I was rendered speechless by the shock, staring dimwittedly at him for several seconds, and his smile faltered. I recovered control over myself and tried my best to salvage the remaining pieces of his impression of me.

"Uhm. I'm Bella. I am really sorry, how's your hand?" I dared to look at him, but not quite. I was sure I would get carried away by and do something ridiculous, like cite poetry about his beauty if I looked directly at him. Someone should make him wear a sign saying 'do not look directly at me, danger of public humiliation'.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. So you're Rosalie's roommate?" He let his hand flow through his hair. I couldn't help feeling like I was deceiving him by letting him think he was just having a normal conversation with a normal friend of Rosalie. I figured he probably had some idea of my insanity after the mini-map accident.

"Yes, she's great. You know her from before?" He was probably her boyfriend, I realized. Together they would make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie self-conscious.

"Yeah, she's a friend of my cousin, we're from the same town. She's a bit…" He eyed me to see if I was safe to confide in. "Energetic?" he offered tryingly and waiting for a response. I chuckled and nodded in agreement.

"Here you go, Bella," Jake said sharply and handed me the cup, then stood next to me, ogling Edward. He was several inches taller then him, and I couldn't help feeling like he was trying to intimidate him using his height. "Jake," he snapped and shook hands with Edward.

Edward wasn't moved by Jake's stance, and smiled friendly while shaking his hand and saying his name in return.

"Jake is a friend from back home," I said to ease the tense atmosphere.

"Best friend, we've known each other forever." Jake stated. Edward nodded slowly, glancing towards Rosalie. I could see him searching for an exit.

"Well, I should go back to Rosalie, see you around, Bella." Edward said simply, and sent Jake a final warily look in return. Jake snorted as he walked away.

"Not uncomfortable at all," I whispered sadly.

"Moron. Too much hair product." Jake said and chugged his remaining beer.

Jake and I stood there the rest of the evening, talking and drinking, and he shot down every single boy walking up to me with just glances. It had to look like he was my overprotective boyfriend, I thought to myself. But I knew he just valued the time we had together. That was all.

As usual when we were drinking, Jake and I got wasted. We were having tons of fun, laughing and planning crazy things to do now with complete freedom from parents. I noticed just how much I'd managed to consume too late, after just chugging an entire cup down, and knew I would have to get home before the last round set in. My head span just a notch too much, and even though I had been this drunk many times before with Jake, there hadn't been hordes of people surrounding us then.

"Jake, I think I should be going home," I said, walking unsteadily. "I shouldn't be this drunk in public."

"I'll take you home, Bells," he slurred and put aside our cups. He led me outside and I stumbled drunkenly. He grabbed me safely and while pulling me up midair, he completed the movement by dragging me closer to him. Too close.

I glanced up at him with heavy eyelids and wrinkled my forehead confusedly. He had the funniest look in his eyes. I couldn't help to think of the look people have in movies right before they kiss. He looked funny. Then he leaned towards me.

Understanding where this was going, I tried to fight him off. His arms were wrapped around me in an iron lock, and I realized he wasn't nearly as drunk as I had thought he was. Or as I was.

"Jake," I blurted, "let me go, please." My arms felt so useless against his stone body, keeping me in place. "Please, stop it."

My distressed cries were shut up by his wet lips reaching mine, pressing hardly against mine. I breathed for air, squealing against him and trying to get away. I felt anxiety well up in me, I felt my body go numb and I started gasping for air. His large palms slid up and down the length of my body while they kept me securely pushed towards his own. The terror consumed me, I was absolutely imprisoned by his arms, and I was unable to push his greedy lips away.

I felt him suddenly disappear, an external force ripping him away from me. I slumped to the ground hyperventilating and watched as the world spun in front of me. I could see Edward and Jake pushing each other and loud shouting, incapable to discern anything they did shout.

I struggled to keep myself in somewhat sitting position, still hyperventilating and quivering like a leaf in fear. Suddenly I felt two strong arms grabbing me and helping me to my feet. I instinctively drew away, trying to get away from Jake.

"It's ok, he's gone, it's me." I heard Edward's voice whispering softly into my ear. "It's ok, he is gone, it's safe." He said reassuringly and I felt myself calming down, regaining control over my body. His voice gave me the weirdest experience of serenity.

I felt somewhat safe with Edward next to me, I didn't know why. Normally I'd fight him off, but I didn't. I muttered the name of my dorm, he carefully got a hold around my waist and started leading me towards it. I turned to thank him, but was overcome with nausea and felt my body contract as I threw up all over him. I fucking threw up all over him.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not in any way mine.

**Chapter 4**

I woke up in my bed, still wearing the clothes from last night. Glancing to my left I could see Rosalie's bed had been untouched.

My head banged like crazy and I groaned when memories of the last night returned to me. I'd had panicked and let anxiety overcome me when Jake assaulted me, and fucking thrown up on Edward. I blushed furiously just to think of it. I smiled morbidly figuring if anyone was to pull off puke-covered clothes, it would be him.

I'd had an attack my first day here. I felt so ridiculous and stupid, thinking I could have escaped these reactions, hoping they'd go away just because I did. It was like my body was having reactions my head didn't want, I didn't understand why I couldn't just act like a normal person. Had I been able to just let Jake kiss me and get over with it, I would have been able to walk away silently and then never talk to him again. There was no good reason why my body would do something as useless as shut completely down on me like that, it wasn't really smart survival tactics.

I let my hands slip through my dark straight hair while sighing and rolling over in the bed. I pouted and felt exhausted fighting my body, especially realizing it was winning by a landslide. I didn't even have a say when I got in situations where I had to save myself from harm. It had come to a point where I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a say, it felt very safe to just avoid what I could and then wait the storm over when it hit.

But I was left feeling so helpless, and I couldn't help but think that I should probably fight this. I should probably get myself together and fix it. Having Jake assault me like that and not being able to reasonably do something, but seeing my body collapse into anxiety like that… It scared me to know I'd be helpless if anything like that happened again.

After sitting in my room managing my head ache and shame, I decided to face the world and try to find a book store and buy my biology books. Enough with the dark thoughts.

Wandering around campus, avoiding the parking lots and the alleyways, I suddenly spotted what had to have been the flyer Jake was telling me about earlier at Coffee Bean. "Cognitive behavioral therapy trial seeking participants suffering from phobias/anxiety". I grabbed it and read through it. I knew I would never even think of doing such a thing had it not been for me feeling like crap after last night, but I felt like I had to do something, try something to get rid of this. Free therapy sounded as something heaven sent at the moment. I just hoped this Dr. Carlisle Cullen would be able to help me.

I called the number on the flyer and arranged a meeting the next day at noon. I felt butterflies in my stomach. Adrenaline-butterflies. I was thrilled, yet terrified.

My phone suddenly rang; I cringed at the piercing sound and felt my head pound. Jake. I let it go to voicemail.

Rosalie had ordered pepperoni pizza when I returned, sitting in slacks and with her hair up on her bed. Only she could make hangover look attractive. She smiled brilliantly at me as I entered.

"Hey, I was getting worried about you. You fine?" She shove the pizza box towards me and I sat down at the bed while grabbing a slice. Nutrition.

"I'm fine," I said it with less enthusiasm then what would be convincing, but she ignored it politely. She had an enthusiastic glow in her eyes. I couldn't help but feel that I should be anticipating gossip. I was right, my girl-radar was spot on.

"Sorry about not coming home," she said smiling wickedly. "I met this gorgeous guy, with the most fantastic name, Emmett, can you believe it? He was supergreat!" She cheered and even put down her slice to clap a bit.

"That's great," I offered with a smile. She clapped again. She probably said "woo" as well. I could live with that, as long as she didn't expect me to join the choir.

"So, I think Edward was a bit disappointed your bodyguard protected you all night," Rosalie said sadly. I thought grimly that he probably wished he'd stayed clear off me all night after experiencing my nausea firsthand. "He's a great guy, you'd be perfect together!" She said merrily. If he'd suffer a facial disfiguring accident, perhaps, I thought gloomily. And if I hadn't fucking thrown up at him. I mentally slapped myself again.

"Jake? Oh. Yes, he can be a bit possessive." I muttered and tried not to think of last night. He'd never done anything like that before, and I was still struggling to fathom how my sweet Jake could do something like that.

"Well, you'll get more chances to meet Edward, I guess. Alice, his cousin, is having a party Saturday, you should come – and not bring Jake," Rosalie chimed and leant back in the bed. "Oh, I hope Emmett will be there, too." She sighed dramatically.

I quite enjoyed Rosalie's company. It was a very simplistic way of seeing things; perhaps a bit naïve, but it felt good being near someone as complicated as a second grader's homework. I felt my body was string theory complication level.

Next day I went to my first biology classes. I had set the alarm to ring one hour early just to give me time to get lost a few times on my way there. I was amazed at the change from 20 people in a small class room listening to a teacher who'd barely passed biology when in school, and now sitting amongst 200 people in an auditorium being served lectures from professors. I liked feeling like I blended into the crowd.

I was completely thrilled with the educational level, and even remembering I had the therapy meeting later on didn't fully pull me down from my happiness. I asked my way to the psychological laboratories, reaching it at exactly noon.

The front desk was managed by a middle aged woman, with pink glasses and a bored look on her face. I coughed and stood in front of her. "I have a meeting with Dr. Cullen at noon?" I felt completely out of place, and she did take her time looking through her papers. I bet she was purposely doing it just to make me reach a higher level of distress. My nervousness was probably painted on my face.

"Second door to the left," she said, looking like she thought it such a trouble talking that she weighed the option to just not say anything at all.

Regretting my decision more and more with each step, I hardly made it to the door at all. When I laid my heavy hand on the door knob, I was just about to turn around and leave, when I heard a voice behind me.

"Miss Swan?" said a friendly voice. I closed my eyes and swallowed. Turning around I found myself facing a middle aged gorgeous man. His name sign read Cullen. Was I supposed to spill it all to this heavenly man? Were there no plain people at all at this college? "Dr. Carlisle Cullen," he greeted and shook my hand. I whispered my name in return. "Let's enter my office, shall we?"

It was a big office, many books and a huge mahogany desk in front of a huge window letting just enough light into the room to make other electrical variants unnecessary.

I sat down at one of the two black chairs in front of his desk, and he twirled around to his chair on the other side. He was simply dressed, with a lab coat covering a white shirt and brown pants. His eyes were bright blue and his blonde shiny hair framed his perfect face. I had to stop staring at him, this was getting silly.

"So, Isabella Swan, I see you would like to join our trials at cognitive therapy. I need to ask you some basic questions today, just to get a general view of your condition, then next time we meet we'll work out a plan together." He spoke confidently and always with a friendly expression on his face.

"Bella." I corrected carefully. He nodded.

"I need to inform you about the way of cognitive ther.." He was interrupted by the door behind me opening. "Ah," he said directed at the person behind me, I didn't even bother to turn, expecting it to be a person who'd leave after giving a message. "This," Dr. Cullen said, gesturing towards the person entering, "is my assistant, Edward, he will be helping me with some of the therapy."

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**The plot thickens! **

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	5. Chapter 5

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Thanks for the great reviews and comments, you guys rock!

**Chapter 5**

I turned my head quickly, silently begging it not to be so, and found myself looking at the Edward I feared it would be. I remembered throwing up on him, and blushed.

"Bella," he said surprised and then shot a glance towards Dr. Cullen. I could feel them looking at each other, trying to figure the awkward situation out. My shoes were suddenly of great importance to me.

Edward went over to sit in the chair next to me, I dared lift my head.

"How well do you know each other?" Dr. Cullen asked perceptively. "I am asking so to not jeopardize the research and therapy," a frown having entered his spotless face.

"Not very well, not of any importance," Edward said decisively and Dr. Cullen nodded slowly. It was like watching two angels converse.

"Are you ok with this arrangement, Bella?" Dr. Cullen turned to me.

"Uh. Ok. I guess, we've hardly met." I stammered and didn't dare to look at Edward.

"Ok, then. Edward here is my nephew, but it's hardly nepotism, he's the top of his classes, so you don't have to worry about him being somewhat in charge of the exercises you'll have to perform." Dr. Cullen began. I shot a questioning look at him, he drew an understanding breath when detecting my insecurity "Cognitive therapy is a form of therapy shown very useful on anxiety and phobias, mainly using the technique of exposure. We'll work out, together, things you'll do during the time therapy is ongoing to expose yourself to your fears. May you indulge us in what you are experiencing?"

"Uh. Well. I." I didn't feel so confident in this anymore, yesterday's determination vanished and I felt like storming out the door and hiding in my room the rest of the semester.

"It's ok, we know it is difficult, you have probably been keeping this safely inside of you for awhile." Dr. Cullen said with a reassuring voice. I swallowed nervously.

I began explaining hesitantly. "I get… anxious?" I wasn't sure how to use terminology with two professionals in the room, but they didn't say anything, and I continued. "In situations where I feel in danger, I have… I started hyperventilating and panicking in situations where I felt unsafe from around when I was twelve." Silence dominated for ten seconds, they waited to see if I had more to share. "I personally don't have any control of it. It used to be only when I… It has become more frequent, even in situations where it didn't happen before."

Dr. Cullen nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you have an example of situations do you get these panic attacks?"

"It used to be only when I… Once I was hiking with my dad, and when we got too close to the ledge on the top of a mountain. It's… it's just out of my control. It just happens." I stammered the words, wanting to keep them inside. I hoped Edward wouldn't mention the incident he had seen me have, that would probably make me storm out instantly.

"Feeling immediate danger, then?" Edward offered, seeing how I had trouble to put words to my feelings. I nodded slowly. "Do you avoid situations where you know you'll have attacks?"

"I don't go hiking anymore, no." I said shortly, Edward shifted in his seat.

"Are there many other things you avoid?"

"I've lost count," I whispered. "I go on autopilot, just steering away from it. I feel like a function social being," ending my sentence in a protest against what I suddenly felt was me being stigmatized as a mentally insane person. They both nodded enthusiastically.

"People suffering from anxiety disorders can be fully functional in the right context," Dr. Cullen explained. "I have no doubt you are one of those, but you can see how the fear generalizes itself, if not stopped you might end up having to avoid being social completely. We will help you defeat your fear, Bella. It will probably only take around six or seven sessions, and you can endure that for the sake of your mental wellbeing?" He encouraged me from the other side of the desk.

I nodded slowly. "I guess. I'll try."

"Excellent!" He stood up and walked over to me. "We'll meet here in a week, same time?"

Leaving the office, I felt like I had thrown myself into quicksand.

"Hey, Bella, hold on," I heard Edward hurrying after me. I hardly slowed my step by the request. He caught up with me. "I hope this won't be weird?"

Glancing over at him, I saw him frown. Such a beautiful frown. This was going to be the end of me. I sighed. "No, it's fine."

We walked silently next to each other. I didn't know how to start, I knew I had to apologize for the throwing up at him, but that would lead to him saving me from Jake, and then to my panic attack. And I didn't really feel like going over that with him. This probably, I realized, wasn't the best foundation for a therapeutic relationship. But, just the thought of being able to see him once a week was enough to keep me quiet about it. I really was a mentally challenged person.

"Well, I have a class here now," he said suddenly and halted. We looked at each other. I had trouble standing straight just by looking at him. I could see people turning their heads after him. "This is gonna be fine, Bella." He said after a few seconds.

"Hey! Edward!" A blonde haired guy approached us, he was on his way to the same class as Edward it seemed.

"Hey, Jasper, this is Bella." Edward introduced us, we shook hands. "Well, time for Professor Hanson, I guess, see you next week, Bella." They turned around and walked into the building. I stood for a long time there, just on the spot where he'd left me.

With the safety from Jake gone and Edward messing up my defense systems, I couldn't help feeling like even moving my foot would disturb the little emotional balance I had left in my body. I clung to it desperately. I didn't know what happened if I lost that grip.

I instinctively felt the need to regain my equilibrium, and pulled up my phone, dialing Jake while feeling anxiety pulsate inside of me. I closed it before it could begin to ring. I couldn't, not after what he had done.


	6. Chapter 6

N/A: Twilight and its characters are not mine

Needed a bit of EPOV to give some reason to what is going to happen soon, which otherwise might seem a bit out of the blue.

**Chapter 6**

EPOV

I sat scribbling notes to conceal how little I paid attention to the professor's droning a few rows in front of me. Jasper eagerly took in every word Hanson uttered, I rolled my eyes. I wasn't so much for the psychodynamic view as I was cognitive.

Carlisle and his wife Esme had raised me like their own, and it was probably not coincidental that I chose the same career path as my guardian. I had lost my parents when I was too young to remember, and I had never really missed them. Carlisle and Esme filled my every childhood need. My cousin Alice, Jaspers fiancé, was like my sister. I would have to say I had a happy childhood.

Acing every test was never the problem for me, and I had easily fought my way into becoming Carlisle' assistant on his trials. I had been doing it for a year or so, being eased into more and more responsibility. The start of every semester was when most people singed on, new students or failed students realized they needed help now that they were alone in the big world, and we knew how to help. Seeing how cognitive therapy worked only had reinforced my belief in it as the reigning therapeutical form.

My thoughts drifted to the meek figure I had sat next to only thirty minutes ago. She had come into my life as out of thin air. Literarily. She'd caught my interest when tackling me two days ago. My trained eyes easily spotted her panic, she nearly ran off without what she had been so desperate to fetch only a second ago. Her fear had overruled what her reason had viewed as important, and I saw it clearly. This evading technique was familiar to me, and I had shouted after her in reflex.

I could never stop myself from being a psychiatrist first, I would probably always carry with me a strong desire to fix everyone around me. Even complete strangers, it would seem. Carlisle frequently said I was a natural born therapist.

I couldn't help myself but to be intrigued by her. Bella. Even her name captivated me. Her ambivalence fascinated me intently. She was originally mentally tough and wanted to live a full life, but struggled by being controlled and overruled by her body's safety behavior.

My protective side was awakened by the fragility she radiated. I knew she needed my help, I knew I could save her.

I noticed her wince in shame when she saw my bruises, and I felt sorry for her weighing it heavier then what it really was. I really didn't mind a few scratches, not if it led me to her mysterious person.

She ran off and left me there, and I couldn't help but want to protect her from everything, from herself. Untangle the darkness covering her, free her from the winding tendrils suffocating her.

She'd left me there, on the sidewalk, breathless – not only from the football tackle.

Seeing her at the party with Rosalie later on, I felt like serendipity. Rosalie was a good friend of Alice from back home, and when she said Bella was single and seemed like a "supernice girl", I decided to approach her.

Of course, that brute Jake had been there to make it all uncomfortable. I felt my hands clench up just thinking of that vile dog. She'd stood next to him all evening, like he was her protector, the one I wanted to be for her, and I had felt like punching him. I had to admit in some sense I was pleased he did make a move on her later, so I could get to pummel him for a reason.

It was obvious to me that she felt like she needed him, without him there she'd be letting herself open for attack from the unpredictable outside she desperately needed to control to keep her anxiety in check. I could see he was in love with her. She probably didn't know.

Just thinking of how he exploited her weakness and dependability on him to keep others away from her and then making a move on her like that… It disgusted me.

I could spot the anxiety attack miles away when Jake held her. I was stalkning them a tiny bit, they staggered just a tad too drunkenly out the door. I don't know what made me step out after them, some ominous feeling, I guess.

Freeing her from him was incredibly empowering, rush of testosterone I guess. He'd only needed to be hit a bit and then he probably grasped what he had done, and left peacefully.

Turning to her then, shaking and shrieking on the ground, I felt confident helping her getting through it as I had many times with many people. I found it a bit surprising she didn't react more strongly to me grabbing her afterwards, I had been prepared for calming her down more, but I guess her alcohol level was doing the trick. And then the vomit. I smirked slightly by the comedic situation, Jasper turned his head towards me questioningly. I turned to my notes again, letting my mind wander off again.

I walked her to her dorm and put her to sleep. I'd sat next to her on the bed after cleaning myself up in the bathroom, watching her sleep tranquilly. I wanted to salvage her so badly.

Seeing her in Carlisle's office today, I was utterly surprised by the cosmic events leading to our continuous chance bump-ins, but at the same time happy to see her getting help. She needed it desperately. I could see how she struggled to even be there, let alone speak loudly about her anxiety.

Carlisle didn't push her into telling us more then what we needed just to make sure she was suffering from anxiety, which she obviously was, but we both knew that there was something deep, deep inside of this Bella that she had hidden so long it gnawed on her like a mad dog.

I found myself wishing again that I could just take her pain away, hold her and comfort her, let her feel free of her troubles – but I knew that wasn't how she had to face this. I knew she would probably suffer more these next weeks then what she had combined the last years, but it was what was needed.

I hoped, that in the end, we would be able to enter her dark place, and see what drove this anxiety. I frowned, realizing I'd never been this obsessed with a patient before. I'd never had a prettier patient before either, I smiled sheepishly to myself of the stray thought.

I caught myself in the smile and paused abruptly. What was I doing? I couldn't do this, feel anything for her, jeopardize her mental wellbeing by not have my complete attention on what was the case her. Her anxiety. I had to focus, I knew I could, I was focused. I could never think of her like that again.

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**Reviews are accepted gladly!**


	7. Chapter 7

N/A: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Finally a decent sized chapter, the story is really getting started now.

Thanks for the reviews, you rock!

**Chapter 7**

I went dutifully to all my lectures all week, paying attention and writing notes. Once in awhile I found myself thinking about Edward, but then it led me to thinking of my therapy, and I shuddered to mentally embrace what I had in front of me. I didn't even know what cognitive therapy entailed. I nearly started hyperventilating in microbiology class when I considered what exposure technique had in store for me.

Jake called a couple times a day, and though there had never been anything like this to make us fight before, it felt weird not being in contact with him. Deliberately avoiding him was tough, and I knew I would cave soon. With all my dark thoughts lately, I could sense how my body started to magnetically will me towards Jake's safe harbor.

I just wasn't certain he was that to me any longer.

In microbiology I'd even found a favorite between my professors. Professor Stanley. She was middle aged and led a lecture style which swept me off my feet. I was, with exception of when Edward entered my mind, as under a spell when she spoke. She announced there was going to be a hand in assignment about oxidative phosphorilation next week, and I found myself looking forwards to it.

Academia seemed to suit me.

When leaving her class Thursday and walking quickly down a little brick road leading across the lawn in front of the building, there was someone standing blocking my path when I got halfway past.

I did notice Jake as I approached him, he was too large of a person physically to go unnoticed, and he was standing completely still – eyeing me as I closed the gap between us.

I figured turning and sprinting away now would come off as both a bit childish, so I huffed and marched on towards him. We both knew we'd spotted each other, I could see him tense up in determination.

Twenty feet, fifteen, ten. I stopped at arms length, inhaled and glared up at him.

"Bella."

"What are you doing here, Jake?" I nearly spat his name out, brimming with venom.

"I had to talk to you, you're not answering my calls, I've been leaving you messages. I am this close to having a closer relationship with your automatic voicemail lady then with you."

People walking the same brick road were avoiding us just a bit too much then what would be normal.

I put my hands to my side and didn't back down, no way I was letting him dare joke now, not about this.

"I did not feel like talking to you, you could respect my needs." I said it, making no mistake of what I really was referring to.

Jake lifted his hand frustrated while sighing, I cringed away instinctively. His face twisted in agony.

"Bella, I was drunk, and I got carried away. I am sorry. I misjudged the whole situation, I thought you wanted it as well."

"I never…" I began, but felt so disgusted that I couldn't even continue.

"Can we just… Can we not give up on our life long friendship because of one mistake I made? I'm not asking for you to forgive me or braid each other's hair later tonight. I was hoping you could promise to call me, when you were ready."

I considered his offer. It made somewhat sense to me, and I did miss him.

"I hope it can all return to the way it was, Jake. But right now, I wouldn't exactly sit up and wait for a phone call." I said darkly, while starting to tread past him in the grass. He laid a hand on my shoulder as I passed him, gazing down at me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen.

"Please, call me." He urged with a forlorn tone to his voice.

I shrugged his hand off my shoulder.

"Or what, you'll force me?"

I walked away, hugging myself and feeling slightly guilty for going so hard on him. But mainly, I knew, I had been so harsh because I would call him and forgive him, sooner then I knew I should.

Friday turned to Saturday. Rosalie was already showered and leaned over her toenails intently, painting them sparkling red, as I entered our room after doing laundry and taking a walk to kill the time in between. The party was in five hours, but Rosalie's progression gave me the impression that we would be ready long before that.

I was wrong, she would make us thirty minutes late that evening.

"Hey, are you looking forwards 'til tonight?" Rosalie sang and swiftly finished her left foot.

I threw myself at my bed and moaning, dreading to even commence the entire shower and makeup ordeal. Rosalie frowned towards me while gracefully painting onwards on her right foot.

"I guess not," she muttered judiciously. "My friend Alice is coming over in a few, she's getting dressed here with us, and I told her to bring you outfits."

She said the last part like it would help cheer me up, I could sense the verbal clapping in her voice. I wished she could make my best friend turn into a person I could trust again.

"She's Edward's cousin, you know. But I consider them more like brother and sister, he grew up with her parents and her from early childhood." Rosalie jumped off her bed like a member of a more feline race and walked over to her vibrating phone on her desk.

She didn't even turn once to glance hidden at me to see if she had my attention. Which she did, completely. Just the mention of his name had made me put on my mask signaling how insignificant this information was to me.

I swallowed and made a rigorous attempt to come off as careless. Just keeping conversation. I told myself I was acting like this because I wanted to know if he had spilled his guts to Alice, who then told Rosalie, about my therapy. But I knew he wouldn't have, and if he had, I'd personally haul him and kill his professional career.

"Oh, really." I said and failed miserably in sounding nonchalant.

I don't know how I could manage to be as obviously above normally interested in him by only saying two words – and when intently trying to emit anything but curiosity, but I did. And she noticed, I even saw her smile slightly when picking up her phone.

She took her time, reading what seemed to be a text message, even threw in a few facial expressions for the heck of it, replied with her fingers as she walked back to the bed, and then looked up at me – pretending to have forgotten where she'd left off.

"What? Oh, Edward. Yes, they died in an accident, he moved in with his aunt and uncle after that. He's all the girls' secret heart-throb, but he doesn't seem to take to any of them. I was contemplating his sexual orientation until he started asking about you the other day," she snickered and threw her phone onto the bed. I blushed.

A rasp on the door suddenly interrupted my mortification-fest. We didn't even have time to call that the door was open, before a petite, spiky haired fairy-like girl whirled into the room. Her lavender tube dress matched her pale complexion perfectly, and I saw her sociable character radiate as if it was her second skin.

"I'm Alice," she sang with a high spiked voice and elegantly danced over to my bed.

Her entire being made me suffer the horrible understanding of how a clumsy elephant might appear next to a nimble gazelle.

"Bella," I replied, warily watching her face for signs of disproof. I saw none.

"How nice to meet you! You look just as lovely as Rose said, and I think I have the perfect dress for you with me!"

I shot Rosalie a suspicious glance, then admired tiny Alice's physical strength as she grabbed a huge bag and threw it onto Rosalie's bed. Rosalie grinned, bent over the bed on her belly and reached under it with a searching hand. Triumphantly she pulled out a bottle of wine.

"Get us glasses, Bella, we're gonna need real liquid to swallow the estrogen levels we're gonna reach," she said and uncorked the bottle.

The next hours I was made presentable by both Rosalie and Alice, while I amazed on their color-coordination skills, they were amazed by how I drank my alcohol. We all have our skills. I was used to having to compete with Jake, not two skinny girls. I had to reign myself in after a few glasses, and figured it was such a long time until the party started anyways, I'd only be left with a pleasant buzz by then.

At one point, I felt Alice pause and then draw her breath while she was doing my hair. I could see her contemplating face in the mirror, like deciding on what angle she was going to take.

"So, you have met my Edward?"

"Yes, briefly," I whispered. I couldn't understand why everyone was so obsessed with me having had one talk with him. As far as they knew, anyways. I was not going to let them in on my tackle or breakdown plus vomit.

She smiled pleased and nodded shortly. "Well, hopefully you'll see more of him tonight then," she giggled and finished my hair. "Excellent, all done! We just have to wait for Rosalie finishing her hair, then we're off."

I liked Alice. It was very easy talking to her for me. She wasn't only easy going as Rosalie was, but her eyes were so free of judgment when looking at me. Conversation with her felt safer then what I was used to. Where had these sweet people been all my life?

We got to the party fashionably late, as mentioned. Alice was the host, but she lived with Jasper, Edward's friend and her fiancé, in an apartment off campus – and he had agreed to make everything ready while she hung out with us.

Rosalie nearly tore off her white summer coat in one movement upon entering the apartment, and streamed into the living room like a fearless goddess in a red mini-dress clinging to what should be an award-winning body. I gulped. Luckily Alice was by my side and waited patiently for me to hang my coat.

I pulled the sides of my silver halter-neck dress, it was hardly as skin-tight as Rosalie's, but there was clinging. I was thankful it only reached a comfortable knee-length, all though the neck lining was putting my cleavage on display.

Alice grabbed my hand and squeezed, she sent me a disapproving look.

"You look great, Bella. I know you're self-conscious because it's not what you normally wear, but no-one here knows you. You look awesome!" She smiled widely and I nodded slowly. She was right; no-one here knew me, no reason to fret unnecessarily.

As we entered the living room, a large white room with plasma TV, expensive furniture all around, wide windows for a view of the ocean, and even room for dancing people, I found myself scanning with trepidation after bronze-colored hair.

I didn't find it. I exhaled and relaxed slightly.

Alice led me over to Jasper standing in the kitchen to introduce me properly.

"Bella, nice to see you again, didn't have much time to chat last time I saw you," he said while pouring chips into a glass bowl.

"I love the apartment, wish I could live in a place this big," I complimented, unsure of what to say.

"Thanks, it belongs to Alice's parents, actually. Her father is a leading cognitive therapist at the college, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I bet you'll hear a lot about him in your years here," Jasper said, making conversation.

I was sure I'd both hear and see a lot of him.

"Oh, don't bore her with my family history," Alice rolled her eyes, then stiffened. "Talking about family…"

The way she let her voice trail off made me lock eyes with her quickly, I saw hers were fixated on a point behind me, towards the entrance hall. My pulse rose. I caught myself wondering why I was this excited between my silent gasps.

I dreaded my turn, but I had to, I couldn't keep myself from it.

Oh, the sight. He was one of those people who should have a permanent wind-machine, slow-motion, adjusted lightning and background music playing wherever he went just to complete the package. I trembled.

He turned to us, said a collective hi and walked over.

"Hey, Jasper, Alice, Bella." He said our names in the same breath and same tone. Not even a hint of a different relationship. My god, I was analyzing his tone when saying my name.

"Good of you to take time off the lab to bless us with your presence, oh, Edward Cullen," Jasper said dramatically.

"Ah, you know Carlisle needs a lot of help with his trials," Edward said and half-smiled.

"Any psycho's this time? I know all the good crazy people just roll in start of semester," Jasper chuckled.

I froze and started to look for an exit. Where was Rosalie? Could I excuse myself and go to her without it being suspicious? I looked nervously over my shoulder to see if I could discover her blonde flowing locks somewhere, but nothing. Chances were she was in front of the mirror somewhere again.

Edward didn't even seem to blink, he even used his stern voice.

"You know that's confidential, Jasper."

Jasper nodded, still chuckling.

"Let's say hello to some of our guests, Jasper," Alice said suddenly, reaching out for him and leading him away while sending me a sly smile.

"Sure, dear. Feel free to start on the wine, Bella," Jasper said and gestured with his free hand to the fridge. I nodded anxiously.

I went over there at once, pulled out a white wine and searched for glasses.

"You want a glass?" I asked Edward and turned to him. He'd moved over to the bench, leaning towards it and watching me silently. I blushed by his eyes on me, and turned my head quickly.

"Sure, thanks," he said.

I poured as steadily as I could, trying hard to keep from shaking badly and knocking the glass over. My god, he made me all tense.

As I handed him the glass, our fingers touched and I felt electrical spikes flow up and down my spine.

"Sorry about Jasper, there, he's a bit callous like that." He said apologetically.

"No worries, I'm just glad you didn't start sharing," I said kidding.

"You don't have to ever worry about that, Bella." He looked at me with his eyes, his green marvelous eyes, and I felt my heart beat faster. He relaxed his intent stare, and looked away. "Let's talk about something else, shall we?"

"I agree. So, you live in an apartment like this as well?"

Not only was he perfect, but he probably had a family fortune to go with that as well.

"I do, a few blocks down. It's not as big as Alice and Jasper's, but it's nice. No more dorms for me. I can only imagine the horrors of sharing a one-room dorm with Rosalie," he shuddered as to think of it was bad enough.

"Enough to drive you into therapy," I added jokingly. There was an uncomfortable silence. I coughed. "Actually, I quite like the arrangement, she's great." I sipped gently of my wine, while he nodded in agreement. I had to keep myself from chugging the wine, no need to get drunk and throw up on him.

"What's your major, again?" He asked interested and moved towards me when someone turned the music louder.

"Biology," I semi-shouted towards him. I had to repeat it again, he didn't seem to hear it. He nodded finally, then shouted something unintelligible towards me. Was it a question?

I zoned the music out, and found myself imagining we were standing here in complete silence. We were pretty close, I could move my left hand three inches and it would touch his.

We exchanged a smile. He looked thoughtfully away, and I spotted Alice behind him, giving me two thumbs up with a wide grin. I grimaced and gestured with wild eye movements for her to stop it and move away.

He looked up again, took the bottle by its neck and signaled to me with his head to follow him. I downed the rest of my wine when he had his back turned.

Edward led me out onto the veranda, there were a few people out there smoking when we entered, but they left before we settled by the railing, watching the starlit heaven. We could hear waves rolling in at the shoreline from beneath us.

He filled my glass up gentleman-like and then turned to me.

"Better," he said, smiling towards the muffled sounds of music inside. "I don't care for this kind of music in normal levels, felt like escaping torture getting away from it right now."

I didn't reply, I only watched the ocean. He turned and sipped of his wine while he watched it as well. We stood in silence at first, drinking and watching awhile. People came out, smoked and chatted, left again while we shared the view and sharing careful conversation. The smokers got more and more loud and obviously drunk as time passed quickly. My inner clock told me two hours had passed, but there was hardly any reason to trust it. We could have been standing there for centuries.

When I turned my head and looked at him after some time, I was surprised to see his face locked in a frown. It was like he was fighting an inner battle and didn't even care to hide it.

I opened my mouth to say something, to interrupt his trail of thought that obviously upset him, but he turned suddenly by my stirring in his peripheral. His eyes bore the resemblance of fierceness, and he lent quickly in towards me, took a second to lift his free hand and cup my chin, before kissing me roughly. He even grabbed my waist after putting down his glass absentmindedly while his lips pressed against me.

There was hardly time to enjoy it as much as I should have, although I would spend hours contemplating every millisecond of it the later days, but the door to the porch abruptly opened, and he pulled away in an instant.

"Bella," he whispered frantically, nearly hissed. "I am so sorry, this is not… Please, forget this ever happened," he said then, more controlled and rushed back in.

I stood watching him from the terrace as he covered the dance floor in a sprint, reached the entrance, and then left. I saw Rosalie shoot me a worried stare through the window, and I must have looked dumbfounded where I stood with my mouth open in shock.

My heart was still pounding from the thrill of the kiss, and he was already gone.

I downed the rest of my glass and reached for the bottle with a determined hand.

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**There's a girl with an unhealthy alcohol relationship.**

**Reviews and comments are accepted happily! **


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Twilight is not mine.

_Again, thank for reviews and favorites! Was in the zone from the previous chapter, so here's the next already. The plot is tightening, a few essential parts in this part. Enjoy!_

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**Chapter 8**

The heat from the midday sun was excruciating, and I could feel how my t-shirt clung to my damp body as we walked on upwards. I was thankful that Edward was the one carrying the backpack with supplies in it. I kept putting my one foot in front of the other, matching his pace meticulously.

We'd hardly spoken since Saturday. After he ran off like crazy. I cringed by the thought of it.

After he'd escaped safely from me, the wretched witch, Rosalie had offered to take me home. I'd declined the offer and told her to drag me home after I'd downed the entire bottle of wine and it's relatives in the fridge.

Rosalie had backed away on my command and I spent the remainders of the party alone like an outcast on the balcony, watching the waves fall in. Alice had come, sat silently down besides me and tried to figure out what had happened.

I replayed the scenario for her, apparent bitterness in my voice.

After I was done, an interval of silence fell.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I can't say what got into him, but rest assured I will scream at him tomorrow morning." She'd sent me a completely empathic look, and I nodded sternly in thanks.

Waking up the next morning, head thumping, I had to pinch myself just to realize yesterday's weirdness actually had happened. I never cried or whined or anything like that, it wasn't like Edward and I had been soul mates and he'd left me at the altar. But one had to get somewhat self-conscious when the guy kissing you runs off screaming the second after.

I didn't have a count on how many times I walked through what little I could remember of the entire evening, hanging on every single detail, analyzing it and then playing it again in my head. I just laid flat on my back on my bed for the entire Sunday, finally understanding why staring at the cracks in the ceiling had become such a famous cliché.

Rosalie had come home around noon, her hair surprisingly not glowing by itself and I could see her makeup being smudged here and there. She looked like a normal mortal would when trying to look fabulous, but for Rose that was her walk of shame.

She had a devilish grin plastered on her face as she was caught sneaking into the room, I cocked an eyebrow at her and she gave up the whole attempt to stay mysterious, tossed her purse to the side and soared to my bed eagerly.

"Emmett is such an amazing lover," she blurted without blushing an ounce. I crimsoned up enough for the both of us. At least this gave my cerebrum a cherished relief from moping about Edward. "I had trouble walking the stairs to our dorm," she chuckled heartily and sighed happily while leaning back to lie next to me on the bed.

"Was he at the party?" I asked curiously. She turned her head and looked quizzically at me, then snorted.

"You shook hands with him several times, you have been formally and informally introduced, Bella."

"Oh. I don't remember much from yesterday, sorry. Can you describe him for me or give me heads up the next time I meet him, so I can pretend I didn't black out our introduction?" I asked begging.

"I can, but I will wait until I'm a bit less sexually inclined before I start describing him to you, it could get a bit too intimate," she laughed and got up awkwardly. "Gonna hit the shower, let Alice in if she comes while I'm in the bathroom!"

Alice did come and she brought pizza. Her face carried the slightest hint of pity-party all for me whenever I saw her sneak a peek at me. Neither of us mentioned the incident, and I couldn't say I minded. It wasn't really necessary to publicly exclaim that he had ran away after what must have been a terrible kiss, it was hard enough to see it play in my own head over and over again.

Somehow I think Alice and Rosalie noticed, and didn't touch upon the subject except Alice mentioning in passing that she hadn't been able to reach him on his phone.

I went through the motions the next days until dreaded therapy-Wednesday. Not being close to Jake really gnawed on my strength. Usually when I was down he'd show up with beer and we'd laugh and drink it all away while laughing. His strength easily rubbed off onto me, and he could turn what seemed as life-threatening at the moment, into a mere detail.

I didn't know how much longer I could keep him on a distance. Alice and Rosalie were nice buffers from my loneliness and instability, but they hardly knew me well enough to cheer me up in the ways Jake did. I was certain that he could have turned this Edward thing into something minor, instead of me obsessing over it every second.

Tuesday I decided to try and focus my attention on the biology paper that was due Friday for Professor Stanley's class. I sat up until late writing it as close to perfection as I could, fixating on every single sentence and word, considering every available possibility to enhance the quality.

Rose, she had made me stop call her Rosalie, was sitting silently by her desk doing complicated math. She was taking engineering courses, in hope of becoming a mechanics engineer. I heard pop music escaping her iPod, she hummed while her fingers worked her calculator. I bet no guy had ever run away after kissing her.

Focused-Bella mentally kicked Obsessive-Bella. I imagine you're never really crazy until you start naming your different split personalities.

Wednesday came, and I showed up for my appointment with Dr. Cullen ten minutes early. I sat down in the waiting room, fingering my necklace nervously while observing the receptionist.

She reminded me of Mrs. Newton back home. Only, there was something sadder about the people working at colleges, serving the people taking higher education, but themselves being cafeteria lady or receptionists, who bitterly had to watch how people half their age only were stopping by to get their education. Mrs. Newton on the other hand had customers who hardly knew what college was.

I sat there letting my thoughts wander, when I saw Edward push the door between the sofa in the waiting room and the front desk open and wander into the clinic. He greeted the receptionist with a friendly nod in her direction before continuing down the hall towards Dr. Cullens office, she beamed a smile at him, then let her eyes wander to mine.

His head instinctively veered where her eyes glanced, but at the same time keeping his pace. He skipped a step when he saw me sitting there. My neck bent hurriedly as electricity sparked inside of me. I hadn't really considered how our first encounter would be, I'd been to busy being mortified over our last horrible scene then to fill my head with obsessive thoughts of how our next meeting would take form.

Edward slowed down, head turning towards the office, then back at me, unsure of how to proceed. Then I heard determined steps close up, and soon I had his dark pants in my peripheral vision, my eyes still locked sternly on my lap.

He sighed and sat down next to me, looking at the baffled receptionist who peeked at us shamelessly over her glasses, not even pretending to be doing something else.

"We need to talk, Bella," Edward said, keeping his face towards the desk in front of us. Silence filled the wall between us. "I'm sorry about Saturday, I got a bit too drunk, and I feel really, really bad about the whole thing."

As he let go of his last syllable, he turned his head and looked down at me. I was blushing furiously, completely filling up with vexation inside. If I only physically could master it, I would have made my body fold into itself and evaporate into the ether.

"I'm sorry you feel bad, then." I said shortly, feeling like I had to reply something, anything at all.

He shifted in his seat. I sat in silence, keeping back tears of embarrassment. Couldn't he just have left me alone? I got the whole regret point when he ran away, he didn't have to rub it in.

"I broke so many rules by kissing you, Bella," he whispered now, I could see the receptionist make an annoyed lean towards us. "It's really unethical, I'd probably be off this trial if I anyone ever was to know. I decided not to tell Carlisle, because it will never happen again. I am sorry for ever letting it happen, and if you wish to tell Carlisle and have me replaced, I completely understand. But know, that I will not let it happen again." He finished, still murmuring softly.

My heart pounded.

"So you ran because you stepped over an ethical line?" I said breathlessly. I hadn't even considered that side of the story. Both Obsessive-Bella and Focused-Bella slapped themselves.

I wanted to tell him I didn't mind his ethical boundaries. I wanted him to kiss me. Hell, I wouldn't have objected if he took me then and there on the couch. I don't think the receptionist would mind either.

"Of course," he stated it simply, as if there couldn't be any other reasonable explanation. "How will you proceed? If you wish, I can go into his office now and tell him myself."

"No, don't," I said a bit too quickly. "It's ok," I said, slightly more nonchalantly, and received a nod from him in response.

"Let's start, then," he said and stood up.

I was glad he walked in front of me, I was doing all but toppling over on my way towards the office. My head spun and I felt lightheaded. This was insanity. He had wanted to kiss me when he did, but his ethical obligation had made him decide on never ever doing it again. I hardly knew then, standing in the doorway to Dr. Cullen's office, that the insanity was just getting started.

"Need some water?" Edward asking, sweat glistening off his bare muscular arm stretched towards me, his hand clasping around a bottle.

"Thanks," I said and grabbed it rapidly. We'd paused in a clearing, sun shining down on us from an azure blue sky. "It's really a nice day for this experimental hiking," I said, gulping down water. He replied with a nod and sat down on a rock by the road.

"So, how were the surroundings when you had your panic attack while hiking the last time?" He continued, changing the theme from mindless small-talk to get on with business. I damned him in silence.

"We were all the way up on top, standing on a ledge," I said shortly, if he wanted to know more details he'd have to ask me. I was feeling quite like the rebellious teenager, making him force it out of me in spite.

I probably would have said it was all the way to the top, even if it hadn't been, just to spend more time with him. And this hiking time we were spending constituted of me walking behind him, and I would be lying if it wasn't a pleasant sight.

"Okay, we should try and maneuver towards the ledges then," he said and glanced around to see if he could locate any obvious roads leading towards his goal. He drew forth his map and started looking after awhile.

I drank my water in silence and sat down on my own rock and waiting. While sitting there my thoughts drifted to the previous day, to my meeting with Dr. Cullen and Edward.

Edward had put on his show quite well, completely professional and even mimicking Dr. Cullen's empathic voice to perfection. Dr. Cullen had begun asking me about my anxiety, to get a deeper impression, as he said it.

"What do you do to avoid the anxiety?" He started.

"I don't know, it's like my mind already foresees possible dangerous situations and steers me away before they happen," I said.

"What are you afraid will happen? Worst case scenario," Edward's voice sounded eerily when he tried to mimic Carlisle's when he spoke. I nearly cringed by hearing it.

"I die?" I said darkly, somewhat jokingly.

"So you avoid situations where you feel you're vulnerable?" Dr. Cullen leaned forwards, interest gleaming in his eyes.

"I guess. Yes, I think so."

"All right." He paused, thinking intently. "Have you ever been in a serious accident, Bella? A dramatic life event, anything like that?"

I swallowed, my face must have gone paler then normal and I could feel my palms clamming up. Something inside of me tightened and grit together, complete resistance.

"No," I mastered to stammer. Dr. Cullen took his time before nodding acceptingly, pensively letting his index finger rub his forehead.

"You see, I've had other patients with somewhat similar anxiety patterns, and it usually stems from a traumatic experience, like a near death experience, which leaves the person extremely aware of their own mortality, enough for it to develop into an unhealthy relationship with their daily functioning. Shying away from everything they consider dangerous."

My mouth was dry and I sat completely still. Completely catatonic. I said nothing, pretending to wait for him to change the subject to something relevant. He did.

"When you get anxious, how does it happen?" he said suddenly, waiting for me to respond. The strained atmosphere vanished slightly. My face filled with blood again, I regained muscle control and breathed normally.

"At first, I guess I feel adrenaline rush, I get nervous, you know? Like a surge, that only gets stronger and stronger, and my breath starts to catch. I end up hyperventilating and usually go hide somewhere quickly to make it stop." I said, trying to describe it as simple as I could, still trying to poise myself after the previous subject.

"I see. Have you ever tried to not escape?" He asked me, and my instinctive reaction was to laugh over something that preposterous. "I know it might seem against all logic to you, you see it as the anxiety stops when the situation is removed, right?" He suggested and looked at me. I shifted in my chair. I could feel Edward's look on me.

"Yes?" I felt a bit confused by his reasoning, obviously headed to disconfirm it. I couldn't see how.

"Well, the thing is, Isabella, that anxiety in itself, the feeling of panic you are overcome by, it is not dangerous." He let his statement have a second of silence to impact me. "Cognitive therapy works like this: by making you experience anxiety, in safe surroundings, we are going to make you stay in the situation, you're going to feel the anxiety raise – and when you normally would run off, we're gonna make you stay and feel how the anxiety fades away on its own. Because, Bella, it does and knowing that it is not dangerous for you to feel afraid of the anxiety, and that if you feel it – it will dissipate on its own, is going to be your cure."

"I… I…" I began, feeling my belly squirming in the thought of being forced to experience my panic and being locked in.

"I know it's scary, we're asking you to force yourself to do what you fear the most. But, Edward will be there with you, and you will see that even though it is difficult, it is not dangerous." Dr. Cullen said decisively and offered me an encouraging smile. "We're not going to make you do something really dangerous, but your anxiety has escalated into being about more then what is actually life-threatening to you."

"Can I pull out if I want to?" I asked whispering.

"This is all voluntary, Bella. But if you want to learn how to master your fear, you have to face the fear."

I nodded slowly.

"Okay, you will do an experiment once a week where you will seek out specific situations you know will cause you anxiety. Edward will help you with the one big one once a week, but I want you to try and challenge yourself in between arranged sessions as well, Bella. When you feel your body trying to lead you away from a situation because you fear the anxiety it might lead to, try and face it head on," he said, and I felt my safety shattered.

They sat silent awhile, waiting patiently for me to draw it all in.

"Okay, I want to try," I said determined. "I am sick of having my life controlled by my fear like it is."

And perhaps, if I was a healthy and normal girl Edward would kiss me again, and not run away after.

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**There you go, hope you're pleased! Can you feel the angst buildup for next chapter, or what?**

**Reviews make me write faster!  
**


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Twilight = not mine.

Thanks again for the reviews and all, really does make me write faster! :)

I am interested in your responses to this chapter, it's probably one of the craziest things I've written so far. Something for everyone, some fluff, tons of angst and then the drama.

Enjoy!

**Chapter 9**

We'd been walking in a slow pace for probably one and a half hours by now, and I could see that the vegetation was changing and getting sparse. We we're getting closer to where Edward wanted me to be frightened.

Personally, I didn't really know what had set off my panic when dad and I hiked that last time so many years ago. He liked to use Mother Nature to stay fit for his job, even though the physical strains he faced in Forks police department were limited to walking to and from his car in the morning and evening.

I was only twelve, and he felt uncomfortable leaving me alone. At the time I was quite the fearful child. I grew out of it when my friendship to Jake developed to a more mature one some years after, he became a person not only constantly there for me, but his physicality made me feel safer.

I felt a sting of grief thinking of Jake, pre-assault Jake.

"I don't really know how to do this final bit, Bella," Edward's voice broke my quiet mulling.

"I don't either, really," I said, looking out at the valley below us. Beautiful green vegetation as far as the eye could see.

"Can you try and recall what happened that time?" He asked and moved closer to a little rock ledge, I gazed at him feeling my pulse rise comprehending that this was happening, I would have to push myself now. Now.

"I can try. Dad and I had been walking up and up, similar to this mountain, only Forks has the rain working for it." I drew my breath, searching between my glimpses of memories.

"Was it your first time having this kind of reaction?" Edward asked, eyeing me warily from the ledge, as if I was going to collapse into whimpers and Jell-O any second.

"No, but the first my dad ever witnessed," I said, seeing his face in front of me suddenly. Younger, twisted in chagrin and his hands compressing around me while rocking me into his body. My knees trembled visibly, Edward stood uneasily, ready to spring it seemed. I waved my arm towards him, gesturing him to relax, I wouldn't go into pieces just by evoking old memories.

"I'd had several scenes previously, I remember fussing about them when I was younger. This was preoccupying me a lot, I felt like a freak, suddenly breaking down sobbing in public just because of little things, like a too big dog growled at me once, and I used to have dogs, big dogs, I played with them constantly when I was little. Yet the snarl this dog made caused me to panic?" I ended questioningly. I halted, then. I didn't want to venture further with these speculations; I wasn't here to tell my life-story, I was here to have a panic attack.

"You didn't tell your dad?" Edward urged me to go on.

I ignored him, done with this psychoanalytic blabber, and started to approach him. He stood still, cautiously observing me while I meticulously took my time stepping towards him. With his palms raised, as to bar my advance towards the ledge, I could hear Edward holding his breath.

My entire body was on full alert, I don't think I had ever been as completely aware of my self as I was in these few seconds, surrounded by the silent and endless woods, stepping carefully towards Edward and the ledge.

Oh, my muscles were ready to plunge into action, my heart beat faster, my knees buckled slightly. And I reached him. I froze slightly when I was standing next to Edward, he was facing towards the woods, looking at my face, hands lowered to my waist.

"You're not going to do anything crazy, like jumping off, are you?" He said, and I realized quickly he was recognizing the dubious experiment for what it was; bringing a mentally unstable person to a ledge and ask her to go insane on it.

There was at least three good feet's length until I'd be standing on the edge, and even though anxiety raged inside of me now, I stepped closer. At one point there, between the seconds from halting slightly between Edward and the end of the ledge, I tasted the urge to plunge. Just hurl myself off and be consumed by freedom.

It was a long time since I had been a fan of melodramatic and suicidal indulgence, so I recognized the alien thought for what it was, and said out loud, with a quivering voice: "I am not going to do this, but I just thought you'd want to know what mental reactions I'm having, ok?"

Edward seemed just as tense as I was, he probably saw the sweat running down my forehead and how I was shaking and breathing barely on the verge of control.

"I just felt the yearning to throw myself off of here," I said, trying to make it seem detached emotionally. I had just admitted to him that I wanted to kill myself for a second there, but it felt so unreal. I could see it as a reaction to venturing into my darkness, and I didn't feel it anymore, and he needed to understand that. He stiffened up and I saw his hand moving back as if he pondered to grab me.

My breathing went quicker; I felt my blood pressure fall and my skin started tingling from the lack of oxygen. And then the tears. Crying was not an absolute, but I knew speaking it out loud would, metaphorically, push me over the ledge.

I sank down on me knees and sobbed loudly, Edward crouched next to me and observed as I heaved for air. Why wasn't he helping me?

I was overcome by my darkness and I cried louder. He was just standing there, not even laying a hand on me, and I was obviously in pain. I got even more upset with him just being a silent statue to my pain.

Then he spoke. "Can you move closer to the ledge, Bella?"

I nearly stopped crying just baffled by his suggestion.

"I'm going to die if I do," I yelled through sobs.

"No, just take control over your body and ease yourself just a bit. I am here if it gets too bad, right here, just try it," his voice was steady and I cried more while slid closer to the edge, until I could peak down at the trees below.

I felt anxiety surge stronger in me and my cries heightened.

"How bad is your anxiety, Bella, on a scale from one to ten," I heard Edward whisper velvety besides me.

"Nine," I sobbed and shook in despair. Edward waited me out, letting me experience every second of the fear. I'd say it took about five minutes to calm completely down, but I did. I did, and the darkness left me while I lay sobbing on that ledge.

As my breath steadied, Edward sat down towards a tree standing close by, and waited for me.

I lay there, partly annoyed with him being right that I could lay here now and not being flayed alive by my fear, that it did end even though the scenery didn't, and partly because I felt so hollow after crying so hard.

The sun shone on us while we sat there in silence, I knew he was watching me all the while. I had been able to stand up and focus awhile now, but I dreaded to face him red, swollen and defeated. Yes, I felt defeated, I should probably be kissing his feet by now because of the breakthrough we'd most likely had, but I felt like I'd been conquered. Plus, he'd probably run away and leave me to die in the woods if I even pouted my lips near him, I thought bitterly.

Finally, I got up and looked at him. He smiled a happy smile, and I went over to sit next to him by the tree.

"Why do I feel like I've been proven wrong?" I said and he turned towards me, looking at me with his glorious eyes.

"You've been carrying this for ages, telling yourself subconsciously it's the right way to handle it, locking it inside and running away from it. It would be strange for you not to feel like that." Edward leaned his head towards mine against the tree trunk, peering at me intently. "But this was what we wanted, to beat the anxiety, and it's a good thing."

I couldn't do anything but just stare back, leaning my own cheek towards the trunk. Our faces were inches away, I could feel his breath on my skin, see every single variation in color in the depths of his eyes, every freckle, the softness of his mouth. I trailed off, vanished absolutely in my amazement for him.

Didn't he feel the sparkles?

How quickly I'd shifted from experiencing the horrible bodily sensations to these astounding and mind-blowingly delightful ones. Suddenly I thought of how Jake made me feel safe, and I knew I could feel the trust I had in him vitalized in how I felt for Edward. I figured it was because he'd seen me through the pain safely. It wasn't much compared to how Jake once had felt, but more then anyone else.

I made the slightest involuntary twitch of my head towards Edward, and I quickly saw the error. He mistakenly interpret it as me leaning in, and I wasn't. I didn't think I was. Had he not turned his head away, I wouldn't have minded, that's for sure.

"When I told you to enhance the fear by crawling further out on the ledge," Edward said suddenly, his voice all Dr. Carlisle Cullen-esque, the magical moment gone forever, "you said you would die if you went closer. I know you said you wouldn't do anything, but were the fear of death linked to an accident or intent?"

I didn't say anything. I think he just asked me rhetorically, really. He had probably figured I needed to consider it myself. My psychological evaluation was not his task anyways, I was going to sum this all up with Dr. Cullen in a week.

"I feel safer with you now," I whispered instead. I couldn't help myself, I was a flood of emotions right now, letting something out felt like liberation from drowning in it.

"That's nice, it will be useful when we're going to do this again," his face lit up, I could spot success gleaming in his expression. It pleased me to see him this genuinely happy for his own achievement, but I realized it might just be so authentic because the slight cloud of guilt vanished.

"Well, we should be getting back home," he said decisively, got on his feet and offered me a hand. I grabbed it, greedily taking physical contact in any shape over none.

"Yeah, I guess. Thankfully I have you and your map to lead me back home safely," I said and followed him into the forest. "If I'd get lost I'd probably have so many anxiety attacks I'd eventually be cured, then really die of starvation. How ironic would that be?"

I heard him chuckle lowly in front of me. "Nice to have you back, Bella." He said and kept on walking.

My eyes were plastered on his ass the entire way back home.

--

Friday after my molecular biology lecture, and after leaving my finished paper at Professor Stanley's desk, I got a phone call from Alice.

"Hey, Alice, you're lucky, walking out from lecture this second," I said, still on a high from the excellent two hours I'd spent in there.

"Oh, brilliant!" She cheered, I heard a muffled crowd in the background of her voice.

"What's up?" I asked, taking the usual brick road across the lawn. I reminisced the last time I'd walked here, having Jake block my path. It didn't sting like yesterday when I thought of him now, I felt as if I could manage without him.

"Jasper, Rosalie and Emmet," she said the last name with anticipation, "and I, are having a picnic lunch in the western garden in half an hour. Want to join us?" She sang through her phone.

I grimaced as the location name sounding in my ear was far from known to me. It would probably take me hours of rummaging around, not a half one, before I'd be able to make an appearance.

"I can meet you by the library?" She offered before I had time to grovel for a guide.

"Yes, that would be great!" I said, happy to overcome my handicap once again. The library was only around the corner from where I was already walking.

"Give me ten minutes," Alice said.

I waited on the stairs in front of the library. There was a full sun today and blue skies like yesterday, a smile widened my lips by the thought of yesterday. I was content with my choice of wardrobe today, a beige top, coupled with a white skirt reaching my knees, and comfortable flip flops. I'd even pulled my hair up and put on sunglasses to keep the sun from annoying me.

It was originally a good wardrobe. There were a lot of coincidences keeping me from being noticed that day, like me choosing to sit somewhat in the shadow, far left on the stairs, easily concealed from a passerby. My uncharacteristic hair, sunglasses, clothes. I am merely speculating, of course. I was convinced for some time that it was fate hitting me, that I was just being too happy, having too much hope for bliss in the future.

Doesn't it sometimes seem as if that's when it happens? When you have the longest to fall, that's when you slip.

I sat gazing dully at the passing crowd, didn't even notice them at first. I even remember thinking they were a cute couple. They came off as any two people walking together, sun bathing them in rays and glistening in their bronze-colored and strawberry-blonde hairs. I let my eyes drift bored on to the next people walking past. I went cold suddenly. My body knew it before I did, I didn't even dare to look at first.

When my eyes darted desperately back, searching for the impossible, I felt a heaviness fall inside of me as I lost my breath, I stiffened completely as I struggled to keep from closing my eyes and erase the sight, but knew I could never even consider taking my eyes off them.

My mind at the time went blank. I sat on the stairs, becoming one with the marble foundation I was seated upon. I was a statue, I could have been sitting there since the beginning of time, I could not be there at all. It felt illusory, something that would only happen in a dream. Or possibly, a nightmare.

I watched as she giggled and leaned close to him, daring to take his hand. He let her slide her hand into his, folding his around her feminine fingers, painted to match her red summer dress.

His arm went up to her face, caressing it slightly, then finishing the movement by letting it slide through her silky hair. They exchanged smiles, had even stopped completely, exchanging amorous looks with their eyes, when he leaned in and kissed her.

Edward didn't run away, he didn't pull away or hit her with his ethics. He was having a magic moment with someone else. She was probably swooning like I would have. Should have.

They walked on. As if they had only stopped in my line of sight, to make sure I witnessed the whole view. As if he knew I was sitting there and doing it on purpose. I knew he didn't, I was hidden and today he probably wouldn't have recognized me if I had been standing in front of him.

My first instinct was to topple over and cry like a maniac. Not in the anxious way, but in the normal heartbroken way. I'd felt really close to Edward yesterday, felt like as if we shared something special, felt like I could have what I had with Jake and then more. With him.

I felt stupid suddenly, for believing his ridiculous "my ethics" excuse. I tasted the bitterness filling me up inside, I'd never felt this betrayed before. I knew it was unwarranted, he'd never promised me anything, actually, he'd said he'd never make a move again. But I had hoped this was only his own reasoning, that he'd meant the kiss and really only cared for his stupid professional lines being crossed. That I might have a chance when I had been cured.

I'd been pushing myself to see that desire become truth, and thought yesterday was taking me there.

Oh, the disappointment and resentment I felt sitting there. I felt foolish for feeling anger and betrayal, but I couldn't help myself wanting to throw them both over the damn ledge right now.

Poor, Alice, probably closed on me with her soft ballet steps, nearing what must have seemed as nothing but an absent-minded version of me. When she was only a few steps beneath me, peering up at me eagerly, I let my façade fall. Her facial expression turned from thrilled into stunned surprise as I looked at her. My face must have been a mess, there were no tears, but there was pain. I couldn't even hide it, the thought of smoothing it over seemed ridiculous, it could not be done.

"Bella," she mouthed breathlessly and was by my side in an instant. She embraced me and I fell limp in her hold. I didn't even have time to contemplate how public I was showing my emotions. I needed to feel good again, I needed her to shift the balance back.

"What's wrong?" She asked pressing her head towards the back of my skull.

"I didn't know…" I muttered sadly, "I feel so stupid," I ended and broke free while looking at her. Sweet Alice, how nice of her to comfort me like this. But it wasn't enough.

My equilibrium was lost. I did what I had to do, I had to feel good again, and I let my gut feeling guide me towards my immediate salvation.

I told Alice I would be ok, I'd have to miss the picnic and had to go home to sleep some. I said I was tired.

Her face glowed of mistrust and worry when I turned. As I rounded the corner, I pulled up my phone from my jacket, and feeling like a criminal, I dialed Jake's number.

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**Quite the chapter, eh? I'd love some feedback on it, review, review, review! :)**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Nothing from twilight is mine.

So there's been some weirdness with login, got tons of writing done over the weekend, at least.

This is a pretty long chapter with darkness and angst, hope you don't mind, got a bit carried away. Enjoy! :)

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**Chapter 10**

Any reservations I'd had about taking contact with Jake again were demolished the second I saw his face again that day. I couldn't believe how dim-witted I'd been, thinking I could live without him in my life. He was my safe harbor, for fucks sake. And I really felt as if I was coming home when I threw my arms around his neck. Add beer, and it was healing time.

We embraced tightly in silence in his dorm doorway, my body cried out for him to make it all better. I wanted him to work his magic, like only he knew, to instantly make it all feel insignificant.

I'd called directly after seeing Edward with the girl, Jake had picked up on the first ring.

"Where do you live?" I'd asked him simply, there wasn't time for anything else. Hopefully I'd reach his dorm relatively quickly. He had stammered the name of his dorm and threw in directions as well. My Jake, he knew me so well.

Reaching the dorm from the library was a piece of cake, I could walk in a straight line and stop when I bumped into it. That was the level of difficulty even I could easily master.

Jake lifted me slightly, not letting me go, but turned and walked with me hanging around his neck into his room and closed the door. He put me down gently and then dislodged my arms from his neck.

Pain welled up inside me when I saw how his face was twisted in all sorts of emotions.

"I'm sorry," I said, and peered into his eyes with all the sincerity I could muster. "I need you, Jake, I know that now. I've forgiven you, and right now I just need you to be with me like before."

His frown ceased and he seemed surprised by my exclamation. Then he frowned again. I reached my hand to his forehead, stretched on the tip of my toes to do it, touching his dark skin with my index finger.

"Don't frown, get beer," I said Neanderthal-like and smiled.

Then he became old Jake, carefree Jake with his face glowing of tenderness and joy. I couldn't wait for my instant cup of Jake magic.

I sat down on what I figured was his bed, surrounded by Jake's clothes on the floor. I curled my legs up under me and watched him pull out a six pack from the fridge. Fortunately his roommate wasn't here to bother us, and we could talk freely.

We didn't.

After he handed me the beer, an awkward silence filled the room. Somehow I knew we were supposed to discuss what had happened, but that was not what I needed right now. I wanted Jake to be my pick-me-up, not soul search with him and share our pain like girls.

"How're your classes?" I began, grabbing the opportunity to turn this into a purely enjoyable conversation before he was able to start braiding my hair and sob it out.

"They are great, I really feel like I've found my path in life, Bella," he said, a tad too seriously for my taste.

"Any crappy professors?" I said, hoping for trash-talk to turn this, he quickly picked up what my intentions were.

"Oh, yes," he grinned, my chest heaved in anticipation of being fed distractions to free it from the grave thoughts I could feel churning. "This one guy keeps forgetting to turn of his cell while having a lecture, and it rings constantly, Falcon Crest theme song," he laughed loudly. "And he answers them and stands on the fucking podium having conversations with whoever."

I laughed thankfully and drank of the beer. Laughter and alcohol, it was to me synonymous with Jake.

"So then, one day in class, after just hanging up from another call, the professor gets another incoming phone – he answers it, and we hear a guy in the audience saying: 'hey, this is Mark, would you mind turning off your phone and finish the damn lecture?'"

We kept on with these easy going subjects, slowly re-bonding and ending up finishing all of his beer quite quickly. I was already feeling the buzz. The freedom of the buzz, coupled with Jake's much needed presence, it was like being released from my inner hell.

Jake ordered pizza and left me alone for ten minutes while he went to buy us refills at the store. When he left and I was alone surrounded by silence I began scouting around me for something to entertain myself with. I spotted his laptop and decided some music would be nice, got up and walked over to it. I drew my finger across the mouse pad to get the screensaver off, but to my annoyance it was passworded. I grinned, taking the challenge. Who knew Jake better then I did anyways?

I tried everything, from his favorite motor cycle, his pet iguana Dory from seventh grade, and nothing. I even tried my name. I furiously started looking for some sort of clue, more out of irritation that I didn't know him as well as I had thought, then in belief of stumbling upon it.

I opened the drawer in his desk and started moving things around with my hand, mostly trash. Then my fingers hit something which made a familiar sound. I wrapped my fingers around the bottle and pulled out the familiar orange pill-container. I didn't know of him needing any medicine, I looked anxiously over my shoulder before turning it around to read the label. It seemed as if it had been intentionally scraped off to hide its contents.

I snorted disappointedly, peering intently at the shredded label as to make it miraculously reappear as before ruined.

"What are you doing, Bella?" I heard Jake's voice suddenly from behind me. I screamed in surprise and threw the container into the air while turning around to face him, terrified.

"I'm sorry, I was looking for a password to put on some music and I got nosy, "I am sorry," I repeated, and saw him thoughtfully put down the beer.

"It's ok. They are some pills Tyler, my roommate, gave me. He uses them to keep himself alert and on top for longer periods of time." Jake went over to the floor where they'd landed safely and picked the container up. "Want to try one?"

I gulped. I'd never been one for narcotics, alcohol had been my drug of choice.

"What is it exactly?" I asked carefully, I felt myself being lured into wanting to try it, but didn't want to rush stupidly into it still. Or make it seem like I didn't.

"Ecstasy, it's great, you feel like you're on the top of the world, you feel like the happiest person alive, Bella." He looked at me with this funny look, as if he wanted to see me accept, because that would validate his use of them as well. If I did decline, he would have someone indirectly telling him he was doing something foolish. I think he already knew he was, like I did.

"They will make me feel good?" He had me at feeling like the happiest person alive. Hell, right now I'd settle for any kind of happiness. I think that's what I probably did.

"Yes, want to take some together?" He opened the lid and cocked out a few. He handed me one single pill, I grabbed it and walked over to the bed. We sat next to each other in silence, he handed me a beer and we swallowed them down with it.

I couldn't help myself from grinning in anticipation.

I felt like I was making my body obey me, I made it make me feel good.

And it did, a thousand times what I could have imagined.

Jake and I sat in his room for what must have been an hour after the drug kicked in, just talking like crazy, having wild intellectual discussions about what seemed as great ideas, I felt like my body was so in sync with what I always had wanted to feel.

Pleasure filled me like a tidal wave, refreshing and refreshing it self, regenerating and pulsating through me. I saw the world with different glasses, there were meaning and love everywhere. My relationship to Jake felt stronger, we hardly sat more then an inch a way, constantly being physically close.

We went out after awhile, just walking around campus, watching the wonderful world unfold in front of our eyes like we'd never seen it before. We held hands and ran around in the early summer evening like little children. We rolled in the grass, danced in a fountain, discussed angles and perspectives we'd never before noticed.

It was like breathing, seeing, touching love everywhere. I even loved myself.

After a few more hours we started falling, and it was starting to get dark around us. Jake walked me to my dorm and I promised to call him the next day. He told me to hydrate and get lots of sleep, hugged me tightly and left.

I entered my room and threw myself onto my bed, starting to feel exhausted, but still the drug's effect lingered pleasantly in me.

I didn't even notice Rosalie, she coughed lowly from her desk where she sat with her books. I turned my head slowly and looked at her, still on my back, spread on my bed.

"Was that Jake?" she asked hesitantly. I nodded and couldn't help from smiling. She was so incredibly beautiful.

"Yes, he's great," I stated and got up from the bed and walked to the bathroom. She didn't say anything, but watched me carefully as I danced towards the door next to her. I opened the door and paused in the opening, leaned my head towards the wall and sighed.

"You're the loveliest person alive, Rose. You are, beautiful!" I said, smiling widely, then went into the bathroom.

When I returned and fixed myself a glass of water, I felt her eyes on me suspiciously.

I went to bed and fell asleep for the first time for a long time feeling like the world was a safe and good place.

This was not the world I woke up to. My head ached and I felt tired from all the running and rolling in the grass. Rose was already up, sitting silently on her bed and painting her toes. She didn't even look at me when I rolled out of bed, grunting and panting.

"Do you want to come with me to Edward's today? He's holding a party," she said absent-mindedly. I paused on my way to the fridge and felt a sneer on my lips. Edward.

It was nice of her to ask me, I figured she was trying to include me, but she didn't know how I in so many ways did not ever want to see him again. And that I at the same time would have to in five days. She didn't even know I'd seen him since he ran off after kissing me.

Rose held her poise, not wavering as she waited for my answer. Determined to not let it slip she knew there was weirdness going on with me. I tried to move normally, and even though I knew it must've come off as an obvious charade, it was better then going with my gut on how to react. I wanted to throw the bottle of Mountain Dew I now held in my hands at something and I wanted that something to break into pieces.

This whole situation, with me having a secret connection to him that they didn't know of, was starting to grow ridiculously closer to a farce. I couldn't just spill out that I'd seen him with another girl with what she knew, she'd think me crazy to even have a reaction at all after only speaking to him for one evening. Even with the time we'd spent together without her knowing, even I felt I was overreacting.

The only card I could play, was that they figured I would be rendered humiliated and probably feel uncomfortable being in near proximity to him again. But nothing close to topple over on marble library stairs or doing drugs with my assaulting best friend.

I didn't even understand it, and I knew the whole story.

"I have plans," I heard my voice come out in a timid squeak. The Amazon on the bed didn't move. She just eyed me suspiciously.

"With Jake?" I could hear it in her tone, the disapproving comments dying to be uttered.

"Yes, I know it sounds… stupid, after what he did. But he has done so much nice for me over the years to let a great friendship fall because of one mistake," I defended him. I went over to sit on my bed, soles on the floor, facing her. She sat Indian style with her long legs, elbows on knees and a little forward crouch in her back.

"Be careful, Bella," she said gravely.

Both knew there was a whole lot that could have been said, but she left it at that. I was thankful she didn't meddle, and I think she knew it would have done nothing but make me barricade her out. So she'd chosen a different path to reach me. I didn't want to be reached, I had found my fountain of happiness, my holy grail was pill-shaped.

I grabbed my phone while she swung her legs on the other side of her bed and went over to her computer on the desk. I wrote a quick text to Jake, asking to hang out later. Hopefully I could get a refill of 'orange container-happiness'. Plus, I didn't want to end up having lied to Rose about having plans.

Only seconds passed before I got a reply, a big smiley and a yes. With exclamation point. I sighed in relief, while deciding to get a shower.

When showered and done I twisted a towel around my head and myself, put on some slippers and went to get some clothes across our room in my closet.

I jumped a bit seeing tiny Alice staring at me from the bed. I didn't know how, but she managed to look frighteningly sinister. She sat on my bed, sending me a chilly look across the room. My eyes flew to Rose, who raised her eyebrows in a sigh, while turning to face her computer again.

Apparently they had been talking about me. I didn't know what, but something had been said to make Alice look like a dangerous little pixie person.

My feet went quick over the floor, reaching my cabinet, I pulled the doors aside and snatched the first and best clothing item I could reach in each shelf. Pink and orange wasn't so bad together, right?

"I don't know what's going on with you, Bella." Alice's ominous voice clung melodiously in the room abruptly. I was glad I wasn't facing her. She sounded furious. "We're not ignorant of how your behavior swings, there's something making it swing, and even though I don't know what, I wish you would try to make me understand." Her voice ended in much less anger then it had started out, a heartbreaking tone of concern breaking through.

"I'm sorry about not being at the picnic yesterday," I started, uselessly. She cut me off with a snort.

"I don't mean that, I mean you. You. There's something influencing you, and I can see you struggle. I bet yesterday on the stairs was probably only the tip of the ice berg," she said, and I heard Rose turn around on her chair, probably staring at Alice's forwardness.

"What do you know? Nothing. You're speculating and saying I'm in need of help?" I scowled and turned around facing her. She was a bit taken aback by my reaction, and took a second to gather herself.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but it's like I can see the signs of you slipping and you're not even reaching out for us. I just wish you would reach out and try to stop it," she whispered.

I bit my teeth together. My life was hardly as theatrical as she portrayed it, so what, I experimented a bit to feel better, and I had had a ridiculous crush on her cousin. I was dealing with it, I was doing fine. Who was she to come here and say I was in need of assistance for some dramatic events she created in her own fantasy-land. Who was she to deny me from what happiness I could scrounge together? Because it seemed I had to borrow my happiness, I couldn't just have it in my life as she did, I thought bitterly. Her world was probably perfect and shiny, where everyone felt good about themselves all the time, so that when I showed up it would seem to them as if I was only barely keeping my head above water.

"I am fine," I said sharply.

She shook her head slowly, glancing down for a second. I felt bad for being so angry with her.

"I'm fine," I repeated, this time more softly and approached her gently. I sat down on the bed next to her and bit my lip slightly. "Don't worry about me, ok? I am really fine," my voice actually had a ring of sincerity to it, and she looked as if convinced back up at me.

"I hope you're right. But I get worried, you seem so fragile, Bella," she said, making me chuckle. I seemed fragile to her, she had to be the tiniest grown up person I'd ever met.

"I'm a lot sturdier then I seem," I said and beamed a smile at her.

My phone vibrated and I read Jake's message about how he would be alone from seven. That was in three hours.

"So, are you not coming because of my cousin or because of Jake?" She asked, changing the subject.

"Both, I guess," I said, putting my phone down.

"I tried to talk to him about it, by the way, as I said I would. He's an ass and didn't stay long enough for me to beat some sense out of or in him," she rolled her eyes demonstratively.

"It's ok, I've only met him like once and half times, I don't even think of it anymore," I said, lying through my teeth with every single word coming out of my mouth.

"That's good, maybe Emmett has some cute friends?" Alice said wickedly and turned towards Rosalie. Rose grinned.

"Probably, I could ask him to bring some next time we're hanging out," Rose offered kindly and snickered.

"Well, I got to meet this infamous Emmett yesterday," Alice declared with a satisfied grin. "He was exactly Rose's type. Manly, brute-like nearly in size," she halted as Rose scoffed from her desk, before Alice added sweetly, "and generous, kind and sweet."

"I know, right?" Rose gushed and cheered enthusiastically from her chair. I smiled, happy for her. "Can't wait to see him tonight!"

"Too bad you're not coming, Bella, you're missing drunken horny Rose rubbing against her beau like a lovesick puppy," Alice teased evilly and ducked gravefully as a pillow came flying from the other side of the room.

Being with Rose and Alice like this was nice. It felt genuinely good, but not nearly as well as I would feel three hours later.

---

Jake and I did ecstasy with great effect the next three days in a row. Tuesday I was so exhausted I just lay in bed all day, drinking water and tending to my aching body. I felt like my tendons had aged 20 years over three days, and I knew I had to get some rest. I was having my first session of psychotherapy tomorrow with Dr. Cullen, I didn't plan on being visibly high when I was going there.

My class attendance was what suffered the consequences of my happiness. I sat up all night with Jake, then sleeping the rest of the day. It was an amazing time. I wanted to feel happy every single second of my waking hours, nearly sprinting my way to Jake the second I had recovered from the previous night.

Tuesday evening as I sat in bed and felt lousy, a collective summation from the use of drugs earlier and the lack of them in the moment, Rose entered. She sighed when she saw me.

"Rough night?" She asked and threw her keys on her desk. I didn't reply. Her hands flew resolutely to her hips. "Bella, lets eat out on me, there's a Chinese place in the city that rocks."

I felt my stomach ruble loudly just by the sound of food. When was the last time I ate? The previous days were one big daze.

"Okay," I agreed, Rose smiling as if she'd been victorious in some way.

"I hope you plan on cleaning up a bit before we go, I don't think they serve hobos," she said teasingly. I knew I looked like shit, though.

"Give me half an hour," I said.

Her car was amazing. A red BMW convertible that she'd got from her parents as a graduation gift when finishing high school. I wanted her parents.

While enjoying my too short time in her car, driving the short distance it took to reach down town, I sat with eyes closed letting the wind play with my hair. Now and then I felt a fleeting moment of happiness, and was thankful to Rosalie for dragging me out with her.

The food really was heavenly. While eating, Rosalie got a call from Alice, and told her to come join us. She floated into the restaurant few minutes later, looking pleased seeing me outsides and eating. We ended up sitting there for hours, ordering a second refill with food when we regained our hunger after awhile, talking about random subjects and themes.

At one point Rosalie brought up Saturday's events. They had been avoiding it nicely for quite some time, and I had been expecting to have it come up eventually. They exchanged quick glances when she began speaking, I pretended like I didn't notice.

"He is so good-hearted," she was on about Emmett at the time, "he couldn't shut up all Sunday about how sorry he was for breaking Edward's glass table," she laughed, joined by Alice.

"He was showing a football move," Alice shot in to fill me in on the background.

"Was a really memorable evening," Rosalie sighed and sipped off her coke. "I really wish you'd been there, Bella, you were missed."

"Yeah, Edward even asked for you," Alice added, but her facial expression shifted slightly the next second and she seemed to brace herself for the following sentence. "He introduced us to his girlfriend Tanya, as well."

They eyed me warily, stillness dominating at our table for the first time in hours. I steadied myself visibly.

"Oh, really, that's great," I said, and pat myself mentally on the back for saying it with a leveled voice. They both let out a breath by my reaction and Alice continued the conversation quickly. We spoke about the party for some time, both of them taking every opportunity to insult Tanya as it presented itself.

"I loved that dress on you, Rose! You know what colors suit you, not like Tanya, showing up in that hideous piece she wore." They gushed about the hideousness for awhile, I basked shamelessly in it.

"She will not have any say about my wedding dress, that's for sure," Alice laughed wickedly. I gloated in the cruelty they served me.

"You and Jasper are so right for each other, you understand each other on so many levels. Take Tanya for example, she didn't even get Edward's jokes," and they had laughed evilly.

I couldn't help but enjoy these obvious friendly gestures, and laughed heartily with every single one of the spiteful comments they dished up for me.

When I went to bed that night I wasn't nearly as unhappy I thought I'd be short of a drug high.

My appointment at Dr. Cullen's office went by quickly. He'd only commented my drained appearance in passing, kindly not dwelling on it. I looked tons better then the previous day, but I was still recovering from several days of assembled fatigue.

He told me he'd read Edward's rapport from our hike and said he was positively surprised on how successful it had been. He smiled widely at this.

Soon he'd wanted to talk to me about me, he said he wanted to get to know me better, that by understanding me he'd be able to figure out just how to direct the treatment. He felt my resistance at having to share my feelings, but tip toed carefully around my thickest walls. He was quite the smart fox, dragging things out of me I'd never thought I'd ever let slip.

"Edward mentioned you had had a reaction to dogs." He stated matter-of-factly. I nodded hesitantly. "What kind of dogs did you have when you were younger?"

I was taken aback by this unforeseen question. "Two great Danes, Cooper and Josh. How so?" I asked, wanting to know his intention.

"I am trying to figure out how you went from being at ease near these huge dogs, and not another later on," he admitted. "You were comfortable in these dogs' presence?"

"Yes, they were great dogs. I felt like they were the only ones I could talk to at some point," I said, smiling slightly remembering them both.

"At what point would that be?"

I bit my teeth together, realizing what he was trying to do. He smiled disappointedly at my reaction, clearly tensing up. It was he who had to change the subject after not getting a sound out of me.

"How is your family situation, Isabella?" He asked with a voice layered in unimportance, taking notes on a sheet in front of him. He was trying hard to not give off his interest.

"I lived with my dad until moving here, we've had our disagreements, but he is great," I said shortly, knowing I couldn't evade this.

"Do you feel as if you have a close relationship?" He glanced up at me.

"Not really, we're fine in each other's presence, but we don't talk. We haven't spoke since he dropped me off here three weeks ago," I said truthfully. If he became interested in my failed relationship with dad, he might forget all about..

"What about your mother?" He asked then, I shifted in my seat. It was really directly uncomfortable, I was used to being asked about her. I think people with both parents alive and well never noticed how many times your parents come up on casual conversation.

"She died when I was little, I moved to my dad permanently after it happened," I stated with no difficulty. Before he had the chance to ask, I interrupted him. "Cancer," I said.

"At what age were you when she got sick?" He asked curiously and put his pen down while listening. Complete attention.

"I moved to dad's when I was seven, when she was admitted to a facility. I was never exposed to anything dramatic, I can see it churning in your head, but I wasn't. It was sad and I was devastated when losing her. But I wouldn't turn into Norman Bates if you handed me a motel."

He nodded.

"It is no secret you have troubles, though, Bella. A child losing its mother at such an early age, dramatic events or not, it is possible it might not be the source, but at the least potential fuel to your anxiety."

"I don't think so, it's become a natural thing in my life. I don't think of it anymore." I said, trying to change the subject. Why wouldn't he change the subject?

"I would like to talk of it some more in a later session, but let us continue to talk more loosely around your anxiety." He said finally and we moved onto other things that made me panic.

When we finished the session, I had relived so many horrid situations for him that my mind was begging me to sprint for Jake's.

"I'm gonna write this session up and give a copy to Edward. You'll be seeing him tomorrow, yes? I know he's got an exercise planned, but not sure if he was able to make all the arrangements. He said he'd call you and give you the details tomorrow morning, is that all right?" Dr. Cullen put his notes in a container while telling me this. I held my breath all through the time it took him to say it, and then some.

"Ok," I managed to say, then turned and walked quickly out of his office.

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**How'd you like the chapter and new turn of events, then? Review, review, review.**

**No Edward this chapter, sorry. If you missed him, keep on reading ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Nothing from Twilight belongs to me.

Throwing in another chapter for you. Had enough of Jake's bad influence, time for some heavenly Edward fluff. Ah, shigh.

Thanks for the reviews and the comments on story progression, keeps me writing - so keep it up! :)

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**Chapter 11**

That evening Jake and I kept it going for a long time. When we came down from our high we refilled on the drug instead of going to bed, and re-experienced the greatness once more.

I completely forgot the appointment with Edward, and I when I finally woke up the next day, I had three un-answered calls and two text's from the same unknown number. I got my phone with a shaking hand and crawled myself into sitting position from the floor. I had fallen asleep on my belly, Jake spread out next to his desk. Tyler was asleep in his bed, I hadn't even noticed him coming in. He might have been there while I was high, I couldn't really recall anything clearly.

My head thundered and ached like crazy, we'd been dancing on Jake's bed for hours, several people had been knocking on his door complaining about the loud music. It hadn't had any effect.

I noticed a bruise manifesting on my thigh. Why was I not wearing my pants? I wondered and searched for my jeans under heavy eyelids.

I flipped my phone open and read the text messages.

"Bella, I'm not getting an answer when calling. Can you meet me by the western garden at one? Edward." Short and professional. I read the second one. "Are you going to be able to make it today? We can reschedule if not, call me when you see this. I will be at the western garden, one sharp, Edward."

I groaned and exit the messages menu to see what time it was. 13:02. I got up on my feet, stumbled a little by the blood rushing to my head and slanted towards the bed with my palm to steady myself.

Pants safely back on I sneaked out of Jake's room and started jogging towards the library, from there I'd have to ask around for directions. My heart pounded faster then it should have when I alternated between slow jogging and a quick trot on my way.

I felt my body getting clammy, and my head spun dizzily from what I reckoned was dehydration. The soft rain falling on this clouded day made me feel even more uncomfortable damp.

When I finally reached western gardens after asking random people I bumped into for instructions on how to get there, I couldn't see a single person on the large green field. It bordered to the forest on the far end, with flowers, hedges and fountains scattered across it. Time showed 13:28.

I exhaled heavily, trying to regain my breath and stop my head from spinning, collapsed on my butt into the moist grass, exhausted as if I'd ran a marathon. I felt queasiness lurk inside of me.

Frankly, I didn't know if I was more disappointed or happy he hadn't showed up. I laid my head down in the grass, feeling the light rain drops sprinkle across my bare arms and face. I relaxed and felt my pulse calm down. I rubbed my forehead to ease the throbbing.

"Bella," I heard his voice call for me softly from afar. I opened my eyes, my pulse re-quickening by the sound of him saying my name.

With my hands to the ground I raised my back and sat up in the grass. He was walking towards me, coming from the forest. Reality hit when I realized he was here, I had made it in time and I was first off going to have to face him and then I'd have to stand in front of him and face my darkness.

I didn't have time to think more of it, but I could sense how my body continued reacting to the pending confrontation, heart beating quicker and the well-known tingling of adrenaline.

His brows puckered as he got closer to me, I got up on my feet and waited patiently for him to reach me. I don't think I would have been able to walk a single step at the time.

Facing him now was like facing my fears, of some sort. Facing him I couldn't avoid the feelings he stirred in me, and not only the ones that was related to the sparks I felt. I didn't think he'd be busy feeling jolts of electricity, he probably had a hard time even recognizing the shadow of me that stood in front of him.

"Bella, what… Are you ok?" He looked at me, his eyes taking in the horror that probably was my face. I cringed under the inspection, feeling like he could see straight through me.

"I'm fine, didn't get much sleep last night," I said guardedly, hoping we'd soon ease the tone. He sounded as if I had been in a car crash.

"You knew we were having this meeting, right?" He questioned circumspectly, gesturing me to follow him. He was trying really hard to keep from asking about my personal life, I could see that plain as day.

"You know I did, you've read Dr. Cullen's rapport from yesterday, haven't you?" I said sourly.

"You mind me reading his rapport?" He asked, trying to puzzle it all together. As if me standing here on the lawn in poor condition had anything to do with my therapy.

"Of course I do. I spill my guts to someone, and then he casually summarizes them and hands them to someone else? It feels bad enough to tell one person," I snapped, Edward looked warily at me.

"I will refrain from reading them if you don't want me to," he offered and kept walking. His head was slightly bent while he was what seemed lost in parallel deep thought. I figured he was really astounded by my appearance. I didn't really know how I looked, I could only imagine. His stunned face minutes earlier indicated I would not be able to run for Miss America any time soon.

"No, its ok," I said, gloomily. He nodded again, not saying anything for awhile. We kept walking towards the woods, passing a cherub fountain.

I winced slightly when thinking how awful I probably looked and that Edward even saw me in this shape. Had I been wise I would have been up all night trying to look like a goddess to make him fall in love with suddenly and madly, and discard the blonde like yesterday's leftovers. But no, I had to show up in a manner to put Frankenstein's monster in a good comparative light.

"Have you been trying to exercise facing your fear on your own?" Edward questioned with a strained voice, while trying to make it sound nonchalant. I wasn't completely sure if I liked him being this strained professional this time. Usually it would annoy the hell out of me, I normally would much prefer his real personality to be leading the dialogue over the psychology crap, but the alternative right now was to address my horrid appearance. I embraced the specialist chatter thankfully.

"No, I haven't," I admit and I could see his hands clenched up by my words. His jaw tightened and it was clear to me he wanted to respond differently from what he ended up forcing himself into replying. I couldn't really understand why he'd get all jaw-clenched over me not daring to spend my time near ledges alone yet.

"What have you been doing then?" he spat then, regaining control over himself the second he'd said it. My eyes widened and I stammered. "I'm sorry," he apologized and sighed.

"I have prepared an exercise today, anyways," he continued suspiciously offhandedly, but as my eyes locked on his I saw his fury clear as day, not even slightly faded. His eyes glowed in suppressed wrath.

I halted in shock of his rage and he stopped as well, we faced each other and I remained flummoxed by hid obvious emotionality.

"What is wrong, Edward?" I asked breathlessly, I didn't want to go there really, but I heard myself pronounce it as if it was out of my control.

His name had barely left my lips before he exploded into frenzy, heaving his arms in the air and not even bothering to hide his ire.

"I called Rose when I couldn't get a hold of you, thinking you'd lost your phone or whatever, so I could look you up personally if you were with her." He said, looking at me with pure indignation.

My brows lowered instantly. "You called Rose and asked about me? What the hell are you thinking? She doesn't know I have any contact with you, you asshole," I screamed back at him.

"I didn't ask directly about you, Alice and I was having breakfast anyways, I only asked in passing if you wanted to come as well." He controlled his temper, but only barely, I could hear his voice falter in anger when he spoke.

"I'm sorry I didn't fucking pick up, I was asleep," I scowled at him, trying to surface what he was so damn angry about.

"Passed out, more like it," he uttered then, and I stiffened. "Rose said you hadn't been home all night, and at the breakfast they said you'd been hanging with Jake."

So there it was. They'd backstabbed me over breakfast. No need for silver coins, just throw them some loaf and they spill.

"What the fuck gives you the right to go behind my back and fish information from my friends?" I shouted at him. Seething fury pulsated through me, my focus was completely narrowed in on Edward's face. I could hear barking in the distance as the silence fell.

"I'm sorry, but it was coincidental. They are really worried about you, and speaking professionally, hanging out with Jake is not good for you, Bella. The fact that you even trust him again," he started fiercely. I cut him off with a slap across his face.

"Don't you use your professional distance on me, you piece of shit. You have fucking kissed me and talked to my friends about me. Your professional opinion is worthless to me," I spat and began walking away furiously.

He followed after me. He laid a hand on my shoulder to make me stop, I shrugged it off, but turned towards him.

His facial expression bathed in wretchedness.

"Bella, please, listen to me," he implored me. I waited, still fuming. "I know you don't want to hear it, and that you question my professional opinion, but you need to be careful when you're with Jake. I knew he wasn't a good influence on you, but seeing you today, I can see I was poorly underestimating just how bad it could be." I started to turn the second he said Jake's name. His voice kept preaching as I put distance between us. When I was nearly at the end of the garden grounds, I could hear him add in a defeated manner, "Be careful, Bella."

His words faded as the rain grew harder. I walked sternly away, not looking back once.

I couldn't go to my room, Rosalie would be there, and I would have to hold myself back from killing her in anger. What right did she and Alice think they had, telling Edward about my personal life?

My trust for them had been completely broken, including Edward, especially Edward. It caused me physical pain to even think of their plotting and meddling. I wanted to succumb into Jake and my world forever, and never resurface into this horrible betraying world.

And I did, only showing up for my microbiology class once a week, it was the only thing I could muster myself to do between my high and low's. Jake and I were high as much as we could. I cancelled my sessions with Dr. Cullen, and Edward, saying I needed a break. Dr. Cullen sounded concerned over the phone and said he hoped I would consider staying, I promised him that I'd contact him if I ever felt like retuning to therapy.

I didn't even care how my lifestyle brought me to pieces in front of everyone's eyes. The few times the next couple of weeks I was home showering and changing, Rose shifted between angrily shouting motherly at me, and having a sad expression miserably pained across heir face. I ran out and escaped from her judging stares as soon as I could manage.

Tyler moved back home to his parents, dropping out of school for good. This left and empty bed I could use, and I did. Or metaphorically, I found myself waking up everywhere, having slept all kinds of places, rarely in the bed. Jake and I lived in an intense bubble of happiness, crazily roaming the college grounds or if we felt like it, hanging out at his dorm room.

The only thing which happened that didn't have to do with either Rose's worry, and that wasn't lost in an endless blur of the drug-induced elevated state of mind, was when we got our papers back. Professor Stanley told us to come down to the desk and had five assistants handing them out to the author. I got in the Q-T line and when it was my turn, I said my surname and name, waiting for the red haired girl in front of me search through her lists. She found my name on her list, and then started to search through the papers in front of her. When she'd looked through them once with no results, she started again, but was interrupted by Professor Stanley's presence.

"I can't find this girl's paper, Professor," the girl confessed to the middle aged woman next to her. Professor Stanley looked at me, and waved me to follow after her over to her desk. I followed confusedly after her, fearing I'd failed or that she'd lost it.

"I decided to pull it out of the stack so I could find you a bit discreetly," she began, putting on her reading glasses and drew my paper out from between some of her own lying on the desk. I could see her squinting secretly up at my face, considering my dark rings around my eyes, pondering my academic achievements to the mess I obviously was in person.

"Your paper was brilliant, miss Swan. I like to find those who show the most promise every year, especially in starting classes like this, and encourage them to continue the great work. You excel beyond what I have seen in a long time, Miss Swan," she didn't even bother throwing in a smile, she just stated it simply, as for me to do what I wanted with it.

My eyes widened by the praise and I stuttered stupidly a few seconds, while blushing madly.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"No thanks needed, you did this all on your own, I simply want to let you know it was great. I hope you keep your interest towards this subject and if you do, I am sure you will have a promising future in microbiology." She dismissed me with a gesture of her hand, noticing a guy in a different line then mine missing his paper as well.

She left me then.

I felt a sting of real happiness in my heart, already sore from overloading on bliss lately. The sweetness of real content wasn't measureable to what I had from the drugs, but the difference was that the drug could promise me a life where I could feel exultant constantly. Real life was a tidal wave of disappointments I found myself being swept away by, while bringing on the dependable darkness. I would do anything to keep the darkness away.

Jake and I took higher and higher doses of the drug to keep the feeling last for longer periods of times. I started having bad experiences, even when I wasn't high. I am not sure if I was ever completely sober.

When having a lecture on thermodynamics in microbiology a few weeks into our binge, I sat stunned as I listened to Professor Stanley explain the second law.

"We measure disorder and randomness in entropy. The universe will always trend to become more chaotic and random, it is an unstoppable fact. Locally you can increase order, but unless maintained, it will eventually be more and more victim to the endless decay," she said, clicking the power point to next picture, two pictures of the same house, lined up next to each other. The first picture was of a newly renovated, splendid house, in the next picture the house had crumbled without care and become faltered by the sands of time. "This house has suffered from the unstoppable disorder, decaying. Locally, you can hinder this by spending energy renovating and keeping it from decomposing."

I freaked out. Really. I began shaking uncontrollably, a sweat broke on my forehead and my heart raced so fast I could swear anyone in the auditorium could hear it. I realized I had an anxiety attack out of nowhere. There were no ledges, no dogs or mom screaming. There were only words from my favorite professor on a random day. Yet, I freaked.

Deep down I knew why I was disturbed so greatly by the words. I would realize it later on, and it would also in turn lead to a little breakthrough for me. But the only conscious thought I had was that I needed air. Now.

I probably hadn't been eating for days, I wasn't taking care of myself by hydrating or anything, it was a complete miracle I'd even managed to get dressed and show up at the lecture at all.

I got up and ran out, anxiety familiarly building up inside of me. The rain was pouring outsides, I couldn't care less, hardly noticing it covering me as I ran across the lawn and over the brick road. I ran, sprinting towards Jake's dorm, my safe harbor.

Half ways there I had to slow down, trotting instead as I closed up on my freedom. My general health condition and shape had declined steeply for what had to be a month with inadequate attendance to myself. I'd let myself slip away from what little grip I had had before the breakdown.

I shivered but wasn't cold. Wet, on the other hand, I was. Soaked. I reached Jake's dorm finally, sprinting again to reach his room. Pulling the door, I was anticipating it to be unlocked like I'd left it earlier this morning. It wasn't, and I slammed my palm hard and impatiently towards it. No one opened, and a fuzzy memory of Jake telling me he was going home over the weekend echoed in my head. I gasped, realized my much needed high was only a few feet away, but at the same time, unreachable. I slid down the surface of the door, back against it and down to the linoleum. And I sobbed, first silently, then uncontrollably like a child.

My cries rang in the empty hallway, pain and darkness taking me over and washing me away. I picked up my phone to call someone, anyone, but there was no-one to call. I was drenched in my own self pity and misery. This was not the world we shared.

I had nothing.

My feet was surrounded by the little pond my dripping clothes made on the floor, I started shivering from the cold now. I didn't have the energy to get up, and even if I did, I didn't know where to go.

My rescue was inside of this locked door. I cursed Tyler for leaving school under my heaving sobs. I wanted to escape from myself.

A shade covered me then, I felt shame for crying so loudly that people came to see what the noise was all about. It probably sounded like someone was suffering an excruciating death in the hallway. Took them pretty long time to come and check on me, I thought bitterly, having sat there weeping loudly for awhile now. I shuddered frostily, my icy clothes clinging against my skin as I balled even tighter up and away from the person standing there.

I felt the presence bending down and towards me, and strong hands covered me suddenly, embracing me tightly and rocking me delicately. I recognized him by his smell, he smelled like honey and lilac, just enough for it not to be sickening, and enough to make me push closer to him.

Edward put his chin on my head, I saw him put his dripping umbrella on the floor in front of me, damn him for being practical, and let his free hand drag me even closer. His warm and dry body heated me pleasurably, but I still shivered uncontrollably because of the freezing clothes and my sobs.

I felt as if I fit into his embrace like I was made to do nothing else. I melted into the safety of his arms.

We sat like this until I calmed down, I snuggled against him to steal some of his temperature. I hadn't seen his face yet, I could only see his arms, embracing me around my waist and his right knee leaning against my legs.

"You need to get into dry clothes," I heard his tender voice whisper into my ear. I shivered again, this time because of his breath on my skin.

I didn't want to leave, I wanted him to stay closely packed against me, holding me safe and rocking me gently. He awaited my response, I didn't move a muscle in fear of this ending.

He stirred slightly to position me nearer to him when his hand touched mine briefly. His movement came to an end and his thumb began rubbing the back of my right hand, as to warm it with friction. Soon I watched as how the rest of his fingers on his hand joined in, electricity traveling in spikes up and down my spine. I watched greedily as his circular motions with his fingers turned into a full cover by his palm, locking my fingers inside of his hand, thawing them with his body heat.

"Bella, my car is not far from here, I can take you to my place," he said velvety and I felt flushed, pulse speeding just by the thought of it. "I don't feel right leaving you alone right now, I can make Alice bring you some clothes." His whisper in my ear created goose bumps all over my neck and down throughout my body. I cached my breath and nodded, not wanting to break the spell just yet.

A few minutes passed in peace until he tightened his grip on my hand, broke free his embrace on me and pulled me up with his grasp while getting himself on his feet at the same time.

We stood facing each other, I saw his face for the first time since he'd come and held me. He looked worried, concern grazing his features. He was magnificent. His gloriously green eyes kept a steady lock on me, his body hovering close to me, ready to grab me and hold me if necessary. I was standing so close to him that I could feel the heat of his body reaching mine. Sparks flew between us like a lightning storm.

He still held my right hand, he must've been able to feel my pulse screaming, as his thumb was pressing towards my wrist. He smiled a beautiful half smile, and exhaled carefully. Then he led me to his car, walking unhurriedly all the way through Jake's dorm and to the parking lot outsides. I couldn't help but wonder about his car being parked here, let alone him showing up and holding me close like that. I decided to keep still, the quiet between us was beyond comfortable.

When he was near me like this, he was like my own personal buffer against my troubles. My dark thoughts didn't even take hold in my consciousness, I felt safe just by being close to him.

There was so much to say, but we didn't. There was time for all that later.

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**So, what you think of the chapter? Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. Pretty damn awesome white knight in the ending, eh? **

**Please review and comment, can't wait to hear your responses :)**


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Nothing from twilight is mine, yada yada.

**Chapter 12**

Edward's apartment was comfy and light, paintings hanging on every white wall, dark brown leather furniture surrounding the flat screen in his living room, which led to a cozy kitchen. He even had a balcony, like Alice and Jasper's place did. I tried to look for his bedroom, but the other doors were closed shut. He showed me to the bathroom and told me he'd call Alice while I was showering. He said he knew she was bored at home, which as I knew was in walking distance from us. Her torment would be upon me in mere minutes, I thought ominously and grimaced.

I undressed slowly while studying the bathroom. White as the rest of the apartment, simple and, best of all, I caught his marvelous scent. His apartment smelled just like honey and lilac, ah, the temptation.

I kept from looking at myself in the mirror, not wanting to confirm that my appearance was as bad as I feared it to be. But when pulling down my panties I involuntarily caught a glimpse of the girl in the mirror after all. Her wet hair a mess against her pale complexion, eyes bordered by dark circles, lips cracked from dehydration. My gaze floated further down, taking in the rest of my body. I was skin and bones, I looked downright unhealthy and sickly.

Instinctively I swallowed strained and bat away tears from my eyes. I sighed and turned to the shower. I caught something pink in my peripheral as I did, turning my head back towards the sink. A perfume bottle, next to the soap, a girl's perfume. Tanya.

My eyes closed slowly and I bit my teeth together hardly, stepping into the shower and chose to ignore that bit for just a little bit more.

Rays of delicious water flowed onto my face, burning my skin at first. Gradually I defrosted and stood still letting the streams of pleasure wash away the cold. I forgot all about time and space, not even aware of the fact that I was at Edward's place, standing in his shower, his girlfriend's perfume only a short distance away from where I was. I could see it diffusely through the plastic shower walls, pink standing out like a beacon against the white walls.

The whole experience began tasting more bittersweet by the second. When I wasn't mentally capable of taking into consideration what was really happening. There was more to this then just the fact that the grand Edward had comforted me and held me closely, that he made my darkness cower and safeguarded me from it just by his presence, when I now managed to take it all in, not confused and distracted by the alluring sparkles I felt between us, I realized the enormous weight I felt lifted from my shoulders was only temporary.

He was still with Tanya, and I was still in need of a professional.

He was probably already regretting it fiercely.

I turned off the water, grimacing by my own movement when the warm streams ceased. I could have stood there for hours. But the thoughts had forced me into action, something reflexive kept me from standing contemplating like that for too long, steered me towards Edward.

I grabbed a towel, dried my hair and my body while staring absent-mindedly at the pink bottle by the sink.

There was something in me which removed all reason when I was close to Edward, I didn't see our relationship through his eyes, or objectively at all. I could only see how I needed him, and was innately guided to believe it was as meaningful to him as it was to me.

He knew me as a crazy person who had anxiety attacks, he'd seen me both provoke one and be the victim of one, and he'd kissed me once, afterwards telling me he regret it and then he'd moved on. To pink perfume bitch.

I heard a soft knock on the door, interrupting my trail of bitter thought suddenly, and I listened as Alice said my name questioningly.

"I got some clothes for you, Bella," Alice continued, her voice muffled by the door's presence. I didn't reply again, I didn't know what to say. I hadn't seen Alice since we were at the Chinese restaurant. I had no idea how long ago that had been. I pulled myself together, head feeling a bit heavy suddenly from post-drugs day, and unlocked the door.

She stood holding a pile of clothes towards me, peering measuring at me when I let the door slide open. We looked at each other a second, before I let my hand push the door slightly more up, and backed into the bathroom. She grinned cheerfully at my welcoming motion, and entered the bathroom after me.

After putting the clothes on the bench, just by the sink, in front of the cherry colored container subject to my despise, she sat down on the toilet and waited for me to get dressed.

Touching the fabric I instantaneously knew this was not what my fingers were used to slide across when picking out an outfit in the morning. Lately any outfit not having visible stains had been preferable. I grabbed the top item and let it flow out in front of me from my fingers. A caramel silk dress, knee length, a beautifully ornamented chest, and with two thin straps to carry it from my shoulders.

I sent her a grim look, she huffed.

"Like you have any choice," she mumbled under her breath, triumphantly.

I eased it over my head and down to cover my body. The next item were thankfully a pair of panties, I eased them on as well. Finally she'd added a chocolate brown short knit cardigan to wear to my dress.

She clapped her hands when I was fully dressed and went to stand by me in the mirror. I'd always imagined her as this tiny person with short wild and spiky black hair, but standing next to her now I realized we we're the same size. My hair on the other hand was wavy and falling to my shoulders in brown locks.

The deceivingly healthy shine I got from my perfect attire could do nothing but be revealed by my brown, tired eyes. Alice laid I hand around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder while staring at me.

"I am afraid of losing you, Bella," she murmured to the girl in the mirror.

"I think lately that there's not so much left to be lost," my voice was only a whisper. She grabbed my waist tighter and I saw her eyes glisten and she bit her lip.

A sudden knock on the door made us jump and catch our breaths, giggling when realizing it was just Edward.

"Dinner," he called from the other side of the door, and Alice replied by opening the door and stepping out.

The food fragrance trailed into my nose violently, and I felt an urge to eat stronger then I'd ever felt before. I couldn't remember ever having eaten in my entire life right then.

I walked into the living room and noticed the kitchen table being set and ready. They were both sitting already, facing each other, waiting for me to join them. I pulled out the chair at the end of the table and sat down carefully, knowing I was under apparent examination by Edward.

"You look great, Bella," he said sincerely and passing me the chicken. I filled up my plate twice, Alice smirked contently by the look of my platter filling up.

"Thanks, not exactly what I would consider daily wear, but it will have to do," I said and fidgeted the silk, knowing he was also referring to how the much-needed shower had cleaned me up. Alice snorted at the comment about her clothes.

"I'm insanely hungry," I excused myself while taking another potato.

"You look like you haven't eaten in weeks," Alice remarked sharply and cut her chicken in pieces.

"I am not sure if I have," I said and began eating. They exchanged worried stolen glances at the mention of that.

Our eating was for a short time only accompanied by the clinking of our knives and forks hitting porcelain. Alice took a break in her eating, took a mouthful of her white wine and watched Edward eat. He did it conspicuously long without even glancing up, as if he knew she was waiting to meet his gaze.

She didn't hold on, but spoke without his attention.

"So, I was surprised when Edward called and said you were at his place and in need of dry clothes," Alice began with a mysterious ring to her tone of voice. She placed the glass between both of her palms and leaned against her elbows placed on the surface of the table, on each side of the plate. Edward had stopped dining, and put his fork and knife down with a controlled movement and looked at Alice warningly. "What I don't understand is why you didn't bring her to her own place," she finished picking up her fork again and returning to her food.

Edward glanced at me, I sat silently contemplating how to solve this. I was still trying to come up with a solution not demanding me to let Alice in on my therapy situation. I couldn't see any real harm for Edward's sake in bringing me here, taking care of me when he found me messed up. I wasn't even in therapy anymore.

I knew Edward couldn't be the one sharing this, his mouth professionally hindered from divulging Alice of my condition. So he viewed Alice serenely, then continued eating.

"Does it matter?" He said sharply between bites.

"I would like to know how you end up with being the one who takes her home, obviously in a terrible shape, sorry Bella, and not one of her closer friends? As far as I remember, the last time you met, you acted like a complete ass towards her," her voice ended in a squeak.

Understandably, she was hurt and offended by me letting myself being helped by what she considered a complete stranger to me. I knew she and Rose had been troubled by being shut out by me when they wanted so desperately to save me. Edward put on a stoic face and was prepared to eat the shit his cousin threw at him.

I couldn't have him do that, I had to put this right, Alice had nothing but admirable intentions and I owed her this.

"I know you're all empathic and educated enough to be able to aid her, I know you're _capable_, but I just don't see the connection? Did you stumble upon her somewhere, did you just feel the need to put your mending arms around her and carry out what I couldn't?" She sounded furious, speaking of me as if I wasn't even present. It wasn't difficult to see that Alice was venting on Edward, especially in the brutal way she kept unharmed from her verbal attacks, as if she didn't mean any harm.

"He found me," I said, Alice took her seat again, having stood up in agitation. "I was in a bad shape at the time," I continued, and was at a loss on how to explain why he had brought me home with him. I didn't even quite know that.

Edward noticed my hesitation about further details and picked up the thread where I'd left off. "I feared for her wellbeing, and didn't feel comfortable leaving her without professional supervision, so I took her back home with me and called you." He stated, sending me an apologizing half smile for letting me in on how he'd probably thought I'd kill myself.

Alice and Edward were silent then, I breathed carefully, hoping someone would turn off the uncomfortable-switch.

"Ok. Fine. Do you think she should stay here some time, or what?" Alice asked. I coughed to signalize I was still present in the room. "Sorry, Bella, but I am not sure if I trust your judgment at the moment," she said harshly towards me.

"We can't keep her here against her will, Alice," Edward informed her.

"Watch me," I heard Alice whisper under her breath, Edward smiled slightly.

"If you want to stay here some time, Bella, you are welcome to," he turned to me as he spoke. Alice nodded in agreement and stood up.

"Well, when that is settled, I have to get home and tell Jasper and bring some more clothes for Bella," Alice began walking towards the exit. We watched her disappear and heard the door close.

We chuckled together over the weirdness that was Alice.

"You are welcome to stay, Bella, but it's your own choice," Edward repeated again, undercutting Alice's decision.

"I don't want to be any trouble," I said.

"You're not, I would prefer to have you here, in close distance, so I can finally have some sense of relaxation," he said darkly drinking of his wine.

"What do you mean?" I asked curiously.

"I've had daily reports from Alice and Rose about their worries concerning you, Bella. Every day the reports get gloomier and I was going insane thinking one day you might disappear completely. I can't help but feeling guilty for obviously fucking it up somehow," he muttered and viewed his food sternly.

"Don't think like that, there have been so many factors, many of which happened a long time before I even knew you," I said whispering, urging him to believe me.

"But you were making such good progress in therapy and I was seeing how it helped you, and then it turned so suddenly, suddenly you were slipping away and shutting us out. Carlisle was beside himself with guilt," Edward ranted. "Can you promise me to take up therapy again, Bella? Please. I beg of you, please let us help you," he pleaded.

I knew what that meant, there could be no room for sparks, and I would have to face my darkness again.

"Please," he insisted and took my hand franticly.

"Ok, ok. I will," I heard myself say, and I cursed my weakness for him. Wretched darkness.

He exhaled in relief and his expression transformed into a peaceful one.

"How did you find me, Edward?" I asked then, as if I'd pulled the question out of nowhere, I didn't even expect it.

He snickered softly. "You just barely missed crashing into me and Jasper when you ran towards what I assume is Jake's dorm?" I confirmed with a nod, he nodded thoughtfully, but said nothing.

"You followed me then?" I asked him curiously.

"Had I any choice? I've seen you when you're suffering, I could spot the distress from a mile away on your face. Plus the running madly through the courtyard part gave it off a bit, as well," he said smugly, I blushed and cackled imaging how crazy I must have looked.

"Jake went home for the weekend, I'd forgotten all about it," I explained, trying to explain why he'd found me collapsed in front of a door.

"I can't help but want to save you from yourself when I see you like that, Bella," Edward said, humorlessly.

"I'd probably be there still if it hadn't been for you, Edward, I have to thank you for once again pulling me out of my panic."

He shook his head. "I feel like I am responsible for this, Bella," he said gravely and he looked at me with his flickering eyes again, and I was now the one shaking my head.

"Edward, I am the one who should be sorry, you were trying to help me, and I ruined myself, I ruined it all," I said melancholically and felt sadness well up inside of me. "I feel like I've broken myself for good," my voice came out in sobs suddenly.

Edward rushed over to me, pulling his chair with him, he laid his arms around me and held me tightly like earlier.

"It's gonna be ok, Bella," he whispered softly into my hair, and I felt him pressing his mouth to the top of my head. I pressed against him and sniffled. He was not even hiding the fact that he was kissing me now, making his way from my head, down my temples and too my right cheek and then reaching my lips. His hand went up to my chin, cupping it and lifting me willingly towards him.

Soft and warm lips surrounded mine, caressing mine and he pressed against me with his body and drew me closer with his free arm. I gave in completely, tasting him greedily and kissing him urgently through my tears.

He let his hand on my chin slid down from its position and trailed his fingers down my throat. His fingers left a tail of tingles aching for another stroke, and he moved his hand to the back of my neck, pressing my head towards him, kissing me harder.

I never wanted the kiss to end, and just as his tongue touched mine, shooting sparks so strong through my body I shivered, the front door slammed and we heard Alice dance through the entrance hall.

He let go of me suddenly and moved swiftly back to his plate. I was overcome by surprise and reached speedily for my glass of wine to have something in my hands. Edward rapidly leaned towards me and tenderly wiped away my tears with his thumb, before clutching around his own glass of wine.

As Alice entered we sat catching our breath and trying to make it appear as we sat casually by the dining table, nonchalantly drinking our wine and having a pause in our conversation. I was glad I was seated, if she was to ask me to stand I'd probably faint and give it all away.

Still recovering from my literary taste of heaven when she sat down, I resolutely pulled myself together and pretended as though nothing had happened.

Alice joined in and we chat superficially for a few hours. Edward denied me more then one glass of wine and I sulked sourly.

"This is not going to be solved by escaping it, Bella," he said firmly.

I could need some alcohol about now, but I knew it was probably wise to lay off drugs if this was going to work. He turned to Alice and announced then that I was going to start seeing Carlisle. He left out the part where I would actually be taking up my therapy with him, but she didn't need to know.

Alice beamed and cheered. "That's great, Bella, I am so happy that this is happening, I finally can sleep at night again," she gushed and I guiltily.

"You'll be on the right track in no time, Bella," she assured me. "I put a bag of stuff by the bathroom door, by the way. And called Rose to tell her you were safely here, having suffered through an intervention," she said sinisterly and snickered victoriously.

Edward started to clear the table while Alice and I spoke. After he was done he disappeared into the hallway, and Alice lowered her voice then.

"I hope Tanya is ok with this arrangement, she's gonna have a fit if she walks in her finding you strutting around in the skimpy clothes I brought," she giggled wickedly, probably thinking I'd enjoy mocking her together. My thoughts flew to the pink bottle on the bathroom bench, I cringed reminiscing the passionate kiss we'd shared moments ago.

Alice misjudged my disturbed look and interpret it as a reaction to the skimpy clothes reference. "I put in some more average clothes, as well," she said sourly, "but not a lot, I knew you'd never use any of the ones I want you to wear if so," she pouted.

"It's ok," I said reassuring, gathering myself. "I promise I will at consider wearing them."

She smiled widely.

After Alice left I curled up in the leather sofa standing opposite Edward's TV. I grabbed a blanket and wrapped myself gently into it, covering my naked toes by the wool.

"Coffee?" Edward asked from the kitchen, I accepted and he came carrying two cups into the living room. He handed me one, a plain black cup, and kept a green and blue shaded one for himself. I sat in the far left side of the sofa, he went to sit on the other side, mirroring my position.

"I heard the story about your missing table," I smiled and looked at the empty space on the floor.

"Emmett had some trick up is sleeve," Edward said and sipped off his coffee.

"Oh, tastes perfect," I said after tasting it myself

"It's without caffeine," he informed me and took another sip after blowing a few times to cool it with his breath. "You look like you need sleep desperately, I'm not going to keep you up unnecessarily."

I mused wickedly to myself that he could keep me unnecessarily awake for as long as he wanted to. I hid my smile behind a raised cup.

"I am going to take the couch, of course, I changed my sheets earlier, you can go to bed any time you feel like it," he notified me.

"I don't mind sleeping on the couch," I said disagreeing. "Believe me, from where I've been waking up lately, a sofa would be a step up," I said, chuckling morbidly.

"You're taking the bed," he concluded, signaling with his voice he would not yield on this matter. I shrugged and enjoyed the solid cup of black coffee he'd made me. I was completely content at the moment.

I saw him picking up on my mood and his face lighted up.

"You want to know why I had a fit and ran off?" I asked then, his eyes widened, then followed an eager nod. "It's stupid, really," I said, slightly less determined.

"I want to hear, Bella," he said with a voice so tender that I would have given in had even if what he had said had been unintelligible.

"I was in my microbiology class, having a lecture on energy; thermodynamics. The professor explained the theory, how everything in the universe progressively becomes more and more chaotic, random. She used a house to illustrate it, how a normal house will decay and become unlivable unless you use energy constantly to keep it from being ruined." I blabbered, and then felt tears well up inside of me. "I felt like that house, slowly broken down to pieces, wasting away and chaos ruling me more and more." A sob caught in my throat.

Edward leaned in towards me and said caringly, "But, Bella, you just have to maintain yourself, keep fixing what's broken, we all do. If you let yourself go completely, you'll lose yourself to randomness," he whispered.

"But I realized that I don't know if I have the energy to keep myself from falling apart, Edward," I said it with a voice I'd never before heard come from myself. I heard how weak I sounded, how purely stripped of any form of defense it was. I don't think I'd ever been this honest with anyone before.

"You don't have to rebuild it all on your own, we will help you. You can't live in a wrecked house, no-one can," he rubbed the back of my hand like he had earlier in the corridor. "I will help you, Bella," he promised, and I felt hope fill me.

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**Reviews and comments are accepted gladly! **


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Sorry about the short chapter, but that's all I had time to cook up.

Again, I am super grateful for the feedback I am getting, really motivating and helpful when writing on. And, yes, there's something horrible in Bella's past that makes her suffer. Will get to it soon enough ;)

Hope you enjoy.

**Chapter 13**

I was in Edward's bedroom, I repeated to myself giggling, and glancing cautiously around myself. It was simple as the rest of his place. White walls. But he had a double-sized bed. For a second I caught myself wondering if I was physically strong enough to take him prisoner and force him to sleep next to me in it. He had after all kissed me only hours ago.

My fingers touched my lips and I skimmed the surface gently, thinking back to how marvelously perfect the kiss had been.

Then I remembered Tanya, and I couldn't help wonder why he was acting like that when he was with her. I knew he wasn't a bad person, but he was hurting both me and her when playing like this.

I sat down on his wonderful bed and sighed. I was just the right level of desperate for him to pull a stunt on me like this and not to stop him. I knew it was wrong, letting him do this to me behind his girlfriend's back, and not confronting him with it. But my mind was far from reason and further away from making him stop when he kissed me. Hell, he could have made me rob a bank with a well timed wink of his eye.

I would have to slap him again soon, though. Or myself, so I could press myself into telling him to stop playing with my feelings. I knew so well there had to be a confrontation of some sorts, this unruly mess of entangled feelings and betrayal was exhausting. Throw in a cup of mental instability and you had the recipe of how to make an excellent loony bin.

I heard him walking around in the living room, probably making a bed out of the couch.

He'd fucking kissed me, I screamed internally. I fell theatrically backwards into the bed and felt my heart thump heavily just by the recollection of it.

My brows furrowed as I considered the several hindrances that seemed to impede me advancing from spending the night alone in his bed, into having him share if with me. He still had a damn girlfriend. I was still in need of his psychological services. On top of this, it seemed I'd also managed to fall into a weakness for drug mediated happiness.

A predicament dawned on me, then. Where would I turn if I was overcome by darkness, and Edward wasn't there to help me? Or if he was the one who caused it. The terrifying scenarios were hardly bolts from the blue, bearing in mind I had a familiarity in experiencing people I depended on let me down.

My mind went on autopilot then, sweeping me away from the shadows and taking me back to the safety of the present. The automatic change threw me from pending darkness to physical action. Move, my body told me, just keep moving and it will not touch you, it will be kept on arms length, not surfacing into conscious thought.

I got up abruptly, and walked out of the room and out into the living room. I wore only my panties and a white top, but this felt so urgent a matter my choice of clothes was of no importance. I was running from my own thoughts.

Edward backed up in surprise when I saw me round the corner in a determined pace, reached the former couch, now bed, eyeing him firmly. I crossed my arms over my chest to come off even more strong-minded. This rally was completely sponsored by my need to distract myself and ventilate, but I was hardly aware of that.

"Did you not plan on ever telling me?" I asked sharply, he gazed stunned at me, confused muttering escaping from between his lips. I figured he'd not imagined me coming storming furiously back later after saying friendly good night ten minutes earlier. Even I hadn't expected this to go down, but at least I was pressing the point sooner then later, while my brain was not otherwise occupied envisioning Edward's glorious naked body.

"About Tanya," my voice did not waver slightly, I even threw in a confident head tilt for good measure. Witness the proud display of my complete self control.

"I know of her, of course, but you don't know I do. And you fucking invited me to stay here and fucking kissed me earlier, toying with my emotions when you have a girlfriend," I shrieked now, my short lived serenity vanished.

He grimaced. "I planned on telling you about her, but it never seemed as the time for it," he explained weakly. I snorted and stepped closer towards him.

"I am one fucking downhill from never surfacing, and you didn't even think to fucking tell me about her?" I screamed accusingly. This was perhaps a minor overstatement, I was hardly a co-coo from joining the nest, but another strike could seriously relinquish what little remains of faith I had for surviving this.

"I know, I feel really bad about…" He began, but I interrupted him swiftly.

"And that helping rebuild my ruined house, what the fuck, tearing it down to the damn ground is more like it," I could sense tears welling up in my eyes now, blinking angrily to keep them away. No way I was crying over this.

"Bella, calm down, please," he begged, his features tormented by guilt. The sound of my name broke the spell of anger, I viewed him writhe in torture on the couch slash bed, regretting my nightly parade suddenly.

I sat down on the couch then and sighed wearily, then milliseconds later I was overly aware of my far from decent clothing. I blushed by even being this naked in his presence, and making matters worse, he soon rushed over to sit next to me.

"I will help you rebuild your life, Bella. With therapy you will be victorious." His voice was filled with determination, his eyes intently on mine. "But you need to realize I will not end up being there for you to lean on whenever your anxiety wants the best of you. Carlisle and I will help you become strong enough to deal with it yourself," he said, grabbing my hand passionately, I flinched and retracted it as if scorched by his touch.

"I will be able to withstand the anxiety myself?" I asked, voice layered in skepticism.

"In time. Then you won't have to need me or Jake around to catch you when you fall. You will know how to pick yourself up and master it, not let it overcome you," he claimed and smiled softly in response to my dubious look.

"As for Tanya," he said then, sadly. "I have kissed you twice now, even though I try to be strong enough to keep myself from kissing you. You are right, I have your mental wellbeing to consider, and I have had that in mind since the first time I met you. Well, probably the third time, the first and second weren't the zenith of your splendor," he chuckled morbidly, I winced at the memory of running into him and then throwing up on him.

He continued in a stern tone, smirk wiped off his face. "I feel awful endangering that by not being able to reign myself, but you sometimes you make it impossible to resist," he gestured with his hands while explaining, his voice quivering.

"Are you saying it's my fault? Are you fucking blaming me? That's some kind of explanation," I pushed him away angrily. He hid a smile, I could see it before it disappeared and I scoffed.

"No, please, listen. I am insanely attracted to you, Bella. I try to not let myself act on my frequent impulses, but I have. One time I was rendered moronic by alcohol, earlier today I couldn't resist when you," his voice tailed off, and he drew his breath before ending the sentence, his green eyes locking on mine as finished, "I feel this incredibly strong urge to protect you and save you, you make my head spin when you're sad," he ended and looked down in a resigned manner.

"I don't mind," I whispered daringly. He chuckled tiredly.

"I do. I value my morals. I felt something when I was with you on the ledge that day, and I knew I had to break free before it could implicate and ruin your sessions. So I started seeing Tanya, and we have been going out for several weeks now, and I like her." I felt a sting in my heard when he spoke of his feelings for her. It hurt worse when he went on. "I am not the kind of guy who cheats on his girlfriend. I have also always valued my ethics, and I don't want to be the guy who selfishly puts himself first, endangering your mental health. I don't want to risk you not receiving the best possible treatment, because you deserve to be happy as everyone else, and you can be," he spoke resolutely and I watched him puzzled.

"Summarize?" I pleaded, trying to gather myself, knowing how heartbreaking it would be.

"I am going to help you face your fears and eventually leave you able to deal with them yourself, and I am staying with Tanya." He said definitely and I nodded, perplexedly.

I stood up without saying anything, numb.

"Bella," he called before I reached the entrance hall. I turned. "Are you going to be ok?"

"I hope so," I answered in a wavering voice, then went to his bedroom and crawled up into his bed. I didn't fall asleep for hours, staring at the ceiling, feeling the great need to call Jake pull and tug in me. I wanted a pick-me-up badly. I sucked it up and finally a dreamless sleep came.

In the following morning, Edward knocked softly on the bedroom door and woke me up safely for microbiology class. He had already made a splendid French toast breakfast, and drove me all the way to the grounds in time after.

We didn't speak of the previous night's events, just exchanged pleasantries and tried to keep a safe distance. I felt a menacing wanting to act coincidentally tormented when close to him just so he would slip and kiss me again, but I was torn between that alluring need and the need to punch something in frustration. The turn of events had favored Tanya greatly, and left me devoting silent moments to hate her bitterly.

Edward had called his uncle that morning, informing him that I was going to participate in the trials again. Dr. Cullen had been pleased and offered to see me the same day. Edward had asked if I wanted him to be present, and I'd shrugged carelessly – he was going to read the rapport after anyway, he might as well get the live performance.

And I would get to stay in close proximity to him.

I shook my head angrily, I couldn't keep letting myself walk down this path. He had unmistakably put it out there plainly yesterday, he wanted to be with his girlfriend and I didn't really want to ruin that. Deep, deep, deep down, I really wanted him to be happy, even if it meant him being with her.

I could force myself to see past my immediate and all-consuming desire for him, I would endure this, and I would focus on the other matter at hand – facing my fears.

--

**Had to clear this out of the way. Next one will be longer, fluffier and angst-filled. **

**Reviews and comments are happily accepted!**


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

As some of you perceptively noticed Bella didn't experience any withdrawal when staying off drugs for so long. I couldn't seem to find any info in how much time it would take for her to suffer from going cold turkey, so I am wickedly taking advantage of that. For fictional purposes she's experiencing them the next day. The symptoms are all normal for ecstasy withdrawal.

Thanks for the comments and reviews, they make my day! It's great to see you get so involved with the characters. Hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

**Chapter 14**

I got to class and sat at my usual spot in the far back. My body still felt sore and tired after the drugs. Professor Stanley's lecture couldn't even reach through to me that morning, I was numb and exhausted – even after sleeping through the entire night.

As the lecture ended, I got up to leave and planned on dropping by my dorm, but halted as I heard the Professor's voice announce that the papers were ready to be picked up down by the podium.

I froze and couldn't even remember there having been a paper due. Had I handed one in? The terror struck me like a lightning bolt. I wasn't sure which I feared the most, having handed in some incoherent and terrible paper I didn't even remember writing, or not having handed in anything at all.

My mouth formed an 'o' as I felt the dismay of the situation take hold in me. I looked at the students around me, fusing from their rows into a crowd around Professor Stanley's assistants. I then saw the dreaded person in question headed up the stairs towards me, eyeing me sternly.

"Fuck," I mouthed and felt my mouth go dry.

"Miss Swan," Professor Stanley said in an acidic tone as she closed up on me. I awaited her critique, hoping it would hold information about whether my paper was either absent or terrible. "I gather you are pondering what implications your actions are going to have?"

She was standing next to me now, her caramel heels positioning her inches taller then me, looking disapproving down at me.

"I am," I whispered, wincing.

"Not handing in a mandatory paper is grounds for failing this course." She perfected stern and authoritarian voice fully. A lump began to grow in my throat. "You will write your paper and deliver it to my office first thing Monday morning, I am only letting this debacle slide because of your previous performance. Don't let me down," she didn't even change her pace as she said it, showing no signs of the great favor she did me.

She turned swiftly and left me again. I couldn't decide if I should be more mortified or thankful right then, but left before fate could interfere and ruin my second chance.

--

EPOV

I sat in my car, listening to music and waiting for her lecture to end. I wasn't going to risk her having some sort of mental breakdown on my watch, not if I could help it.

Tanya called once, we talked about tomorrow's party at her friend's. I hesitated to commit myself to showing up. My situation with Bella might require my attention. I didn't tell her this, of course. Of course? Was it such a natural thing to conceal from her? I had a feeling I should have told her, but I didn't, and instead lied in a casual voice saying I might have to do some unexpected work on the trials.

Could it be I just wanted more to spend my time close to Bella then Tanya? I had been pretty damn sure these past weeks that I wasn't deceiving myself into having feelings for Tanya just to escape Bella's alluring call. We'd really had a great time, great uncomplicated time.

But I still had found myself kissing Bella yesterday, and fucking telling her I had feelings for her. I did, and I had known for awhile that I was particularly pathetic around her. I had decided on enlighten her and then reject her to clear things up, I had to get this therapy on the road again. Every fiber of my being yearned for her, but the powerful need I experienced to get her well overruled my desires by ten folds. And I was perfectly happy with Tanya.

I tapped the beat with my fingers on the steering wheel. I waited patiently. I was drawn towards her as a magnet, perfectly at ease when at a close distance. She did strangely feel as she was the center of my life, how effortlessly she'd taken that position, I gravitated around her.

I still had feelings for Tanya, despite Bella's unusual enticing pull on me. And I meant it when I said I would stay with Tanya, it was for the best, we could both be happy that way.

Students started streaming out of the auditorium doors and I searched for her petite figure in the crowd. I found her quickly, Alice's blue sweater sticking out in the mass like a beacon. I got out to meet her, walked across a middle sized lawn on a romantic brick road crossing it, heading straight towards her.

I soon sensed that something was off, that the way the people adjacent to her in the swarm distance themselves wasn't natural. I could see her head anxiously turning back and forth, her long sleek hair flowing ominously. I sped up.

"Get away from me!" her voice shrieked frightened suddenly, people moved even further away, now staring at her shamelessly as if watching a show. "Don't touch me!"

I managed my way through the circle of bystanders looking at her warily, breaking into the opening and then finally facing her. Confused and panicked, she backed away from me as I walked towards her carefully. "Get the fuck away," she screamed hysterically.

This was not any panic attack, I registered bewildered and immobilized my rescue. I had to know what I was up against before I attacked, but this was not any behavior I was familiar with when it came to Bella.

Instead it reminded me of a few schizophrenic patients I'd seen act out in paranoia once. My eyes narrowed, and I instinctively shouted at the people surrounding us to get the fuck away. There was a collective startle by my barking command that went through the crowd, but they began fading away slowly.

Bella was up against the brick wall now, her fearful eyes scanning the crowd and her mouth letting out whimpers. She raised her arms to push me away when I neared, and shifted anxiously.

"Bella, it's me, calm down, please," I said, trying to reason with her. I knew it probably wouldn't take any effect, but I found it had a calming effect on myself. Her eyes locked mistrustfully on me, and she breathed heavily.

"Don't you hurt me, I know what you did, I saw you, I can see the bite marks on your hand, don't you think I don't know," she rambled on, clearly delusional. I was at a loss on how to approach this, I hadn't had any training in this kind of situation.

I picked up my phone and called Carlisle, he picked up and hadn't even time to introduce himself before I spoke urgently and instructed him speedily to come to the biology faculty.

"What's the matter?" he asked, I could hear him walking out of his office while he spoke.

"It's Bella, she's having some kind of psychotic episode," I said quickly, then hung up and focused back on her. She'd slid down on the ground now, back on the brick wall and hugging her knees tightly. She was muttering something all the while. When I tried to get closer to her, she flinched away and began mumbling louder.

"I know I will be next, won't I? You don't want me to be able to live either, do you?" She cried accusingly at me and I didn't even know what to respond, she was obviously not talking to me.

I watched her incredulously, not able to understand this sudden change in her, I had no clue as to why she would have a psychotic episode out of the blue. She had expressed her love towards this class on several occasions, and there hadn't been a fuss in the crowd until they had exited the auditorium. This really seemed as if out of the blue.

"What's going on here?" I heard the dubious voice come from the doors to our left and recognized it as Professor Stanley's. She'd managed my biological psychology class years earlier, I had been quite fond of her down to business attitude. "Mr Cullen?" She asked skeptically and then glanced back at Bella.

"Carlisle is on the way," I said dismissively, not wanting Bella's condition on display for the entire college personnel.

"Miss Swan here was fine minutes ago, I just spoke with her," she explained, not taking her wide eyes off of the rambling person in front of us.

"There wasn't anything out of the ordinary that happened?" I asked her sharply, her eyes fell instantly. Carlisle rounded the corner the same second and I turned to him. He was wearing his laboratory coat and got his medicine bag with him.

He didn't hesitate like I had, but walked straight over to Bella and hunched over next to her. "Bella? It's Dr. Cullen, can you focus on me?"

She paused and turned towards him. "Where's mom?" her voice quivered, sounding like she was a little girl. It was a heartbreaking sound. Carlisle's eyes searched her face indicatively.

"Can you tell me where you are, Bella?" he asked her, slowly opening his brown leather bag. I knew he kept his sedatives in it.

"She's gonna leave me again, isn't she? You have to tell me, I don't want to be alone," her eyes were wide, fastened pleadingly on Carlisle's.

"It's going to be ok, Bella," he said reassuringly, while letting his right arm slip into his bag and fumble around in it, searching for the tranquilizer. Her eyes flew towards some fixed point in the apparently empty air then, and her features twisted into an expression so gruesome I felt the metal taste of blood in my mouth. I realized I was biting my tongue in shock, and felt it throb as I broke free of the darkness she showed.

She started crying suddenly, hulking, quaking and convulsing as if suffering from epilepsy, her hysteria breaking into screams. Carlisle drew the syringe and injected her with qualified precision the sedatives into her thigh. She didn't even notice, just slumped shivering to the ground, her cries progressively quieting.

"My god," Professor Stanley muttered and exchanged glances with Carlisle. "Carlisle, is she going to be ok?"

"Yes, she's going to be fine," he explained and slid his hands under her limp body beneath her knees and her back, lifting her up into the air. "Let's get her in the car, Edward," he said sternly, I didn't know if I could make myself move. "Edward," he repeated to make me concentrate. "Open your car," he directed and followed me carrying her now still body towards my vehicle.

I unlocked the car door to the back seat behind the drivers seat, and Carlisle eased her into it carefully, placing her across it.

"Want me to drive? You look a bit shaken," he asked simply, I nodded and handed him the keys.

We got into the car and I watched Bella's body rise and fall with each inhale and exhale through the front mirror.

"You know what we just witnessed?" Carlisle asked, taking a left towards downtown.

"I saw something similar when I was at St. James last fall," I said. Carlisle nodded silently.

"This came out of nowhere? Professor Stanley tell you anything?"

"Only that she'd talked to her minutes earlier and she was fine, I saw the scene take place after she exited the auditorium. Either something happened then to set it off, or it had to have come completely without a forewarn," I summed.

"Paranoid delusions like this psychotic episode probably was have many causes, nothing really related to her anxiety," he explained and his brows furrowed thoughtfully. "Do you know what she was going on about anyways?"

"She mentioned her mom at one point, but it was really mostly unintelligible rambling," I answered.

"Schizophrenic patients at St. James would have had similar episodes, I can imagine?" Carlisle asked and glanced quickly at me. I nodded slowly. "But you didn't have a personal relationship to them, I guess."

He said the last part in a way to make me keep myself from cringing. I sat completely still.

"I was going to discuss it with you later, how you took her home with you and let her stay there. I was told she's a part of your social circle?" He asked nonchalantly.

"She has become friends with Alice and Rosalie Hale, yes," I replied shortly, wondering where this conversation would end. Did he sense that I had feelings for her?

"And you do not consider your personal relationship with her as a professional interference?" He inquired suspiciously.

"I don't, we have discussed it, and she agrees. I actually view our friendship as an advantage," I dared add. Carlisle looked blatantly at me with a wary gaze. He held his tongue and let me explain. "She experiences an unusual confidence in me, which I believe helps me into coercing her to face her fears."

"I feel uncomfortable when meeting a patient in the grocery store," Carlisle began. I knew this, he had issues with the doctor/patient roles being crossed at all, which was probably where I had gotten the same attitude from. And why I constantly felt guilty around Bella because I kept crossing them. "You've invited her to your home and befriended her. I think we should at least take her to Alice's."

"That's just unnecessary, she's already settled in at my place," I began protesting. Carlisle cut me off with a sharp voice.

"That's part of the problem, I can't believe you think it ok to let her stay at your place at all, Edward," his anger was restrained, but I recognized it easily.

"If it's the personal relationship you are worried about, then have Alice come over and stay at my place. I can go stay with Jasper until we figure this out," I offered.

Carlisle sighed and rubbed his forehead with his hand.

"I don't know. I'm gonna stay as a medical supervisor until I'm certain she's going to be ok, have Alice come over for support. If I don't see Bella reacting negatively to your presence I guess you can stay as well."

"Okay, you just tell me what to do, then," I agreed.

"This is a messy situation, but I guess it's a good thing she has come to trust you. We'll see how to proceed when she wakes up," Carlisle said, ending the quarrel.

"Has she mentioned her friend, Jake?" I asked then.

"She hasn't," he said shortly and focused intently on the road. I carried on.

"She has been using him to hide behind all her life. What made her come to us in the first place was him misusing the trust she had in him, but when she cut us out again, she turned to him. And he is not a good influence on her, really, Alice has given me horrible reports on how she'd neglected her life and studies since she quit therapy. I was lucky to find her when I did, and I am hoping I can use what trust she has in me to…"

"Free her from him?" He asked in such a judging voice I nearly blushed.

"She needs to trust herself to do this, you know that," I defended myself.

"I understand your point. Has she been in contact with this Jake since you took her home with you?" He made it sound so dirty.

"I don't think so, I am trying to make her understand she can't run to him every time she is afraid," I sighed.

"As long as you don't want her to come running to you instead," he added darkly and I shifted uneasily.

"Of course not, I have a girl friend," I objected offended.

"I will talk to her when she wakes up, I have a few questions for her. If this is what I think it is, then we're lucky to have caught it like this," he said then.

"What do you mean?"

"Some central nervous systemic drugs have withdrawal symptoms which could explain this episode. Equally they can bring forth anxiety and panic attacks, had she had one of those, we'd discarded it as related to her problems. She might have been experimenting with drugs to hide from her anxiety," Carlisle said and parked the car.

"Drugs?" I repeated, knowing in my gut this fit all to well.

"Yes. But I am merely speculating. If this is the case though, she'll need to be kept under observation," he said and got out of the car.

I felt my rage towards Jake boil inside of me. That useless son of a bitch, he'd given her drugs when she'd come to him in need of help. Handing her poison when she was in need of a cure.

I don't think I've ever felt that level of fury, it filled me utterly. Had not Carlisle been present, I would have let it overcome me. But I controlled myself and let it linger silently inside of me.

I couldn't help but wonder what he had done to make her quit therapy. He'd probably sweet talked himself into her life and then venomously made her abandon the help we gave her to strengthen his position in her life. He knew all too well he was dependent of her weakness and darkness for her to come running to him for safety.

If we'd helped her, she would have no need for him.

So he probably calculated all this and made her fall even further. I fumed, letting my thoughts tear apart the despicable Jake, he was to me through and through evil. I wanted to kill him for taking advantage of her and trying to destroy her.

My guarding instincts towards Bella were towering inside of me, getting taller and taller as I considered how Jake had tried to fuck up her life. He would not get to her, he wouldn't. I wouldn't let him.

--

BPOV

I was awakened by the muffled sound of a discussion from the other side of the door. I realized I was in Edward's bedroom, but had no idea how I'd ended up there. Had I forgot going to bed?

"We can't just rummage through it, you'll have to ask," I heard a male voice say.

"Bah, this is ridiculous, haven't you seen this scenario on TV tons of times? They always lie!" An annoyed female voice whispered back disagreeing.

"Alice, let her sleep in," the male voice begged as footsteps got closer to the door, the knob turned and I awaited Alice's entrance.

She rushed in, not even bothering to be silent, and swiftly danced over to my bed and sat down next to me.

"Bella, you're up!" she stated slyly. Had I not been up already I most definitely would have been roused by her rioting entrance.

"I am feeling a bit hazy," I began, not quite grasping the situation. I could see it was dark outsides, either they hadn't let me sleep at all, or they woke me up in the middle of the night. This really was strange.

Edward entered the door frame and leaned towards it, his eyes on me. I reacted puzzled at his facial expression. Stern and humorless, and was that disappointment I saw twinkling in the green seas of his eyes as well?

He looked tired, hair messier then usual, dark rings beneath his eyes. He casually put his hands in his side pockets of his black jeans. I could hear sounds from the kitchen. Why were there so many people here?

"Is she up?" I heard a deep voice from the kitchen say. Edward's yes in reply was uttered in grimness. I began feeling like I had a nightmare, what the hell was going on?

I looked back at Alice, sitting next to me, scrutinizing me intently.

"Am I ok?" I asked confused and pulled myself upright in the bed, leaning my back towards the headboard. I felt ok, except the soreness from the drug still lingering menacing in my joints. I checked if all limbs were intact.

Dr. Cullen entered then, sneaking past Edward standing in the door. He smiled reassuringly and kept rubbing a plate with a kitchen towel. What was he doing here?

"Bella, nice to see you're up," he said friendly and stood by the end of the bed.

"What's going on?" I asked curiously.

"You don't remember what happened? After your class yesterday," Dr. Cullen said and kept rubbing the plate.

I went back in time in my head, cloudy and obscure memories entered my conscience. I sent Dr. Cullen a perplexed look.

"Ah, well. You had an episode after the lecture, Edward called on me, and I felt it necessary to sedate you to get you out of the psychosis," he went over to Alice and handed her the towel and plate, she got up and switched places with him, exiting the room.

"I don't understand," I began. An episode of psychosis?

"Well, we don't really either, Bella. You see, this is not directly related to your anxiety, but quite the uncommon reaction. I can't help but wonder if they aren't at least somewhat related after all?" he asked me. I didn't see where he was going.

"I don't know what you are saying, I don't remember anything being wrong," I said truthfully and struggled to get my head around the fuzzy memories of what had happened.

"Bella, what I am asking is if you have been doing any sort of drugs lately?" His voice was firm, but not carrying an ounce of critique. I drew back in surprise and began stammering. My eyes shot to Edward who blatantly displayed his disappointment now.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said instinctively. Edward sighed from the door. Dr. Cullen shifted.

"Alice tells me you have been acting out of the ordinary the last few weeks, and this episode you had yesterday can be explained by common withdrawal symptoms of some drugs, Bella," Dr. Cullen explained.

"This is ridiculous," I objected, gesturing with my hands. "Are you having some sort of intervention here? Isn't this a bit overstepping of ethical grounds, Dr. Cullen?" I knew he'd react to that, and he did clearly.

Edward stormed into the room then, furiously now.

"He's a doctor, Bella, you should thank him for helping you yesterday. You were a mess," he raged, I cringed slightly. "Are you honestly going to say you and Jake didn't do drugs these past weeks?" he said accusingly.

It broke my heart seeing him like this, frustrated and disappointed. Alice entered the room silently then.

"Bella, it's ok, we need to know if it was drugs that caused this," Dr. Cullen said then, raising a hand towards Edward to calm him down. Edward turned towards Alice and stepped out of the room. I closed my eyes and felt tears fall down my cheeks as I did. I owed it to him to be honest, to him and Dr. Cullen. And Alice. I caved.

"It felt so good," I sobbed. "I felt happy."

Alice's arms embraced me quickly and I leaned my head towards her chest while weeping.

"What did you take, and for how long?" Dr. Cullen asked then.

"Ecstasy. A few weeks," I admit through snivels. Dr. Cullen nodded understandingly.

Dr. Cullen got up from the bed and began walking towards the door. He paused as he reached it. "I'll stay close the next days while you recover, Bella. You should be fine, all though there's probably gonna be some discomfort. We'll help you through it," he explained.

"What kind of discomfort?" I managed to ask.

"Anxiety, paranoia and depression are quite common reactions

"It's going to be ok," Alice whispered into my hair and rocked me.

Edward's disappointing eyes haunted me all through what I was told was the weekend. I had woken up late Saturday, and alternated between sleeping, depression and paranoia the rest of the following night and into Sunday.

Dr. Cullen came and checked on me from time to time, saying it was normal to experience what I did and that my body was readjusting to the no-drug's lifestyle.

I never once left the room except for bathroom breaks and showering. I never once saw Edward, but Alice told me he was there. Just as well, I told myself, I didn't want him to see me like this. But I knew I didn't want him to shun me completely either. I felt so stupid for not telling him earlier, he right to feel betrayed by me keeping this a secret from him.

Alice fed me, held me and whispered softly at me when I was awake. She comforted me, saying Edward was only avoiding me not to disturb me. I saw she was lying, but it was ok, I understood that he was upset.

Slowly the internal emotional rollercoaster inside of me faded and by Monday afternoon I was exhausted, but felt like myself again.

Dr. Cullen came to see me then. He sat down on the bed next to me and smiled.

"You seem to have recovered back to normal," he stated friendly.

"Yes, thank you for being here, Dr. Cullen," I said.

"We've discussed how to take it from here," he began, and I knew he was talking about him and Edward. "You continue therapy with me, but we put the exercises with Edward on hold for awhile. I need to know you're mentally ready to handle the anxiety strain without…" he halted as he searched for the words.

"Self medicating?" I offered blushing, he smiled slightly.

"Are you ok with this arrangement? We will pick up on the exercises in time, and I am sure you will benefit greatly of them, but first the more pending matter," he eyed me sternly.

"Yes. You need to know I was already planning on stopping, I mean there was a reason I was suffering through withdrawal at the time," I began excusing myself.

"No need to explain, Isabella, you're through the worst part of it now," he said and added another friendly smile. "The thing about ecstasy, though, is that it will gradually ruin your ability to feel happiness if you abuse it," Dr. Cullen added. I gazed up at him, shock on my face. "Yes, it's true. It destroys brain areas that induce contentment."

"That's ironic," I muttered. "I could ruin my ability to feel happy by taking drugs to experience it?"

He nodded grimly.

"I'm leaving now, Edward says his offer for you to stay here until you wish to leave is still standing." He drew his breath and his eyes narrowed. "Due to this friendship between you two, I am going to keep my reports from our sessions from him from now on. He will be guiding you with the exercises when that time comes, and I can't see any harm in you having a friendship if he's not involved directly in the therapy."

I felt a sting in my chest. Dr. Cullen's voice made me crimson again, somehow I knew he suspected there was something more going on between Edward and I. Which there wasn't, so I felt retarded for blushing.

He got up and started towards the door. He stopped suddenly, as if remembering something. "I would recommend staying away from this Jake person, he does not seem a good influence to you, especially not while you're this vulnerable."

I nodded in agreement. I couldn't help but feel the crave for a quick high then, it would be swift happiness. I missed the exhilaration. Who could blame me for wanting to switch this soreness with cloud number nine? I wouldn't, though, I thought. I couldn't disappoint Edward again.

I was happy to have the pressure from exercises taken off for awhile, and that I could count on Dr. Cullen helping me to gather myself enough to endure it when I was ready again.

What I feared the most right now though, was seeing Edward's disappointment again.

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**Yay, Dr. Cullen disapproves of Jake!**

**Reviews and comments = you're my hero.  
**


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Thanks alot for the replies and comments, especially to those like Jaspersgal and Icefang who both keep replying faithfully. Here's another chapter for you, hope you enjoy :D

**Chapter 15**

Alice came with dinner shortly after Dr. Cullen had left. I had heard him bid Edward and Alice good bye, then when the door slammed I sat still to hear if anyone would come. And by anyone I meant Edward.

The soft knock that came from my door startled me, mostly because I was strung up by the idea of being confronted by Edward. Alice poked her spiky head in after a silent beat, and grinned expectantly.

"Will you eat with us today?" She stepped fully into the room, amazing me by her brilliant plum colored dress.

I wasn't about to make myself face Edward voluntarily. Too much time had passed now for it to be coincidental for him not to visit me, the pressure of it all was silencing; that he knew and I knew, even Alice knew. I wanted him to have to pull himself together and get over his pride and hurt, I stubbornly wanted him to want to overcome his pettiness simply because he needed to see me.

It was childish to not own up to what was my own collateral damage, it was I who inflicted this anger in him and I who should be on my knees in front of him begging for forgiveness.

But I was aware of my own need to see him; I felt vindicated by this, somehow. He didn't fucking want to see me at all, he intentionally kept his distance in anger. This reciprocally hurt my feelings.

"He knows I'm awake?" I asked Alice. She winced at my indications and nodded slowly. "Mind bringing me the dinner, then?" I said coolly.

I silently hoped he'd ask why I wasn't eating dinner with them, and then he'd have to eat his detachment and force himself to come visit me. I smirked smugly by this thought and decided to not give in, he would come.

My self-righteousness kept me smirking towards the door, sometimes feigning a look of surprise towards it, practicing for when he'd come through and be sorry for avoiding me.

He didn't come, and my superior attitude faded as humiliation took over. He wouldn't steep to come see me. I nearly cried when I realized this, slightly fueled by feeling stupid for acting this way.

I understood where my need for him to take a blow before entering my chambers came from. I knew all too well he was high and steady on moral high ground. He sat safely on his high horse, and rightly so; I had deceived him and begged for him to be available and trustworthy for my sake. He had spilled his feelings towards me, even though there was no reason other then my immature pleading. And I hadn't even bothered to mention I had been doing drugs.

I'd even let him feel guilty; let him believe his feelings for me was what kept me from reclaiming my mental stability, when I behind his back had impaired my own mending.

I knew so well I was all to blame for my own misery. When he'd tried to pull me out of my quicksand, I'd held his hand tightly and shouted for him to save me, but at the same time let my feet slip deeper into the bottomless darkness. And then I'd let him believe it was his fault that I'd submerged.

I knew all too well that I was to be held responsible.

My small-mindedness had let me keep a grudge towards him for not swallowing _his _pride, but when the afternoon turned to night, I knew it was me who had to swallow my pride and grovel.

After Alice revisited before leaving, I thanked her heartily for being with me and helping me. She said not to mention it, and hugged me tightly.

Following the sound of the door after Alice's departure, I got on my naked feet in the darkness of the room and dressed silently.

Edward was watching TV, the muffled sounds from some show escaped the little opening between the door and the floor. I paused before the door, a clammy hand resting on top the knob, and let my glance sink to the light seeping through the door once more.

I'd watched it for hours, seeing the shadows dance as someone passed it by, hoping he'd come. At this very moment, with decision tenaciously driving me, I was glad he'd not come. This was for me to do, not him.

This time I wore something more suitable then what I'd wore under my previous nightly attack of him. And I didn't barge in, screaming and condemningly. This time I came modestly and humbly, hardly making a sound as I advanced through the oh, so short hall from the bedroom towards the living room.

He didn't take notice of my presence at first, kept his attention towards the screen. He was watching some sort of sports, drinking a beer. The light was dim, mostly whatever brightness the living room held came from the TV or the hall I came from.

My shadowing the luminosity leaking from the hall was probably what gave me off. His eyes darted from the screen and to his beer, as to adjust his peripheral vision to me, but not quite looking.

My breath went shallowly as I awaited a reaction from him, I was at a loss on how to proceed. I felt so ridiculously small standing there, only short of a hat in hand.

His neck bent vaguely in my direction, beckoning for me to approach him fully. With wary steps I dared, soon positioned directly in front of him, between the television and the couch he sat on, made possible by the still missing coffee table.

"Edward, I," I began hoarsely.

"You're blocking my view," he said sharply and cut me off. I cringed by the hardness of his voice. He was really making me work for this.

I walked over to the couch and sat down, keeping a comfortable distance from him. I sat facing him, my feet Indian-style. He watched the game in silence.

In the dimness of the room his face had an ominous shade to it, the darkness contrasting the paleness of his skin morbidly. I admired his features contrasted by the light while waiting patiently for him to calm down. My sudden attendance had upset him, easily observable by the tense muscles in his arms, and his jaw line firmly set in a teeth lock.

I was perfectly content holding my horses for the time being, not to put it off, but to let him ease into it. His wrath probably increasing with every pace he'd taken in this claustrophobic apartment this entire weekend.

He took nearly a half an hour of composing himself, I kept checking the time on the TV as it went meticulously from 0022 to 0057, before he abruptly turned the TV off with the remote.

The room went completely dark after his deactivating movement, the light from the hallway dwindling where we sat, only barely covering the half of his face that was closest to it.

He turned his head fully then, finally, I stirred by his progress and stretched my stiff legs. Our eyes met briefly, my chest stung.

"I realize I shouldn't be this insulted," he began. I waved my hands dismissively and knew he'd misunderstood. He'd thought I'd waited for him to apologize.

"Don't," I stated firmly and he gazed at me questioningly. "I should be the one talking."

He hesitated then, wanted to say something, but held his tongue as he saw the fervor in my eyes.

"I should have told you everything. Had I not egoistically believed that this was a one way relationship I could drain for whatever mercy you had in store for me, I would have realized quicker that I would have to give as well. I know now I need to open up to you, you shouldn't ever again have to think you're responsible for my decent into darkness, when I am fucking jumping into it myself." I took a deep breath and exhaled. "I realize you need to know me as well."

He leaned forwards curiosity painting his face.

"I saw you and Tanya, the day after the ledge incident, I saw you two," I started, but recognized I was telling this all wrong. "I crushed madly on you from the embarrassing second I ran into you, I cannot explain it without sounding like a soap opera character, but I have from that time felt sparks flowing whenever you've graced me with your presence. Oh, I feel ridiculous revealing this to you," I said and was delighted beyond words by the darkness that covered my burning cheeks.

I heard him chuckle slightly, a pleased chuckle, amused even. He motioned me to go on.

"Actually, on a much less humiliating note, I think the emotions I instantly experienced towards you were a mix between romantic and an unexplainable, unlike anything I've ever known, confidence in you. I don't think I ever could expect the extent of… bond that the ledge experiment would animate," I felt like I was confusing him, I didn't even know if I was making sense. "I felt incredible close to you that day, on the ledge."

He nodded affirmatively, I exhaled in relief. It would have topped my humiliation if I'd been the only one having weird bonding.

"But do you agree that there was something there before the ledge day?" I dared ask, really making myself vulnerable.

"Yes," he agreed shortly, not taking the scene of confession away from me.

"I am trying my best to not come off as a complete stalker lunatic when saying this, but hopefully you'll understand that the connection I felt with you that dared me to trust you so completely, and the slight, semi-important, hardly even noticeable crush I carried paired up with this, pushed me off that ledge when I saw you with Tanya the following day," I admit, feeling my entire neck up region crimson. No matter how dark this living room was I could hardly hope for it to cover up what now had to be a bright glow from my face.

"I can imagine the kiss didn't help, either," Edward added darkly.

"I admit I secretly hoped there was a chance," I confessed. "But its ok now, I know you're with her and you want to be with her. I just wanted to explain what made me run to Jake and…" I let my voice tail off.

"I'm sorry," Edward said sadly.

"No, don't think it's your fault, please, don't. There's no-one to blame. I went to Jake's and I took the pills, and I was the one who continued taking them. Of course I knew I shouldn't have ended the therapy, but there was a risk you'd save me from the mess I'd got myself in. And I enjoyed it too much then to want to be saved," I clarified with a confident voice. "Not until the drugs hurt me I could be saved, and when they did, you were there."

Our eyes met then. I could see his guilt fade, that my simple explanation made it clear to him that what he had feared was not true. He had been my resurrection, not my eradicator.

"You need to know I am so fucking grateful for what you have done, you miraculously appeared and saved me when I needed it the most. Without you being present when I had the breakdowns, I can only imagine where I'd be right now. You are god sent to me, Edward, you really are," I said seriously and put my hand on his. "Thank you," I whispered.

He moved quickly, scooted closer to me and picked me up in one move, letting his strong body surround me in a tight and urgent embrace. I felt his chest heat against mine, I rested my chin between his head and his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his bare skin to mine.

"Thank you for telling me this," he whispered softly into my ear. Chills went through me by the feel of his breath on my neck, I couldn't help the shiver that involuntarily went through my body. I felt his Adam's apple move as he swallowed nervously. "I am sorry for avoiding you this weekend, but you fucking scared the hell out of me. I couldn't force myself to face you in that state, I am so sorry. I stood outsides the door listening to you and Alice talking, wanting to come casually through the door, but I was so scared of seeing you that way," he rambled wretchedly into my hair. "And I was angry that you kept it from me, I was, I had no right to be, but I was. I felt like you betrayed me by turning to Jake and taking what he offered over what I did, I was furious you'd trusted him and not me," his voice murmured sorrowfully.

He let go of me then, placing his hands on my shoulders, keeping me still to lock my gaze with his. "I am sorry, Bella," he repeated.

"I am sorry, as well, Edward," I replied and we exchanged soft smiles. His arms fell to his thighs and he sighed deeply.

"I think I should move back to my place tomorrow," I said then, his brows furrowing in response. "I can't linger here when I should be getting on my feet."

"Will you keep away from Jake?" he asked then. I masked a smile, I could get used to the sound of jealousy in his voice.

"Yes, I will. I should probably explain it all to him, but I don't think it would be wise to do that face to face. I could send a text, but that's pretty harsh," I mused.

"I could tell him," he grinned at the idea, I smiled dismissively.

"I could ask Rose to do it, if she's not busy crucifying me the next weeks."

"She can probably find time while in between the nailing," Edward added snickering.

"I should get to bed," I said, ending this nightly rendezvous. I got to my feet and kept my eyes from meeting his. I was sure he'd clearly spot how I wanted so badly to stay here with him forever, preferably caught in an embrace.

As I turned to walk away I suddenly felt his warm hand around mine. I flinched and startled turned to face him again. My hand was still in his, I didn't want him to release it one second, I wanted him to pull me towards him roughly. I felt tingles run up and down my spine just thinking of it.

His face showed conflict, as if he'd reached for my hand in a moment of weakness and now sat with reality in his lap. I could see he wanted to pull me down to him on the couch, I saw it clearly then, I felt his fingers shiver in their clutch. He fucking wanted to give in. I craved for him to abruptly yank me towards him, to kiss me and pull me down next to him on the couch.

I took my hand and pulled it towards me, bringing the earth shaking moment to an end. He let his hand fall at my movement. There was a hollowness between us, an unsaid conversation. We both understood, we hungered for it, but it was not right.

He sighed when I freed myself from his grasp and I walked away.

--

Facing Rose was close to the horrors I'd imagined. She yelled disapprovingly at me from the moment I walked through the door. I sat down and took it all bravely, let her shout at me for as long as she needed.

When she was all screamed out, she rushed over to me and then hugged me while exclaiming how scared she'd been, and how happy she was that I finally was getting on the right track.

Alice had told her everything, which I had agreed to her doing. Having them know about my need for therapy wasn't as I had imagined, I had feared they would shun me, but I could see they were only supportive and happy I got the help I needed.

Rosalie was especially glad when I asked her if she could go to Jake's and explain that I could not see him anymore. She was thrilled, saying she couldn't pass on an opportunity to hurt the bastard who'd made me take drugs. She said it like he'd force fed me, which was far from the truth, but I let her ramble on without interruptions.

I didn't even pay much attention after some time, her wild digressions about what ways she would like to inflict pain to Jake taking over. A few minutes later, while I was unpacking Alice's clothes into my closet, I reacted to the sound of Emmett's name.

"You should come with!" She sounded over the top by the apparent decision I'd agreed to with my silence.

"What now?" I asked from the closet.

"Dinner with Emmett, Chinese place, in two hours?" She summed up and threw in clapping towards the end.

I agreed solely due to my guilt towards her for treating her badly. I bet she knew, and she didn't mind one bit.

Dinner with Emmett was great. He was a friendly giant, booming laughter and as amiable as Rose was. I took a liking to him instantly.

The next weeks I spent a lot of time being socially cushioned by Alice and Rose, being surrounded by offers of activities to keep me away from drugs and darkness. It was of great help. We went to movies, we had picnics, sleepovers and ate lunch together every single day. They even refrained from throwing parties on my behalf, keeping me safely away from drugs in any shape.

I saw Dr. Cullen once a week, Wednesdays to follow the old drill, and he made an effort to map my mental health while covertly trying to sneak peaks into my past. He kept banging his head against the wall on the latter deal.

Professor Stanley let me hand in my paper after it was due, I never really got to know why she showed me such a sudden kindness, but I took it greedily with no questions asked. She praised my following work in the same way as she had the first time.

I hardly even saw Edward. A few times I bumped into him on campus, in study halls, sometimes he was even present at picnics or movies. We never shared a moment like those in the past. We could at times exchange glances, I could feel tingles and sparks, but otherwise we kept our distance. I don't even think we had a single conversation not shared with others.

He stayed happily with Tanya, and I stayed away from drugs. It was as we'd planned it.

Then, mid November, when I was feeling tons better, perhaps even better then I could ever remember having felt, Alice and Rose decided to throw a party to ease me into the student lifestyle again.

Dr. Cullen had agreed that I could appear at parties again, that he was positive I wouldn't fall back into the drug trench again. According to him the ecstasy was only an unfortunate slip, nothing I was predisposed to and therefore would not lapse into again. He'd urged me to keep from drinking yet, especially bingeing, and Alice had been assigned watch duty on my consuming. I protested, saying I didn't even plan on having any alcohol at all, but she wouldn't hear it. She loved taking care of me.

Alice, Rose and I ate dinner and got ready together at Alice and Jasper's place first, then headed over to Emmett's place. His family was insanely rich, having bought a huge house for him just so he could experience the freedom of college life to the fullest. I was green with envy.

The party had already started when we got there, as per usual; fashionably late – but Rose's hair shined like sun. She confidently disappeared into the crowd the second she'd hung her scarlet coat on the hanger, her body hardly even covered by the brown fabric she claimed was a dress.

Jasper, who was already there, greeted us as Alice and I entered the living room. He handed his girlfriend a glass of white wine and kissed her cheek lovingly. "Do you want something, Bella?" He asked friendly.

I shook my head and pulled out my coke from my purse. "I'm all set," I said grinning. Alice smiled proudly and fished out a matching bottle from her purse.

"This is all I'm having today as well," she claimed in solidarity. Jasper returned dutifully to the kitchen and brought us two empty glasses for our beverage. Alice tipped her toes to kiss him.

"I'm gonna go own the inferiors to my greatness in Wii bowling," Jasper excused himself and exited up the stairs to the second floor. I was sure I could hear Emmett's victorious laughter coming from above us.

"That's my Jasper," Alice said, sipping of her coke, "winner of imaginary bowling."

I spotted her then, Tanya. I hadn't seen her since the day outsides the library, and surely never seen her up close. She was more magnificent then I could ever have imagined, I blatantly marveled at her beauty as she assertively streamed towards us.

"Alice," she greeted perfectly and hugged her. She wore a ridiculously well fitting white tube dress, complimenting her flawless exterior. Her blonde hair was silken, her blue eyes danced vigorously, her tan skin sparkled. I felt as if Jasper had just beaten me in Wii bowling. Inferior.

"This is Bella, Rose's roomie," Alice introduced me and I felt like I should feel honored to even shake hands with Tanya. She spoke her name with a bright smile.

I wanted to die standing next to this picture perfect girlfriend of Edward. What had seemed an ok outfit until she appeared, now might as well have been a brown paper bag – preferably over my head. I felt so mediocre next to her, there no wonder she'd captured his heart – hell, I was dazzled by her myself.

"How nice to finally meet you, you seem to be quite the center of attention," she mused intriguingly.

"Really?" I blurted and blushed by my exited reply. Had Edward talked about me to her? What could he possibly have said?

"Yes, Alice and Rose are so fond of you," she beamed while raking through her glowing hair. My eyes fell in embarrassment.

"They are great," I managed to mutter.

"Have you seen Edward?" She asked it suddenly, directed towards Alice who shook her head. "He managed to slip away some time ago, I've been blending into the wallpaper ever since," she giggled. I sent her a poorly masked scorn, as if she could blend in with anything.

"He's probably up playing Wii," Alice suggested then. Tanya nodded thoughtfully.

"I'll go check. Nice to meet you, Bella," she smiled and left.

"She doesn't know I stayed at his place?" I asked Alice carefully as we watched her leave. Alice looked up at me pensively.

"She doesn't seem to know you know each other, no," she remarked finally, after staring intently at me for the longest seconds. "Should he have told her? It was more of a business call for him, I am not even sure he could have told her if he wanted to," she said dryly.

"I guess," I said wistfully.

We kept our positions for the next hour, talking about the growing anxiety caused by impending exams. Rose joined us with Emmett on her arm later on. We all made a pact to start Monday morning with the exam-directed studying, and keep it up until mid December.

"Have you met my friend Eric?" Emmett said suddenly, reaching his brute arm into the crowd next to us and pulling out a startled boy. "Eric, meet Bella," he introduced us grinningly.

I saw Alice and Rose exchange smirks, and it dawned on me they had set up this from the beginning.

"Hi, Bella," Eric said and shook my hand politely. He'd recovered quickly from the abrupt introduction, I was still gathering myself.

He was easy on the eye, I'd give him that. His brown thick hair shaped itself perfectly around his handsome face, his wide smile framed by two cute dimples. But his brown eyes were no match for the green pair I wished I was looking into.

"Well, I should find Jasper," Alice said and excused herself quickly. Rose and Emmett faded away into the background after her. I shot daggers with my eyes at them when they deliberately turned and cheered silently behind Eric's back.

"So, Bella, what's your major?" Eric began conversation, and I found myself indulging myself in his male company.

He was a few years older then me, 24, and when not working out or hanging with friends he studied ancient history. I enjoyed the talk we had, finding myself more at ease then I would have guessed. When Alice secretly checked in on me from time to time, her eyes asking if I needed a save, I found myself annoyed by her interruptions.

It had been a long time since I'd shared an uncomplicated conversation with a single and attractive guy. My thoughts frequently went to Edward, and I surreptitiously compared him to him in the beginning. Then as our chat went on, I began seeing him as his own person. He was an interesting being, had funny remarks and views of the world that puzzled and opened my mind.

We were in the middle of a discussion about feminism and equal rights when I saw Edward descend slowly down the stairs from the second floor. He wore a black t-shirt and dark jeans, his face poised in contemplation. I refocused on Eric quickly, regaining control over my mind, restraining it from letting Edward cloud it.

Eric beat me quickly after I had lost my concentration, cornering me simply. I gave in reluctantly.

"Are you planning on attending the Christmas ball?" Eric asked suddenly. I had let my eyes wander the room hunting for a glimpse of Edward, but this question brought my attention to Eric quickly.

"Ball?" I repeated confused.

"There's a Christmas ball to celebrate the end of exams Friday 20th," Eric explained swiftly. I awaited the dreaded question I knew was in the imminent future. But it never came, Eric held his tongue and I dared to glance back up at him.

His attention was fixed in the direction of the vestibule. I wrinkled my forehead in confusion and turned around facing it. I could see the dancing crowd turned the same way, trying to catch a peek of whatever was going on.

I got up on my feet to see the situation better, I clearly hear shouting and banging noises now. Even though I was wearing Rosalie's staggering heels I couldn't make out anything from where I was standing in the back, so I began moving through the crowd to get a better view.

Meanwhile pushing my way through, people sliding to the side as I emerged, I was as in a trance – as if I already knew what was going on. I probably had picked out Edward's voice in the racket without consciously being aware of it, but what I ended up facing as I submerged into the entrance hall took me completely by surprise.

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**Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it seemed fitting. Next chapter will be on its way shortly ;)**

**Reviews and comments are accepted happily!  
**


	16. Chapter 16

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Thanks for the nice comments and reviews. Some of you probably guessed what the ruckus was all about. I won't keep you any longer, here's the next chapter. Enjoy :)

--

**Chapter 16**

As I emerged through the final row of people watching the commotion in front of them, my feet refused to move any further. I stood like spellbound, staring mesmerized at the situation in front of me.

The furniture were all over the place, a vase broken into thousand pieces by the coat hanger, the blue carpet in a pile, all the pictures from the walls had fallen to the ground.

Two figures, one bigger and darker then the other, were ferociously pushing and shoving the other, soon ending in a violent embrace. The larger man got in a blow, the victim of his strike fell to the ground, receiving a furious kick in his stomach before he was even completely on the floor. My hand went to my mouth instantly, I gasped in shock as I recognized Jake by his dark, long hair and his olive colored skin now sitting on top of what resembled Edward.

Jake drew his right arm back while pushing a squirming Edward down with his left and forcefully landed a closed fist in his face. Blood splattered and left macabre stains on the white walls behind them.

"Jake!" I yelled appalled, horror-struck by his punch. Jake flinched by my voice, turning his head towards me instantly, loosening his grip on Edward at the same time. Edward didn't need more then a second, quickly striking Jake vigorously back. Jake fell backwards into the wall behind him, Edward staggering to his feet after being freed off his weight on him.

I began stepping guardedly towards them now, Jake slumped towards the wall in sitting position, Edward leaning on his thighs breathing heavily, blood dripping from his nose to the ground.

The crowd had gone completely silent, I heard nothing but Edward's forced gasps and Jake's moaning.

A shape suddenly came running past me, headed for Edward. High strung from the tensed atmosphere, I cringed away quickly, only to see Emmett pass me by.

"Edward, are you ok?" He asked, eyeing Jake suspiciously, then turning back to Edward.

"I'm fine," he replied and rose up fully again. His face was a mess, injured from the pounding.

I saw a sudden movement in my side view, there was no time to warn them, as Jake got to his feet and slung himself towards them brutally. He pulled Edward with him after tackling him with his body weight, and managed to get a choking grip around his neck. Emmett was quickly in place, tossing Jake brutally off Edward, who began coughing immediately after being liberated from the suffocating grip.

Emmett held Jake towards the wall easily. Though hard to imagine, he was leagues larger then his opponent. Jake fought back unsuccessfully a few times, before he calmed down. Emmett kept his grip on him, I could see how all his visible muscles were maximally tensed as he kept Jake imprisoned between his hands.

I felt I could finally approach the atrocious-looking Edward now that Emmett had stepped in, Jasper joining me in my advance. Jasper helped him to his feet, I watched in horror as Edward wobbled slightly, then even though it was obvious he had to gather all his strengths to do it, he raised his neck and looked directly at me.

His right eyelid was swollen, blood streamed from his nose and a cut on his upper lip. I winced by the sight, impulsively letting my hand touch his cheek tenderly. He closed his eyes by the feel of my fingertips.

"Edward!" I heard a female voice shout from behind me, reminding me we had an audience. I had completely forgotten there was anyone else in the entire world for a second. My hand fell limply to my side, letting Tanya slide in between us. I watched as Jasper helped Edward through the crowd, Tanya holding his hand and crying out of worry.

I wallowed in my jealousy seeing them disappear behind the people still watching Jake and Emmett behind me. I bit my teeth together in bitterness, my hand balling up into a fist in misery. I wanted to be the one holding his hand, whisper words of intimacy and care into his ear, wipe the blood affectionately away from his wounds.

As they disappeared completely behind the masses of people, probably headed for the bathroom, I realized Alice was staring at me from the front row. Her eyebrows were knit together in a knowing frown. I quickly broke our eye contact, turning myself and my attention to Jake.

Emmett was still pressing him against the wall as I approached. Jake's eyes flew towards me, his movements directed towards me halted by Emmett's complete control.

"Bella," he whimpered sadly, reminding me of Josh and Cooper. His face was hardly as miserable a sight as Edward's, but what stroke me as apparently different were his extremely dilated pupils.

Caught by surprise and repulsion my hand seemed to raise all on its own, striking across Jake's cheek, further damaging his already injured lip and causing a thick run of blood to drip down his chin.

Emmett's lips rose in contentment, they even widened when Jake's features twisted pitifully into misery.

"You come here fucking high and attack my friends? Are you out of your fucking mind?" My voice broke into a shriek. I heard muffled sounds from the crowd behind me.

"Bella," Jake repeated desperately, his breath catching in throat as he struggled to release Emmett's grip of him.

I heard sirens closing up in the distance. It felt just like a movie, just as unreal. I couldn't take my eyes off Jake, if I did I would have to react to this situation, and I couldn't. Not in front of all these people, not with Jake watching me and hoping for any sign of weakness, not with Alice's skeptical eyes on me.

Rosalie's voice sounded in my ear then, I felt the soft weight of her warm palm on my shoulder and she took me by her hand, leading me gently towards the coat hanger. I let myself be guided completely, I gave Rosalie control and overtaken by shock my mind had a life of its own. I focused on one thing and one thing only, I was unsure if it was because I couldn't think of anything else or if I wouldn't, but Edward's mutilated face locked in my thoughts.

If I began straying towards comprehending what had happened, I arrested myself and kept my mind on one single thought. Edward's face.

The rest of the evening, if I later recalled what happened after Rosalie had dressed me in my coat and brought me home, I could only remember Edward. Alice told me the next day that Jake had been taken away by the police, Edward had got immediate medical attention from Jasper before visiting the hospital. He was in a poor condition, his nose and three ribs broken. She informed me that he was at his place recovering.

I sat on my bed, wearing slack pants and a hooded sweater, staring tormented at the wallpaper. Alice had been there for an hour by now, updating me and commenting on the fight together with Rosalie.

"How did Jake even know where to find you?" Alice mused and slid her index finger across the bottles of nail polish Rose had lined up in her cabinet. She stopped as it reached a burgundy color, grasping it victoriously.

"I don't know," Rosalie replied thoughtfully. "But then again, Emmett doesn't really keep quiet about his parties. Maybe he knew I was dating him and that where I was, she'd be," she waved her hand towards me as she stated her proposal.

"I didn't know what the hell happened until it was over," Alice sounded disappointed to have missed the brawl. I wished I had.

"Well, Emmett told me Edward had caught the sight of Jake entering when he came down the stairs after playing Wii. Lucky coincidence if I ever did see one. Had he not recognized him that quickly, he'd probably been able to reach Bella without any confrontation," Rose said, as if it was fortunate that Edward got beaten up. "He'd tried to make him leave peacefully at first, of course, you know Edward," Rose continued.

"He was probably too high to know what he was doing," I offered carefully. I regret the slight defense of Jake instantly, now facing the disapproving and disgusted faces of Alice and Rose.

"He's a madman, Bella. You can't believe that he was in any way coming to the party, on drugs, to seek a peaceful reconciliation with you?" Rose spat angrily.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Oh, get a grip," she fumed.

"I know he's retarded, Rose. I just don't think he's the devil reborn; he probably had some sort of honest intentions at some point. We've been friends forever, I was in on the drug thing voluntarily; all he knew was that I was happy when with him - and suddenly you guys turn me around and make me blame him? Of course he is furious with you and frustrated for losing me as his friend," I retorted hastily.

Alice and Rose sat taken aback in silence.

"I'm not saying it was a bad thing you turned me and saved me, but I'm saying he might not see it like that. I can understand where it is coming from," I assured them, receiving two exhales.

"There's no excuse for crashing a party like that, though. I mean, did you see Edward after? Had I known how violently Jake cared for you, I would have been more careful telling him to stay the fuck away from you," Rose shivered as she spoke.

Alice had been observing me silently while paining her fingernails, letting Rose ramble on passionately. Her forehead wrinkled ever so slightly by the mention of Jake's brutal lengths to reach me.

"I am more surprised by the beating Edward took to keep him away," Alice remarked nonchalantly, but I heard the callousness in it. Somehow I instantaneously knew she had become aware of the feelings Edward and I had for each other.

I shifted nervously on the bed.

"Oh, well, Emmett was quite the sexy guardian himself," Rosalie giggled, completely unaware of the undertones in Alice's voice.

"Did you catch the whole fight?" I asked Alice then, mainly to keep her from sending me wary glances.

"I caught the highlights," she replied mysteriously, leaning offhandedly back in Rose's bed.

"Oh, my god! I completely forgot!" Rose shrieked suddenly. "How did the chat with Eric go?" She moved excitedly towards me. Even Alice's face brightened on that notion. I blushed appropriately.

"Do tell," Alice said snickering.

"He was really interesting," I began, finding the words to describe him slowly. "Funny, smart and interesting," I closed and watched Rosalie as she got to her feet to fucking jump and clap at the same time. I cringed by the spectacle.

"In other words, he's perfect," Alice commented slyly.

"What's this Christmas ball, though?" I remembered suddenly. Rose's eyes widened and her jumping came to an end in shock. Even Alice made an obvious display of surprise.

"Isabella Swan, did he ask you to the Christmas ball?!" Rose screamed overjoyed, exhilaration driving her to throw herself over me while all giggles.

"Well," I grimaced. "I think he might have, if the whole fight thing hadn't interfered," I dared to suggest.

"Darn it," Rose pouted. "Well, no worries, I'll make the arrangements for a second chance," she grinned evilly.

"Who would have thought we'd all have dates for the ball?" Alice asked happily.

"Who would have thought we'd all be sober for it?" Rose sulked.

"You don't have to stay sober on my account," I objected.

"I'm kidding, I actually enjoyed being sober last night. I kept my excellent Wii skills and kicked Jasper's ass in bowling," Rose grinned triumphantly. Alice was stunned.

"He didn't tell me! This is marvelous, no more talk of how he is the best! Rose, you're my hero!" Alice chimed. We shared a collective laugh.

There was a change in conversation from the morbid theme of last night's fight to the more cheerful how-to-get-Eric-to-ask-Bella-to-the-ball theme. I sat absentmindedly as they droned on with crazy tactics, timing smiles and cheers for when the situation demanded it.

I felt absurdly guilty for the whole ordeal, knowing Jake would be miles away had I not been present. I knew Edward wouldn't have been maimed and disfigured beyond recognition if he'd not shown up high on drugs and with intents to see me.

I felt a sting in my chest thinking how I shouldn't have been that hard on Jake, shutting him out completely of my life, and even sending Rose to deliver the message. I couldn't help but blame myself for Edward being hurt.

And now he lay injured at home, Tanya probably nursing him the way only a Greek goddess knew how.

It struck me then, I didn't even know where Jake was. Was he in jail? Was he home all alone, taking drugs to make the pain and darkness disappear?

Could I live with myself if something happened to him after this? I already felt responsible for him coming to the party last night. I knew he didn't have an Edward like I had when I crashed and burned.

I got up abruptly, Rosalie stopping her chatter as I did. "Bella? Don't you think it's a good plan?" She asked confused.

"No, it's great, I just remembered I have to uh, go to the library, there are some books I need," I explained quickly.

"It's Sunday," I heard Alice's acidic voice remark as I slammed the door behind me.

I pulled up my phone and saw I had 12 unread messages. I cursed loudly, turning heads as I passed students in the hallway on my way out.

Eleven of them were from Jake; some had no obvious meaning, just random words in them obviously written while not sober, but one of them made me halt my stride.

"Forgive me, Bella. I need you, I'm nothing without you, I love you," I read. My fingers went numb, a chill went through my body when I saw the time it had been sent off. 21:14, yesterday. An hour or so before he showed up at Emmett's.

Had I replied to this, would he have stayed home? Did he take the drugs because I didn't reply?

I pressed Jake's number speedily and pressed send. It rang for a long time, no answer. I cursed again, walking in the direction of his dorm, redialing whenever reaching his voice mail.

There was no answer all the way to his room. I hung up as I reached his familiar door, shuddering as I recalled the last time I had been here, then much more fetal positioned then what I was now.

I knocked his door, absolutely unprepared for it to lead to the unlocking sound I heard occur. I stepped back a step, uncertain of what to expect.

A long time had passed since I'd stood face to face with Billy Black. I could easily gaze into his sad eyes now, no need for tip toeing like I once had. It had probably been six years since I came to the reservation the last time. His face was drained, his wrinkles heavily folding his features. I wondered if he used to look this old, or if it had been because of the shock of his son in jail.

"Bella," he sighed, not moving an inch to invite me in. Actually, he was rather barricading the door with his stance.

"Billy," I greeted. "Jake?" I asked simply, ambiguous on how to proceed.

"He's inside, taking a shower as we speak," he said. "I had to bail him out last night," he added heartbreakingly.

"I know," I replied muttering.

"What has been going on here, Bella? I though you two took care of each other? But he's a mess and you seem fine," he said accusingly, a growing fury in his eyes rising.

Realizing he was pointing the finger at me, it being in desperation or not, I felt my throat close in desolation. I gasped for air, pushing back the grief to the extent I could manage. I was not going to fall apart in front of Billy, not when he was looking for someone to blame, I had not the strength to take it lying down.

I grasped the door frame in a frantic motion to keep myself upright, hoping I made it come off as a normal shift in stance.

"Jake has been doing drugs," I started, trying to explain everything to Billy. He blew me off with an angry snort.

"I know that, Bella, they found cocaine on him and in him," he sneered at me. "I asked him why he didn't ask you for help, he didn't even want to call you."

"Billy, a lot has happened…" I began explaining vindictively, but was cut off by a paternal snarl.

"You turn your back on him when he is in need? He's been at your side in an instant, every whine whimpered from your lips, he came running and supported you," Billy yelled. "Your self-centered little girl."

His anger took the wind out of me, I stood flabbergasted in the hallway, unable to speak. I let him ventilate on me. All the while I knew I should just walk away, I should take this, this was not right. But I soldiered on, stood erect and let him run me over with every ounce of fatherly wrath he had in him.

He stepped closer to me and now raised his finger to not only point metaphorically at me.

"I let you sit in our house, where you cradled your egotistical self into Jake and drawing off his strength every chance you got. I saw it from the beginning, you leeching off of him every single time you were reminded of your mother, I should have known you'd be to self centered to ever repay that support to Jake when he needed it the most," Billy shouted at me, hovering over me in fury. "I fucking understand why she didn't want to have you around," he said, landing the final blow.

I writhed in agony by his words, cutting in me like a knife sliding through my guts. I gasped visibly now, tears wetting my cheeks burning in shame.

"I'm taking Jake back home. I don't want you to ever come leech off of him like a vampire again," Billy spat and slammed the door.

I stood crying in the hallway, brimming of embarrassment and disgrace, feeling smaller then I had for a very long time. I pulled myself together slightly, just enough to leave the dorm without collapsing, and headed towards the western gardens.

I walked as if in a stupor, mumbling unintelligible syllables to keep myself from thinking, my body shut down and numb – just like the previous night. And like then, I thought of Edward. I wanted him with me now, I needed him with me now. But he was home, with Tanya, injured.

The time had come, I realized, when darkness was over me and Edward was not there to save me from it. He wouldn't sweep in and rescue me now, he would lay still in his bed, sore from the beatings and not even know what misery I experienced.

The grass wasn't wet this time, I laid down and let myself be overcome by sorrow, hulking. I sobbed for a long time, I took in every word Billy had said, every shred of guilt it had brought with it, and cried myself out.

When I was done, my head swooned from the exertion, but this time the numbness I felt wasn't due to sheltering myself from the hurtful words. I had let them penetrate my defenses, and I had survived. I had surfaced without Edward's help. My heart beat hopefully, could I really do this?

I sighed in relief and laid in utter peace in the soft grass, finally finding some release from my darkness.

My phone vibrated in my pocket unexpectedly. I moved my hand to pull it out and unflipped it to see the display. It read "1 new message". I opened it and read it quickly; dad never got the hang of texting, so he kept it short. "I am coming to visit next week, call you then, dad."

I figured Billy had called him. At least he wasn't mad, if he was mad he would have taken the time to call me. If Billy had accused me of something along the lines of what he had shouted at me earlier, dad would probably be on his way to execute him right now. But this short, seemingly calm message gave no hint of that. Billy must have managed to awaken his inner diplomat.

Abruptly I remembered I had one more text from earlier. I exited dad's message and went to the inbox. I saw Edward's name on the older one. Sparks flew up and down my spine, I nearly dropped my phone in shock. I let the marking of the text saying 'Edward' linger, and saw the time of received flash on the screen. Today, at two in the morning.

I opened it excitedly, waiting impatiently as the phone took it's time to show it.

It was short, but brilliant. "I wish you were here."

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**Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. What you think about Charlie stepping into the scenary? **

**Reviews and comments are gladly accepted! :D  
**


	17. Chapter 17

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Thank you so much for the favorites, comments and reviews! You guys rock! Enjoy!

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**Chapter 17**

I kept walking aimlessly around campus grounds on my cloud number nine, Edward's text message claiming every single shred of my attention. Even though I tried I couldn't seem to be capable of wiping off my wide satisfactory grin. He'd written nothing but those five amazing words. I wish you were here. I repeated it over and over again in my head.

I wished I was there as well. When making wishes, I threw in one concerning Tanya's mysterious evaporation for good measure. One can never be too careful.

Should I reply? I pondered. The timing of the text was a bit of an enigmatic detail. I knew through what he himself had indulged me with that chances were at the point of production he had been in a weakened state of mind. Perhaps the pummeling had made his brain swell in just the right places, perhaps he'd just lost his mind.

I ended my contemplation telling myself strictly to abstain from replying. Just as I had to yank my hand out of his grip a few days earlier, I had to put down my food now as well. Just as he would have to withstand me when I threw myself at him, I would have to gather all my strengths to resist temptation when he had a weak moment.

I wish he had them more often, I thought wickedly.

Twilight eased itself into domination on the sky. I knew I was about ten minutes walking distance of my dorm by now, thankfully. I'd have to remember to bring daily meal rations if my walking ever took a turn towards the directionless again.

Suddenly Jake stood a few feet in front of me. I had no idea how that enormous shape had managed to evade me. I poised myself, and especially did not grant myself the lenience to demonstrate any form of compassion for what might as well be self-inflicted wounds. I was glad to see he was relatively ok, but fury bubbled inside of me as well.

His stance symbolized amity, relaxing me from preparing to spring if he showed any signs of aggression. His eyes bore the resemblance of coolness, I was surprised by how composed his face was. I'd expect him to be hauling towards the toilet and have his body quaver in withdrawal pain in between the rounds of vomit.

"I escaped from Billy's iron grip for a second," he smiled sadly while saying it. His hand went nervously through his black hair, raking it through its full length. "I don't know where to start, Bella."

"How can you be so unaffected?" I questioned baffled. He shot a confused eyebrow at me. "By the drugs," I pressed.

"Oh, right. Well, should have seen me earlier today." His facial expression contorted in pain. "I only have a few minutes. Dad went to bring the truck closer, makes it easier to load it up with my stuff." Jake tilted his head to his side and put his hands into his pockets idly. "I heard you came to visit. I'm sorry he went all behemoth-style on you, he slammed the door before I could get dressed and interrupt his misplaced anger."

"I can't help but to think he was right. To some extent, at least," I admitted. Jake moved a step towards me, I could see he was ready to rush forwards and embrace me. I brought his rescue to a close with a prompt gesture of my hand.

He looked at me desperately, wincing even, by my distancing signal. "Can you ever forgive me, Bella? I know there is no reason for you to do that, but I am going to get myself together and I am hope I once again can be there for you when you need me again," he begged now. "Please, just say there's a chance."

"There is no chance for things going back to what they were, Jake," I denied pointedly. Jake's face fell, his eyes watered up and he began shivering slightly, attempting to keep his body from trembling visibly.

"Bella," he moaned in agony.

I drew my breath. "I can't ask of you to take care of me anymore, my feelings are no longer your concern, Jake," I said determined. "You need to take care of yourself. I hope that you one day return, and when you do I will be patched up nicely as well, and we can share a mutually beneficial relationship, not a mutually destructive one."

Jake's face lighted up as he absorbed my words and assimilated the meaning. "Are you saying there's a possibility…?"

"If you're not opposed to it, I would like to maintain our friendship when we're a bit more mentally stable. We have history many are not blessed with, throwing it away would be ridiculous," I offered.

"I agree, Bella. Two messed up people only make a bigger mess, I can see that now. You need someone who can help you," he sent me a half smile, "like that guy who protected you so chivalrously yesterday." He pointed towards his black eye.

"Edward? He is just a friend," I discarded, ever so slightly poignantly. Jake grinned in response. "He really is, he has a girlfriend and everything." I dismissed again and realized to my annoyance that my cheeks were crimsoning.

"He fought like a man in love, for sure," Jake teased. "It was a fair fight at that, at least," he added sadly.

"Jake?" I replied astounded, he nodded acknowledging my question. "I didn't know you harbored such emotions for me," I stared stunned at him.

"I should have told you at some point, but I got so used to the comfortable relationship we had, I didn't want to ruin it by proclaiming my love for you," he smirked by the thought of it. "There's no chance for you and I? Not even in the distant future, when we're both all shiny and renewed?"

I shook my head rejecting the notion. "You are like a brother to me, Jake."

"Ah, drat," he said overly carefree. I saw his eyes sadden.

"I am sorry, Jake. But if it makes you feel any better, I don't plan on relying on someone else to help me mend. I plan on putting myself together, overcoming this on my own seems to be the cure. There's safety knowing you have got on your feet on your own when you face the unknown."

Jake nodded thoughtfully. "I think you might be right, Bells." His face twisted in wretchedness suddenly, and he looked apologetic at me. "I have to cut this short, I have to get back and hurl, I think," he said hurriedly.

"Ok, Jake. Don't forget me when you're all patched up."

Jake sent me a typical Jake grin, wide and with no sign of nausea interfering. He rushed over to me, grabbed me and lifted me into his arms urgently. Embracing him like this felt amazing. I closed my eyes and wanted to cry realizing what I was giving up, even if it was only for some time.

"I wish you could stay," I whispered.

"Me too," he replied tenderly. He flinched suddenly, putting me down and putting his palm over his black eye. "Ah, pain. You accidentally graced it, fuck."

"Oh, sorry," I said grimacing.

"It's ok. I bet the other guy feels even worse," he pointed out and smirked evilly. "He doesn't have to stand trial for drug possession, though."

"Serves you well," I said overtaken by an indignant moment.

"Hey, there, Bells, on your high horse," Jake objected.

"I know, I know, I am the last person to judge someone because of their drug possession," I admitted.

"Well, I really have to go before I repeat your extravagant number from our first night here," Jake teased. "Don't think I didn't see you throw up on that Edward guy."

I cringed. "Well, if you do I won't repeat your assault number," I retorted. It was Jake's time to cringe in shame. I made a dismissive hand gesture. "Don't worry about it," I smiled.

"Good bye, Bella. I love you," Jake said in a hoarse voice.

"Good bye, Jake. I love you, too," I replied.

Jake turned and rushed rather roughly in the direction of his dorm, holding a hand over his stomach. I watched him leave. It was as if I had set fire to my own safety blanket.

I sighed. I concluded that you'll never feel ready to plunge into uncertain territory, I just had to plunge. And I was plunging, all right. Also, I had the nicely self-mediated save from darkness freshly in mind acting like cheers from the crowd around the arena that was my life.

I gathered myself and began marching homewards. Reaching the dorm Rose and Alice was still sitting at the same places they had before I left, even gracing me with their same critical stares as I entered.

"Welcome back," Rose remarked chilly.

"Sorry for the dramatic exit, I had something that came up," I explained vaguely. Alice frowned.

"Really?" her voice was venomous.

"Don't freak, but I went to see Jake and…" I began innocently, misled by my naivety thinking they'd let me finish my sentence in good faith.

"Bella!" Alice shouted derogatorily and slapped her fists into the soft mattress in agitation.

"How could you?" Rose condemned.

"Before you start passing the cup of judgment around, please hear me out?" I begged, bothered by them jumping to conclusions.

"If you were upset by yesterday's shit you should have told us, we were right here, not go crawling back to that maggot and have him 'help' you," Rose scowled, making air quotes to understate her opinion of Jake.

"It's not like that," I objected, starting to tire from the accusations.

"You were doing so well, Bella," Alice proclaimed sadly.

"I didn't fucking go to get high, I went to see if he was alive. And he was, and he has left for home now," I shouted to get a word in.

"Oh." Rose mouthed and made a face by her erroneous notions.

"Oh, well, that's good, then," Alice acknowledged shamefully.

I was still worked up by them prosecuting me and stormed into the bathroom to have a breather. I heard them exchange whispering comments to each other through the door.

Deciding cold water meeting my face would be solution to clear my head, I tapped water into the sink and washed myself refreshingly. When I returned to the room they sat watching me disparaged on Rose's bed.

"We're sorry, Bella," Alice pressed.

"It's ok, you're only afraid I'll slip up, I know," I said.

"But it really is good he's gone. Now that you don't have access to a dealer anymore you stand a much better chance of getting through this," Rose remarked sarcastically. I chuckled in response.

"You're right," I agreed. "He looked horrible, though. And I figure he was the one who won the fight," I said as my face contorted just thinking about how bad Edward had to look.

"I spoke to him earlier," Alice shot in. "He's bruised and battered, says it hurts when he breathes and swallows, but otherwise fine."

"I guess his airways got the worst of the fight," Rose pointed out.

"Yeah, but he says he has been fed pain medication and been woozy for awhile now." Alice informed and smiled. "He hardly made sense over the phone."

So he'd been drugged up and all intoxicated when he'd sent me the message, I puzzled together silently. I was disappointed finding out, it took away any hope that he'd actually meant it in a strong moment – that it wasn't just a slip in a moment of feebleness. His reaching out to me was equivalent to a failure on his part.

Alice must have observed my unconcealed chagrin and spoke with a voice as to cheer me up. "But he said to tell you that he would recover shortly and hoped you were ok after the incident."

"He lies unable to take in a proper lungful of air, and he asks me if I am ok?" I asked.

"It was quite a sight," Rose offered. "I myself needed several kisses from Emmett to regain equilibrium after," she giggled brazenly.

I sent her a resentful look without thinking, quickly stopping my blatant display of jealousy towards her. My eyes shot fearfully to Alice after, and as I rightly dreaded, she was staring directly at me. Luckily Rose was busy throwing her head back while laughing scandalously.

Alice callously cocked an eyebrow at me, not even bothering to cover up her emerging suspicion.

"He said he'd love to have us over on sick call tomorrow evening," Alice continued. Rose nodded eagerly in agreement.

"You should do that, bring pizza and beer… er, coke," she corrected in my honor.

"You're not coming?" Alice wondered.

"I have a date with Emmett, but I can tell you we're all gonna be nurses tomorrow night," she grinned.

"Too much information," Alice remarked dryly. I was taken aback by her thoughtless sharing of her sex life, and desperately began searching for a change of topic.

"So, uh, dinner at his place after spending the entire day studying for exams seems like a fine plan," I agreed offhandedly, my stomach making back flips in pure excitement by the thought of it.

"All right, I got a class until six o'clock; I'll pick you up at the library after?" Alice proposed friendly.

I had to see him; perhaps I even got to tend some to his injuries. Being in a position where I could take care of Edward intrigued me greatly. If Tanya would only resign and pass it on to me, I'd be perfectly content.

I badly wanted an excuse to show my feelings for him, especially now that I knew he was in pain. I couldn't stand to think of Edward being hurt. All though, I thought wryly, he was probably enjoying the redeeming medication more then anything else right now.

The thought of the whole potential strained situation that could arise if I began pouring my affection on to Edward in front of his girlfriend made me grimace. This entire secret feelings ordeal was tiresome; these past months had given me a new understanding on why Romeo bought into so easily that Juliet had just offed herself in the end.

I found it easy to escape into the world of biology the next day. I took notes laboriously and even declined Rose's perpetual nagging to take coffee breaks every twenty minutes. She would lean over the desk and tap the end of her pencil on my book, drawing my attention and then send me imploring looks with her eyes and miming drinking coffee. I would shake my head disapproving and point to her opened books on the desk, getting a sulking pout in response.

She frequently flipped her phone open and giggled silently when reading the messages I could safely guess from her reaction were from Emmett. He was really making her lose her focus. I was sure she'd get straight A's by a landslide anyway, if not my world would collapse by the realization of her actually possessing shortcomings.

After quite some time of stillness on Rose's part, my reading flow was interrupted by a balled up piece of paper. Rose looked hopeful at me while I opened it slowly.

"How about some lunch? Four hours until you'll eat again." She'd written, referring to the pizza sick call at six.

I nodded slowly, taking her up on her offer, grabbed my coat and followed her outsides.

"Ah, freedom, I can finally speak again," Rose breathed a sigh of relief while walking down the marble stairs. I followed her clumsily, making sure I wouldn't slip on the icy steps. I had enough of bad memories from this place.

"Where to?" I asked as we reached the bottom. Rose's eyes twinkled cunningly.

"How about some pasta at the Italian place?" She suggested. There was something in her voice making me distrustful.

"Ok, I guess," I agreed mistrusting, but followed her willingly to Bella Napoli.

Rose strutted easily across the icy ground on her heels with astounding grace, her black Gucci coat swaying elegantly to her movements. I nearly fell twice, and I wore my sneakers.

As we got there the waiter approached us. He couldn't keep his eyes off Rosalie, who paid him little attention in return. "Table for two?" He inquired, sending a charming smile towards Rose.

"No, we're meeting someone here," Rose said absentmindedly while scanning the restaurant.

"We are?" I asked incredulous, Rose ignoring my stutters.

"Ah, there, I see them," she informed and strolled towards the end of the room. I followed her perplexedly, soon tilting my head to the right to see past her and establish our goal and realizing why she'd kept it a secret.

My eyes narrowed by the surprise attack. Emmett and Eric sat by a table, waving friendly at us as we came closer.

"You sly witch," I whispered under my breath at Rose. She reached the table and beamed a bright smile at me as she sat down. She sat across Emmett, and the only chair available was the one across Eric and next to her.

"Nice of you to take time off from your studying to meet us," Emmett said gallantly. I grumbled.

"Oh, yes, wouldn't miss it for the world," Rose chirped and opened her menu.

I picked up my menu to hide from Eric's stares behind it, frantically trying to mask my surprise and bafflement. He didn't have to figure out I was mentally challenged the second time I met him.

"You should try Hawaii Pizza," Emmett proposed lovingly to Rose. "I know how much you love your pineapples." Rose smiled hypnotized back at him.

I rolled my eyes involuntarily at them, getting a low chuckle from Eric in response. I blushed by my behavior and grimaced at him.

"It's nice to see you again, Bella, we got interrupted too early Saturday," Eric began, nicely interrupting the eye-sex the couple next to us performed.

"Quite the interruption, as well," Emmett laughed. "My cleaner wasn't thrilled when she had to come Sunday morning and scrub the blood out of my hallway."

He had a cleaner. Rose and I didn't even have a kitchen, let alone paid help.

"Hope it wasn't a pricey vase," I remarked, just making conversation.

"Mom didn't place it there because of its sentimental value, but it's all right, I got live action in return for it," Emmett chuckled happily. I bet he would have appreciated the warmth coming off his burning house as well. These silver lining people were fascinating.

"At least Jake has gone home now," Rose added with a grin.

"He has? No rematch for Cullen, then?" Emmett said.

"I guess not," I replied weakly. The thought of a rematch made my insides turn. I had convinced myself that Saturday was an unfortunate incident, but from now on there was a spectacle free future ahead. There had to be, I couldn't take much more drama now.

The waiter took our orders, receiving a glare from Emmett when unable to hide his enticement for Rose. He quickly withdrew his stare before retreating cowed into the kitchen.

The lunch date went by in chit-chat, superficial remarks about anything not too serious a theme, Emmett's frequent laughter emancipating through out the hour we sat there. Eric was as great as I remembered him. We even developed small private jokes shared on behalf of Rose and Emmett's love show.

After finishing our meal and exiting, Rose and Emmett fell behind and let Eric and I lead the way to the library.

"So, I was hoping to pick up from where I was interrupted," Eric began boldly. "I was planning on asking you to the Christmas ball."

I walked on casually, contemplating what to reply. I would like to go, and I didn't mind terribly much being asked by a great guy like Eric. But there was someone else I wished I could have saved myself for.

I knew the impossibility of it, I knew so well how it would go if I turned Eric down. He would ask someone else and forget I ever existed, Edward would ask Tanya and I would end up either alone by the punch bowl sending jealous glances across the dance floor – or I'd fatten up on ice cream alone at the dorm.

This really was a great opportunity for me. I liked Eric, I could try and move on and keep from being pathetic over Edward.

"I'd love to," I replied cheerily, erasing Eric's frown that had become increasingly visible with my silence.

"Great!" He exclaimed and I heard Rose's low shout of approval from behind us. "Do you think there's time for a date before this as well? I know you must be busy with the exam's coming up, but it would be nice to.."

"Sure," I agreed quickly.

"I have a lot of stuff on my plate as well, but I think I'm free next Wednesday evening?" He said.

"I can do that," I nodded. I could see the library coming into view, I exhaled in relief to get this tortuous planning over with.

"Okay, I can call you Wednesday afternoon to plan it closer," he offered and I nodded. We paused as we reached the marble stairs, exchanging insecure gazes. I coughed awkwardly.

"Well, see you then. Bye." I turned abruptly and hurried up the stairs. I didn't know what had made me exit the situation in such haste, but I knew there was something making me terribly uncomfortable.

Rose came sprinting after me, all smiles. "I knew it would only take some tactical arrangements," she said and nudged me enthusiastically. I snorted.

During the following hours I seemed unable to regain my focus. Rose on the other hand kept noting meticulously and not wavering once from her books. I squinted furiously at her, cursing her timing of introducing distracting elements into my life.

When Alice finally called I rushed out from the library not even one sentence's progression since before lunch break. Alice had parked her flashy yellow Porsche right around the corner. I couldn't help but notice that I was somehow surrounded by incredible wealthy people.

"Hey, thank god you came early," I said as I got in.

"Boring at the library?" Alice questioned as she pulled out of the lot.

"After Rosalie's coup, I imagine I also can give you credit for that," I paused as I saw Alice smirk widely, "well, after the devious scheming, I couldn't quite concentrate."

"Eric makes you all woozy?" Alice giggled, I grunted at her suggestion.

Five minutes later we stood in front of Edward's front door. I took a deep breath and leaned forwards to ring his bell, when Alice scooted me over and fished a key out of her pocket. She unlocked the door, and as I stepped into the hallway I felt the familiar smell of Edward's apartment engulf me. It felt like coming home.

"Hey, we're here," Alice shouted while hanging her coat. I took my time undoing my buttons on my coat so that Alice entered his living room before I did. As I walked down the hallway I could hear a husky voice mumble something, then Alice replied in her usual chiming voice.

I turned the corner and smiled uncomfortably at the cousins. Edward was lying across the couch, a blanket covering his lower body, while Alice sat by his feet at the end closest to where I stood.

"Hey," I greeted and took in Edward's face. He looked worse then I'd imagined. Both his eyes were blackened, green, yellow and red blending around the darkest areas. His lip was swollen, red and had a few visible stitches. I must have gasped unknowingly because Edward chuckled lightly.

His hand went up to his ribs and he cringed in pain after laughing. "Do I look that horrendous?"

"Uh, no, you don't look that bad," I lied and tried to compose myself.

"You should tell your face that," Edward said, half smiling by my blush. I fretted in embarrassment and walked ineptly over to the other couch. "I wish I could say 'you should see the other guy', but I think he looks way better then what I do."

"He does," I replied instinctively, not consciously aware of my blunder until I met Alice's wide eyes.

"Uh. I'm gonna go order pizza," she excused herself awkwardly and disappeared into the kitchen. Edward sat perfectly still, only making superficial breaths.

"You went to see Jake?" he asked with his teeth gnashing.

"I did," I admit and got up hurriedly to take Alice's spot in his couch. I sat down and looked at him demandingly. "Please don't get upset before I've had a chance to explain," I compelled him intently. He nodded slowly.

"I had to check on him, he had sent me all these crazy text messages," I halted slightly as I recalled the text message from Edward, and blushed furiously. "I had to check if he was even alive."

"Did you go alone?" He asked sharply. My following wince answered his question. I damned my transparent self. "Not your brightest idea," he said, surprisingly calm. I had braced myself for fury and condemning, but his face was tranquil.

"You're on pain medication aren't you?" I asked dryly. He nodded calmly, smiling slightly. "Neat."

"How was he?" Edward questioned.

"He was sorry, and his dad was there – he's left for home now." I summed up. "His dad went on a frenzy when he saw me, blaming me for abandoning Jake when he needed my support," I began.

"Did you tell him why you turned your back on him?" Edward spat. I shook my head. "Bella. It's not your fault that…"

"I know, I know. That's not the point. He rambled on about hurtful things that brought forth my darkness. He has never really liked me that much, I bet he had this arsenal of accusations stored up. He knew what buttons to push," I muttered sadly. "But then, I got over it all on my own. I did, and I feel really invigorated by the whole scene. I knew I couldn't call you because of your condition and Jake was out of the question, and even though all my safe places were unreachable, I beat it. It went away and I felt so powerful after," I said exhilarated. Edward smiled widely now.

"That's great, Bella, I am really happy for you," he congratulated.

Alice appeared as if on cue and announced that the pizzas were on their way. She went over to the couch I had sat down in at first. "Has Carlisle come to see you?" Alice asked, grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels.

"Yeah, but he's mostly terrified it will affect my exams," Edward replied with a smirk. Alice chuckled by the mention of Carlisle's priorities.

"As long as he's in dancing shape before the Christmas ball I'm happy," Tanya said, appearing from the bathroom. "Hi, everyone," she greeted with a smile. "Coke, anyone?"

"Sure," Alice said and Tanya vanished into the kitchen. "We should have a pre-party to the ball, and an after-party. I am so happy we all got dates for it," Alice continued in high spirits.

Edward's eyes were on mine immediately.

"Really?" He shifted nervously in his seat, trying to make it come off as if he was suddenly sitting in an uncomfortable position.

"Yes, Eric Yorkie asked Bella today, so now we're all paired up," Alice giggled. "Oh, score, Oprah!" She exclaimed and stopped the channel surfing.

"You know Eric?" Edward asked me enigmatically.

"I met him Saturday, at the party," I explained restlessly. Edward kept his tantalizing emerald eyes locked at mine while I spoke.

"Must have hit it off quite well then, seeing he's already asked to bring you to the ball," he said with feigned interest, before continuing with a much more darker voice, "and gotten a yes."

"Well, it's nice to have someone to go with. I'd feel awkward going there with you guys and your girlfriends," I replied sourly, putting pressure especially to the last word.

Tanya returned at the same time, beverage in hand. The conversation stayed at the topic of the ball, but revolved fully around what Tanya and Alice planned to wear. Edward kept silent at first, but soon enough he joined in, mocking Alice by retelling what outfits she'd worn all through high school.

The doorbell rang shortly after, Alice jumping to the opportunity to escape further ridicule, and Tanya left for the kitchen to fetch plates. Edward and I were left alone.

I could feel his eyes on me, but I said nothing and kept my attention to Oprah on TV. "Did I you get my text?" He asked suddenly, his voice low and strained. I froze.

I turned my head carefully towards him, doing everything to keep myself from widely display my shock. I hadn't expected him to bring it up, I didn't even expect him to remember it. "Yes?" I said warily, dying to hear his response.

"Just checking," he replied casually and turned his head towards the TV. Alice entered dancing with the boxes of pizza in her hands, gracefully putting them down on the brand new coffee table.

"Dig in!" She cheered, oblivious to what had just happened.

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**Hope you liked it, next chapter will be all about the christmas ball!**

**Reviews and comments are happily accepted, dont be afraid to leave one!  
**


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Thank you so much for your great comments and reviews, you guys truly make my day!

Had to cut this christmas ball thingy in two, got a bit too carried away. Hope you enjoy the buildup and pre-party though. Please feel more then free to comment and review if you have some suggestions for the second part in the end, I have the general overview ready, but haven't written it yet.

Anyways. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 18**

Time disappeared, suddenly I found myself exiting after completing my final exam. I'd had four all together, and I had been able to perform reasonably all around. I could finally let out an exhale of deep relaxation, I felt like I had been keeping my breath for months. I didn't have to eat and breathe curriculum anymore, I could allow my mind to float to trivial and mundane subjects without experiencing a pang of guilt.

With exhilaration filling me I stepped across the snow-covered lawn separating Eric and I. He greeted me with a wave of his hand. He lent towards his car casually, a thick jacket on, scarf around his neck and gloves covering his fingers. His cheeks were pink from the cold.

"Hey, how'd it go?" He asked and hugged me as I reached him.

"Oh, I don't know. I can say for sure I won't fail, but that's as far as I will go in self-evaluation," I said and shrugged.

"I'm sure you did well," he smiled and tugged my nit cap further down to cover my ears completely. I grinned at his cute gesture.

"So, where do we celebrate?" Eric asked, putting his hands into his pockets.

"I say you decide, my brain is fried from being overloaded, I'd rather just not think at the moment," I explained, he nodded sympathy.

"How about a revisit to Bella Napoli?"

His eyes gleamed by the idea of returning to where we'd first been together. After that November day we'd met on several occasions. We had our first real date the following Wednesday, I'd been dolled up by Rose and Alice for hours before they gave me permission to meet him. He'd waited paitonately for me. The date went flawlessly, he even kissed me goodnight and called me the next day.

There were no time for more real dates until after my exams, really. He had to study just as much as I did, but he frequently popped by the library spontaneously with black coffee. Rose would clap silent in approval whenever he did.

Sometimes he'd even stayed and sat next to me, reading his history books intently. I would find myself glancing at him when he wasn't aware of being watched, letting my eyes trace his features while my mind would ponder his presence. Did I like it? Did I want him to be the guy who brought me coffee and sat next to me like this?

I knew without a trace of doubt, at least in the beginning, that I would trade his companion for Edward's in a second. But soon my guilty conscience faded as I didn't experience the desire to trade him as strongly anymore. I genuinely began liking Eric for being Eric. I began missing him. I began feeling sparks when I saw him coming through the library doors, carrying a bright smile and a hot coffee cup.

This of course scared me. I was terrified; my feelings towards Edward had been so powerful I had never imagined them being close to equaled by anything. I was utterly confused by the emotional development I went through. I had trusted my bond to Edward as one of a kind, strong and special, one of a kind. Was it possible it was only a crush, something I might as well share with someone else – in Eric?

I didn't see Edward at all. Alice slipped updates casually into conversation a few times. I knew he was studying, working next to Dr. Cullen, recovering nicely and not at all planning on leaving Tanya. The distance between us increased my confusion and gave space for my feelings for Eric. I couldn't deny it anymore, I felt something for him now.

In the beginning I had closed myself off. I didn't want him to hug me, let alone kiss me. I felt as if I was betraying Edward, that if I permit him entrance into my life I would have to give up Edward – and I was not willing to do that. Every step Eric took towards me, and I towards him, I felt was one away from Edward. My glorious Edward.

Slowly my resistance was broken down, without his attendance Edward's memory faded slightly. And I realized my feelings for Eric were not built on my reliance in him, as with Jake and Edward. I felt stronger by this independence, and I found myself daring to fight my every day anxiety. When I felt anxiety soar inside of me, I faced it head on, and didn't even experience a panic attack. Dr. Cullen was immensely proud of my improvement, and praised my guts.

I couldn't convolute my hesitation to congratulate myself fully. The situations where I defied my anxiety were minor. I would feel my adrenaline rush when passing though a dark alley, but I would continue on and reappear victorious on the other side. This, I would never have been able to do six months earlier, I would have spun around and ran away the second I had felt uneasy.

I still avoided dogs, I wouldn't go hiking any time soon and when the real darkness came I would lay down and sob like before. But when I did, I was alone, and I waited for it to subside – which it did.

Dr. Cullen still kept vast approvals for me whenever I confided in my newfound courage. He said I was truly ready for the real confrontations I would have to be subjected to. He would dig as deep as he could, alternating his angles and tactics when desperately attempting to uncover my secrets. I worked hard not to, but I let slip a few blunders; I cringed when I saw how excited he got realizing he'd unearthed another detail.

I had no intentions of letting him ravage my mind like that, I was utterly certain I would lose my sanity if I ever let that defense down. I was not consciously aware of the details myself, I would only know that neither I not anyone else would tread close. I snapped and shut him down whenever he did near it in therapy sessions. He would lean excitedly forwards in his chair, trying to mask his frustration, desperately attempting to hide that he knew he was on track.

There was no doubt in my mind, no-one would ever be granted access to those dark places in me. Especially not me, I would not resurface if I had to relive it.

Eric knew nothing of this, nothing of my therapy or my brief phase of drug experimenting. He knew me as innocent and sweet Bella, I grew quite fond of my new ordinary role.

Charlie did come visit as he had promised. We both grasped the nature of the trip; he was checking in on me, partly because Billy probably had painted a dark picture of my college life, and partly because he felt that was what a dad was supposed to do in a situation like this. When I had come to live with him I was already a mature child, he had practically only performed damage control ever since I came to stay in Forks realizing I had been brought up completely by my mom. There was nothing for him to influence, I was a grown up person by then, with all my darkness and fear.

Sometimes I thought my life would have taken a turn for the worse had I not known Jake. He was my sun, my light and kept me safe all through what could have been my downfall.

Charlie had come knowing he would not be able to stop me from whatever I was doing, he was trying to get an overview of the situation and he was trying to do the right thing. He was skeptical at first, eyeing me closely, focusing on my pupils an uncomfortable amount of the time. He'd fished information from Alice, I walked in on him questioning her about our party-habits when I had left in good faith to pick up pizza.

Alice didn't bring up the conversation they'd had with him again, but I caught the remnants of pity in her eyes after that. I shuddered to think of what he had told her in exchange of our party routines. Due to Charlie's mood positively improving following his chat with Alice I expected it to have been rather harmless. There would be no reason for her to spill her guts to him about what was now in the past.

Dad left the same evening as he had come, he waved me goodbye from the car.

I watched Eric as he considered his meal options at Bella Napoli. "Pizza or pasta?" I asked.

"I am not sure, I might just go for a pepperoni pizza. How about you?"

"Want to share? I am not really hungry, still a bit high on sugar from my chocolate ration during exam," I grimaced and put my menu down. He nodded in agreement and ordered when the waiter approached.

"Are you set for the Christmas ball wardrobe wise?" He asked curiously. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

"Are you crazy? Rose and Alice have a four day shopping marathon planned, we start tomorrow and don't finish until the day before the event," I explained and threw in an eye roll. "Four days of hell after a month in purgatory," I added darkly and sighed.

"I bet it will be nice to participate in brain dead activities, though," Eric suggested kindly.

"You're probably right, I just wish it could be a different kind of endeavor, like an epic ice cream evening," I mused disappointed. Eric reached over the table and cupped my chin gently.

"You're so sweet, Bella," he pronounced tenderly, I blushed furiously by his obviously lovingly gesture. Displaying emotions publicly wasn't a picnic for me still. He retreated his arm as the waiter appeared with the pizza.

The next day I woke at dawn by the sound of the alarm. I opened my eyes in confusion, convinced I had overslept for my exam. I threw myself hurriedly out of bed and rushed towards the bathroom in a daze. Just as I was to turn the knob I realized what day it was, and froze instantly.

Rose yawned deeply and blinked a few times before she looked at me. "What?" she asked innocently.

"You never once this past month got up this early for studying, but you set your clock at dawn for shopping?" I remarked angrily. Rose smiled sheepishly and got out of bed.

"I prioritize. This is life or death situation," she said, a tad too serious for me to stop questioning her sanity. She passed me gracefully and went into the bathroom. I let out a resigned moan and fell to my bed drowsily.

Rose didn't even have time to enter her shower before I heard two resolute rasps on our door. My forehead creased as I pulled myself upright. As I opened the door I stood face to face with Alice. Her unbelieveable perfect façade fractured when she caught the sight of me.

"You look like you died, got revived and then died again," she commented sadly. "Are you not ready for our marathon?" She asked as if it was unfathomable for someone not to view this as the event of a lifetime. I was happy to let her down.

"No, sorry," I replied dryly and went back into the room. I saw her eyes scrutinizing my bed hair, frizzy and all over the place.

"Do you plan on…" she began carefully, and somewhat rudely.

"Yes, I am going to freshen up. Hopefully I will be presentable to your standards and ready for shopping as soon as I can hop into the shower," I said, cutting her off sharply. She exhaled, pleased.

I was even ready to go before Rose was, despite her head start. Alice demanded we stopped by a diner to get some energy first, then we drove downtown and began our quest for our ball gowns.

We would have to continue our pursuit for the entire four days, all three of us finding our perfect dress on the final day, in the final store.

"I knew we should have gone here the first day," I said exhausted as we all stood facing each other in our choice of dress. Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"That would have ruined the whole thing!" She exclaimed, heaving her arms into the air. Alice giggled by our dispute.

"Oh, shush, look how gorgeous we all look!" She pointed out and we turned towards the full length mirrors. I couldn't disagree, we looked stunning. I didn't even come off as uselessly uncomparable to Rose and Alice at the time.

My dress was emerald green silken evening dress, strapless and with a heart shaped bodice leading to a narrow gathered waist. With my dark brown hair falling down my shoulders and my pale and slender complexion, the girl in the mirror looked like how I envisioned Snow-White would look at a ball. Rose walked over to me and plucked at something on the back of my dress. Her cream white dress came off as customized for her amazing body, the mermaid shaped tight bottom emphasizing her curves.

"It's wonderful on you, Bella, but it's quite pricey. Sure you can afford it?" She asked. "I wouldn't mind helping you some just so I can see you wear this tomorrow."

I wrinkled my nose offended. "That's ok, I have the money," I snapped.

"Are you sure? Not to be rude or anything, but you don't really come off as wealthy," Rose pressed shamelessly, Alice hissed.

"Rose, you're being impolite," Alice defended me and sent a disapproving look her way. Alice clasped the skirt of her cherry red dress in an angry pose, it had a sequined waistline in gold following her spaghetti strapped bodice and leading to a wide chiffon bottom reaching to her ankles.

"I'm just asking. Where do you get your money from anyways? You don't have a job, and your father is a police officer…" Rose asked brazenly, bluntly ignoring Alice's discouraging comments. I was taken aback by her forward manners and hesitated before replying.

"Not that it is any of your business," I stated pointedly before continuing, "but when my mother died I inherited money."

Usually when I mentioned my mother people would cringe in shame and apologize for mentioning it, Rose did no such thing. She nodded thoughtfully instead. "That explains it. How did she die though, you have never told me," she continued frankly, not seeming to bother with straying away from her directness. Rose wasn't really one for behavior after social etiquette, and I did admire her for that trait.

Alice gestured wildly now, a bit more prone to act according to protocol. "Rose!" She shouted angrily. "She probably hasn't told us for a reason!" Her face changed as she turned to me and spoke in a soft, understanding voice, her eyes gleaming of the same pity I had seen after she spoke to Charlie. "You don't have to tell us if you do not want to, Bella," she assured me.

I snorted by this whole incident. "She died of cancer," I stated brusquely. Rose nodded again and said sorry. Alice, on the other hand, immobilized her wild gestural attack towards Rose and wrinkled her forehead by my comment.

"Cancer?" She asked incredulously. I nodded insisting, not catching on to where her reluctant accept to the fact came from. "Oh," she mouthed.

"I just hope I can dance in this thing," Rose said suddenly, changing the topic deliberately. I thanked her silently for her charitable gesture, but felt cold when I assessed her words.

"There's no formal dancing, right?" I asked warily. Alice sent me a dubious glance. "I don't know how," I grimaced.

"I'll teach you some basic steps," Alice offered kindly. "I forget you didn't have to attend charity balls all through your childhood like we have," she said, biting her lip and features contorting by the recollection of her previous events.

There was a silent moment before Rose sighed and marched into her changing room. "I'll see you in a bit, then."

When we got back to our dorm, Alice tried to teach me some simple steps so I wouldn't make a fool out of myself the next day. She even showed up the following morning forcing me to get up and twirl around on what little space we had available. "It's imperative you learn this, you need to be able to dance like a princess!" She claimed in the beginning, optimism glowing. As the morning drew on and became midday, she ended on a more pessimistic notion, "at least you won't trip and fall over your own feet."

"I have three left feet," I acquit myself resolutely, she shook her head in remorse.

The tediousness was far from coming to an end. After the dance lessons we gathered our clothes and accessories and went to Alice's place. Jasper made us dinner while we crammed into the bathroom and got ready. I envied him openly when he smiled leniently and said, "I'm just gonna throw on the suit five minutes before people get here." I didn't even feel a shred of sympathy for him having to prep for the pre-party on his own after that.

Rose drew forth a curling iron and stacks of hairpins. Alice lined up her makeup and creams. They took a deep sigh and giggled expectantly before digging in.

I took a step back and grimaced at their enthusiasm, fiddling with my dress and shoes instead. I had decided on black t-strapped heels, I still wore my usual silver tear shaped necklace I had from my mom and a pair of sparkling silver earrings.

Rose snorted at me when I surrendered after accessorizing. "If you won't put on makeup yourself, I will do it for you," she said warningly. I shrugged. She smiled a sly smile, grabbed a bottle of something and promptly cornered me before attacking my face with products.

Half an hour later, I wore what felt like layers on layers with grease paint, my wavy hair treated with some pins to make it glamorous. I didn't even have time to glance in the mirror, I grabbed the little window of escape that arose when Alice's shoe lost a rhinestone, slipping out between the shrieks.

I went to help Jasper in the kitchen, he had already thrown on a black suit with a red shirt and black tie; he matched Alice's dress. "Need any help?"

He looked up from the bowl of chips at the sound of my voice, his movements halted for a second as his eyes took me in. "Wow, Bella, you look incredible!" He exclaimed. I shifted ill at ease by the attention and my mouth twisted.

"Alice and Rose have magic hands," I muttered.

He smirked. "Bet it helps that you have a pretty face as well," he offered kindly. "Want to do dip?" He continued smiling.

"Sure, thanks," I muttered and got to it quickly, hoping he would stop insisting on my looks. The doorbell rang, he disappeared to let the guests in. Emmett strolled into the room in his pricey tux shortly after, greeting me politely and commented on my looks as well before rummaging the chips and dip I had in front of me on the counter.

"Eric said to tell you he would be half an hour late, apparently you suck at checking your mobile inbox for updates," Emmett chuckled between chewing. I nodded silently. "Rose killed anything yet? She goes a bit overboard with enthusiasm and engagement when confronted with things like this," he asked smirking.

"She murdered my face," I muttered under my breath, if Emmett heard it he didn't comment on it. "How did your exams go?" I asked then to change the subject.

"Oh, well, they were all right. I regret buying Wii, though, spent more time on that then with my books," he admit and rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

"There should be a Wii exam," Jasper stated as he entered the kitchen as well. Emmett agreed wholeheartedly. "Save some food for the other guests as well?" Jasper suggested acerbic towards him.

Tanya came strutting into the room on her heels then, making a high pitched noise while stretching her arms towards me. I damned her for making it all across the floor as she slammed into me and hugged me tightly. "You look amazing!" She squealed happily, glancing quickly around her. "Where's Rose and Alice? I need some more work on my hair," she said.

"Bathroom," I pointed my index finger towards the bathroom door and sighed thankfully as she left. Emmett and Jasper snorted audibly as well by her liveliness, I grinned when noticing it.

Edward strolled casually into the room then, wearing a dark suit with a black tie and black shirt. His hair was messy, as usual, but his face was clean shaved and glowing. He looked incredibly gorgeous as he made his way in a confident pace towards us in the kitchen, greeting Jasper who passed him by on his way to the living room with food.

His green eyes darted towards where I stood frozen by the kitchen bench, unable to take my eyes off him for even a second. His jaw fell visibly, I saw his eyes widen and he even missed a step when he saw me. I blushed.

"Uh, you, wow, er," Edward stuttered as he entered the kitchen fully, focusing on me with a look of disbelief – as if he was questioning if it was really me standing in front of him.

"My words exactly," Emmett added as he chewed some more chips. He gracefully grabbed his bowl and left for the living room as well then, joining Jasper in final preparations.

Edward raked his hand nervously through his bronze hair, still darting his eyes up and down my body. "You look stunning," he managed to utter hoarsely then, taking another step towards me. We were completely alone in the kitchen, covered from view from the rest of the apartment by the kitchen wall.

"You're not so bad yourself," I tried to say jokingly, but my voice was only a low whisper. My body trembled, sparks jolted and soared violently inside of me like I had never experienced before.

How could I even have thought to compare what I felt for Eric to this? What I felt for Eric was only as nearly strong as how I felt when Edward wasn't physically close to me, I realized then. And Edward was standing dangerously close to me, hovering over me. I bent my head backwards to stare back into his intense eyes. A magnetic force compelled me to move my hands towards his, I needed to touch him, I couldn't keep myself from it any longer.

Our fingertips touched suddenly, much sooner then I had anticipated, I nearly broke eye contact in surprise. I smiled ecstatically, his hands had met me on the half way. His hands caressed mine, every tender slide of his fingers sending shivers up the length of my arms. Our eyes were still locked.

"Ah, Bella," his voice whispered passionately. Edward swallowed and inched even closer to me, letting his palms glide over my wrists, towards my elbow while caressing my skin.

Voices close to us broke our enchanted moment, he broke free from his hold on me and walked over to the fridge, opening it with a firm pull. I poised myself and felt my heart race on from the intense moment that had passed. I sent an envious glance towards Edward who got to lean into the cooling fridge, I could really have needed something to hide my flush right now.

"Dinner's ready," Jasper announced merrily as he popped his head into the kitchen. I nodded in response, I was sure my voice would not be able to carry a single syllable at the moment. "Bring the salad, will you?" He begged of Edward, who replied confirmingly from behind the refridgerator door.

Edward grabbed the salad and walked towards the living room. He sighed as he passed me by, half smiling. I took my time to gather myself completely, before joining the others at the dining table.

Eric entered as I sat down at the end, sitting next to Tanya. She sat across from Edward, who sat next to Jasper and Emmett. Eric apologized for his latecoming, Alice chimed saying he was just in time. He swiftly bent down and kissed me quickly on my mouth before taking his place next to Edward. I caught a glimpse of a brief disapproving gleam in Edward's eyes before he quickly collected himself and let his face become emotionless.

"I don't think we have met," Eric said to Edward and shook his hand while they got over with the formalities. I picked up on the slight chilly undertone when Edward said 'nice to meet you'. My teeth clenched slightly.

We began eating and the chatter began. Alice and Emmett teased and mocked Jasper for losing to Rose in Wii bowling, following his prompt declaration of a rematch while blaming his alcohol level.

"Bella, you look amazing," Eric said softly to me. Edward kept his head down and ate silently, his brows furrowing. "Don't you agree, Edward?" Eric nudged Edward, who straightened out his crease before Eric could see it portrayed.

His green eyes were on me intently then. "She's beautiful," he stated adamantly. I was mortified by this sudden attention taken to my appearance and cringed in my seat.

"You look amazing as well, Tanya, that dress suits you perfectly," Eric continued his praises around the table and left Edward and me exchanging hidden glances between eating in silence. I was glad Alice had no direct view of me, she'd be all about the disapproving frowns about now. I guessed she was probably giving Edward the full package from where she sat now.

The talk went trivially on about exams, cheers erupted and toasts were made to congratulate everyone on a job well done. Edward and Jasper discussed some difficult questions they had encountered on their common exams at one point, and Tanya turned her attention to me.

"I hear you're quite the bio wiz," she said kindly. "How did your exams go?"

I felt guilty for having secret spark moments with her boyfriend across the table suddenly. She was genuinely kind. I wished she wasn't, it would be so much simpler to hate her if she was retarded and mean. Instead I was left feeling like I was both mean and mentally challenged.

"Oh, I don't know, I've never had a college exam before so I don't really know what standards they require," I said vaguely. In truth I did answer every single question quite well, but I was not interested in bragging to pay tribute to myself. Having her admire my biology prowess when I was secretly in love with her boyfriend wasn't really fair.

"I'm sure it went well," she assured me with a bright smile. I shied away from her compliment, and cowed my look from meeting Edward's. This was torture.

After finishing our meal we crammed into the hallway to get our jackets on. I reached for mine and backed out of the crowd to get enough space to inch it on. I felt it tugged out of my grasp suddenly. I turned to see who'd taken it, and found myself facing Edward. He held it towards me, gesturing me to stick my arms into it while he gallantly helped me. He smiled the most brilliant smile at me, my knees wobbled and my pulse raised.

He eased the jacket over my shoulders and let his palms slide down my wrists before brushing my bare fingers with his. Sparks flew up and down my spine by the contact of his skin. His index finger bent to link mine, a secret movement so powerful to me I had to reach out and gain support from the wall with my free hand.

"Let's go!" Emmett's voice sounded then and we broke free from the tiny grasp we shared. Alice waited by the doorstep and let Edward pass her by, her eyes intently on mine. Her face carried the expected disapproving glower, and she hissed as I reached her.

"I can't believe it," she whispered furiously under her breath. I ignored her and followed Eric into his car. Alice sent me another dark look before getting into Emmett's car.

This was going to be an interesting evening.

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**Ah, the sweet build up. **

**Reviews and comments are accepted happily! :D  
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	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

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**Chapter 19**

The annual Christmas ball was held in an old mansion outside of the city. It had been tradition for nearly fifty years to celebrate the end of first semester's exams here, and this year was no different.

I was breathless as I stepped out of Eric's car. The place was like as if taken out of a fairytale. It was surrounded by large fields, covered in white powder snow and a huge brick driveway leading to the front of it flanked by a trail of hedges and trees. The manor was a grandiose rectangular-shaped gray brick building with golden candlelight glow seeping out of the windows contrasting the twilight engulfing the house.

"Magnificent, isn't it?" Edward's velvet voice whispered into my ear as I admired the sight. I nodded speechless. He walked past me, Tanya on his arm and turned to smile at me as he did.

I absorbed the situation while studying them crossing the threshold to the mansion. I felt utterly miserable when contemplating it further. We had agreed on leaving this thing between us at rest, we were going to ignore it and carry on with our lives. I had, he had.

Perhaps the distance deceived us into believing we would succeed in it, I knew I for one had been convinced that Eric and I had a future. This self-assured illusion broke when I had laid my eyes on him tonight. I had felt the bond between us throb in anticipation, pulsating with electricity and luring me in. The moment we'd shared secretly in the kitchen and in the not as much secret hallway was confirmation that he'd felt it too.

Was I supposed to fight this? Was it expected of me to let this go, hoping it would fade or end abruptly? I searched my mind furiously for a solution. We attempted so desperately to not give in to it, we fought against it but hardly managed to resist it.

Emotions ascended inside of me, skyrocketing me to anxiety. Was I supposed to keep fighting this forever? Would this wretchedness never subside?

Eric laid his hand around my waist and jerked me towards his body. "You alive?" He asked jokingly. I gathered myself and joined him towards the entrance. The rest of our clan had already stepped inside.

The foyer was lined with waiters and other staff, greeting us kindly as we came into the mansion. I could audibly identify the party being located in the west wing, Eric steered me through the masses of people gathered in the hallway leading to the main room.

I gasped loudly as we tread into the ballroom. It was a gigantic room, immense windows lining the golden yellow walls, candlelight flickering shadows onto the wallpaper from both the marvelous chandeliers and candle. The floor tiles were similar to a chessboard pattern, only in golden hues instead, the curtains matching the darker lines separating each square from the others.

There were round tables covered in white table cloths and golden candles lined up against the walls. I saw Alice wave at us from one of them, Eric led me through the mingling crowds on the dance floor towards the table.

The chair next to Alice's had my name on it, the one on my other side carried Eric's name. I soon identified all our names on the eight chairs surrounding our table. I sat down and marveled additionally at the ballroom. I saw a live band playing from the opposite corner from where we sat. Waiters dressed formally in black and white served drinks all around.

Alice sipped off her suspiciously sparkling beverage. "It's water!" She exclaimed and giggled. "Like I need alcohol to enjoy this place."

"I have never seen anything like it," I said hoarsely. "It is unbelievable."

A loud cough sounded over the speakers and then a chiming sound from metal hitting glass. The buzzing chatter faded out and the sound of heels clicking filled the room, heads turned expectantly towards the band. A man dressed in a dark tux smiled brightly by the silence and attention, he held a microphone and a glass of champagne in his hands.

"My name is Sam Uley, I am the head of the Christmas ball committee and will be your respective compère, or MC, tonight," he said, his introduction met by applause. He churned on for awhile about the history of the ball and I found myself zoning out, my eyes searching for Edward and Tanya who were the only couple missing from our table.

"On a final note, I will end my welcoming speech as it has been concluded for fifty six years; Comrades, drink up!"

The band recommenced their music and waiters streamed into the hall with finger sandwiches and other forms of snack. The room was yet again filled with the hum of conversation. Edward and Tanya emerged from the crowd and sat down by our table next to each other.

"There are so many familiar faces here," Tanya chirped. Her face was lit up in exhilaration by the social possibilities, Edward sitting next to her had no such light in his eyes. He played jadedly with a crab meat bacon roll while Tanya chimed on further elucidating what interesting characters she'd run into when touring the room with Edward. She was especially enchanted by being introduced to Sam Uley by a friend, meanwhile nudging Edward requesting enthusiasm backup from him. He ignored her simply, occupying himself with his crab meat, now stacking them on top of each other. Tanya sent a chilly scowl his way before turning to Rose and Alice again, her face hiding any trace of exasperation.

Emmett elbowed Eric and pointed towards a table across the room. "Hey, there's Laurent from the team. Let's go say hello," Emmett kissed Rose's cheek and whispered he'd be right back before heading towards Eric and his mutual friend.

My eyes flew discreetly to Edward again, enjoying the way his masculine features were emphasized by the candlelight dancing softly all around us. Tanya kept reporting on the people present, the candlelight doing nothing to hide her apparent shallowness. I could see Alice mask a grimace as she realized Tanya wasn't nearly done droning on, meanwhile Rose didn't appear as if she minded the gossip she was served at all.

Alice straightened suddenly with a bright smile on her face, the source of her visage of success was soon to be revealed. "Oh, I nearly forgot!" she said eagerly, interrupting Tanya who sent her an offended glare. "I have all your Christmas presents with me, I should pass them around now before I forget and you all go home for the holidays."

"Oh, excellent!" Rose exclaimed impatiently and turned to Alice who ransacked her purse. Her tiny hands quickly handed out small presents as they came across them in the bag. Edward and Jasper sat without gifts when she was finished, I figured she wasn't in the same hurry handing them out as she was Rose, Tanya and I. I knew Rose was leaving in a few days, I myself planned on leaving the following morning. I didn't know or care what Tanya's plan was.

"Thank you, Alice!" Rose squealed in pleasure.

I inspected the shape of my present, it was a box of some sorts. I shook it to listen for any uncloaking sounds. "Bella!" Alice hissed by my attempt to reveal the contents. I smirked sheepishly.

"I have yours at home, Alice. I'll leave it with Rose, you can pick it up when you stop by," I explained, remembering the Santa-covered wrapping covering a pair of fabulous red shoes I had stumbled upon during our shopping marathon. She would look incredible in them.

"Awesome!" She beamed and hugged me merry Christmas. "I want to dance, dear," she begged Jasper. He nodded confirming and took her hand, leading her to the dance floor.

"Oh, there's Angela!" Tanya cried out. "Want to come meet her?" She turned to Edward who shook his head absentmindedly in response. She huffed, but let her social desire steer her towards a girl waving back at her.

"I'm gonna go find Emmett," Rose said while putting her present into her purse. "You two just kill me with your constant jammer," she remarked sarcastically at our collective hushed attendance by the table.

We both followed her with our eyes, Edward had slight wrinkles around his from a half smile. He turned to me, scooting around the table to get closer to me. He reached into his pocket silently, I watched closely as he unfolded his grasp and exposed a small wrapped gift in his palm, his arm extended towards me in an offering gesture.

"It's for you," he grinned embarrassed and watched my reaction carefully with probing eyes. My lips separated in shock, I stuttered like a retard and shook my head.

"I haven't got you anything," I whispered shamefully, staring longingly at the gift. It was bulkily shaped, the item underneath probably asymmetrical somehow. He snorted and dismissed my objections and stretched his hand further towards me, beckoning me to accept.

"It's nothing much, really, I just saw it and thought of you," he admit and grinned. I took a mental backflip by the idea of me being in his thoughts. If he could wrap that image, I'd be happy already.

"So this is not crossing any ethical lines? Giving things to patients?" I asked dryly, cocking my eyebrow.

"You're hardly my patient anymore, Carlisle would remove me completely had you not conveniently trusted me the way you do," Edward explained roughly. "Now take it," he urged.

I reached out unsteadily and put my palm over the present. It fit perfectly inside of it. As I took hold of it by sliding my fingers down its sides I intentionally brushed slowly against Edward's palm. His hand shivered slightly by the touch, I heard his breath audibly speed up.

"Thanks," I whispered and seized the gift fully, bringing it towards me to scrutinize it closer. I heard him tsk at my curiosity.

"I didn't know you were so impatient, Bella," he commented, a mock condemning tone to his voice.

"I wasn't raised to assume things would still be there if I left them," I divulged while distracted by the gift in my palm. When he bent his back to lean closer towards me in a move motivated by interest I regained my attention to the conversation and frowned at what I had let slip. He got back in an upright position when he saw the change in my focus and sighed dissatisfactory.

"You can open it now if you'd like, I don't mind," he suggested indulging my desire to violently rip off the wrapping and uncover the gift he had especially picked out for me – no, the gift that had made him think about me. I quaked in anticipation, but regained control over my raging yearning and sighed resolutely.

"I'm gonna save it for later, if it's ok," I said determined, he nodded and let a mocking smirk show he had no faith in me. "But thank you," I said heartily and put the gift in my purse.

He'd taken to glance thoughtfully at Jasper and Alice now, they were swaying gracefully, holding each other close while exchanging dreamy gazes into each other's eyes. I sat enchanted by their display of love. They weren't as blatant about it as Rose and Emmett were, but I could see how tightly they were bound together just by the way they stared at the other now. The image of what seemed destined relationship made me unconsciously lean towards Edward.

The band began to play a new song. I recognized Sarah McLachlan's 'In the arms of an angel' immediately, it was one of my favorites.

"Would you like to dance?" Edward's tone asked hoarsely from my side. I had leant further then I had imagined, hardly expecting his smooth tone to sound this close to my ear. I could feel his breath roll off my neck. My need for him brunt feverously inside of me, I turned to look him in his eyes as I accepted.

He took my hand gently, I trembled slightly by the feel of his warm hand closing around mine. He led me determined to the dance floor not far from where Alice and Jasper stood. His arm eased around my waist, pulling me closer, locking me tightly against his body. I was unable to have any sort of conscious though at the moment, I let myself slip away into this magnificent moment, drowning in his emerald eyes piercing me with burning desire.

I knew Alice was probably glaring at us. I couldn't care less, I grasped desperately for every intimate second I got to share with Edward. My mind was busy collecting every single detail, savoring the sensation of a world where there was only Edward and I, dancing closely in a golden ballroom in an empty fantasy-like manor. I relished the secluded sphere of privacy covering us as our feet moved in harmony to the music.

Edward's face had never before carried his emotions this way, they were like manifested in his features, made transparent by every flicker of his eyes, every twitch of his muscles. I was in awe by his unconcealed display, letting myself blatantly display the depths of my emotions as well.

We danced the whole song through, our eyes not once straying from the other. I could feel him push me tighter to him, clasping my hand with his as if he didn't know how to more fully express himself but physically. I longed for the physical expressions of desire he was possible of.

The song ended much too soon, breaking our bubble of intimacy. Our feet paused, but we still kept eye contact and he held me just as tightly to him. Edward opened his mouth as to say something, but in the same moment a finger pricked his shoulder.

Eric smiled courtly and asked if he could cut in. Edward agreed reluctantly and handed me over to my date. I watched as returned to our table where he was somewhat attacked by Tanya. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately.

I stiffened by the sight. Jealousy and betrayal pulsated in me as I observed how he returned her kisses with his own. This was torture, was I supposed to endure this? Was I supposed to fight Edward and go on with my life?

I turned to Eric then, who had been talking to me while I had been preoccupied spying on Edward behind him. He hadn't even taken notice of my absentminded visage. He was telling me something funny I gathered and tried to pick up the remaining pieces of the conversation. I laughed when he did, clueless as to of what in particular.

I saw Emmett still standing by the Laurent guy, his brows furrowed dubiously as Laurent spoke. Rose and Alice were talking by the table, Jasper disappeared off to somewhere I could not cover with my visual field.

"People are getting drunk," Eric noted and gestured towards a stumbling girl next to us, lost in giggles.

"Charming," I remarked sardonically and sighed.

"You want to get out of here?" Eric asked curiously, a poorly hidden rush in his voice. My eyes shot discreetly towards our table. Tanya and Edward had finished rubbing their tongues together, but they were sitting close and talking passionately. Alice and Rose were staring directly at me, talking muffled to each other.

"Sure," I agreed. I didn't want to stay here and watch Edward step on the moment we had shared minutes ago. He would never leave her, and he would keep on putting me through this suffering every time he decided to play with me again. I felt so deceived by him. I didn't have to feel this anguish because he couldn't make up his mind, I decided resolutely. I wouldn't take this crap anymore, I would fight this and I would stay away from him. My feelings had diminished by the distance before, they would again, and I could be with Eric. Eric was perfectly fine, he was perfect! I rambled angrily on in my mental conversation to myself.

I would not waver now, my decision was unambiguous and definite.

My hand was firm when I grabbed Eric's and my step was determined as I dragged him out with me, leaving the Christmas ball in an unfaltering fury.

We drove off without saying goodbye the next minute, I sat grumbling in the seat next to Eric. "Something wrong?" He questioned concernedly.

"No, everything is fine," I said underlining the adjective a bit too hardly. He placed his hand over mine comforting. I wanted to withdraw my hand under his grasp, but I overruled my instincts and kept it there conclusively. I even rubbed his hand with my thumb for good measure.

His jaw line clenched faintly, and being made aware of his tenseness I also noticed he was speeding heavily. "Eric?" I asked alarmed, grasping his hand now. "Slow down," I begged to no response, he kept staring darkly at the road ahead.

"I can't believe you would humiliate me like that," he snarled at me. I felt instantly threatened by his tone and recoiled towards the car door.

"What are you talking about?" I muttered confused, taken by surprise of his abnormal display of anger. It wasn't even limited to a tense jaw anymore, it rolled off him in waves. "Eric, what the hell? Can you slow down, please," I urged him.

"You thought everyone were oblivious to your forbidden love?" he said growling. "I would have to have been blind and deaf to not pick up on it," he spat, his voice roaring. I pressed myself anxiously away from him, every inch I could muster felt essential to my life. I was petrified, feeling my adrenaline gushing into my blood stream and my breath getting shallow. He'd puzzled it all together, and he was angry – rightly so, I agreed, but there was a darkness to him now that scared me. The way he handled this was not reckless and emotional, as one could expect. He was enraged, he seemed offended by the entire spectacle more then hurt.

There was a fierce gleam in his eyes then, he turned over to a side road and shut down the car. He put his head in his hands and sighed deeply. I sat completely stiff, terrified to make any move that would make him snap again. Any feeling I'd ever had of security around him had vanished, I didn't even know who I was sitting next to anymore.

He sat silent for several seconds. "Eric, I…" I tried cagily, easing my fingers towards the handle secretly. He flinched and his nostrils flared as he spotted my inching fingers around the handle. With a sudden move he jerked forwards and locked my car door. I winced and pulled back with a scared sound emerging from my throat.

Eric lingered in his position, his hand on the door, imprisoning me between his arms. He moved his face close to mine, I could feel his breath on my cheek. There was a dangerous flash in his eyes, I could see a bitter smile linger in the corners of his mouth. I had never seen anyone bearing this expression before, he looked psychotic.

"You think you can humiliate me like that, Bella?" His voice asked sinisterly as he let his left hand grace my cheek. I drew back and whimpered under his touch. He chuckled, there clearly was an evil tone to this.

"I am sorry," I whispered hoarsely, fear making my voice falter. He snorted and grabbed the back of my neck, grasping my hair violently. I felt the roots of my stands throb by his tight hold and obeyed his jerk of my head to make me face him. His eyes darted disturbingly, fixing on mine.

"You will pay for making me look stupid," he said in an angry whisper. I yelped by his promising words, even louder when he tugged my hair again, ripping my head backwards. Pain spread from the back of my neck, tears welled up inside of me. His eyes flew to my chest, taking the vision in greedily. I froze. His hand flew to cup my breast and he crawled closer to me, nearly into my seat completely.

I felt anxiety rage inside of me fully as I realized this would not end happily. I would not get out of this situation. Edward wouldn't show up suddenly, whisking me away in his strong arms and pulling me out. My anxiety slowly began pulling me under, I felt my conscious thoughts disappear and my body responded by numbing to his ravage touches.

I desperately gasped for breaths, tears streaming down my cheek now in puddles, I felt my throat was all wet. His hands were on the back of my dress now, trying to unzip it while he nibbled on my neck. I heard him moan. He whispered angry words into my ears, cursing and claiming I had brought this on my self.

As I sat there, unable to lift a finger to hinder him from undressing me, forced to immobilization by the constraining anxiety, all I could do was to not do anything.

I recognized the mechanisms, I had replayed the situation with Jake and I so many times in my head I could see what was happening. I was letting my fear take me over and I was going numb, emotionally withdrawn and letting it go on because my fear was standing in my way. Eric didn't even have to restrain me, I realized and cried harder. But my tears fell quietly, only gasps from my hyperventilation filled the car.

His hand slid up my thigh while my ear was filled with a hungry growl. "I am glad you're not fighting this, I knew you wanted it," he said while shoving himself closer. He spread my legs in a simple move and maneuvered himself on top of me. I shrieked in terror, but sat completely still.

My mind was a mess, anxiety kept me restrained and was pulsating through my neurons forcefully. There was a subconscious revolution going on, I could sense it sometimes peeking into consciousness before overthrown by the panic telling me to stay still, everything would be fine if I just sat still and if he got it his way.

I began fighting back slowly. I picked up the few shreds of determination I could regain and began waving them together into something tangible. Soon, while shaking violently and while Eric was still assaulting me, I regained somewhat control over my raging thoughts.

I had fought this before, I had won. Fear did pass, and fear was not dangerous. Eric on the other hand was, and if I could only overcome my paralyzing terror, I would be able to fight him back. If not succeed in escaping, I would at least fight.

Had I not had the previous experience in mastering my anxiety, all though limited as it was, I would never even have been able to have a sane thought in my head at the time. What I in the end was capable of stunned me.

I steadied my breath carefully while focusing on the roof of the car, I was careful not to let Eric in on the change I was going through – the fact that he wasn't restraining me now could possibly be my salvation.

I cringed as I felt him begin to pull my underwear down my thighs, I tensed and bit my tongue in repulsion. Eric noticed my shift just in time to meet my eyes in surprise before I grabbed his head between my hands and put my knee to his groin with as much strength as I ever had used. A few seconds passed where he stared astounded at me before he withdrew in agony, screaming.

I took advantage of his pain and unlocked the door quickly, unlinking my feet from his body on and turned to run. I felt a restraining hand lock on my ankle, jerking me back forcefully. I fell flat on the ground, pebbles cutting into my face. I didn't even feel the pain, just horror as I realized he'd grabbed my foot.

I turned while kicking my foot vehemently, trying to loosen his grip. He crawled out from the floor of the car and stared at me with his ferocious eyes.

"You bitch," he screamed while still quivering in pain. He pulled my foot to bring me closer, my fingers leaving marks in the pebble road. I screamed now, with all the air in my lounges I screamed in a voice that didn't even sound like it came from me.

I got up in sitting position, still in a tug war with Eric who seemed to recover now, even trying to rise up slightly while relentlessly keeping his grasp. In a quick move I pulled my leg towards me as vigorously as I could possibly manage, he was yanked slightly out from the car, and then at the same time I leaned to the car door and slammed it shut on his lower arm.

A shout ripped through the air then, my foot released instantaneously and I didn't linger a second longer. I got up and ran, throwing my heels into the grass as I reached the highway. I heard the screams fade, turned onto the road and ran.

We'd not been too far from the college grounds, and not long after I reached my dorm. I slammed the door behind me as I got in and locked it. I fell to the ground exhausted, my breath running even though I had stopped. I was unable to take my eyes from the door, convinced that Eric would be on the other side any second, pounding on it to attack me again. I sat terrified watching the door, listening to sounds of Eric being in the hallway.

Somehow I had managed to bring my purse with me when escaping the car, I didn't have any conscious recollection of doing it, but it lay plainly on the floor next to me.

I reached over to it and found my phone. It was obvious now that I was trying to do fine movements I was shaking uncontrollably. When I flipped it open I saw it was off. My forehead wrinkled in confusion, I could not remember switching it off. While turning it back on I heard steps in the hallway, I flinched in panic and froze, I held my breath while listening intently.

The footsteps passed, they were not at all urgent as I imagined Eric's would be, they were rather lethargic and I heard a door nearby slam after some apparent fiddling with a keychain.

I dialed for a cab and began packing up my stuff. I threw off my dress and put on sweat pants and a hooded sweater, pulling the hood up. I randomly threw items from my closet into my little blue suitcase, only half aware of what I actually was stacking into it. I felt like I was doing it just to pack something.

My chest burned in fear still, but my head was in complete offensive mode. I had to retract myself from this dangerous situation, and it did not at all feel as if I was running from my fear as I did. This was not a situation Dr. Cullen would want me to face, this was clearly different. There was a valid reason to experience terror here, but I felt a fleeting moment of pride as I recollected my strength in the car earlier. The moment passed quickly, fear taking its place.

I wasn't safe here, I had to get away. I had to get home.

I finished packing and went to the door, my luggage in hand. I closed my eyes and drew my breath when unlocking the door and let it stand ajar for awhile before I dared sneak out.

I practically ran down the hallway, out into the parking lot where I saw the cab waiting for me. Soon I was by it and I didn't even look back before throwing myself into it and demanding the driver to get me away.

"Get me home," I insisted, receiving a double glance from the driver who obviously eyed my nervous behavior.

"Where's home?" He asked curiously. I whimpered by his patience, pleading with my eyes to make him take me away this instance.

"Forks," I begged with a hysterical voice. The driver nodded thoughtfully, but said nothing. I watched as the dorm faded away into the distance.

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	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Twilight and all its characters are not mine.

Hey, here's the EPOV of the evening, enjoy ;) Again, thanks for all the wonderful reviews and comebacks, you own! :D

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**Chapter 20**

**EPOV**

After Eric mercilessly cut in between Bella and me, I grudgingly disconnected myself from her. The moment had passed, I had opened my mouth and even decided on what words to utter to convince her I was speaking truthfully – but he broke in and no matter the yearning to forebear his insisting presence, I caved to my social manners and stepped aside.

I had felt the distance these past weeks slowly assemble the pieces it took for me to finally grasp the impact she had on my life. Between the cramming and the recovering from the fight, I had found myself gazing absentmindedly into the air, my head only consumed by the thought of her. Bella.

I couldn't deny it anymore, well, I hadn't so much denied it as rebelled against it. There was an incredible, like magnetic, force pulling us together. Whenever she was around I found myself being there solely for her, everything I did was to please her. She had to see me as strong. The fear in disappointing Carlisle I had assembled over the years was nothing compared to how I now demanded perfection from myself to be the best man I could possibly be. And it was all for her.

Tanya came as I returned to the table, jealously sparkling in her eyes as plain as day. I read her easily, I figured everybody could – she wasn't really that deep and mysterious.

Her hungry lips were on mine in an instant, begging for mine to take away her doubt and insecurity. I reckoned she'd seen Bella and I dance and perhaps gathered something from it. Actually, the revelation of how slow her mind worked had taken me by surprise. It wasn't really much of a conundrum to uncover, but she had still to figured out I had feelings for someone else despite the rather blatant manner I found myself displaying it.

I kissed her back in pity. There was something unusual fragile in her behavior, I didn't often see her doubt herself like this. I had comprehended the reason for her interest in me a while ago; she was hardly viewing me as anything except something pretty to introduce to her friends. Maybe in the beginning I'd been a prize for her, the pursuit holding gratification in itself. I was well aware of my social status and the mystique around my lack of a girlfriend, she must have seen me as the Holy Grail of social artifacts – not only someone nice to rest your eyes at, but someone who was wealthy and respected and on the top of that I was even an attracted bachelor.

Tanya noticed the distracted form my kisses took and ended it abruptly. "Edward!" She hissed, her voice was just low enough so it would be inaudible for others. That was all she cared about, appearances. The tiresome charade she'd forced me to endure as we got here was inane; shaking hands and introducing herself to whomever she regarded as worthy. I had wanted to slap her out of her mindless priorities, taking the advantage to climb a step on the social ladder instead of hanging with true friends was completely pointless to me.

She'd become a constant beacon of irritation on my radar, her tedious interests nudging my patience. I regret ever giving in to her frivolous chase after me. I knew I had only called her back because I had hoped it would solve the tense situation between Bella and me. What a brilliant choice indeed, I thought bitterly to myself.

"Edward, are you even listening?" she questioned sourly. We sat now, I registered, being so lost in thought I hadn't even realized we'd moved. I turned my attention to her, but was painfully aware of Bella behind me. I felt every cell in my body call out to be with her, and I sighed in frustration.

There was not really a question of what would happen next, I knew it with every fiber of my being what I would do. What I should have done a long time ago. Tanya had to go. Hell, I hadn't even bought her a Christmas present unconsciously aware that she wouldn't be around long enough for me to give it to her.

The mention of Bella's name caught me back into attention modus. "It's Bella, isn't it? You're all weird around her," Tanya sulked and pouted. I nearly chuckled when I looked at her. It was so clear that she doubted the words she spoke, she was so foundationally certain of her own superiority she didn't even think it true – she only said it so I would reject the notion and reaffirm my love for her. That's why this would hit her from nowhere.

"I am," I agreed unblinking. Her head flinched, I saw how she tried to come up with a reasonable explanation that would fit in with her still being a cut above the rest. "I can't keep on being with you, Tanya, I have feelings for her." I stated blankly. She began muttering something unintelligible; I saw her image of the world visibly crashing down on her.

I continued on with some niceties about how she was a great girl and anyone would be lucky to have her etc. I did it mostly for my own sake, I was sure she would go into oblivious self-praise like nothing had happened the second I left her.

"No," she whispered the, determination flashing in her voice. It was my turn to be surprised now. I spotted something I had not expected, she in fact looked hurt. "We don't have to break up, you can fall out of love with her and we can be happy," she pressed, grabbing my hand firmly.

I sat muttering stupidly by her unexpected reaction. Was it possible she did care about me? I had convinced myself this was only a formality that she'd be just as fine without me and would be throwing herself pathetically at some other guy the next minute.

"Tanya, I…" I began confused and raked my hand through my hair. She scooted her chair closer to me, her gaze fixed on me with an unparalleled resolve.

"We can do this, we are good together, right?" She pressed. I nodded, it was true, we were good together. But we weren't great. I turned my head instinctively to look at Bella, to reinforce my wavering decision now. If Tanya wanted me and if we were good together, then maybe I should leave Bella alone? The only excuses came rushing in on me. Her mental wellbeing, not standing in the way of what seemed as happiness with Eric, supporting her for her own good – it all came back.

I faltered and sighed. Maybe I shouldn't fight this? Maybe it was best to be with Tanya?

Her eyes sparkled victoriously as she saw my steadfastness weaken, and she didn't waste a second to grab the opportunity presented to her.

"We are a good match, we were fine until you saw her again. She's with Eric now, you see how happy she is – this is for the best. You can stay away from her and it will be ok," Tanya's voice said temptingly, alluring me into her plan. There was nothing I wanted more then to be sure of Bella's happiness, and she was undoubtedly happy without me.

Just as I caved, once more I let Bella slip from my fingers, Jasper was on my side. His face was stern and urgent, his firm hand clutched my shoulder fiercely.

"Edward, I need to talk to you," he demanded while scouting through the room. I cocked my eyebrows and waited for him to continue. "Emmett just told me that Laurent told him," Jasper drew his breath and grimaced by the introduction to the problem. Alice joined him at his side now, Emmett stood next to him, just as anxious as Jasper seemed.

"Get to the point!" I ordered, feeling my muscles tense up. Somehow I knew this was bad.

Jasper blurted it out instantly on my command. "Eric has a reputation, it seems."

Emmett cringed by the mention of it, and rushed forward to me. "I didn't know, I'm sorry, I would never have introduced them if I had," he pleaded and Rose rubbed his arm soothingly. Both Rose and Alice looked terrified as they waited for the upcoming revelation.

"What kind of reputation?" I growled.

"There were some rumors about him…" Jasper swallowed and glanced worriedly down at Alice, she tugged his arm to make him spill it. "Raping girls."

"What?!" Alice and I mirrored each other's irate behavior, positioning ourselves towards the messenger, Jasper. He backed away slightly by our threatening rage, gesturing with his hands to remind us he was only the relay-guy.

"Where are they?" Rose said panic-stricken while spanning the dance floor with her eyes. "They are not here," she muttered frantically.

"They were here a few minutes ago," Emmett pointed out and craned his neck to get a better view. "I can't see them now, though."

"We have to get her away from him!" Alice grabbed my arm in panic. I saw Jasper returning then, I hadn't even taken notice of his departure between all the fuss. He strode quickly through the double doors towards us, passed the dancing people and breathed heavily as he reached us.

"His car is gone," he breathed, his voice brimming of desolate.

Terror exploded inside of me, I heard the faded sounds of Jasper and Emmett elaborating the others further on what Laurent had said. I myself was at Emmett's side, grabbed his keys and sprinted towards the exit. A hand grabbed mine as I was half ways, I turned with a scowl on my face. Tanya had seized a hold of me on the middle of the dance floor. Couples around us sent us curious glances.

"This is ridiculous, you don't have to run off and save her, the others might as well," Tanya flared at me, her hand tugging me towards her.

"I have to make sure she is ok," I pressed impatiently, Tanya rolled her eyes.

"No, _you _don't, let Emmett and Jasper do it," she pleaded. I knew this was bigger then the rescue mission. She reacted to my instinctual and primal need to save Bella. "If you leave," Tanya continued, steadying herself, the couples around listening closely. "We're over for good," she ended and put her hands to her hips.

I sent her a firm gaze, then turned and ran.

I barely registered Alice's hysterical voice behind me as I was running out, tossed myself into Emmett's car and drove off.

My mind went crazy playing through the possible scenarios Bella could be going through. I noticed I was speeding way too much, and slowed down to a manageable pace – and one less likely to attract unwanted police attention. I pulled together all calm control I could find and made myself think.

"Think, think," I told myself loudly as I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. It went directly to voicemail. She'd turned it off. I cursed, I was having the worst of luck right now. She could be anywhere. She might not even know what he was capable of.

I realized he might not have attacked her yet; he'd certainly not done it before this evening, he might not be doing it now. But I still couldn't stand the thought of her being close to him. They might be kissing passionately right now, while his thoughts were consumed by violently assaulting her.

I slammed the steering wheel aggressively by my own disturbing thoughts.

"Fuck!" I yelled and composed myself again. "Where would they be," I mused, restraining myself from charging Emmett's car again. "His place, her place, a motel, Canada," I listed, my register progressively understating how useless this random driving around was.

I had to go somewhere, anywhere, just to know I had been searching for her, not just aimlessly driving around and punching the wheel of the car. I didn't have Eric's phone number, not that he would pick up if he was busy raping Bella. I cringed in pain just by thinking of it.

I knew this was the last thing she needed, this was far from being an event she added fear to, manifested into her subconscious as a dangerous situation. This was real fear, this she should be saved from. And I wouldn't be there to save her from it.

The guilt welled up inside of me. Had I only not held her at arm's length, had I embraced her like I should have, she wouldn't be in this wretched situation.

I felt like I had abandoned her, told her to face the perilous situations in her life on her own – not thinking that she might need help from those not created by her anxiety. Whatever happened I would be there then, I would support her and protect her from the dangers I could.

I was driving towards college grounds now. I had no idea where Eric lived, I would call Emmett after and ask him if she was not at home. I hoped she was, that would mean she might be alone and everything might be fine.

Something in my gut nagged though, telling me everything wasn't fine. This was not one of those situations I would look back at and smile, thinking how I let rage have its way with me, blinded by my love for Bella. I knew it, but refused to come to terms with it then and there. I had my hope, nothing was set in stone yet. Schrodinger's cat, and all that crap.

I pulled into the empty parking lot and began walking towards her dorm, my heart pounding in my chest. As I got closer I saw a cab pull in just outsides the far entrance and a tiny, anxious figure sliding into it. I would have recognized Bella's meek silhouette anywhere.

I didn't freeze, I had no time to stop. She was already in the cab, and I fell into a sprint again. I felt hope rise inside of me when I saw the cab didn't start driving instantly, I closed up on it and would have reached it if it had not jolted into action. The engine purred and I was victim to the cab's mercilessly increase of the gap between us.

My fingers stretched out frenziedly, grazing the trunk soundlessly. I had no breath to scream with, so I kept on focusing on gaining on it. I saw Bella tilt her head and gaze at the grounds, her gaze far from peaceful, and the pain of seeing her sadness ripped through me.

He'd hurt her. The realization hit me like a slap in the face, my illusions of her being safe and sound was reduced to rubble by the sight of her. I found my last piece of strength in this, and slammed the trunk hardly. The cab slowed down by the attack and I kept pummeling it until it stopped completely.

Bella turned her head in terror, her eyes wide and looking like she would come to face her nightmare as she dared to look at the person standing behind the cab.

The next second, as she came to realize it was me who stood there, left me stunned. The way her face went from outright horror to falter into complete surrender broke my heart then and there. She broke into sobs the next second, the cab driver stepping out of the car, his face angry and his hover threatening. He assumed I was the one causing her anxiety.

"It's fine," I objected. "I'm a friend," I explained, but to no change in the cab driver. Bella sobbed loudly inside of the car, I could see her head bobbing with the shakes. Oh, how I wanted to hold her now.

"What the hell are you doing?" the driver shouted, I backed slightly, but still trying to advance towards getting a grip on Bella's door. She needed me now, right now. I had seen her defenses crumble as she laid eyes on me, as if she now dared to feel the pain, as if seeing me made her feel safe enough to collapse – and I wasn't there holding her.

"Edward," I heard her yell from the car, she'd managed to push the door ajar, and I sent the driver a pleading look. He shook his head confused, but eased his stance. I didn't need more.

I ran to the door, flung it open and took her limp body into my arms. I lifted her up into my arms and cradled her closely. She quaked in fear and despair, her fingers clutching whatever part of me she could link them around.

"Would you mind driving us to Meyer Street?" I questioned the stunned driver who stood observing the spectacle, uncertain of what to do. He nodded slightly and got in the car.

I got in, not letting my grip on Bella loosen for a second, but letting her lay in my embrace and sob. I whispered comforting words into her ear as we drove towards my apartment, telling her she was safe now and that everything was going to be ok.

I got her into the apartment, after handing the driver tons of money as thanks. Bella didn't stop the weeping, and I refused to let her out of my tight clasp. I carried her to my bed and put her down, but laid down next to her pulled her close to me. She shook soundlessly now, and I let my fingers brush her hair and her arm comfortingly.

My phone rang somewhere in the distance, I ignored it. But it seemed to pull her out of her daze, her sobbing halting. She let a shaking hand trail to my pocket and she pulled out my phone. I met her blood shot eyes as she handed it to me, before hiding her face in my chest again, her sobbing multiplying again.

I answered Alice's call and heard her angry voice fume on. "I have her with me," I said, interrupting her rant. She paused then and asked if she was all right. I let my eyes dart to the figure in my arms and I didn't know what to answer her.

"Edward? Is she all right?" Alice pressed, a tad more hysterical now.

"I don't know," I whispered back, my voice catching in my throat. I hung up quickly, I didn't want to let one more second go by without both my hands embracing her soothingly again. I would never let her out of my sight again.

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**How's that for a Christmas ball?**

**Reviews and comments accepted happily! :D  
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	21. Chapter 21

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

I have to say I am amazed by the reactions to the previous chapter. Thank you so much for the favorites, plus wonderful reviews and comments. It really keeps me motivated! Seems I wasn't the only one eager to see them finally getting somewhere. Here's an entire fluffy chapter for you guys, enjoy :)

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**Chapter 21**

His arms never let go of me. At one point I wondered who was holding on to whom in our embrace. Our bodies merged into one, I didn't know where I ended and where he began.

His presence by the cab had immediately released the fear I had kept restrained, there had only been room for the survival reflexes before he showed up. I had to get away and I had to be safe. There had been no room for pain and terror. As I became aware of him, I let everything slip and fell into despair.

Had I learned something the past few months, it was that whenever I was in need of a savior, Edward would stand strong and catch me. He had wrapped his arms around me and sheltered me from the menace, muttered soothing words into my hair while stroking me pacifying.

Of course, I didn't calm down, but I could let it all go. I dared to rest my guard and the darkness came rolling in. I hadn't kept it at distance for the fear of facing it, I just did not have the mental capacity. And I took it, I let it take me under and I sank to the bottom in my misery. It would be wrong to say _I_ cried, because it didn't feel like it was me. From the second he appeared Bella, me, I took a break. I had fought bravely against Eric, I had withstood the terror and acted on instinct retreating and exiting safely. But what I went through when Edward's protecting arms held me, it wasn't me.

What was it? I guess one could say it was my body reacting. It closed completely down on me, limiting itself to fetal position and sobs so deep that I would cough hoarsely from the continuing strain. My vocal cords were unable to make any sound above the average whimper, I could not press myself into experiencing a single meaningful reflection. I was a primal being, my body completely in control – my body dominated by the need to react to the danger I had faced.

I was barely aware of the fact that we'd moved when the ringing of his phone alerted me back to somewhat consciousness. It pierced my aching brain and disturbed the cleansing process my body was performing, so I reflexively pulled it out of his pocket and urged him to take it to make it shut up.

His eyes fell on mine for an instant before he answered it. I flinched back and hid myself in his protective arms, not ready to face the outside world, and then let the darkness engulf me again.

He never left my side, not a second. And as my body slowly let me have the reigns again, I was increasingly aware of how close he actually was. I began detecting his warm palms brushing me in a subduing manner, I could smell his sweet scent from his black shirt, and the mellifluously tenderness in the velvet words he kept muttering into my ear. I feel his heart beating repetitively, drumming steadily underneath his clothes, soothing me further. My cries ebbed in tact with my resurfacing from the darkness.

Soon, I lay still and somewhat stiff, unsure of how to act when in this close proximity to him. I tried to stop my remaining sniffles, but they wouldn't cease. He apparently took notice of my change and leaned slightly back to have a view of me. The sun from the bedroom window fell on my face. It was morning.

Edward kept silent, he just stared down at me with a worried, yet relaxed peer. He rested his head on the white linen and sighed, raised his hand and brushed my cheek gently. I spotted a difference in his behavior, there was a surprisingly little amount of restraint in his movements. His face shone freely with emotion, his touches were conducted without any hesitation.

I stared back at him, fixing his gaze with mine, refusing to let go. We lay like this for what must have been hours. He kept on meticulously stroking me, running his fingers up and down my bared skin while keeping a secure gaze.

After some time he broke the silence. "How do you feel?" he asked silkily.

"My head hurts," I muffled back, he stifled a chuckle by my response.

"Your body must be pretty dehydrated from the water loss," he remarked, continuing his caressing gesture with his fingers to my cheek, running up and down my cheek bone and then to line my jaw. "Do you want me to get you some water?"

"Thanks," I muttered, grimacing as he eased his grip loose from me. I smiled when I saw his hesitant release of me. "I need a bathroom break anyway," I added and got up as well. I stumbled as blood rushed to my head and black dots flickered on my retinas. Edward was by my side in an instant, steadying me.

"I will make you some food as well," he added concerned. I nodded slightly. He let his hand slide down mine and reaching my fingers I felt his intertwine with mine. My face flew up facing his, shock painted across it. He held my hand now? Did I die and wake up in bizarro-world? This wasn't far from how I imagined heaven.

Edward smiled confidently at me and caressed my cheek once more, before dragging me after him into the hallway. He kissed my forehead before unlinking his hand from mine and turning to the kitchen. I stood lightheaded in the hallway a few seconds before I could remember what I had intended to do preceding the kiss.

I grabbed my suitcase with my belongings in it and freshened up in the bathroom quickly, eager to get back to this new Edward before I woke up or he turned all self-disciplinary on me.

When I met my own gaze in the mirror I had a flashback from the night before. I cringed and averted my own terror-struck peer, sweat breaking out on my forehead. As the fear passed I found myself clutching the sink, knuckles white like the porcelain it held. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I left the bathroom and went carefully into the kitchen where Edward was making me everything from omelet to steak and cake. I smirked by his obsessive caretaking initiative.

He smiled widely when he saw me and rushed over to hug me tightly. I couldn't help but freeze by the weirdness. He looked down and let me go abruptly, thinking he'd done something wrong.

"Did I hurt you? Are you in pain?" He asked worriedly. I shook my head dismissively.

"Uh, not that I mind the sudden change, but I have been depressed and wailing all night before and that didn't lead to this kind of behavior," I stuttered and his concerned face smoothened over.

"You don't mind?" He asked assuring. I shook my head again.

"I don't mind at all. I am just wondering why," I said, somewhat concerned that questioning it would make him stop.

"I have decided it's not worth it anymore. I am not going to fight it, I am going to let myself love you, Bella." He declared melodiously. "If you want me to," he ended and cupped my chin. I could do nothing but stare dumbfounded into his eyes. Was it possible that this was happening?

"I don't remember hitting my head," I whispered confused, getting a lopsided smirk in return from Edward. He leaned in towards me, his lips meeting mine tenderly and passionately. I swooned and reached out to hold him. I was not going to make a fool out of myself by fainting now, this moment was too perfect to be ruined by my frequent embarrassing scenes created by the lack of body control.

He ended the kiss slowly, and as I opened my eyes I met his. I was sure if you put a plug in me the electricity inside of me could've lit up the entire room.

"I want you, too," I replied mesmerized by his beautiful face. He kissed me quickly then, a happy kiss, then released me and ran to the frying pan to save the remains of what must have been bacon.

We ate in silence, exchanging smiles and holding each other's hand. Again, he was the one who broke the silence in the end. This time it was a less then happy subject.

"I have to ask you, Bella, about last night…" he began, but voice tailing off in insecurity on how to approach the situation. I stopped chewing immediately and felt my muscles tense by the mention of it. He paused patiently as I signaled him to, contemplating how to describe it. And details I would be able to make myself elucidate.

"He went ballistic, having discovered we shared feelings for each other, and felt humiliated because of our… dance," I began, my eyes staring at the table cloth, my mind currently in the car, reliving the episode. My voice rambled hurriedly, as if I could make myself say it quickly it would not hurt as much. "He changed in a way I have never before seen."

I caught myself in the lie after I'd said it. I had not intentionally eluded the truth from him, I had in fact forgotten I had experienced a transformation like that in a person before. I let it slide and focused on telling him the rest.

"He pulled in to a side road and…" I felt tears stream freely from my eyes now, but the emotional disturbance was not really consciously registered by me – I was reliving the numbness I had encountered at the time. Edward leaned over and kissed my tears while I spoke. "I couldn't move, I was paralyzed by fear, unable to break free. And he kept undressing me, touching me. I was unable to move." My voice broke into a high pitched sound, and I looked pleading at him. He had to understand, I didn't want it to happen just because I had let him do it without any resistance, I hadn't asked for it. I needed him to understand. "I feel so dirty, like he has tainted me and like I am to blame for it. He told me he could feel I wanted it, Edward, but you have to believe me, I didn't want it. I just couldn't move, I just couldn't."

I cried hysterically now, Edward embracing me tightly, rocking me steadily to calm me. "I know, it's not your fault. It is normal to react like that, it has nothing to do with compliance," Edward explained determinedly. "Don't think that for a second, this is all him, not you." He pressed, and I nodded slightly.

"Why did you come for me?" I asked then, realizing he'd actually shown up out of the blue.

"He has done this to others, that's why I came looking for you, Laurent told us," he whispered and lifted me to his lap to hold me closer.

"I managed to escape before he could rape me," I said between sobs and I could hear Edward exhale heavily in relief. "I fought the fear that paralyzed me and I eventually was able to run off," I recapitulated hoping it would soothe him even further. I felt better when I realized it did.

"I am so amazed by your strength, Bella," he whispered and leaned down to kiss my cheek. I eyed him skeptically.

"I must be the weakest person on this earth, I am overcome by every small thing I am faced with," I objected. He shook his head.

"You are fighting so bravely, I have never seen anything like it," he said and kissed me tenderly again. I let him hold me again, his gentle rocking mollifying.

He carried me to his bed again after my weeping stopped and positioned himself next to me, holding me tightly like before. His heart beat faster then it had earlier, fluttering.

I put my palm to his chest to feel the light thumps through his skin. He looked curiously down at me. "What?" he asked humored by my touch.

"Your heart beats faster," I whispered in reply. He pulled me closer to him, our noses touching and our eyes inches apart.

"It's because it's so marvelously happy now that it's finally allowed to love you," he said sweetly, and his lips found mine. My face crimsoned by the intensity of his kiss, urgent lips covering mine, the taste of him overwhelming. I didn't think I would ever be able to break free from this.

The sound of the front door slamming caused us to stop, but hardly break free. We continued the deep kisses, but Edward kept a curious glance towards the door.

"Edward? Bella?" Alice's chiming voice sounded from the hallway. Edward sent me an apologetic stare as he broke free from me and got up. He fixed his messy hair with a sheepish grin directed at me, straightening his black shirt and coughed to clear his throat.

"Yes, Alice, in here," he called and awaited her entrance standing next to the bed where I lay. I noticed Edward was still wearing his suit from last night then. I, on the other hand, had ripped my dress off and wore my slack pants and a white top – my hoodie tossed the floor earlier.

Alice entered quickly, not pausing a second before running to my side and hugging me tightly. "Are you ok, Bella? What happened? Edward said you weren't ok, did Eric...?" She asked concerned.

"I'm ok. I got away from him," I assured her slowly, not wanting to get into details at the moment, not when I had finally been able to stop the water works. Edward excused himself and generously gave us some privacy.

"You're not hurt at all?" She pressed and examined my body with a scrutinizing look. I shook my head, but then realized that when I thought about it, I did feel a dull throbbing pain from my ankle.

I lifted my foot absentmindedly and drew my grey pants back up to my knee. Alice gasped horrified by the sight, even I couldn't help grimacing. My ankle looked absolutely horrible. It had the dark marks from the powerful grip that had surrounded it last night, covered with long bloodied scrapes from what I presumed was his nails that had dug into my skin. The cuts were all over my leg, some even reaching to my knee. Stained blood surrounded the wounds ominously.

"Holy crap, we need to get this cleaned up," Alice muttered unable to take her eyes off my leg. She brushed my bruise slightly, I winced. "That bastard."

"I think I broke his arm," I offered silently. She veered her head back to face me and smiled sadly.

"I will do more then that when I get a hold of him," she said without a trace of humor in her voice.

"No, Alice, leave it alone," I begged, she sent me a disgusted frown.

"Are you going to let this slide? Think of all the other girls he will do this to, you were lucky!" She roared in vexation. I recoiled as she mentioned other girls being in danger, I hadn't even thought of that.

"I want to forget this, Alice. I… I don't think I can bear not moving on," I whispered, my voice slurring as I strained to keep from breaking into sobs again. Alice hugged me comfortingly.

"Don't worry, Bella, I will take care of it," she assured me and hushed me when I began to question the meaning of her words.

Alice stayed for dinner, which was really only left over's from the enormously versatile breakfast Edward had cooked up earlier. She said she would stop by Rose and pick up her gift while reassuring her with reports of my wellbeing. She explained that Rose was sorry she couldn't be here as well, but she had to pack and leave in time for her flight. I thought to myself that it was fortunate, I didn't know how much more pitiful glances I could take.

At one point I excused myself to call dad and tell him I wouldn't be home just yet. He replied his infamous line, 'ok'. It felt weird that he was unaware of my recent traumatizing experience's impact. It rocked so deep into my foundations that him being oblivious to it made me feel like I eluded him from information that he was entitled to. Yet still, I never thought for a second that he would be better off knowing; we didn't even share that kind of relationship.

Edward carried me to bed after Alice left. I was somewhat exhausted, but not unable to walk the short distance from the kitchen to the bedroom. I didn't object to being carried, though, it was quickly becoming my second favorite position in the world. First being laying face to face with Edward in the bed, on our sides and our arms pulling us together closely.

There was no denying the sexual attraction I experienced being this close to him and while kissing intensely like we frequently found ourselves doing. The desire for him flamed up inside of me, and I couldn't help but inch closer to him. I even found myself letting out a low moan as I slid my leg over his and pushing impossibly closer to him then I already was.

He caught his breath by my advance, his hands on my back shoving me towards him. I felt the kisses being interrupted then, and he breathed heavily when he spoke. "Bella, are you sure you're ok with this?" he didn't leave any space between the words and the continued kissing.

I shook my head to avoid further separation by having to speak. I couldn't imagine what could possibly be amiss, why Edward would ask a question like that was unconceivable to me. This felt glorious and I wanted it really, really bad.

I wasn't a virgin, in theory. Once on a drunken impulse I had let it go further then only the usual petting with a guy, and we'd gone all the way. It had been a pitiable first time, he'd hardly even been inside of me for a second before he sighed in happiness and went limp besides me. He'd even had the nerve to ask if it had been good for me. I'd snorted and decided the whole sex thing was overrated then and there.

It didn't really compare to what I felt now, lying close to Edward, pressing myself towards his body and being unable to stop touching him. I felt like I would die if I could not touch him.

This felt so right, compared to the previous feeble attempt I'd had at sex. There had been no feelings involved the last time, I had not had what seemed as six months foreplay either then. No, I couldn't see any reason for Edward asking that.

Until I did. It hit me like a thunderstorm, engulfing my entire body. I was fine, more then fine, until Edward ducked his hands under my top. His hands caressed my naked skin greedily, running up and down my back and then moving over to stroking my stomach. I heard him groan under his heavy breath by the touch of me. My mind involuntarily brought me back to the way Eric's hands had roamed my body, and suddenly I was back in the car with him and not in the bed with Edward. Eric moaned and pressed closer to me.

My body froze instantly. Panic spread inside of me, surrounding me completely and I re-experienced the same bodily reactions I had during Eric's assault. Edward halted when picking up on my sudden paralyze and jerked back quickly.

"Bella?" He asked worriedly. He drew back and moved away from my stiff embrace. I could see he wanted to lean forwards and hug it out of me, but he kept himself on a distance. "Bella? I am so sorry," his voice twisted in culpability.

Fear still had its hold on me, restricting me from any movements or conscious thought. I was on complete mental lockdown. My body merely shook in response to the memories Edward's touches had evoked.

For several minutes I was there, in the car. It smelled dusty all around me, his hands roamed my body mercilessly and I felt venom build up in my mouth from the fright. Worst of all was the silence, I realized. Thinking back the wretched silence in the car was the detail most noteworthy to me. I hadn't been aware of it at the time, but I saw it now. I felt how the silence made it all so much more real. It contrasted Eric's deep panting, the sound of fabric being shuffled, how his feet slid on the floor mat when he pushed himself excitedly towards my body.

The horrible silence.

Edward's voice brought me back to the present, releasing the mental grasp the memories had on me. He took away the silence.

My shaking increased, but he understood as well as I did that only meant I was regaining control over my body again. And then the sobs. He read the situation perfectly and confidently wrapped me in his arms again.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he repeated over and over again into my hair. I tried to stop crying to tell him it was not his fault, but it seemed out of my reach to bring the weeping to a close. Of course he had no fault in this, I would have begged him to continue if he had ceased to touch me. I had wanted it with all my heart.

Darkness faded gradually and I stormed to the opportunity to tell him he could not hold himself responsible for this.

"I didn't even know it would happen," I pointed out between sniffles. Edward shook his head remorsefully.

"I should have expected it, I knew there was a possibility that it would trigger…" His voice broke in misery. I grabbed his face between my hands and fixed my gaze on his.

"Don't blame yourself for this," I deliberately said slowly to get the point through. I had never before realized the depths of sorrow one could feel from others grief; seeing him writhe in despondency was different from any emotional pain I had ever experienced.

"I should have known better," he whispered. "Any moron would hold himself back thinking it might cause you to associate it with what happened. My selfishness caused you pain, oh, Bella, I am so sorry."

I was the one to hold Edward this time. This affected him in ways I could not have anticipated. I understood where it came from, of course. He had put himself in a guardian position to me, and it was a necessity for him to save me from harm. He now found himself faced with reviving the terror in me, all though unintentional, he had let his desire for me overcome his better judgment and put my safety in second order to it.

I got it, I did. But I couldn't deny, after the darkness had faded from my horizon, that the fact that he had been overcome by desire for me was flattering.

"It's ok, I am fine now," I soothed Edward and hugged him tightly. "Retrospectively, I am as much to blame as you. How about we let our fault cancel each other's out?" I offered while raking my hand through his soft hair.

I glanced up at him while sending him a lopsided smile trying to ease the atmosphere. I had already gone through the whole reaction, there was no use lingering at who was to blame for what.

"I will never let myself put your safety second like that again," he promised softly and kissed me. There was no doubt in my mind that his words were truthful, I trusted him with all my heart. Still, I found myself grimacing by his words. His forehead creased by my gesture and he cupped my chin interested. "What?"

I shifted nervously. "Never?" I asked and blushed. He smiled incredulously and kissed my forehead.

"I think we have established that I want you, maybe too much. I think we should slow down, I want to be perfectly sure you're ready before anything else," Edward explained.

"You'll have to fend me off," I muttered dryly.

"Bella, you're so incredibly reckless at times," he said chastising. "I sometimes think you're too brave for your own good. I mean, you're unbelievably strong, considering. I'm afraid you don't know where to stop when you challenge yourself. When you decide to face something you do it with such marvelous defiance, throwing yourself into it head first."

"Were you really afraid I'd plunge when at the ledge?" I asked regarding him curiously. His interval of silence spoke for itself.

"I find it hard to predict how far you will end up pushing yourself," he said finally. "You're so cowed by your fear, but at the same time your innate strength is so fierce. It's hard to foresee when you'll be intimidated and when you will break free."

"I am surprised you have taken my ambivalence into such consideration," I remarked and chuckled.

"I have been analyzing you since I first met you, you're my greatest psychological challenge so far," Edward smirked. "You are fascinating, and irresistible. God knows I tried."

"What if the challenge is met, what if the fascination is reduced to the mundane… How can you be sure that your feelings won't subside and fade with it?" I asked then, my heart beating faster as I awaited the response. The look he sent me questioned my sanity.

"Don't ever think that," he said harshly. "I have a strong need to help you, but I don't love your darkness, I loathe it. I want to rid you of it because I want you. The Bella I want is the one I know as free and strong."

"Really?" I asked flabbergasted. This emotional pour I was getting from him still felt unreal. Only hours ago I regarded him as forever unattainable.

"Yes. I am more afraid that you will have no need for me when you are fixed. I can't help but think you might only be attracted to the protection I serve you." As he said the words his voice became increasingly inaudible, the final words nearly covered by his breath. His eyes widened, as if he hadn't planned on telling me this, and now found himself having displayed his hidden suspicions to me.

"That's just crazy," I replied instinctively. There was so little truth to his qualms that I dismissed it instantly and with a little snort. But looking at him again, his features were still locked in the same vulnerable posture. I felt a pinch of guilt for having treated him so disrespectful when he'd taken my worries seriously. "I am thankful for your help, Edward. And I am undoubtedly attracted to that part of you, I am amazed by your empathy and endless compassion. But unless Dr. Cullen performs a lobotomy on you and removes that trait in you, I will love that part of you regardless if you use it to help me or not."

Edward chuckled inaudibly by the mention of lobotomy and hugged me closer. "It's good to know," he whispered.

"I don't mind being close to your godlike beauty either," I added sardonically, he grunted as to say my claim was preposterous.

"You are quite easy on the eyes yourself," he said kiddingly. It was my time to snort at his absurd statement. Next to him I faded into the wallpaper. Hell, I was sure most of the time the wallpaper outshone me. "You are mind-numbingly attractive, Bella," Edward said unsmiling.

"Honestly, you don't have to do this," I said fretting over what I considered he viewed obliged to say.

"Do what? I am serious, Bella. I was rendered breathless by how lovely you looked last night. I wasn't the only one, people were outright staring at you when you walked into the ballroom," he informed me.

"You think I am pretty?" I stammered, feeling like a little school girl dying for confirmation.

"I think you are the most stunning person I have ever met, in every single way," he ended. His hands reached up to my neck and pushed my lips towards his. Once again, I found myself lost in his kisses.

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**I hope you got somewhat emotional release from them finally being together, I know I did!**

**Reviews and comments are accepted happily! :D  
**


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Have to take the time to thank you guys, you are incredible loyal to the story and your comments keep me pushing myself to write better. Hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

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**Chapter 22**

I sat idly in my childhood room. I couldn't fathom that barely six months had passed since I escaped from it. Dolls and teddy bears lay scattered across the floor gazing at me with empty black eyes, the posters on the walls were horribly outdated, pinned to the pink background in a random distance ratio. I didn't know half the bands that were on them, and I knew for certain I had never listened to any of them.

Dad was watching some game, I heard the muffled sounds from downstairs and could virtually smell the beer that would rest lazily in his hand. I'd been avoiding him for days now, staying in my room and only reluctantly surfacing from my hermit existence to eat dinner.

I'd been in Forks for three days, Edward had personally chauffeured me all the way first thing Sunday morning. He had offered to meet Charlie, this I promptly demurred before kissing him good bye. Now it was Christmas Eve, and I was expected to make an entrance downstairs any moment. I had heard the ring from the timer five minutes ago, but refused to yield until dad shouted at me to come.

When he did my body cringed, realizing it would have to obey and face the pending awkward silence that would be sure to dominate our meal. I could not delay any further and descended the stairwell in a resigned saunter. Charlie held his breath by the sight of me, probably biting his tongue to not yell at me for wearing a plain black sweater and jeans. I couldn't help being childishly disrespectful around him still. At the same time I wisely refrained from wearing anything that wouldn't completely cover my bruises in front of him.

Throughout the years we'd established only one Christmas tradition; we had none. We ate a wide range of dissimilar thrifty meals, desperately trying to ignore the conventional unique place it held in other's lives – we made an especially dedicated attempt to make it feel as it was like the eleven other 24ths we encountered throughout a calendar year.

I scooped up a few fish sticks with my fork and proceeded to fill the rest of my Willy Wonka plate with spaghetti, adding the final ketchup touch with a thrust of the bottle. We ate in the predicted silence, only accompanied by chewing sounds and the background sounds provided by the TV. I smiled slightly by the sight of the opened beer on the coffee table.

"Taste ok?" Charlie asked inattentively, purely motivated by the need to make conversation.

"Sure. Better then the pizza last year," I replied lethargically, annoyed that he didn't stick to our custom silence.

"I guess," he muttered and looked as uncomfortable as I felt, shifting in his seat clearly regretting opening the door to conversation. His hands manifested his anxiousness into rapid movements, soon overfilling his fork's carrying capacity resulting to a collapse of it all into his lap on the way to his mouth. He cursed and grabbed for his napkin.

I heard my phone signal a new text message from upstairs, instantly wanting to retreat into my seclusion once again to read what I hoped was a message from Edward.

"When are you heading back?" Dad asked then, he'd cleaned up the spaghetti chaos from his lap by now.

"After new years," I replied.

I wished I could say I was going this second, but there was no point. Edward and Alice spent their holidays with their family and Rose was back home in Jacksonville. I was condemned to this deplorable subsistence for at least one more pitiful week; having to endure new years with Charlie once more. And that tradition of ours beat this one by miles in acetic influence. I'd brought on havoc a few years ago when he'd lit up fireworks, and subsequently pyrotechnics flaunted their absence from that year on.

I was perfectly contempt with our arrangement, and in return he got his praised peace. That was our relationship in a nutshell. He did everything just to keep me from bringing down mayhem, and that meant leaving me be.

The text was from Rose and not Edward as I had initially imagined. She had sent what clearly was a chain-text wishing me happy holidays and to have a merry Christmas with my nearest and dearest. The common fallacy to think what was genetically nearest had to be dearest did not pass me by unnoticed. I was certain she was not putting much into it, but I couldn't help the bitterness. Had I been spending time with my dearest I would be far from my old pink room.

Alice called the following morning, six to be exact, expressing her gratitude in an exuberant manner. She said her shoes would match her New Years Eve dress perfectly.

"That's great, Alice, I'm pleased you like them," I replied, stifling a yawn.

Her voice darkened slightly. "You sound tired, I was fully expecting you to have laid to waste your living room in wrapping paper by now," she remarked dryly referring to my less then restrained love for presents she'd bore witness to.

"I'm not even up yet," I explained and stretched slightly.

"Bah," she grunted disappointed through the phone. "You haven't even opened my gift yet?"

I groaned grudgingly and got out of bed in a reluctant move. I had completely forgotten all about my gifts from the Cullen's. "Just a sec," I mumbled while ransacking my purse for the presents. I hadn't touched it since the Christmas ball.

"No, she hasn't even gotten up yet," I heard Alice say to someone else in the room with her. "I know, completely out of character," she replied to an inaudible response. I rolled my eyes at her comments. She was not completely off target, I had to admit, but this Edward-less and loneliness was taking its toll on me. Usually around this time I'd spend my spare time with Jake, getting drunk in the deserted school yard or something similar. Tragic as it sounded, I really missed those good times with Jake. This year, I was all alone and had to spend every moment living in the painful silence between Charlie and me, it drained the life from every cell in my body to be here.

"Got it," I announced and pulled out both the gift from her and the one from Edward. I sat back down on the bed and put Edward's on the mattress, my eyes lingering in a moment of desire before reluctantly turning my attention to the one from Alice.

"You'll love it!" Alice cheered and waited expectantly.

I tore off the wrapping and regarded the box warily. It was black, ornamented with golden stripes, and dangerously like a jewelry container. My forehead creased while my fingers hesitantly moved to the little golden lock.

"You don't like it?" I heard Alice say sadly, interpreting my silence.

"Not opened yet," I said quickly, unbolting the box and flipping it open. "Oh, Alice," I gasped as my eyes fell on the earrings inside of it. They were crescent shaped and silver, studded with green gems.

"Yay!" Alice exclaimed triumphantly. "They're emerald, the color compliments those eyes of yours perfectly!"

"This is really too much, Alice, I only got you a pair of shoes," I said overcome by shame. Alice blew my humility off with a snort. "But thank you," I said sincerely.

"You can wear them for new years, like I will my new shoes," she pointed out. Her voice was so happy I found myself feeling sad. She was with her nearest, who was also her dearest, and she was probably having a holiday to put any Disney-movie to shame. I could practically sense the engulfing warmth from the fireplace and tasting the eggnog on my tongue while watching my picture perfect parents sing carols by the piano. I was doubtlessly spending my new years eve watching fireworks through the window of my room. "Oh, getting a call from Rose, she's probably ecstatic – I bought her a gift certificate at the Chinese place, she'll be eating there until next year now."

"All right, talk to you later," I said and hung up. As my little window to the Cullen's gleeful Christmas morning dissipated I felt even more deprived of happiness then before the call.

I got up and walked over to the rose colored chair by the window. My fingers trailed the wooden frame holding the only picture of mom I had left in it. I didn't know where the collection of photographs I'd once owned had ended up. Anything could have happened to them. I could have burnt them for all I knew, I thought, the whole period after she died was a shadowy blur.

This picture in particular was unique. I had always held it in special regards out of the vast collection I had once, even when she was alive. My eyes scrutinized the image between the wooden borders. When I was younger I'd liked it because the way the light fell so softly on her dark hair, how it fell down to her chest and merged into the dark strands belonging to my hair, almost making us look like we were physically connected. I sat on her lap, pointing towards dad behind the camera, smiling toothlessly. It was summer, dusk approaching lazily in the background but still the stripe of light on us. We sat on a rock, wearing clothes fit for hiking. Her arms were wrapped around my waist, her back hunched to get closer to me. We were tan from being victims of ultra violet rays for months. Now, seeing it in retrospect, I was beguiled and fascinated by not only our amalgamating position, but by her face. It radiated happiness from every single pixel of the photo, to me it seemed as if her face was absurdly twisted, abnormally even. I didn't remember her face like that at all.

I calculated my age to approximately six or seven. Not much time would pass after that August afternoon, when the flash light blazed brightly on the little brown haired girl's soft features, before the ominous dusk would no longer only be promising darkness in the distance. In the end, the illusory fusion I had imagined back then between us mercilessly suffered destruction.

Dad had moved to Forks from Phoenix the following fall, and deserted me in the process as well. I was not oblivious to the guilt he carried with him because of that, it hung tediously in every unspoken word between us. I had no room for forgiveness. He had left me, and he had left mom. I had not gone quiet when they made me live with him in Forks after her death.

The snow fell wildly outsides now, somehow having a calming effect on the raging bitterness inside of me. In truth I grew weary of the anger towards dad, I felt the repercussions of my grudge especially when being close to him for days at a time. But giving it up and forgiving him felt like surrendering a life long battle – and it felt like I would let down mom. Mom, who had to face her fate all on her own because he abandoned her.

The ringing of my phone broke my silent contemplation. I was shocked to find that it had never left my hand, but in fact rested in my palm from when I spoke to Alice. My bleak mulling instantly dispelled upon discovering the blinking of Edward's glorious name when I flipped it open.

"I'm so glad you called," I blurted happily after pressing the green phone icon.

"I'm glad you're glad," he chuckled. I heard him close a door behind him, merry voices in the background fading in the process. "I wanted to call sooner, but didn't want to wake you. Alice solved that problem," he continued.

"Yeah, she lacks some willpower that one," I remarked acidly, still sore about being forced to get up early. If I could have, I would have gone to sleep the minute I crossed the threshold to dad's house and hibernated until the end of the holidays. Every moment of unconsciousness was a moment not experienced in this wretched house.

"Did you get anything nice, except the earrings?" Edward asked curiously, my eyes shooting to the remaining gift on my mattress.

"I just got up, haven't had any time for unwrapping yet," I said while hoping he wouldn't make me open it while he listened to my reactions like Alice had. He kindly let it slide.

"Had any Christmas morning breakfast yet then? Or is your father as much of a morning person as you?" He questioned softly. I grimaced by the idea of having another tense meal with Charlie this soon, and partly because Edward assumed we were the kind of family who did that sort of thing.

"Hardly, if he gets up before noon the world as we know it would collapse," I remarked sarcastically. My fingers went absentmindedly to the picture standing on the window frame and in a swift movement turned it face down.

"I see. Alice and Esme are the opposite, always getting up like five and preparing a large meal so we don't die from the strain of unwrapping," he explained and I heard him smirk. "Carlisle, Jasper and I of course offer our somewhat reluctant assistance in the end," he added.

"Get anything of use?" I asked interested and got up from the chair at the same time. Out of sight, out of mind, I thought to myself and turned my back on the photo. I crawled onto the mattress while listening to his answer, laying on my side and my face inches away from his gift, staring at it intently.

"A couple of things," he replied with a distant ring to his voice. The next second I heard Dr. Cullen's inquiring voice in the background asking if it was 'Aunt Joyce' on the phone. "No, I'll call and thank her later, it's just a friend," he answered. He paused a second before speaking again, I reckoned he waited for Dr. Cullen to disappear.

"Sorry about that," he apologized, speaking to me again. I was not sure what to say, or if to say anything, but I couldn't help but feel somewhat offended. "Bella?" He asked in a worried voice.

"Yeah, I'm here," I signaled in an unsuccessful nonchalant voice.

He lowered his voice when he spoke next. "I'm sorry about the 'friend' thing, but he doesn't know about us, and I'm not sure if he should know for awhile either. I don't expect him to take easy on the whole ethical angle of this, although not nearly as overstepped as before, he'd still throw a fit," Edward summed.

"It's ok, I understand. Are we hiding it from everyone, by the way?" I asked curiously. I didn't have any need to flaunt our relationship around, I was just trying to get the feel of the situation.

"I'm not sure, really," he pondered. "I'd really prefer if Carlisle was left in the dark until you're all fixed so there won't be weirdness and immediate ethical considerations."

"You'd rather ask for forgiveness when caught?" I asked, grinning by our plans for a covert operation.

"If you don't mind, that is. If you'd rather we tell him now, I will," Edward pointed out and got the determined tone to his voice.

"I don't mind, I see the advantages of my shrink not knowing the guy I am sharing intimate details about is his adoptive son," I teased cruelly, receiving a groan in return from the speaker.

"I'm just gonna assume that really was only a joke," Edward remarked in a chuckle.

We continued onwards in the conversation picking up where we left off at the presents. We shared a laugh when he told me Alice and Jasper had given him boxing gloves, signed with their recommendation of getting in shape before next brawl. The amusement faded away when he grimly informed me he'd got a psychology book from Dr. Cullen on doctor-patient ethics. He continued on quickly with Esme's gift, expressing particular delight when he mentioned the abstract painting he'd received from her.

After a few hours my stomach growled so badly I reluctantly had to end the conversation, but promised to call him later on. While decorating a standard slice of bread with salami I found myself already missing Edward, only five minutes from talking to him. And I had over a week left in solitude.

While daydreaming about being in Edward's bed, nearly blushing when recollecting the passionate kisses we'd shared only days ago, I was interrupted by Charlie waltzing into the room.

"You're up early," I remarked instinctively, clock on the wall showing 11:35. He glanced at the time as well, replying with a shrug and opening the fridge. He fumbled with his food for some time, first trying to fry eggs that ended up black, then resigning to the plain salami as well.

"Want your present?" he asked suddenly, an expectant gleam in his eye blazing while watching me intently. He probably anticipated my usual fierce response to anything gift-wrapped and his face falling leagues when there was no trace of excitement in my eyes.

"Just put it outsides my door," I replied coolly before getting up and putting the empty plate into the dishwasher. He had transformed back to the reserved manner before I managed to leave the room, any hint of the glee that had flickered across his face washed away.

I went to my room and decided to have an unofficial gift ceremony all by myself. I dived into my luggage and pulled out the Christmas-tree decorated gift from Rose and put it next to Edward's on the bed. Hers was noticeably bigger compared to his, flat and soft. I expected it to be some sort of fabric, presumably something I'd never dare to wear unless I was forced to strip for a living.

Just as I was about to rip off the paper I heard low sounds from outsides my door. It was Charlie putting down his present, before silently retreating downstairs again. I got up, opened the door carefully and carried it back with me into the room, positioning it next to my two other presents.

I decided to open Rose's first, at least with that one I knew what to expect. Dad's was far too small and box-covered for me to be able to imagine what it could be.

My hands flew to the tree-ornamented paper and tore it to pieces. I lurked my fingers around the fabric revealed and held it up in front of me. It wasn't what I had imagined at all. This was not a shameless and inappropriately clingy dress that I would have expected, but a dress that I envisioned myself in gladly.

"It's even black," I sighed in relief from not facing something robbed off a prostitute. I read the note following the gift; "This will go superwell with Alice's gift! Love, Rose." I hugged the dress to me and decided to try on both later.

The choice of what to open next presented a challenge. I didn't want to open Charlie's, fearing the guilt I'd experience and the awkward thanks I'd have to offer later on. At the same time it was off script for him to buy something this size, he usually went for the impersonal towels or cook books. Edward's gift, on the other hand, I wanted to save for last, even though there was little dread mixed into opening it.

I decided to spare Edward's for last, not risking ruining it by having to open Charlie's possibly formal and annoying gift after.

After I'd made my mind up I grabbed the box and pulled the lid off quickly, determined to get it over with as soon as possible. I unpacked it further from the paper inside and wrinkled my forehead when my fingers touched something weirdly shaped inside. I pulled it out and sat astounded watching the item in my hand for a long while. Time passed unnoticed by while I and stared at it, playing idly with it between my fingers.

It was a silver ring, with shadows on the metal signifying its history. I knew it very well, just touching it triggered memories and made me experience emotions I had not for a very long time. My eyes traced the contours or the metal, sliding it onto my middle finger. I knew mom wore it on her right hand, like in the picture in my window frame where the sparkles from the double jewels reflected by the sun immortalized by the camera. The band was thin, but I could discern the slightly faded letters engraved into it. I knew what it said by heart. "Amor vincit omnia", meaning love conquers all in Latin. She'd been a literature major and had told me it was from The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer. This ring was the only piece of jewelry I'd ever seen her wear, and here it was, between my fingers.

I slid it back on my finger and closed my eyes in gratitude towards Charlie, one I would not give him the chance to experience in reality.

Again I found myself forgetting Edward's present and had to gather myself determinedly to be able to focus on it. My eyes kept drifting towards my heirloom on my finger, activating sweet memories of mom when she was still alive that I had forgotten I had ever experienced.

Finally I gave up any hope for enough resolve to keep from wavering to the ring. I took Edward's gift and placed it on my nightstand, deciding I'd get to it when I could reward it the attention it deserved.

I figured I'd take a walk in the brisk winter air to clear my mind, not all the memories evoked were associated with pleasant emotions, and soon my head felt like it would explode due to the pressure. The walk did distract me, mainly because of the icy ground making me focus all my attention on my feet to not topple over. I was not ready to wear a cast on top of all the drama I'd been through lately.

Because I never lived in Forks with mom I didn't relate its facilities to her either, which proved helpful. I went as promptly as I could manage without breaking my tailbone to my old high school. This building carried enough history for me to contemplate things that weren't remotely related to mom.

I found my way to the elementary school building next to the high school and smiled jubilant when I discovered the swing set at the playground. I got on and let myself sway distracted back and forth thinking back at the time I'd spent here.

Of course, Jake and I hadn't attended this school together – he went to school at the reservation where he lived, but we'd often sit here on these exact swings sharing a warming bottle of red wine and feeling exhilarated by the rebellious action.

"I knew you'd show up eventually," a familiar voice sounded from behind. I jerked around in surprise and saw Jake stroll into view. His face had healed well since the last time I saw him. He went over to the swing next to me and sat down. The swing stand trembled slightly by his weight. "Never thought you'd survive Christmas Eve without a show, but you did," he smiled sadly and glanced at me.

"Wow, Jake," I stammered. He sat rocking back and forth, his gaze fixed at the snow in front of him. His face was flashing a smile.

"Yeah, wow. I'm recovering quite nicely, dad is starting to trust me now. Not that anything bad can happen here in Forks, worst drug people deal here is coffee," he said exaggerating.

"I've missed you, being locked up with Charlie isn't really jolly," I said honestly, still unable to grasp that he was actually sitting next to me.

"I remember, we sat here every night for a week straight last year," Jake laughed. The wood croaked above us.

"I'm glad you're better," I remarked and smiled widely.

"I'm only here for a short time, he doesn't permit more then an hour away at a time before he wants to inspect my pupils," Jake smirked lopsided and grimaced. "You look healthy yourself, Bella."

"I am, I am sober since the day you went back here for a visit," I explained and smiled sadly by the mention of the horrible events in our past. Had someone told me back then, in the midst of all the craziness, that months later I'd be with Edward and meet Jake sober I'd probably wanted to know what drug they were on – and if I could have a taste.

"I remember," he pointed out in a whisper. "Are you better with the whole… episodes?" He dared to ask, holding his breath to see my response. Last time he'd inquired about that there hadn't been snow on the ground and I'd run away angrily.

"Hopefully soon," I indulged him thoughtfully. "Getting some therapy, gonna resume the sessions after Christmas."

"That makes me really happy to hear, Bells," Jake said earnestly while leaning his head towards the iron band connected to the swing. "So how is that Edward guy then?" He asked with an evil grin. My cheeks burned in response earning me a hoarse laugh from Jake. "I knew it!"

"It's really brand new, and not expected at all," I explained desperately, trying to not make a big deal out of this. I especially didn't want to rub his nose in it.

"It's ok, Bella. Being sober has brought on perspective. And a girl," he added with a proud grin. "I met her a month ago, she's great. A bit feisty, but that's the way I like it," he said chuckling.

"I can't believe it! What's her name?" I said happily and nearly clapped my hands in a full out Rose-imitation.

"Leah, she's from the reservation as well," he explained, a content smile hovering on his face. Another weight was off my shoulders by this information. I could see with my own two eyes that Jake was doing really well, sober suited him, but now knowing he no longer held a torch for me released a lot guilt I didn't even know I had had.

"Are you crying?" Jake asked incredulously suddenly. I dried my finger across my icy cheek and realized I was. "I didn't know you were that into me, Bella," Jake joked, but careful to not laugh incase he was right.

"Oh, it's not that. I am just so relieved you're ok, Jake," I claimed and sniffled slightly again. Jake smiled widely again, but the smile twisted into a frown abruptly.

"Bella, your hand," he said and pointed towards my hand that I dried away my tears with. "That's your mother's, I remember it from the pictures," he said warily. I eyed the ring again and nodded wordlessly.

"Christmas gift from dad," I whispered after a pause. Jake nodded in reply, his face doing nothing to hide his obvious contemplation. He was aware of the strained relationship dad and I shared because he left mom, and he knew best of all that it was a minefield to open a conversation about anything closely related to this. "Who'd imagined that he'd ever give me something saying 'love conquers all'," I said darkly. "Hypocrite," I added under my breath, bitterness dripping off the final word.

Jake sat in silence and had apparently decided on letting it be. He was officially turning me over to therapy, I thought. I was glad he could move on with his life and let my troubles me mine. Not that I would ever bring any of this up in therapy, I added silently to myself.

A quarter of normal chatter passed between me and Jake, before he unwillingly got to his feet and had to leave. He did end by sending me Billy's apologies, informing me that he had told him everything when he was sober enough to do it, resulting in Billy feeling bad about blaming me. I accepted the apology and said good bye, watching his car disappear into the darkness.

I got home rather easily, not once in danger of slipping. The snow illuminated by the moon light kept guiding me towards home, soon I was in my room again and could finally bring myself to face Edward's gift.

I sat down on the bed and held the present in my palm, balancing it easily. It had a broad end, and then a narrow top. I sighed and decided to cave wildly into temptation and tore off the paper the following second.

My breath caught in my throat as I took in the uncovered item in my palm. I'd never thought anything would possibly come close to measure up to the ring dad had given me, but this gift bore such a symbolic value that would have knocked me off my feet had I not been sitting. I felt my love and trust for Edward swell inside of me, tears of pure emotions rolled down my cheek.

In my hand I held a miniature house.

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	23. Chapter 23

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

Thanks again for the brilliant reviews you feed me, and your alerts and favorites. It really helps knowing there are people out there actually reading this :p

Here's another chapter with some Alice sweetness in it. Hope you like the way Bella's secrets are revealed painfully slow, because that's they way I'm going to do it. But for you wondering if they ever will be uncovered at all, don't worry! In time, all in time.

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**Chapter 23**

It was New Years Eve. It would be far from truth saying it came quickly, rather I'd been sitting in either my rose chair or laying flat in my bed staring intently at my phone, as if to will it to ring and feed me with a social refill.

I spoke to Edward several times a day, regretting every time when we said good bye. I couldn't bring myself to tell him how miserably lonely I was, that if I had my choice our conversation would never come to an end. But I decided to hide the pathetic truth from him, let him think I enjoyed the quiet holiday time with dad. If he knew how deeply I detested being here he'd only feel sorry for me, and more importantly it would lead to questions concerning the rationale behind the loathing.

I couldn't have him pry in those places, no, I couldn't. Edward, against all odds, liked me – I didn't have to take my chances with letting him know how childishly I hated my dad. And I could manage perfectly fine without him having insight in my past.

Alice and Rose's calls were frequent as well. But with every call Alice became increasingly skeptical in her tone, asking way too much about what I had been up to all day. I made up small lies, serving her stories about how I spent time with dad and other mundane situations expected from a person relaxing over the holidays. I began fearing for her unusual perceptive character, worried she one day might figure out how pitiful I was and tell Edward. Rose seemed oblivious to my charade and offered me a lighter conversation in return. She was mostly droning on about how Emmett had swept her parent's off their feet when meeting them for the first time.

This feeble life I had in Forks felt inevitably mine, it was nothing I wanted anyone else in on – I would endure it, no matter how fucking horrible it felt then and there it would pass. Soon I would be with Edward again.

Being here again like this I was astounded by how long I had in fact lasted without going insane. This wretched silence had coated my entire teenage life. I figured I distinguished it as so much worse now because I had college life to compare it to.

I was headed out to take a walk trying to make time pass between calls from friends when I bumped into dad on the way down the stairs. I'd been avoiding him since Christmas morning, going so far as to turn my circadian rhythm so we wouldn't have these awkward moments.

His eyes flew to my hands expectantly and fixing on the ring as he located it. His lips parted as to say something, but nothing came out. I stepped impatiently past him, continuing towards the ground floor. As I'd passed him completely he gained the strength to talk. "It looks good on you," he said, turning in the stair towards me.

I halted and twisted to look at him. Overcome by anger I was unable to speak. How dared he? "This should have been mine a long time ago," I spat, my voice dripping of disgust.

My body had turned on all its offensives by him trespassing into my emotions. Where he'd ventured now was reserved for me only, no-one else would enter the relationship I had with mom. Having the ring back, on my finger, it primarily felt as a gift directly from mom. That Charlie had been the one putting it in a box was not important. It was from mom, and it was none of his business if I liked it or not.

There was little logic behind the fierce guards I put up when I felt him intruding. This was how I'd always reacted, biting his head off at any advance of his – even mentioning mom would be enough. I had got used to him leaving it be, this scenario had taken me by surprise, I'd expected him to shut up about it as he'd become quite skilled at the final years.

He didn't flinch by my tone, but even kept pressing the matter. "That's unfair, Bella, I didn't even find it until a few months ago," he chastised.

I took an intimidating step upwards, raising my index finger angrily towards him. He brought forth such anger in me, he only had to imply something that I interpret as an infringement and I'd unleash the bedlam.

"What, you tucked away her stuff and forgot all about it? Are you saying there could be more left from her somewhere, but you don't know where it is?" I snarled. "I want everything that was hers; I especially don't want you to come close to it."

Dad flinched now and his firm gaze wavered by my anger. He hated seeing me like this, and I had gotten used to playing my card of fury whenever he stepped out of line.

"I meant no harm, Bella. I just thought you'd like the ring as a reminder of…" He began in a calm excusing voice, gesturing peace with his hands. I would have no such thing, there was no forgiveness for him overstepping the boundaries I'd set.

"When you abandoned us you forfeit any permission to anything related to me and mom. You made the choice, now stay they fuck out," I screamed in a thundering voice. His protesting voice caught in his throat by the sound of my words, his face pleading. I held my poise and stood steadfast, resentment radiating. Dad's face twisted into despair, his eyes flickered sadly to the ground and then he turned to walk up the stairs in a defeated slouch.

I moved quickly out of the house and began walking off the rage to calm myself. My choice of keeping Edward ignorant to this side of me had never felt more right. I detested the feelings Charlie could bring forth, it didn't feel like the Bella was anymore. But no matter how ancient they felt, the emotions kept emerging time and time again.

I was walking so swiftly and distracted I didn't even notice where I was headed. Luckily, I knew this place by heart and couldn't get lost even if I tried. What I hadn't counted on was finding myself by the town river bank. Usually I kept my distance to this place, straying as far from it as I could possibly manage. To my recollection nothing had ever happened here to make me fear it, actually, I'd never been physically close enough to say I'd ever been here. I had it on my radar though; my anxiety control avoided this place like the plague.

The sound of the water woke me up from my seething rage, mercilessly bringing me back to reality and caught me completely off guard. I was already a tight bundle of emotions, the road to darkness was a short step away.

There were no people around, the river trailing the outskirts of the town center, I'd entered upon it in an especially deserted spot far from the bridge. Therefore there were no-one around to see my legs collapse beneath me or to observe how I, as out of nowhere, squirmed in pain. I ended up in a sitting crouch, my arms erected and holding my bent upper body from collapsing into the ground. I didn't get cold or wet, there seemed to be only patches of snow distributed unevenly across the ground here. I heaved for my breath and sobbed loudly. The sounds erupting from my mouth were unfamiliar, the kind that were completely unrestrained.

The shaking of my body soon forced my elbows to bend and I lowered my body to the ground slowly. The sandy path flanking the stream felt coarse towards the skin on my face, the quaking etching the stones back and forth into it.

Every time the mulling water came into view I experienced another wave of darkness. Between tears clarity found me and I began crawling to get it out of sight. Getting away became a progressively simpler task the further away I got, soon I managed to get up on my feet and turn the closest corner. I slid towards the brick wall into exhaustion the second the river was out of view, letting out a deep sigh of relief.

I sat with my back towards the building and my feet stretched out on the icy pavement for a long time, catching my mental breath and trying to compose myself with distracting thoughts. Anxiety's grip began to loosen after awhile and darkness turned to numbness and passive tears.

My phone rang while I was still recovering. I ignored it at first, keeping my absentminded stare into the air fixed and focusing on keeping my breath even. But, the ringing persevered resulting in me grasping for it in a resigned manner. Alice.

My fingers were bloody from digging into the ground earlier I realized. At the time neither the pain nor the action itself had been consciously perceived, but seeing them now the throbbing commenced.

I flipped my phone open, swallowed by the sight of Alice's name and straightened my back to gain focus. I was far from ready to talk to anyone, in particular Alice, but weeks of loneliness paired with depression clouded my mind.

"Hi," I croaked as I leaned my head back onto the wall behind it. Failure to utter one word without sounding suspicious, this was not going to end well.

"Bella?" Alice's voice sounded.

"Yes?" I tried innocently. Alice would have no such thing.

"What's wrong? Something's wrong, isn't it? I had this weird sensation that you were in pain all of the sudden and had to call you," she rambled, static confounding her audio transfer to me, it sounded like she was moving.

"I'm fine now, don't worry," I explained to calm her down. Just saying I was fine sounded so absurdly wrong when I sat here upset and clearly in agony, but I didn't want Alice to be troubled by it.

"Are you sure?" Alice asked apprehensively and I could imagine her usual narrow eyes peering at me in disbelief.

"Yes, everything is…" My voice broke then and withered into whimpers. I tried to stop, to draw my breath and breathe steadily again, but my lounges kept falling back to hyperventilating and cries sounded instead.

Alice fell silent for a second. "Where are you now?" She asked, her voice firm and matter-of-factly.

"Somewhere in town," I whispered and sniveled.

"Can you get home?" She asked and I heard her engine start, then roar, in the background. I cringed and cried harder just thinking about how little I wanted to go home right now. Entering the house would be the final blow to any mental muscle I had left. Alice interpret my increasing noise as a no. "Ok, can you stay where you are then? Are you safe? I'm on my way, but it'll take awhile," she continued.

"Okay," I mumbled and wept on.

"Stay on the phone, I'm on my way," she assured me. And she did, she kept the line and spoke soothingly all the way until reaching me. I had regained most of my control by the time I had to give her directions to the secluded place I sat. Her yellow Porsche pulled up in front of me and she dashed out of it hurriedly, throwing her arms around me and burying me in a tight embrace. I was all cried out by then, but it felt safe and nice with her there.

We sat in her warm car for awhile. I told her to talk to distract me and slowly I had fully regained my emotional equilibrium. She noticed the change and quit the appeasing chatter, replacing it with a stern look.

"Bella, you have to stop pretending you're fine when you're not," she chastised softly. I looked away.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"What happened?" She asked, her voice growing with interest as she spoke. I grimaced by her curiosity, this awarded me a snort from her promptly stating she would not let this slide.

"Okay," I sighed. "I had a panic attack by the river, really strong one at that," I said and flashed my bloody hands in front of her, earning a gasp. She pulled my fingers closer to see them clearer.

"We need to patch this up," she stated firmly, releasing them again. Her eyes found mine then, gazing worried at me. "Is Carlisle's therapy not working?"

"It is," I assured her quickly. "I'm just unusually instable when here," I explained shortly and hoped she'd settle for that.

"I knew there was something wrong, it was as if I could see this coming and then suddenly, as I was watching TV I had this feeling that you needed me," Alice mused and tapped her chin while speaking. "We should get you home, Bella, fix your hands and all."

I nodded involuntarily and gave her the directions. Preferably we'd sneak in and Charlie would never know I was home, but Alice refused to be hid away and entered the living room in determination. She greeted dad and shook his hand tightly. He seemed a bit confused by this little fairylike character appearing out of nowhere in his living room, then dancing back to where I stood by the stairs.

His eyes flickered quickly back to the TV screen when he met mine, the fight still in his mind. I didn't even think he noticed what a mess I was.

Alice dragged me upstairs and into the bathroom where she tended to my wounds thoroughly. I winced in pain under her touch, she regarded me reprimanding. "Stop being a baby," she said motherly and continued. "At least this is not as bad as I hear Eric was hurt," she muttered in a dark tone, a pleased tint shining through as she said it. I gasped.

"Alice? What did you do?" I took my free hand to my mouth, covering it in surprise and horror. Images of a raging Alice with a shovel in her hands flashed into my head.

"I didn't do anything," she denied and adverted my stare. "But I hear he got beaten up pretty badly, they say it was a perfect stranger just mauling him one night out of the blue. Blind violence is such a sad thing, no?" Alice continued nonchalantly.

"What?" I stammered. Her words contradicted her entire tone completely, there was no doubt in my mind she'd had something to do with this.

"I also heard," she carried on, same monotone dark voice, "he's dropped out of school and will not return ever again."

I eyed her in shock as she turned to the cotton pads and grabbed another. "Did you…" My voice trailed off as she met my eyes warningly.

"He's gone now," she said sternly. "Let's not talk about it again."

I breathed shallowly, my head spinning by the thought of Alice doing this to someone. But then I was reminded who this special someone was. Eric. He was no saint, and it seemed he was still alive. And he was gone.

"Thank you," I said then, my gratitude towards Alice expanding inside of me. She smiled crookedly.

"For what?" She said innocently and shrugged. We shared a smirk.

She worked slowly, first washing away the blood before turning to the dozens of cuts parading my hands.

"So," she began after awhile, not looking up from her studious patching up of my fingers. "Edward has been calling you a lot," she remarked and masked a cunning smile.

"He has," I stated in a monotone voice. Damned be her perceptiveness.

"And Tanya is gone now," she continued, conniving tone still obvious.

"Yes," I said warily, instinctively retreating my hand from her grasp, trying to get away from her scheming. She would have no such thing and grabbed my hand a bit too hardly and tugged it back towards her, sliding the cotton with disinfectant on it over my wounds. I winced.

"I guess you could imagine, if there'd been anything going on between you in secret when Tanya was there, that you wouldn't have to hide it anymore," she said blankly. My cheeks flushed and Alice's lips widened in a triumphant smile.

"I guess," I said carefully. She reached for the band-aids in a nonchalant movement, still keeping her gaze planted on my fingers.

"But," she sighed theatrically. "That wouldn't happen, because we're such good friends that you'd told me a long time ago," her voice had a sharp sting to it now.

"Alice," I exhaled noisily. She huffed offended. "It's complicated!"

"I let it slip that you two were inappropriate behind Tanya's back," she said, now not hesitating meeting my eyes. "Mostly because she was a retard," she added with an evil grin. "But I expected that the day my brother and you start having a relationship you'd at least tell me," she whined. I realized she was partly offended that I didn't trust her enough to tell her, but also somewhat disappointed she'd missed of on gossip.

"Cousin," I added dryly.

"He is like a brother," she sulked in response.

"You're my best friend, Alice, I didn't tell you because of the implications our relationship has," I elucidated, she furrowed her brows in confusion. "I'm not only seeing Dr. Cullen, Edward is assigned to my trial as well, he has been since the beginning," I blurted, my body tensed as I awaited her response. She was the first person who knew, this could be really, really bad.

Her eyes widened first in surprise, then she took a pause before speaking. "So you're dating your therapist?" she said, a smile playing on her lips. I relaxed by her humorous response.

"He's not my therapist, or well, not as much anymore," I nudged her, she giggled slightly. "He was in the beginning, and we stayed away from each other because of it," I explained further.

"When he kissed you that time?" she gasped as she puzzled it together. "I knew it was an unusually weird reaction, he refused to speak of it as well. Oh, enlightenment is such a liberation," she said happily. "Go on," she pressed.

"Yeah, well, we didn't really succeed at the whole staying away one hundred percent," I said somewhat sarcastically. "But there's been an insane attraction the whole time. And with Tanya gone we've decided to not fight it anymore."

Alice grinned widely. "That's great! You can be the best man and maid of honor in our wedding now!"

"That was our intentional plan all along, your wedding arrangement was constantly in our minds," I remarked wryly.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I'm happy you're together for your own sake as well, but for my sake as well," she smirked and patched up my final finger. White band-aids now adorned eight of my ten fingers. "Oh, I get it. Carlisle," Alice said suddenly, her smile fading.

"Yes," I agreed with dismay. "He's not so lenient on the whole professional ethics."

"He'd go ballistic," Alice stated outright, her face twisted into horror. "How you plan to solve that piece of the puzzle?" She asked intrigued and anxiously at the same time.

"Wait until I'm all well before he knows, then he can't really object, can he? I mean, I will be fine then," I more asked then stated towards Alice. She grimaced.

"I don't know, there will be hell to pay in any way, I can imagine," she said. "He's really strict when it comes to his professional lines. But I can't imagine he will break you up or anything, especially not if you're already fixed and took no harm from it. But what he'll do towards Edward when he finds out…" Her voice trailed off while she considered the ramifications.

We didn't speak of it anymore then. I decided to take her to my room to bring on a new scenario. I strolled into it and sat down on my bed while watching her enter, then halting in shock. She took her time taking in the room, letting her eyes wander as she meticulously spanned the entire area, before turning to me with a disbelieving gaze.

"This is your room?" She said dubiously. I nodded in response. "But, this is nothing like you. I once heard you say that teddy bears were the spawn of evil, Bella." She pointed at the bears scattered around as she said it.

"It's been like this for ages," I shrugged.

"You expect me to believe you ever were like this? 'Nsync on pink walls? Sorry to say it, Bella, but it looks like Rose threw up in here."

I sighed, it was getting tiresome with her poking her nose into things no-one else cared about – or would have noticed. "It's been the same since I moved here when I was younger, dad had it decorated. I haven't touched it at all."

"He didn't know you very well, did he?" she asked curiously and crawled up into bed next to me. We sat Indian-style facing each other now. I shook my head silently.

"When the cancer got the best of her I hadn't seen my father since I was seven," I muttered. Alice puckered her forehead disapprovingly but let me continue. "We've never been close," I added offhandedly.

"This house has a chilling presence, I feel as if it sucks the life out of me. You look so miserable just crossing the threshold," Alice pointed out concerned. "Seems my worries about you being unhappy here weren't nearly big enough, you've had a wretched holiday, haven't you?" Her voice became sad as she realized it, and by my confirming nod she leaned forwards and hugged me tightly.

"She died around Christmas," I admit silently into her hair. "From that time I've refused to make this holiday merry; there is no way I am celebrating the memory of her death," I whispered poignantly. Alice held me firmly while I let myself cry again. There wasn't much darkness overtaking me this time, this all about cleansing pure sadness.

An unfamiliar sound broke our embrace, Alice grimaced and pulled up her phone. "Ops, Edward," she mumbled guiltily and grinned lopsided as she answered. "Hello, Edward," she said strained. She was silent as he obviously spoke, soon cringing in response. "Yes, I'm sitting next to her now," she replied, then nodding before turning on the speaker.

"It's on, so stop shouting," Alice announced and put the phone down on the mattress between us.

"I can't believe you took off without telling me," Edward fumed through the phone. Alice bit her lip in silence and sent me a begging look.

"Don't blame her, Edward, she stayed on the line with me to calm me down," I explained to Alice's vindication.

"Bella! Are you ok?" Edward said in a loving voice.

"I'm fine, Alice took good care of me," I insisted and hugged her quickly again.

"I still think she could have told me," he muttered lowly. "Will you be back in time for the party, Alice? Esme is already fretting over not knowing how many plates to set for the dinner," he sighed. "And Bella probably wants to resume spending her new years eve with her dad."

"Yes, I'm headed home soon, but tell Esme to set the table for one more. I'm kidnapping Bella and bringing her with me," Alice said decisively and beamed a smile towards me.

"Really?" Edward and I mirrored confusedly.

"I'm not letting you stay here a second longer, Bella," Alice stated firmly. "Pack your things," she snapped the order before taking up the phone again. "We'll see you soon, Edward!"

I felt sparks jolting inside of me. I'd see him soon.

------

**Alice is the greatest, isn't she? I know it's a bit disturbing to see the relationship between Bella and Charlie like this, but that's just they way things have turned out between them.**

**Edward's godlike presence the next chapter, probably with some lemons ;)**

**Reviews and comments are accepted happily, nice to know if you're reading and how you like it.  
**


	24. Chapter 24

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

_Thank you so much for the enthusiasm you guys bring. My appreciation is beyond words! Hope you continue your questions and comments like always. Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, I intended it to be a very long one but had to cut it due to lack of time on my side - work all weekend. There's some reuniting lemony goodness for you this time, I promise there's going to be alot more following in the future ;)_

_Enjoy!_

_---_

**Chapter 24**

It felt rather otherworldly pulling up the immense driveway in front of the Cullen mansion in Alice's pricey Porsche. This severely contrasted the frugality I was used to in my life. Alice read my stunned face and informed me how the money came from her mother's family.

I nearly expected a servant to come running out of the big double doors underneath the Ancient Greek-inspired pillared entrance to grab my suitcase and carry it promptly into the house. Alice huffed from behind and made an exhausted heave as she put my baggage in front of me.

"It's so tiny, I don't understand how it can be so heavy," she complained and pushed it towards me in a resigned sigh. I smiled lopsided in return and lifted it into the air with a firm grip while chasing after her ineptly.

She pushed the doors open for me and waited patiently by the doorstep. "Don't worry about me, I'm fine," I muttered exasperated as I pulled the case up the final doorstep. She grinned evilly and disappeared into the entrance hall. I took a determined breath and dragged it into the house.

Alice was already undressing as I entered. The vestibule was amazingly architected, the Greek theme consistent indoors as well. Two large white stairs flanked the entrance coming together to a single opening to the second floor above me. A door led straight forwards underneath to what I guessed would be some sort of living room, and one door on my left and right led to closed off parts as well.

"You didn't tell me you lived in a castle," I muttered to Alice and regarded in awe the paintings hanging on the walls. I bet they were all originals.

"Hardly a castle, a mansion perhaps, but a small one at that," Alice said rolling her eyes and began unbuttoning my coat for me like I was an imbecile unable to undress myself. "No time to stare at the structural designs, dinner will be ready soon," she fret and eased my jacket off my shoulders.

My peripheral caught two shadows moving and I twirled to face what I had figured was the living room. I recognized Dr. Cullen's handsome features instantly and was hardly surprised seeing him next to the staggering brunette that was his wife, Esme. This family had to be genetically tempered with, I thought sulkily to myself.

"Isabella, nice to see you again," Dr. Cullen greeted in a friendly, yet professional tone. Esme smiled widely and shook my hand. "This is my wife, and Alice's mother, Esme," he introduced.

"Pleasure to meet you, Bella," she said, "is Bella ok? I heard you preferred it to Isabella," she ended in a sweet motherly voice.

"Yes, its fine," I managed to say, a bit taken aback by this picture perfect family situation.

And speaking of perfect, above and behind Esme and Carlisle I saw Edward, magnificently dressed in a dark suit and white shirt, move out of the door from the second floor. He walked casually over to the rail and leaned towards it in a relaxed pose. His lips curved into a smile making it impossible for me to keep myself from beaming one back at him. The Cullen's next to me turned to view what had caught my attention, and I grimaced by the transparent display of affection I had let slip. And in front of Carlisle, of all people. I mentally slapped myself.

"Look who's finally decided to grant us with his holy presence," Esme said jokingly towards him. Carlisle turned to me again, his face composed and annoyingly blank. I had no idea how little it would take before he would be able to see through our camouflage. We hadn't actually had a roll of success in that department previously, and now with a famous shrink watching our every move together I couldn't help but to fidget nervously with the handle of my bag.

"Mind carrying her bag, Edward? It's filled with stones and bricks," Alice grumbled. Sudden gratitude towards Alice's sneakiness filled me, I knew she was giving us some much needed time alone. It was not favorable for any part if I was kept deprived of Edward much longer, it would probably be preferable if I didn't throw myself at him under dinner. "I'll help Esme with the food," she offered and received a thankful nod from the chef in return.

"That'd be great, Alice. I've readied the guestroom next to Alice's room," Esme informed, turning to Edward as she finished. He was already on his way down the stairs.

I couldn't believe I was this close to him. I had mentally prepped myself for at least two weeks without a dose of Edward. Seeing him close the final space between us with easy steps had my blood storm inside of me in happiness. I couldn't delay touching him much longer.

As he slid his hand around the handle his fingers brushed mine and a spark of electricity raged through me. My hand jerked away by the contact instinctively and I saw how he hid a pleased smirk by my reaction.

"See you in a bit," Alice sang and led her parents with her into the living room. Edward began carrying the suitcase up the stairs in silence, I followed obediently.

We made it half ways up, his eyes flickered to the doorway as the three members of his family disappeared fully, before he sat down my bag and turned to me. I looked up at him and met his burning eyes. The second it took for him to reach me was like an eternity. His hands cupped my face and urgent lips covered mine. My arms flew to surround his back and press him closer to me.

We were at an awkward angle with him standing a step above me, so he grabbed my waist and forced me up to his level. Without letting his deep kisses pause he positioned me the only way we could stand without inconvenienced by the stair's narrowness – towards the white walls.

I felt his body press towards mine, his soft lips relentlessly on mine. Blood rushed to my face by the desire filling me by the feel of his body towards mine like this. I wanted to have him to take me right there, up against the wall, not caring if anyone saw.

The thought brought me somewhat back to reality. Dr. Cullen. He could walk in any time. I slid my hands up to Edwards face and pushed him gently away while slowing my kisses. His eyes were still flickering intensely and he kissed me passionately once more as if refusing to quit completely.

"Dr. Cullen," I managed to say between panting and saw how the name stroke a chord in him, bringing his self control back rapidly.

"Let me show you your room," Edward whispered in a hoarse voice. I shivered by his breath on my skin and took his hand. His fingers brushed the ring and his eyes flickered to it briefly. "New ring?"

"Gift from dad," I said vaguely hoping he wouldn't implore further about it. He led me up the stairs and we entered a carpet covered hallway leading straight through the length of the house, ending in another staircase to another floor. He paused by the last door in the hallway and flung the door open.

"Alice's room is the one next door," he explained and put my suitcase down on the floor. I closed the door behind me quietly, eyes fixed on his all the while, my back turned to the door. As the click sounded from my fingers turning the lock behind my back I smirked by the thrill pulsating inside of me. I rushed towards him, out lips meeting violently.

I'd never experienced anything remotely close to this burning desire completely taking me over. Our kisses were far from restrained and tender, they were brutal and crazed. I craved to express my yearning physically forcing my aggressive lips on his, but it wasn't enough.

His hands pulled me closer, then descending down my back, over my ass and then in an abrupt movement he hunched down and flung me into his arms. I gasped excitedly and let him carry me to the bed.

He put me down and lay down besides me, his breath heavy from the lack of air. "I missed you so much," he whispered, his face inches away from mine now. I let my index finger trail his temple.

"I missed you, too," I replied softly and inched closer him to close the slight gap between us.

We'd calmed somewhat down now, the kisses that commenced now were far from fueled by the same fury. He leaned forwards and slowly, painfully slowly, his lips touched mine in a tender brush. I felt his breath on my skin and my lips parted hopefully. He smiled by my expectant gaze and drew back teasingly. I stretched displeased towards him wanting his lips on mine. He emit a low chuckle by my impatience and used his hands to hold me in place. His face ducked instead of going near my mouth, showering my neck and throat with tender kisses. I whimpered in pleasure and felt the pleasure paralyze me. I didn't move hoping it would never come to an end. His teeth bit my skin gently causing me to dig my fingers into his back in excitement.

"You ok?" His voice sounded worried from my throat, I knew he referred to my reaction the last time we'd been making out in his bed.

"Yes," I replied securely, "don't stop," I pleaded, he obeyed.

Encouraged by the electrifying kisses I put my leg around his waist and bent my knee to push him closer towards me. He let out an excited growl by my advance in my throat charging another round of jolts inside of me. His hands went to the bottom of my sweater and began easing it up towards my head. I sat up slightly to assist him and pulled it off in a swift movement.

I reached for his shirt and began unbuttoning his white shirt. He resumed kissing my neck making me fumble with the buttons in sheer pleasure by his lips. Soon his upper body was devoid of any clothes, I couldn't resist the perfectly toned chest unveiled and began kissing it. He leaned back in a moan, I crawled on top of him, straddling my legs around him while moving up to kiss his neck. His arms flung around my waist and pushed me down towards him and we both groaned by the sensation.

His fingers found my bra lock and unhinged it gently, removing it and tossing it to the floor. I immediately felt uneasy by being fully exposed and instinctively covered by breasts.

Edward looked wonderingly up at me before grabbing my shoulders and rolling me over into the bed. He crawled on top of me positioning his face over mine. "You're incredibly beautiful, Bella," he said sincerely. "Your body makes me crazy," he continued and sighed happily in defeat. I relaxed by his words, sliding my fingers through his bronze hair and pushed him closer to me.

Our lips met yet again, I dared to shoot the tip of my tongue out and caressed his upper lip with it. Edward pressed harder towards me by my advance and I felt his soft tongue meet mine the next second. He tasted so unbelievably sweet.

While occupying my mouth with his tongue he slowly slid his hand up my abdomen and towards my chest. Slowly he reached my breast and cupped it with his warm palm. His kissed slowed just the tiniest bit then, I opened my eyes and saw he was looking questioning at me, as if asking if I was ok. I rolled my eyes and searched for his tongue once again.

His fingers began circling my nipple, trailing the shape of my breast. I shivered by his touch and felt how my nipple was rock hard and screaming to be stroked. I whimpered and pushed towards his fingers, desperately yearning for him to focus on the center, receiving a chuckle from him into my mouth. His complying fingers brushed my nipple then, first briefly, then gently rubbing it.

The sensation excited me beyond words, my back perched in delight and a moan slipped from my lips. Edward smiled and kissed a trail from my neck and down towards my chest. Soon his lips were on it instead, his teeth softly sweeping my nipple and his lips sucking it. I felt like I was going crazy already, when his other hand went to my other breast and began the same procedure on this as he had the first time.

I was overcome by heavy sighs of pleasure, small whimpers escaping my mouth by the feel of his lips and fingers. My hands rested at the back of his head, pushing him closer in ecstasy.

His mouth went further down then, his kisses tickling their way across my stomach before reaching the hem of my jeans. He sat up slightly and unbuttoned my jeans while fixing his green eyes on mine, I was certain mine were glowing of the same elation his were.

He pulled my jeans off while caressing my legs as they were inched into view, leaving my white panties on. He kissed my knee softly and tossed my pants to the floor before crawling back to lie besides me again. He nuzzled me closer and kissed my lips again, I kissed him back passionately and folded my arms around his back as well. His hands followed my vertebra all the way down to my ass, took hold of it and pushed me closer towards him. He growled between my lips.

I moved my leg to wrap around his waist, his growls increasing. We were as intertwined as we could possibly get now, I felt his warm upper body towards mine and his urgent hands pushing me closer. I reached down to his pants and began opening them, I couldn't restrain myself any longer, my body demanded more of him right now.

Just as I was about to dip my hand into his unbuttoned pants a rasp sounded on the door. We froze instantly, fully aware of our nakedness. He released his grip on me and I reached for my bra on the floor to cover myself up. "It's locked," I whispered reminding and he exhaled lowly in relief.

"Edward, we need help setting the table," Alice's voice sounded.

"I'll be right there," his hoarse voice replied, a sharpness to it.

Alice's footsteps faded away into the hallway then. I had on my bra and pants by now and Edward looked disappointed at me. I sent him a sad lopsided smile in return.

He dressed himself swiftly before taking me in his arms again. He kissed my nose softly and then my forehead. "I can't wait getting back to where we left off later," he whispered promising. I shivered in anticipation and kissed him on his mouth.

"Can't we both fake being sick?" I asked pouting. He smirked and kissed me again.

"Soon," he replied confidently. He released me again. "We'll be in the dining room downstairs when you're ready," he explained and left me.

It took me a few minutes to come back down to earth from our heated session in the bed. I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water in my face in hopes of my faint blush would dwindle down before dinner. I met my own eyes in the mirror and grinned sheepishly back at myself, I was still so damn turned on there were no words for it. I'd have to bolt myself to the chair not to undress Edward in front of everyone.

Everyone including Carlisle, I reminded myself and grimaced. After on sliding my shiny new black dress from Rose complimenting it with the green earrings and a pair of high heeled rhinestone sandals I'd discovered in the back of my closet when back home.

I decided to put on some makeup. It would make Alice's day to see me make an effort, and it would hopefully make me feel less misplaced when sitting in between the members of this picture perfect family.

The rest of the house was as awe-inspiring as I had imagined, antiques practically overflowing all around. Voices coming from downstairs guided me towards the dining room. I couldn't make out who the voices belonged to, but I could easily discern that they were heated and sharp, like a hushed argument.

I stepped quietly into the doorway to the dining room where Carlisle, Edward and Alice stood around a massive oak table with plates in their hands. Alice and Dr. Cullen's faces were bent into stern glares at each other, Edward on the other hand had his head down in a submissive bow of his neck. I'd stepped right into their conversation, oblivious to my entrance they continued it with me as their witness.

"You've got to admit you can take it to extreme lengths," Alice pressed in a frustrated tone, putting a white porcelain plate down angrily. Dr. Cullen heaved his arms into the air by her suggestion after putting his last platter down.

"I don't see any fault in it," he countered with his hands now resting on his hips in a hostile pose. Alice was not visibly intimidated by him, which surprised me, because I was shaken to my core by seeing Dr. Cullen furious.

"Maybe you should reconsider your vision," Alice retorted. Edward sighed passively from his side of the table at Alice's snap at Dr. Cullen. Dr. Cullen's eyes narrowed to slits at her comment and he raised his index finger towards her irately.

"Don't you talk like that to me, you are far from biased yourself in the matter," he spoke didactically in a paternal voice. Alice shrugged his admonishing off and snorted disrespectfully. I nearly gasped out loud by how simply she handled his threatening authoritarian being.

"At least my case is supported by others," Alice rejoined. Dr. Cullen's pressed his lips together hardly by this statement.

"What are you guys fussing about out there?" Esme's voice sounded from the kitchen. She entered the room shortly after carrying a tray of turkey meat, followed by Jasper holding a salad bowl. "Oh, you look amazing, Bella," she said towards where I stood and smiled friendly. Alice and Edward twirled around quickly, their faces mortified by my presence. I didn't dare glimpse at how Dr. Cullen reacted.

"Bella!" Alice burst out in surprise, her eyes wide and with a hand covering her mouth. Edward looked just as horrified by learning of my attendance. They both seemed at a loss for words, exchanging glances of vexation between themselves.

"Hey again," I offered carefully, throwing in a smile to show them I wasn't offended by being victim to their fight. Actually, I was quite happy having ascertained information that contradicted my idea of them being a perfect family.

Alice brushed the lap of her blue dress nervously. Jasper put his bowl down while returning my smile. "Hope you're hungry!"

"Yes, can't wait, Alice has told me all about Esme's famous culinary skills," I replied. I approached Alice and stood next to her, ready to take my seat. What I really wanted was to go kiss Edward and sit down next to him, but I had to remember that it was my friendship to Alice that was the reason I was here, not my romantic relationship to Edward. He sat down next to Alice, completely out of my view. That was for the best, I thought to myself, now I couldn't be distracted by him. Or tempted. I masked a grin by the latter thought.

"Dig in," Esme encouraged from across me and passed me the salad.

The meal went by without any big embarrassing moments, a clear success on my part. I noticed Dr. Cullen averting any direct conversation with both me and Alice, which seemed to infuriate Alice when she took notice of it and in a rebellious behavior kept asking him random questions just to piss him off.

Edward ate in remarkable silence, chatted normally when needed, but in general acting timid in a way I had not before experienced. Alice had always been more conversational and strong opinioned compared to him, but he'd never been this diffident to my knowledge. But, I realized, Alice had never portrayed this level of revolt before either. My thoughts flickered to the episode back home where I had told my dad off – being with your family unveiled many unfamiliar emotional responses in the best of us.

Esme was the true personification of a perfect host and housewife. She kept the conversation flowing, shooting neutral questions and themes into the strained atmosphere and did her best as to not make me feel uncomfortable. Jasper assisted her kindly, answering her questions and sending me assuring smiles across the table.

Their fretting was needless. I wasn't at all bothered by the atmosphere, I was concentrating so hard not to do or blurt out something ridiculous throughout the entire dinner feeling as if I was having dinner with Edward's family for the first time - and not dining with the family of my best friend, which was the real situation. I was rather happy they didn't focus on me at all.

Alice had informed me in the car that Dr. Cullen and Esme were taking off after dinner to go to some fancy party somewhere else, leaving us kids in charge of the house. She'd told me this was the regular procedure for several years now, and that the following New Years Eve party at the Cullen's residence was famous among the rich and powerful children. No wonder I had never heard of it until now.

Apparently the house would be overflowing with pretty and wealthy people in a matter of hours from now. I shivered by the thought of it. This day normally reserved for slack pants, Star Wars marathon and a bowl of popcorn I was somewhat intimidated by having to interact and act normal, frightened that the daily quota on the latter perhaps had been depleted during dinner.

"I trust you won't burn down the house," Esme said in her tender motherly voice. "I've removed the valuables and breakable stuff," she added. My eyebrows shot towards the roof – there was more?

Alice chuckled sardonically. "She's afraid of a '06 reprise," she added. Esme sniffed irritated when Jasper and Edward chuckled as well.

"'06?" I implored interested.

"A friend of Rose threw up on her fur coat," Alice giggled.

Esme sent Alice a piercing glare. "My grand mother's beautiful coat, generations of future Cullen women were to bear it in pride, not some homeless person who got lucky at the scrap heap." I was a bit surprised by Esme's deep feelings about the matter and made a mental note to myself not to throw up on any of her stuff. "Anyway, I'm making sure it won't happen again," Esme added slowly.

Low chuckles sounded for awhile, I could only guess it had been a pretty funny sight. Dr. Cullen kept quiet and ate with such swift movements there was no doubt he was still annoyed.

After dinner we went into the living room, Jasper and Edward in discussion about some psychological theory. Alice danced next to me while we walked towards the sofa.

"I bet you had a nice welcome," she whispered devilish and smirked. I blushed instantly and stammered embarrassed. I distracted myself from the humiliation by fixating my eyes on the TV. Jasper was turning up the sound on some sit-com while bringing the discussion to an end. Edward sat down next to me in the three-person sofa, his face blank. I was incredibly aware of his body next to mine, it didn't help much on the electricity when his fingers brushed to caress mine softly. I glanced quickly at him, but he was staring straight ahead intently watching TV. Alice huffed besides me by his gesture, but said nothing.

I eyed the back of Jasper's neck curiously. I wondered if Alice or Edward had told him about us, or if he was in the dark as the rest of the world seemed to be. I figured Edward would have told me if he'd said something, but Alice might have indulged him for all I knew.

Esme and Dr. Cullen entered the room with their coats on, seemingly ready to leave. Edward's hand coiled into a ball and he shifted in his seat to increase the distance between us.

"Well, we're off," Dr. Cullen said. "Behave," he added commandingly. Edward nodded next to me in response.

"Have a nice evening, kids. Next time we see you it'll be a whole new year," Esme said cheerily. New year, old problems, I thought darkly and felt a sting of longing for R2-D2 and salty popcorn.

The second their backs were turned Edward's hand was on mine again, his body leaning towards mine once more as well. I relaxed towards his shoulder and let myself be carried away by the easy entertainment from the TV-screen.

Alice's cell vibrated half an hour later. "Rose'll be here any second now, she's got Emmett with her as well. And that dreadful Victoria," she announced.

"Vomit-Victoria," Jasper added with a chuckle and turned his head towards Alice when speaking. His eyes shot to Edward's hand covering mine regarding it for the briefest second. His only response was a cocked eyebrow of surprise, but he turned his attention back to the TV the next second.

Edward squeezed my hand once after Jasper had turned back around and I saw a pleased smile rest on his lips. I couldn't help but to smile myself, now he definitely knew.

---------

**Leave it to the Cullen's to perfect a uncomfortable dinner! **

**How do you like the chapter? I live for your comments and reviews, please leave one for me!**


	25. Chapter 25

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

_Phew, this was a long one. All for you guys! Thank you so much for the reviews you leave behind, they mean the world! I'm going away for a week now, so I made this one a bit lenghty to make up for an entire 7 days without Bella's craziness. You could always re-read the previous chapters, I'm sure you'll understand a bit more of what went on earlier now that the plot is slowly unraveling._

_To answer some questions: yes, they will have full blown sex soon, but there are other important stuff to be covered before I can get to that. Like Edward/Carlisle relationship in this chapter, which is important for the storyline. Yes, they will resume the therapy soon. Yes, Bella's secrets will be revealed in the end (in that department there's alot you'll find shocking when unveiled, I am sure ;)_

_Keep hanging in there and enjoy the fresh chapter - and as many of you requested, with the arguement revealed _

_-----  
_

**Chapter 25**

It was hard to miss Rose's arrival. She flung the doors open and yelled a cheery 'hello!' into the hallway sounding all the way to the living room where we sat. Alice chuckled besides me and got up to meet her. I joined her as she made her way to the front door in a dancing motion.

Emmett and a fiercely red-haired girl stood next to Rose who jumped up and down while clapping as she saw us approach. "Bella! Alice!" She shouted happily, like two years had passed and not barely two weeks since we last saw each other. She sprinted down the hallway and threw herself at us, pulling our several inches shorter bodies close to hers. "I've missed you so much!"

I drew back from the awkward hug, public display of affection like this still not my thing. Alice stayed a few more seconds in the hug embracing her back whole heartedly.

"Are you ok, Bella? Alice told me about Eric, I'm so sorry," Rose whispered in my direction. I nodded assuring her way, hoping she wouldn't worry about it. I was really fine again now. I got lucky having escaped, and now Edward's presence in my life overshadowed any negative emotions connected to the incident. Rose didn't have to know those details, a firm nod would have to suffice.

Rose wore an outrageously tight-fitted golden dress. I found it hard not to stare and ponder my sexual orientation by the way her body looked in it. Victoria, the red head, shook my hand with a reserved hand. I couldn't make out if she was the silent type or just conceited, her eyes fell coolly on me and her smile held the slightest hint of strained twitch.

Emmett barged into the living room after greeting us. I could hear deep bass voices in the faint background followed by the clangor of glass.

"Emmett found the liquor cabinet," Alice noted dryly. Rose giggled at the popping sound of a champagne bottle being opened.

"I've got a date with the glorious bubbles," Rose announced gleefully. We followed her into the living room where the boys had already begun drinking. I felt a sting of jealousy, having a slight buzz would make this evening so much more tolerable.

The dreaded social elite began pouring through the doors from then. It wasn't as I had feared, it was worse – and then some. Alice stayed supportively by my side introducing me to people as they passed us by, frequently leaving me stunned to silence by their beauty. How was it rich people were also the prettiest? Shiny hair, glowing eyes and spotless skin were all I could see.

Edward was at all times surrounded by a flock of people. Jasper and he stood casually by the TV constantly encircled by a group of fans. I did recognize a few faces from the parties I'd been to before, but it dawned on me that I had never talked to anyone – they had to see me as the weird pity friend of Alice's who repeatedly kept making scenes.

I regarded Edward's social skills in awe, slowly becoming conscious to the fact that he was actually immensely capable of handling a flock of people. Edward, I realized, was popular. This was probably why he could get away with acting bored from socializing without being shunned. I admired him from a distance, sipping absentmindedly from my water, he was practically glowing now that he had to be a host.

He sent me a quick glance across the room suddenly, catching me in my marveling stare. I blushed and grinned sheepishly by being caught in the act, he lowered his head and smirked into his champagne by my guilty response. Alice broke my focus with a quick jab to my side with her elbow.

"Are you listening?" She questioned frustrated, I grimaced remorsefully not even aware of the fact that she'd been speaking at all. She sighed, her eyes flickering in Edward's direction knowingly, then looked back at me. "Tanya just walked in," she informed me in a strained mutter.

My eyes flew to the doorway instantly as Tanya made her entrance into the room. And what an entrance, indeed. If Edward was the prom king, she would be his queen. She looked like the ying to his yang. The second she was through the door masses began swirling around her like she was a human magnet and they were pieces of metal. Those she graced with her attention stammered and blushed.

How could I not have noticed this before? I figured I'd been too busy being consumed by Edward I hadn't noticed what a massive power couple they had to have been. We're talking David and Victoria Beckham, and now David was secretly dating me.

Edward eyed her warily from the other side of the room before jumping back into the ongoing conversation around him. I felt an icy feeling spread inside of me. Now that he saw her brilliant being, would he remember how great they were together? Her stunning looks couldn't be easy to miss, either. Tanya grinned widely catching his glance, tossed her strawberry blonde hair behind her shoulder and made her way through the crowd to reach him.

In one second she'd virtually intertwined herself with Edward, sliding her arm around his and leaning her head to his shoulder while smiling towards the gathered flock of people. Like nothing was out of the ordinary she entered the conversation while keeping her firm lock on Edward's arm, standing so close to him there was no mistaking them for a couple.

"Bitch," Alice fumed next to me. I jumped slightly by her unexpected profane language. "Don't worry, she's just trying to mend the disgrace she suffered when they broke up," Alice informed me kindly with concerned eyes.

I did all I could not to fall apart in front of everyone, all though I had good practice in doing just that – especially in front of these people, I clung to the thinning thread of sanity that remained inside of me. He wanted me, he had chosen me and we were safe. I could trust him. I repeated this inside of myself slowly steadying my breath as a result of the following serenity.

"I wish you could just go public, this is ridiculous," Alice continued acidly. "But if these people get any idea of your thing, Carlisle would know in less then a minute," she ended sadly, rubbing my arm supportively.

"It's ok," I said in a monotone voice, certain that if I let myself have any sort of emotional attachment now I would be overcome and end up screaming the next second. I was detached. I could survive seeing Tanya stroking Edward tenderly and rubbing towards him like a lovesick puppy.

Edward stood uncomfortable next to her trying to escape her hold without making it too obvious. He was not successful, Tanya's feline hands like claws digging into their prey. I would not be against turning her into a puddle of road kill and kept glancing nervously towards them while trying to keep up an unaffected charade when speaking to Alice.

Rose joined us, her voice already taken on the faintest slur. "This is the best party ever!" Rose's liveliness offended me, to me there was not much worth welcome about this moment in time. I quickly wiped away my initial scowl remembering she was oblivious to the relationship Edward and I shared.

"Glad you like it, just keep Vomit-Victoria away from the coat hangers," Alice remarked wryly. Rose threw her head back in a hearty laugh at this, I even joined in with a few chuckles for good measure, although stealing a glance towards the TV at the same time. Edward still with Tanya. Breathe.

"I see Edward has returned to his old self, if I'm not mistaken he even looks like he enjoys himself," Rose observed drunkenly. I cringed visibly, but gathered myself as quickly as I could not to tip Rose off.

Alice's forehead puckered in response. "Really? I'd say he looked a bit uneasy at the moment," she commented offhandedly, gesturing with a head tilt for Rose to study him. Rose turned to regard him then back again, her face thoughtful.

"You're right, but he was fine before Tanya got here. I guess he finds it difficult to interact normally with her after the breakup. Oh, I wish they would get back together, they've got to be like the prettiest couple ever," Rose mused, then turning enthusiastic to them again. "You think they might hook up tonight? Oh, that would rock!" She exclaimed and nodded excited at her own proposal. Alice grabbed her arm and began pulling her towards the doorway.

"Let's go check out the champagnes in the kitchen, Rose," Alice pressed and turned her head to me with an apologetic expression. I offered her a slumped smile signaling it was ok. After Alice had extracted Rose I was left alone in the midst of mingling happy people celebrating New Year's Eve. With exception of Emmett who was leading a roaring drinking game in one corner of the room, I had no-one to talk to. Unless I threw myself into the growing circle of fans assembling around the popular kids, my boyfriend and his ex – I'd rather eat glass.

So I stayed silently in my comfort corner continuing my lazy sips of water. I desperately tried to keep glaring at Tanya and Edward like a psychopath, but finding it hard to resist my eyes flickering in their direction.

"They are breathtaking, don't you agree?" A voice sounded next to me suddenly. I'd been lost in another stare in their direction, and obviously not successful in staying discreet. I turned to face the girl who had approached me. She was the regular super-human as the rest of them, long blonde hair falling down to her shoulders and blue intense eyes fixating on mine.

"Uh, excuse me?" I stammered shaken up by her watchful gaze resting coolly on me.

The arched an eyebrow and tilted her head towards Edward and Tanya. "Cullen and Denali, I've noticed you are as stunned by them as I am, hardly keeping your eyes off them for a second," she remarked casually, drinking of her champagne. "I'm just as baffled by how well they fit together myself, everyone was really happy when they finally got together this fall," she said while looking at them.

I tried to remain unruffled by her comments, but seemed unable to help taking in every single word like being read my death sentence. "I'm Irina, by the way," she shook my hand pleasantly.

"Bella," I managed to reply, voice shaking audibly.

She eyed me scrutinizing, nearly leaning towards condescending. "You're not a regular at these things," she stated frankly. I knew what she was indirectly implying, that I didn't belong to any fancy family.

"No, I live with Rosalie and know Alice," I muttered shamefully from not being worthy.

Her brows curved slightly. "Hale and Cullen? Quite the friends for someone who's not from the closest circles," she said impressed. "Hale has always been quite the free-spirited girl, I was convinced she was mentally unstable hearing she'd decided to stay in a dorm and not an apartment," Irina said disapprovingly. I gulped. I was both mentally unstable and living in a dorm, I thought.

"She's great," I pointed out weakly in her defense. To me her choice of residence had changed my life, I would forever be grateful for both her friendship and her introducing me to Edward and Alice. Right now I found myself regretting having to socialize with the rest of their snobby friends.

Irina sighed and smiled patronizingly. "I'm sure she must come off as a fairytale princess to you." I bit my teeth together hardly by the insult. "And Edward over there like the enchanting prince. Next to _his_ princess," she added acidly.

"What?" I whispered nervously.

"I see your longing stares, I can tell you now they are useless. Edward knows better then to ever descend to whatever level you might be on," Irina stated matter-of-factly. "I'm sorry if it comes off as mean, but it's the truth. He belongs in this world, you are just a visitor," she said in a kinder voice. My heart beat faster taking in her words.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I stuttered meekly.

She continued her next words as if she hadn't heard me. "It's a sad thing, the breakup, but it's fresh and I wouldn't be surprised to see them together again in no time," Irina reflected hopefully. "Tanya seems to regret her decision at least, he'd be a fool not to take her back," she finished.

My breath faltered at this, shock pulsating inside of me. I was sure she could see I trembled now, but it was out of my reach to regain control back.

"Her decision? I thought he ended it with her," my voice uttered in a miserable attempt to come off as nonchalant. Irina smiled widely at my visible reaction.

"Oh, no. Everyone at the Christmas party can tell you she shouted it was over at him and not the other way around," Irina said delivering the final blow to my self-control.

I had never felt so completely worthless and out of place in my entire life. It all came crashing in when Irina pierced my defenses with her last comment. I felt the weight of Tanya's grip on Edward, the pain and jealousy from him letting her, the insecurity from being surrounded by the social elite who seemed to believe Edward and Tanya were meant to be – and worst of all, I realized I could see them the way everyone else did. I was a member of the Edward and Tanya fan club.

"Excuse me," I whispered making my way towards the exit hastily

It was unavoidable, I could see it and had been watching it all evening. They fit together, they were meant to be. I was not meant to be here at all. He hadn't even broken up with her, when he'd told me he wanted to be with me it was after she'd turned her back on him. I was second order to her, and now that she wanted him back I was only an obstacle standing in the way of their relationship.

I damned him while walking towards the front door angrily. He had me so fooled, I was convinced he'd fallen for me and that he didn't care about the social ranks or that I was plain as day. He probably got a kick out of the sneaking around, the secrecy appealed to him enough for him to lower himself to my level.

Angry tears fell from my eyes and trailed down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly trying to do damage control. Storming out was enough of a ruckus for one night, there was no need to cry publicly as well.

"Bella?" Alice's concerned voice sounded besides me, her hands on my wrist. I jerked my arm away venting my emotions on her.

"Leave me alone," I spat. The image of Alice's hurt and confused face as I turned burned into my mind adding guilt to the list of emotions that welled up inside of me to take me over.

This was not where I was supposed to be.

--

**EPOV**

After Alice asked me to come down help with dinner I had to take my time walking down the hallway and stairs not to show off my obvious excitement to my entire family. Bella's close to completely uncovered body still filled my head, her scent still surrounding me like a fog. I shook my head and tried to focus to make my erection decline as I reached the rails leading down the stairs.

I rejoiced over the mental success achieved as I entered the dining room. Carlisle's head popped up as I did from the other side of the large table and hurriedly put the candelabra down, gesturing me closer with his hand. I cocked my eyebrow at his secrecy, but stepped nearer willingly.

"I hadn't had a chance to ask you how much others know about Bella and our situation," he said in a muffled voice. "It's important to ascertain the proper stance regarding how to behave around her," he continued in a worried voice.

I knew this situation was his nightmares come true, his professional distance to a patient in danger of being overstepped. He'd already been kind enough to see through the fingers of my slight unorthodox relationship to her, being a friend and carrying a therapeutical role – all though this had also surprised me greatly when he'd allowed the coexistence. Letting her stay with me like he had during her breakdowns was extremely out of character for him, but I'd decided not to question it in case he'd discontinue it if forced to rethink it.

He'd justified the unexpected leniency saying he was really concerned about Bella. Unpredictable, he'd called her, the worst kind of patient. When we were still discussing her case professionally he expressed his frustration about not reaching into her enigmatic past, he was confident there were deep dark issues there controlling her darkness. When he'd realized she trusted me and her whims less likely to end badly - and by badly meaning self-inflicted pain, be it suicide or drugs – when I was around, he'd granted us the privilege. But in the process removed my professional status. He'd even made sure I was made aware of the dangers entailed by forgetting to keep the distance by purchasing me a book on it for Christmas.

"Alice knows pretty much everything, as you know," I told him, in a less hushed voice to remove some of the ridiculousness of the situation. He moved his hands frantically up and down palm facing the floor in a gesture to make me lower my voice. "But no-one else knows the whole anxiety thing, those who know of her therapy think it's mostly because of her drug abuse," I summed.

Alice danced into the room carrying a bunch of napkins. She smiled widely at me. I saw Carlisle squinting accusingly at her as she entered. "This is all your doing," he snapped at her. Alice sneered back instantly. I realized they'd had this argument before, probably when she called and said she was brining Bella. I refused to believe Alice would have asked permission; he would have denied it and she would have done it anyways.

"Bella is my friend, she can stay here a few days without it being weird. Unless you make it so," Alice replied icily as she positioned the napkins around the table.

I'd always admired her rebellious manners around her father. Carlisle was an authoritarian patriarch to his fingertips, he surely dominated me like it was nothing, but Alice had remained strong and fearless facing him. Even when a little child she'd put her nose in the air and defy him just in spite. Esme frequently stepped in between them when it got too heated, but otherwise she used to mumble under her breath that they both needed someone to put them in their place.

Alice's behavior was the direct opposite of mine, I'd always held tremendous respect towards Carlisle and hung on his every word. I would put myself through hell just for his approval and praise, leaving Alice angry with me for complying with his every desire. Carlisle was to me the man I wanted to be, righteous, intelligent and strong. I admired him beyond words.

"You didn't have to bring her here, you should know better then to invite a patient I'm currently treating into my home and have her dine with us," he fumed towards her.

I couldn't deny his point, his success with Bella relied on her trusting his professional opinion and insight, if he allowed her to see him in his normal setting she might begin regarding him as a person with doubts and errors. To face her fears as he was asking her, and to trust him it would be fine if she did, he needed the distance. I got that, I really did, and to be honest was a bit surprised Alice had brought Bella here.

Alice sighed deeply. "She was really unhappy, dad. You should have seen it for yourself, so much pain and loneliness, it was making it worse for her. I couldn't let her stay there a second longer, so I made an executive decision to bring her here," Alice explained quickly.

"Really?" I blurted confusedly. Alice's eyes shot to mine warningly to remind me to not get too emotionally carried away.

"Yes, really. It was really horrible seeing her all alone," Alice said heartfelt.

Carlisle huffed. "She had her family around her like she always has had, there was no need to extract her and bring her here because you felt sorry for her," he objected angrily.

"She has a terrible relationship to her dad, it was awful. I guess she's had her friend Jake to hang with balancing the scale, but this time she was all alone with a father she doesn't speak to while mourning her mother," Alice said intently.

This surprised me greatly, my mouth even fell open by the mention of it. I'd been under the impression Bella thrived at her father's place, she'd never given me any contradicting facts to it either.

"Mourning her mother?" Carlisle asked bewildered.

"Her mother died at Christmas. You didn't know? I thought you were supposed to be her shrink," Alice said condescendingly. I cringed by the evil stab at Carlisle's professional pride, this was going to end badly.

Carlisle's eyes narrowed to slits by her words. "You watch your mouth, Alice, don't go speaking of things you know nothing about," he shouted furiously.

"You're really going to say I was wrong bringing her here? Just so you can protect your precious rules?" Alice attacked ferociously.

"Alice, this is out of line! She is my patient, not some pet you can bring into the house as you see it fit," Carlisle exploded back. My eyebrows furrowed by the way he portrayed Bella, but I kept the silent observer role.

"She's a human being in need, you know – those you supposedly are dedicated to helping," Alice retorted enraged, now putting down her napkins in excitement.

"Are you sure you're helping her, huh? What if this compromises her chances for being helped, Alice, have you considered that?" Carlisle was hovering above her now in a firm stance, Alice right in his face not backing down one inch.

Esme's head popped into the dining room from the kitchen then, she tsked reprimanding. "Be quiet, both of you," she demanded. "Help set the plates instead."

Carlisle walked into the kitchen on her command. "You seem more interested in staying on your pedestal then offering to climb down to help her," Alice shouted after him as he walked away. There was no vocal response from the kitchen but sudden infuriated rattling of plates sounded instead.

Alice turned to me then. "Nice standing up there, appreciate your help," she said scolding. "You're her boyfriend and can't even stand up to him when he's being this narrow-minded?"

"Stop it," I said warningly. "It's not that I mind her being her at all, but I see his point." My voice was level and calm, hoping she might respond to it and stop shouting. Her shouting did stop, but distaste took its place in her tone instead.

"Stop worshipping the ground he walks on, Edward, he is not God," she replied chidingly. "You've got to quit the whole approval thing, it's getting tiresome."

This was hardly the first time Alice would turn on me after I refused to stand up against Carlisle, she hated me for abiding in silence. She didn't get it, though. Through my psychology classes I'd discovered the origin of my wholly compliance to Carlisle, and I'd embraced it a long time ago. She was his legitimate daughter, Alice risked nothing opposing him, she knew his heart held eternal fatherly love for her.

I, on the other hand, was not. As a young child losing his family I had, in search for some sort of identity after being robbed off my parents, turned to Carlisle's strength and mimicked him.

My need for his approval and submissive manner resulted from Carlisle not being my real father. I'd tried to mimic and comply with him in hopes of him accepting me, and it not only stuck with me through out my adult life, but had become integrated deeply into who I was.

Standing up to Carlisle felt absurd and unnatural, it was an instinctive fact to trust him and never let him down. Until Bella had come along I'd never ever questioned this natural desire to please him, and I'd fought it for as long as I could. I'd even taken Tanya as a girlfriend to keep from letting him down. In the end though, I'd come to find the feelings I held for Bella to be just as innately natural as my respect for Carlisle.

I'd really been truthful when I told Bella I'd reveal everything to Carlisle if she wanted me to, she'd effortlessly taken the number one priority spot in my life before Carlisle's approval. But in a way, it was also what Carlisle would regard the 'right thing to do' – if you stepped over your professional lines, he'd expect me to come clean and repent.

I sighed. "There's no use fighting him on this, you know how he is," I told Alice in a weary voice.

Carlisle returned then, plates in hand and bid us to take our share to position out on the table. "Alice, would you just try to respect my need for patient-doctor distance," he said in a dangerous voice. She snorted disrespectfully. He reacted visibly to her continued resistance, tensing up and biting his teeth. "It's important!" he yelled as his composed mask fell.

Alice was no worse then him, responding to his fury with blazing up her own instantly. "You've got to admit you can take it to extreme lengths," she snapped and put her plate down with a bang. As Carlisle threw his frustrated hands in the air I recognized his exhaustion by this fight. Alice was not going to let this rest.

He put his hands to his hips, his voice somewhat gathered now. "I don't see any fault in it," he replied shortly. I kept my eyes to the table, fiddling with the porcelain and hoping they'd soon come to an end.

Alice was like a dog with a bone when offered a fight with her dad. "Maybe you should reconsider your vision," she retorted and shot her chin up at him. I sighed by the never ending bickering, they were at each other's throats every time they were forced to spend a longer amount of time together.

Carlisle raised his dreaded index finger at this, I saw his eyes burn at this comment. "Don't you talk like that to me, you are far from biased yourself in the matter," he parried, referring to her deep friendship with Bella. Of course this would affect her judgment, and by her snort she also knew it was a valid point.

"At least my case is supported by others," Alice said evilly and her eyes flickered to me. I froze as she revealed me as her fellow conspirator, my eyes refused to glance up at Carlisle's response. There'd only be disappointment to find there.

Esme's voice liberated me from the confrontation that was about to begin. "What are you guys fussing about out there?" she asked warningly as she entered with the meat.

Jasper came walking in behind her, rolling his eyes at me and Alice. He would escape out of sight whenever Alice would raise her voice. After what he'd told me after a few beers there was enough loud disputes at their place for him to want a refill when at the in-laws' as well. He was not so much a yeller, but he was smart enough to put Alice in her place quick enough to silence her. Carlisle got too carried away to keep from screaming back at Alice. I didn't blame him, she could bring a rock to the brink of frustration.

Esme's face turned friendly all of a sudden and turned to a point behind Alice and I. "Oh, you look amazing, Bella," she complimented with a smile. Terror-struck by the realization of Bella standing behind us hit me forcefully. I twirled around quickly in surprise, my eyes desperately trying to read her face to discern how much she'd heard of our fight. She could have been standing there for ages. What if she'd heard how I didn't stand up for her when Carlisle had called her Alice's pet?

"Bella!" Alice's hysterical voice croaked, her eyes flickered mortified to mine.

But Bella seemed unruffled, she merely greeted us shyly and if I wasn't mistaken she even smiled slightly. Had she really not heard anything? I pondered nervously, or was she just putting up a really good front?

Jasper broke the awkward silence with a few kind words, I was too worked up to catch what he said, my eyes locked on Bella intently to catch any emotion revealing if she'd heard anything bad. But there was nothing to read.

I sat down next to Alice, thankful that she was between Bella and me so I wouldn't start touching her involuntarily in front of Carlisle. He was probably so frustrated by the fight another drop would sink his patience completely, and a family massacre wasn't the New Year's Eve I'd planned on.

Alice still challenged him all through dinner, refusing to let him be. She knew very well he couldn't and wouldn't allow himself to appear unprofessional around Bella, no matter how angry she made him. I nudged her angrily to make her stop, only resulting in her smirking evilly and pressing even harder.

Esme and Jasper served as life savers yet again, doing their best to not scare Bella with our crazy family dynamics. I was so tense I hardly spoke all through the dinner, afraid that Carlisle would in fact get enough of Alice and throw the salad bowl at her.

The conversation took a brighter turn when Alice reminded us on how Victoria had ruined Esme's beloved fur coat. Esme had worn it loyally every single chance she got, even naming it and talking baby language to it when she thought we weren't around. Imagine her horror walking in 1st of January finding Victoria spread upon it, lying passed out on top of it across the entrance hall floor, vomit all over herself and the precious coat. Esme's reaction was priceless. She'd taken Victoria screaming by her red hair and dragged her outsides into the snow, mercilessly slamming the door shut on her.

As the dinner finally came to an end I let out a deep exhale of relief and darted to the living room to escape any further confrontation. Alice and Bella sat down in the sofa, I saw Bella blushing adorably as she spoke to Alice and couldn't keep myself from sitting down next to her. My body fell at ease the instant it felt her next to me, relaxing as if this was its natural position – being close to Bella.

Her scent filled my head again and mesmerized by it I found myself putting my hand on hers and caressing it gently. With every soft caress I felt sparks jolt up through my arm, warmth spreading inside of me. When Jasper turned and spotted our hands intertwined he reacted as presumed; he noted it and didn't mind.

I didn't want the party to ever begin, I wanted to sit next to Bella like this for the rest of the evening. And a kiss at midnight would not suffice. She looked so damn sexy in her new black dress, bringing my thoughts back to what had happened earlier. I grimaced by the excitement filling me thinking of it and quickly refocused to avoid an embarrassing scene. Carlisle and Esme entering helped greatly, there was no way I could be turned on in their presence. I took my hand off Bella's when I heard them approach. They said their good bye's before heading to what we all knew were a party just as wild as the one we planned on having in our house. They of course denied our claims of this, maintaining that theirs was a controlled and low-key gathering.

Rosalie made a loud entrance as usual, sounding through the entire house. Alice and Bella ran to meet her, Emmett barging into the living room shortly after. "All right, bring out the alcohol!" He yelled eagerly.

Jasper and I chuckled as he watched Emmett ravage our liquor cabinet next to the TV. Jasper got us glasses and Emmett sprang the champagne with a happy hoot.

"I've heard great things about these New Year's Eve parties of yours, Cullen," Emmett said drinking greedily off his champagne. "I'm glad I won't be spending mine at the lame one I did last year."

I had to say I liked Emmett, not in the same way I enjoyed Jasper's company, but Emmett was effortlessly carefree. He really didn't bother with concerning himself, he saw the bright side in any situation. Or, well, nearly. When Alice had begged of him to take care of Eric because of what he did to Eric, he'd been gravely serious and promised to tend to it. It hadn't been himself beating him up, he wouldn't risk Eric turning his anger on him, but he'd had some guy contact some guy who handled the situation gracefully. I would never tell Bella I knew this, of course, it wasn't something she needed to know.

"So, Bella and you," Jasper said in a low offhanded tone as we watched how Rose was being fed champagne by her boyfriend. I smiled in response, he nodded thoughtfully. "I'm not oblivious to the fact that there's something going on with her, Alice and you frequently rushing to her aid this past semester and then refusing to let me in on it," he said smirking, not even a trace of bitterness in his voice. Jasper wasn't the guy to probe or meddle, it was one of my favorite traits in him. "But I can see that you are good for each other, and I really like her," he finished with a nudge.

"Thanks, Jasper, means a lot," I said gratefully.

Soon people were gushing all around us, surrounding us like a pack of needy wolves. I knew how our social status rubbed off when our names were Cullen, Rosalie and Emmett both from powerful families, and Jasper's parents just as wealthy and influential as the rest of us. I'd been the center of attention at parties like this for as long as I could remember, and I detested the false interest people showed in me.

College parties were much more preferable, there were lots of normal people there, friends of friends and such. Parties like this one where invites were based strictly on the family's socioeconomic status and value was something else entirely. I knew the people here from growing up in their circles, but with exception of Alice, Emmett, Rose and Jasper neither were my friends. It was a tedious routine we had to endure.

Once I got started with the small-talk and catching up on people's lives since the summer party at the Denali's six months ago it went surprisingly easy. I didn't mind speaking to people and treating them pleasantly as a host should, I could bear it a few times a year – especially with normal parties in between.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would grow weary of it though, it had only taken me ten minutes at the Christmas Ball before I wanted to shoot myself out of boredom. I hoped the attitude and responsibility of being host would help me suffer through a bit longer this year as well. Soon my yawns had yawns.

My eyes idly flew to Bella across the floor. She stood next to Alice and seemed a bit uncomfortable with what I imagined as socially intimidating crowd. I wanted to break free from my circle, grab her and stay alone with her in her room for the rest of the evening. I did no such thing. I stayed dutifully by Jasper's side.

All though I knew she never missed an event like this, I wasn't fully prepared as Tanya entered. She'd really made an effort to look stunning, I noted, but to me she looked horribly overdone. I liked my girls naturally beautiful as Bella was.

She streamed over to me and lurked her hand around my arm, holding me tightly. "Edward," she smiled widely. My smile in return could easily have been mistaken for a grimace.

"Tanya," I replied with a nod. She jumped into the conversation like a pro, handling the wide-eyed crowd around us easily. I knew what she was doing, trying to make it come off as if it was still something going on between us. I couldn't push her forcefully away like I would've wanted to, there were social rules of conduct to be followed. And I wasn't really comfortable with being an ass.

I somehow decided to just stick with her make-believe show and then avoid her for the rest of my life. She'd really been over the top when she secured the Cullen bachelor last fall, the plunge in social status that followed our breakup probably was hard to swallow. She was really insecure, I knew this very well, and I didn't want to hurt her more then necessary. I took the easy way out of it, I ignored her and tried to remove her grip on me in silence. She didn't budge.

When my attention flashed to Bella I saw she stood without Alice, but another person had taken my cousin's place. There was no mistaking Irina's blonde hair and sour expression planted on her face, and I felt a crease form between my brows by her polluting being standing so close to Bella. I realized they were talking, my body tensed up and concerned thoughts entered my mind as Irina smiled evilly.

"I'm just gonna…" I attempted to remove Tanya's hand a bit more energetic this time, her nails sinking into my skin painfully, her eyes icily on mine.

"Please don't leave," Tanya said in a forced friendly tone. My eyes narrowed, I grabbed her hand with my free one and pulled her grasp off mine.

"I'll be right back," I said sternly and turned to Bella. She wasn't there anymore, only Irina was left and by her wicked smile playing on her lips I knew this wasn't good.

"Where is she, Irina?" I demanded as I reached her. Her face contorted in disgust as she laid her eyes on me.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Irina said dismissively and chuckled. "I'm gonna go talk to my sister," she said and pushed me aside on her way towards Tanya.

I regarded her for a split second, wondering whether to throw something at her, before turning my attention to Alice's voice next to me. "Edward, what happened?" Alice begged of me, her eyes confused and looking at me for answers.

I searched through the crowd after Bella's figure, but found nothing. "Where is she?" I insisted to Alice.

"She ran off, I tried to stop her but she wouldn't have it. I thought you knew," Alice said hysterically.

"No, where'd she go?" I ordered and began moving towards the hallway when Alice replied front door.

I didn't take notice of the stares following me as I made my way through the people crowding the rooms I passed through. It didn't matter compared to the worry I now felt for Bella. She could be anywhere, she could be out in the snow on her sandals and cold dress, and if so – probably horribly lost somewhere in the surrounding woods.

My shaking hands found my phone in my jacket pocket, I flipped it open and dialed her number. After a few unanswered rings it went to voicemail. I hung up furiously. "Fuck!" I cried out in exasperation.

Alice was by my side then, tugging my sleeve. "She's not in her room," she informed me sadly and held Bella's phone between her fingers for me to see. We regarded the front doors mortified. "She wouldn't?" Alice whispered, referring to the cold winter night and the large woods outsides.

I didn't reply, there was no time to contemplate whether or not she was stupid enough to rush into the darkness hardly dressed and with the sense of direction matching a GPS without electricity.

All that was in my mind was a simple fact. I had to find her.

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**Sorry once more for the cliffhanger, but I really had no more time to write the following scene. The next chapter WILL have lemons olympic sized, endure the weeks wait for it.**

**Reviews will make the upcoming sex steamier ;p  
**


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

_Sorry for the wait! _

_This chapter might surprise some of you, both Carlisle and Edward I recon. Been trying to build Dr. Cullen's character to a point where his reaction, albeit unreasonable, is understandable. Keep in mind that all though Edward is being selfish exciting Bella while she's in such a fragile state he's not being a complete ass (he also has medical training due to his education). He does love her, but gets somewhat blinded at the point.  
_

_This is super M rated, enjoy the lemons and the angst ;)_

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**Chapter 26**

Batting my eyes open made me flinch in pain by the stinging fluorescent light surrounding me. I didn't consciously notice the rhythmic sounds from the monitors at the time, instead the unmistakable weakness of my limbs distracted me more then any audible frequencies could.

I felt as if I had been binging alcohol for weeks while simultaneously pouring down ecstasy tablets down my throat. I couldn't single out any tangible thought in the myriad of feeble echoes reflecting in my mind, it was as if my mental capacity had been exhausted – and my physical as well.

It was like in the movies, you wake up and there's faces surrounding you, blurry colors distorting my constant refocusing vision, voices speaking worriedly. My body took it's time adjusting to being awake, before without any forewarning it amended itself and everything around me was suddenly translated by my senses. Tactile information informed me I was covered in warming blankets, there was a distinct tug from my hand and inside of my elbow and I felt weirdly drained of energy. At the same time I could discern the voices, identifying quickly Alice, Edward, dad, Rose and Dr. Cullen. They were speaking at me, trying to have me respond and sign I was ok. My eyebrows furrowed slightly as I recognized the beeping sound on my left as repeating mechanically how my heart was beating.

Dr. Cullen's voice broke through the swarm of voices with his signature authoritative tone. "Let's give her some space," he demanded while gesturing for them to exit. My eyes flashed to Edward's, hoping somehow for him to stay with me. I heard the beep's from my left quicken as our eyes locked, his piercing mine with complete concern. My hand twitched involuntarily towards him, I needed him next to me.

Dr. Cullen snapped the door shut between us and turned to me, oblivious to how much I wanted Edward to be close to me right then. I let my gaze dart between Dr. Cullen's carved out of stone figure standing next to my ill at ease dad by the end of my bed, hovering over where I knew my feet lay underneath what seemed to be a significant amount of blankets.

Once aware of how tightly I was roped into blankets, constraining any limb movement, frustration grew inside of me. I squirmed to be freed.

"You've got to stay like this a little while more," Dr. Cullen informed me quickly when he saw my reaction. "Your body needs to be reheated, you suffered a severe stage two hypothermia and your body has to be warmed from the core to the more peripheral and distal parts. Your heart rhythm is being monitored for arrhythmias, a high risk factor after the drop in body temperature," he stated with every ounce of professional sternness he could tap into.

I swallowed to lubricate my dry throat, my head spinning from this entire situation. "What… What happened? Where am I?" My voice quivered.

"Confusion and amnesia is not unheard of," Dr. Cullen replied quickly, sending my dad a reassuring glance. "You are going to be fine, Isabella. You got lost and your temperature fell greatly, they brought you here and reheated it. You're getting warm fluids intravenously and are covered in warming blankets to treat you back to normal body heat."

He glanced quickly towards my dad, his professional mask dropping just for a split second, revealing what I read as doubt. "I'll give you some time alone, do you want me to send in Alice in a little while?" He offered kindly, I nodded enthusiastically. "I'll have her bring warm drinks for you."

Dad came over to sit down next to me after Dr. Cullen shut the door behind him. I sighed seeing his penetrating stare on me. "I'm tied down, not incapacitated," I warned him with a harsh voice. I could spot his chastising from miles away.

"Bella, I…" he stuttered, as if he had only seconds ago been informed that I was in a hospital. I felt too weak to snort at his pathetic attempt to play worried dad. "You scared me so much," he whispered angrily.

I didn't reply and averted my eyes from his glare.

"Why in the world would you do such a thing? Entering the forest practically without clothes?" His voice took on a hysterical character.

"I don't know," I replied sullenly, "I don't remember."

He rolled his eyes fiercely, sparking my anger inside of me slightly. I began jerking my arms out from underneath the blankets. "Don't play the innocent amnesiac on me," he snapped. "We both know the forest is…"

He'd obviously drawn strength from his fear of me being hurt daring to step into this territory, I wasn't about to let him enter. Anger raged inside of me like a full blown fire now, my hands flew out from the imprisoning blankets and with them I put up a barricade between us, my voice erupting in screams from my throat. "Shut the fuck up, you know nothing! Shut up!"

His back cringed and his eyes lost their resolve, my screams hardly faltering by seeing his willpower weaken. "Why the hell did you even show up here? I don't want you in my life, get the fuck out!" I cried out.

Dr. Cullen entered swiftly then, his face completely horrified by the heated scene in front of him. "Calm down, Bella, it's imperative that you are not upset, your heart is in a critical stage of…" he began and rushed over to my EKG machine. "You should probably leave," he ordered towards my dad, who was not about to object – actually, his face was locked in a stern expression. He turned and exit without another word.

I caught a glimpse of Edward as the door swung open, my heart fluttering audibly from my left.

"You need to be calm," Dr. Cullen repeated grimly from my side. I could hear how the beeping was slowly decreasing in frequency, leading to Dr. Cullen letting out a sigh. "I'm gonna go get your doctor, and tell Alice to come sit with you," he said.

Alice entered with a cup of coffee between her hands directly after Dr. Cullen vanished. She practically ran over to my bedside and handed me the cup, her eyes carrying a mix between disaproval and concern. "You moron," she whispered, but bit her lip the second she said it. "Sorry, I know you're recovering and all, but running off into the woods like that was really stupid," she muttered.

I sipped the coffee and felt the glorious blackness of it oil my throat and warm my insides. "I don't remember much," I replied softly. Her eyes flickered towards me cautiously.

"What do you remember?" She asked warily.

As seeing it through a veil of fog I flashed the daze of memories I could find through my mind. I remembered feeling despair, wanting to extract myself from everything and then cold. I held my cup idly in front of me while retracing my memories.

"Hazy," I mumbled. "I felt ridiculous after being told I wasn't fit for being present, let alone imagining myself with Edward," I admit in a grimace. Alice snarled unexpectedly.

"Irina," she snapped.

I nodded. "Yes, she was nice enough to explain to me what you guys seem to have kept from me," I muttered darkly. "I'm not cut out to be in your world, I could see how Tanya and Edward owned the room, they are meant to be together," I admit sadly, tears pressing from behind my lids.

Alice rolled her eyes. "She's Tanya's sister, undoubtedly fueled by pending social decline and bitterness," she explained. "It's just a game we play, the social shit. I speak for all of us when I say we like to be with you because you're not like that. You're not superficial and seduced by the social games and intrigues, you're a human being. A great one, at that," she said tenderly and stroked my hair. "Don't let them get to you, Bella. And don't let them convince you that you're not good enough for Edward, you are perfect together."

I took the words in slowly, but there was an aching spot still from where Irina had stabbed me. "He didn't want be before Tanya dumped him," I whispered in a quaking voice.

Alice eyes widened at this in surprise, but as she seemed to realize what Irina must have referred to she pursed her lips. "She gave him an ultimatum, he chose you," Alice objected sincerely. "I'm no therapist, Bella, but I've lived surrounded by them long enough to pick up on how you try to run the opposite direction the second you feel your relationship to someone is threatened," she said suddenly. Her scrutinizing eyes were on me, searching intently for my response.

"I don't," I protested instinctively. "At least, not more then any other person would," I hurried to add to hide how defensive I'd sounded. Alice's eyes narrowed.

"I get it, you don't want to risk being abandoned," she remarked warily, before adding gravely, "again."

I held my breath suddenly, eyeing her cautiously. What was she up to? "Again?" repeated, trying desperately to keep my voice level. I even sipped nonchalantly off of my coffee to underline how insignificant the turn of the conversation was to me.

"You know, your mother," Alice pressed relentlessly. I was certain I heard the beeping sounds next to me increase in tempo, jolting by the mention of my mother.

I put my cup down on the table next to the bed before speaking. If I continued to hold it I wouldn't be able to stop shaking visibly. "This is really not related," I said. My voice came out less firm then I would have liked it to. "She didn't abandon me, she died. If anyone abandoned me, it was my dad – hence my anger directed towards him earlier. Being present when I'm hurt badly isn't a privilege," I explained slowly.

She shifted next to me. "Are you sure, Bella?"

"Yes." My voice came out just the way I wanted it to then. She nodded slowly, albeit reluctantly, and gave it a rest.

"Do you want me to send him in? You might have a few minutes before dad'll be back," she offered. I was nodding intently before she was halfway through the suggestion. A smile crossed her lips. "You're lucky he found you as quick as he did," she remarked. "He didn't hesitate," she added with another smile before exiting into the corridor.

There was a minute of silence before Edward's much wanted shape darted into the room to be with me. Before he did I was alone for the first time since waking up. I still felt weak, exhausted and trampled on, after the interrogation I'd been subject to lately, now more then ever. It seemed people got irrationally nosy under panic.

The solitude presented to me between visitors, however forced, triggered a few distant memories to surface. I heard my own frantic sobs resonating from the engulfing darkness, the sound of snow breaking underneath my feet, my fingers sliding past the rough texture of tree trunks while I aimlessly escaped the party. I didn't even hear muffled sounds in the distance from the house, I had to be quite deep into the woods at this point. My feet were so icy from the snow surrounding them all the way up to my ankles with every barefoot stumble, the crust rasping my lower calves. I realized I'd taken the sandals off already, but wouldn't have been able to tell without looking down at them; they were so frozen they didn't feel as part of my body anymore.

Of course I silently recognized while sitting stunned in my hospital bed, watching the mental movie of the previous events unfold itself in my head, that there was an element of historic drive forcing me relentlessly into the forest – just as Charlie had insinuated earlier. Ironic that I would nearly freeze to death in some random forest, I thought to myself bitterly.

There was just enough moonlight falling on the fields of snow around me to reveal how completely lost I was. There was nothing else as far as I could see but darkness behind the few feet of trees surrounding me.

Panic entering my system mixing with the despair already thundering through my arteries caused me to come to an abrupt halt. I felt my pulse rage, my breath running so fast there was no reining it in. My knees gave in, the snow soon all around my bare skin.

There was no telling how long I lay there, shivering violently from both the sobs and the cold. Time had no meaning, there was only pain.

And then there were safety. His warm, strong arms pulling me up and out of the snow, pressing me towards his mighty chest, his heated breath panting towards my skin. He moved swiftly with me in his arms, as if he carried nothing at all, while his tender, yet distressed voice sounded into my ear. He told me to not fall asleep, that we were soon there, to hold on a little while longer. And he told me he loved me, over and over again.

When Edward walked into the room the next second I experienced shame, shame for acting so recklessly, letting my darkness have the best of me again and lead me into moronic situations, but also, more then ever before and more then I'd ever thought possible I felt complete devotion.

"I love you," I stated intently, catching him off guard by my sudden declaration. He rushed over to my bed and soon his lips were on mine.

"I love you too, I'm so relieved you're going to be ok," he said between kisses. "You've no idea how worried I've been, afraid you'd…"

"Shh," I whispered and kissed him back affectionately. "I'm fine," I assured him.

"Happy New Year," Edward muttered softly into my ear with a chuckle, before kissing my neck teasingly. I shivered pleasantly and grinned, my hand played idly through his copper colored hair.

"Some start," I remarked with a silly smile, Edward kissed my lips with his once more, the EKG machine's beeping multiplying. "Are we ever going to catch a break?" I asked him, more rhetorical then anything.

He drew his face back from mine and held my head between his palms, peering directly at me with a serious look. "I think all these obstacles are just us making up for all the luck gone into us finding each other."

I pushed him towards me, kissing him deeply. "I love you," he whispered between my passionate kisses. My happiness was in that moment complete. Never mind the surroundings, the lousy way my body felt from hypothermia, the darkness and anxiety – it all faded. There was only me and Edward, and I loved him, he loved me.

And then, with impeccable timing, the surroundings made an entrance.

"What the…?! Edward?!" Dr. Cullen's voice boomed loudly from behind us, causing Edward to rapidly break free from my kisses and my embrace. He jerked swiftly around to face what I had already seen. Dr. Cullen stood as struck by lightning with his jaw open and frozen to the ground in shock.

"Carlisle!" Edward replied, seemingly just as horror-struck.

"What the hell is this?" Dr. Cullen yelled as he regained his ability to speak. Edward stuttered less convincingly in return. "This is way out of line, I cannot begin to…" Dr. Cullen's voice spat the words in utter dismay, his features in a revolted grimace.

I expected Edward to act as he always did, composed and righteously, demanding understanding and a chance to vindicate himself as any person would. It was not until I realized a few minutes into Dr. Cullen's fierce chastising that Edward wasn't going to arch his head back up and look into his uncle's eyes. He would remain meek and timid, taking the reprimanding and fury thrown at him by his opponent.

Suddenly, Alice held the door behind Dr. Cullen between her fingers, her face twisted in terror. My eyes flashed to where she stood, pleading her desperately with my eyes, beckoning her to intervene. I could not take seeing Edward this way. Alice grimaced helplessly, gesturing with her arms that she was staying out of this one.

I turned my attention back towards where Dr. Cullen was barking disappointed yells at Edward again, cringing as if he directed his attacks at me and not Edward.

"You're off my trial for good, that's for sure!" Dr. Cullen snapped. "How long has this been going on?" He yelled, first at Edward, but when there was no response, he turned to me. "How long?" He pressed, his voice less angry and more demanding now, obviously trying to not upset me too much.

"I…" I began hesitantly, not willing to expose Edward's disobedience more then necessary, but uncertain if I would be able to lie convincingly to Dr. Cullen's face.

"A while," Edward's voice sounded suddenly, finally finding strength. Dr. Cullen turned to him again. "Since the beginning," he admit reluctantly then. Alice cringed.

Dr. Cullen closed the gap between himself and Edward in one quick stride, his index finger raised. "This is outrageous! I thought you were smarter then this," he rambled angrily. "Taking advantage of a patient as vulnerable as her, misusing the trust she put in you and then…" his voice trailed off as if what he'd done was unspeakable.

I felt frustration build up inside of me, it was excruciating to watch how he trampled all over Edward who didn't even raise one ringer to defend himself – or me. What we had was not as perverse as how Dr. Cullen portrayed it, and he knew this, hell, even Dr. Cullen probably knew this, but he let him dominate him completely.

"That's a lie!" I yelled from where I sat. Dr. Cullen ignored me and carried on his reprimanding speech.

"I'm disappointed in you, Edward, I'd expected you to be better then this, this is unforgiveable," Dr. Cullen said darkly. Edward gave off the first visible sign of emotion by these words, wincing as if the words were the blade of a knife. Dr. Cullen took a pause to emphasize his carefully chosen next and final words, "and your parents would feel the same way."

I gasped in unison with Alice by his words, causing Dr. Cullen to snap out of his blinded rage suddenly. He took a deep breath and gathered himself, opening his mouth to speak, not a much milder expression. It was as if he knew he'd gone too far. Too far, and too late.

I saw Edward crumble to ashes in front of me, whatever tenacity he'd clung to while withstanding the tirade of resentment served to him from Dr. Cullen was now dust. He did all but collapse to the floor, his body shaking. Alice ran to his rescue then, grabbing her father by the sleeve and using his momentum of pacification to extract him.

Connected to the machines I was hindered from rushing over to him immediately, and the seconds it took to pull out the intravenous fluid and rip off the EKG pads felt like years apart from him. I stumbled on uneasy feet, pillaring myself towards the bed before reaching him and taking him into my arms. He fell to the ground under my touch, I kneeled down together with him and pressed his head to my chest.

He didn't cry like I always did, there were no loud wails reverberating, there were only intense shaking of his body. He gasped for air as if the quaking required all of his energy, and I felt how his hands clasped around me as if trying to steady himself.

I rocked him softly as he had me, brushing his hair gently and whispering that I loved him into his ear repeatedly. After some time his shivers subsided leaving his limp body partly on the floor, partly in my lap, and low pants the only sound except for my tender murmurs.

He steadied his upper body with his arms and got up to his knees, slowly raising his eyes to mine. There was something indiscernible resting in his gaze, to me unfamiliar and strange.

"Say it again," he said hoarsely, demanding.

"What?" I asked baffled, caressing his cheek with my hand. I wanted so badly to make his agony dissipate, but I didn't understand what he wanted from me.

"Say it, say you love me," he pressed, his eyes fierce, locked on mine. His tone made me wary, there was no way he could ever make me fear him, but this was a tone I wasn't sure I could recognize as belonging to him.

"I love you," I replied weakly. His eyes burned as I said it.

"Again," he begged sternly.

"I love you," I repeated.

His hands held my head in them, then pushing me towards him intensely. His lips were urgent on mine, nearly brutal, kissing me as if every single kiss was the last he'd ever have.

I was overcome by his passion, the chord his ardent tone had struck fading away with every kiss. I let my hands fist his hair in the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. This made him moan, shoving his tongue into my mouth. I tasted it with mine, taking in his flavor, soon intoxicated.

He pushed my back to the floor while kissing me, his hands running up and down my body now. I was only wearing the hospital gown, completely naked underneath I realized, and as his hands pushed underneath the open back he groaned by the feel of my bare body.

There were voices telling me I probably shouldn't strain myself like this now, that I should at least try and lock the door somehow, but Edward was showering me with kisses and caresses evaporating any conscious reasoning.

His fingers unbuttoned the button in the back of my neck while he moved his lips down to my throat. His teeth bit my skin tenderly causing me to push myself closer to him. He grabbed a firm hold of my body, lifted me into the air and put me down on the bed before crawling up into it next to me.

Soon I was easing off the gown completely meanwhile he undressed himself, taking off his shirt while trying to combine the movement with kissing me. I pressed excited towards him, my free hands rushing to tear off his shirt so his could be on me instead.

He got on top of me, careful to use his elbows to not put his weight on me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed his lower body towards me, feeling how his erection rubbed towards me. We moaned in unison by this.

His mouth went lower to accompany his hands already cupping my breasts. He kissed slowly and purposely around the nipple, teasing me relentlessly, before finally taking my pebbled nipple in his mouth and suckling it. I groaned in pleasure, arching my back and pushing him closer towards me, twisting in excitement as his teeth graced it next.

He moved over to my other breast, again slowly kissing and licking all around the center, before taking it in and biting it gently. This was torture, I was already wetter then I'd ever been before and he'd not even moved past focusing on my upper body.

Unable to restrain myself any longer I moved my hands to his pants, unbuttoned and reached into them. As I took his throbbing erection into my hands he moaned a curse into my neck. "Ahh, Bella," he groaned and moved so I could get a good grip of him. He was so big I couldn't get my hands around him completely, and then I began moving my palm up and down in determined movements. Edward panted heavily into my ear, distracting me at the same time with trailing his hand down past my belly and then slipping two fingers into me.

"Oh, my god," I whispered and spread my legs to let him have better access. He moved then, pulling me closer to him and getting completely on top of me. His eyes fixed on mine for a moment, questioningly, burning. "I love you," I repeated, answering his unasked inquire. He needed nothing more and pushed forwards into me.

This was nothing like what I had experienced before. Firstly, I'd been drunk then and hardly knew the person, this was different in every single way. Feeling Edward thrust into me, his hand cupping my breast and rolling my nipple tenderly between his fingers, while emitting low moans into my ear was indescribable. He positioned his free hand under my ass and angled me so he could penetrate me deeper, my climax building rapidly.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer, feeling how I was closing on coming. I felt how Edward moved quicker, more urgent and how his moans increased as he joined me towards the orgasm.

As I felt my muscles twitch and a moan of pure pleasure erupt when reaching climax Edward thrust one final time into me and released with a groan into me.

He fell down next to me, panting in unity with me while holding me close to him with his arms wrapped around me.

"I love you," he whispered between rapid breaths.

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_So, did you see it coming and/or are you detesting the new developments? Promise you will not have to wait much longer for the next one ;)_

_Reviews and comments accepted happily!  
_


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: Twilight and its characters doesnt belong to me.

_Ah, yes, Carlisle was being an ass. He's human first and foremost, he acts irrationally even though he is a shrink._

_This chapter is all for you, some lemons and some fluff, and outlines the drama about to explode in the following chapters. Hang in there, it's about to get great ;) Hope you enjoy this chapter as well. Thanks again for the great comments and reviews you provide me with, they are my religion.  
_

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**Chapter 27**

Edward lay next to me in the bed all day, toying with strands of my hair, kissing my neck or simply just holding my hand in his. We'd dressed quickly after, as if the enchantment of lust that had been on us had been broken and we realized we'd just had sex where anyone might barge in at any time. He'd called for a nurse to rehook me to my apparatuses, receiving a suspicious glare from her.

He was silent, humming a soothing tune into my hair most of the time. Whenever I tried to meet his eyes he would fixate on mine and smile, but the split second before he met them I could clearly see a great sadness lingering in them.

I didn't ask him about it, I didn't know what to ask. I knew from what he'd told me that he hadn't known his parents that well, he'd always added with pride that Carlisle was the only father he'd every really known and he respected him greatly. Any fool could see that, but until this day I hadn't grasped the depths of his reverence. This went beyond admiration, he was completely submissive to him, as if Carlisle's word was the unquestioned law.

Alice returned later with fresh clothes for the both of us. She regarded the atmosphere between Edward and me warily, but said nothing. Edward went to change his clothes, still wearing his formal wear from the party, leaving Alice and me alone.

She sat on the plain plastic chair that came with the room and scooted closer to me. "How's he doing?" She asked in a hushed voice, as if she wouldn't risk him walking in on her fishing for information.

"He's quiet," I replied vaguely. An interval of silence fell between us. I didn't want to betray him with personal details to her, she didn't want to overstep.

"I hope he'll be fine," she muttered sadly.

I eyed the door guardedly before venting my anger. "I'm amazed how a psychiatrist like your dad would ever say those things," I said heatedly while leaning forward towards her.

Alice nodded slowly. "He'd never to any patient, but he's just as human as any other parent. This is a real big thing to him, Bella, the core of his being. When Edward stupidly admit he'd been doing this behind his back as well," she cringed as she recalled it, "I'm not trying to defend him or justify what he did, because he overreacted and said things he shouldn't have, but what Edward did is to him practically like murder."

"But it _isn't_ murder," I objected. "I know I probably shouldn't demand more of him just because he's a psychiatrist, but this is insane," I fumed now, my voice coming out in hisses.

Alice smiled a sad lopsided smile. "Edward knew perfectly well what he was facing in Carlisle by having a relationship with a patient, Bella. Carlisle might, to some extent, be unreasonable, but Edward is a fool if he's surprised by it. Carlisle will come around, I'm sure. The admiration goes both ways, he loves Edward and has always held him in high esteem. He'll just have to get over it," she drew her breath and exhaled poignantly, "I'm more worried about what damage his temper has caused already."

Edward returned shortly after, Rose at his heels. He carried an amused smile, she on the other hand was rambling irately. We'd heard her talking crossly at him all through the hallway but upon entering she fixed her glare at me and marched over to my bed.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!" She yelled. "Alice knew! Jasper knew! Hell, fucking Tanya knew," Rose whined miserably, I grimaced as I figured she now also knew.

"Rose, I'm sorry, it's complic…" I began apologetically but Rose promptly cut me off with a devastated moan.

"We live together! And I made that Tanya comment, I'm so ashamed," she gushed while covering her face with her hands. I was somewhat happy she made this all about herself, one could count on Rose to provide relief from dangerously dark thoughts.

She rambled on for a few minutes on how she now understood the weird behavior we'd been up to the last few months, nearly ending by saying she'd seen it coming all along. Edward sat idly on my bedside caressing my hand, smiling entertained by Rose but his happiness never close to reaching his eyes.

He took me home the next day, and by home I mean to his place. We agreed I'd stay there a few days before the new semester began, Rose wasn't returning until then so I'd be all alone in my dorm.

I lay with my head in his lap across the sofa watching TV, a blanket covering my lower body and his hand stroking my hair tenderly. I'd been contemplating every free moment presented to me if to ask him about the incident, arguing with myself on how to bring it up. He obviously didn't want to talk about it, or he would have said something, but that wasn't a viable excuse.

"Are you ok, Edward?" I heard myself saying suddenly, his stroking halted slightly before returning to its regular pace. I turned to look at him when he didn't respond. "After what Carlisle…" I began, mistaking his silence.

"I know what you meant," he said sharply and let silence fill the space between us again. I could see he was going to keep me at arms length, and I wouldn't have him force me to silence.

I shot my chin up contesting him. "Why don't you stand up to him, Edward?" I pressed, Edward's eyes flashed to mine in annoyance over my persistence.

"What I did was wrong, there's nothing to dispute," he said shortly, with such conviction in his voice he nearly had me silenced.

"It still doesn't justify him coming down on you the way he did, condemning you like that," I pointed out and saw his jaw clench as I added, "and me."

Edward shifted in his seat, I got up and on my knees next to him in the sofa instead. "I can understand how feeling guilty leads to letting him shout at you, but you let him portray what we have, us, as something filthy and you didn't even object to it."

"What I did was wrong, unforgiveable, he is right to condemn me for it," he said, dodging acknowledging my final remark.

"But what is done is done," I objected frustrated, "you might have been wrong, but I wasn't some damsel in distress you ravaged for the wrong reasons, I wasn't some idle pawn in your evil scheme. We are good together, we're right together," I said desperately, hoping for some sort of response in him, tears welling up in my eyes by his emotionless and stern face.

His features softened slightly, I could see how he let the different angle to this seep into his mind, and I wasn't about to let my window pass. "Don't you see the power he has over you? You accept whatever he says as truth," I said carefully, trying to do this the diplomatic way.

Edward sighed. "He's usually right," he commented lowly.

"Usually," I repeated, "but that doesn't give him the right to say things like he did to you. You've got to stand up to him, Edward," I whispered softly.

"I don't think I can," Edward admit darkly. "It goes against every fiber in my being to oppose him, it's so deep it feels instinctive to want to comply with him," he ended.

As I heard him utter the words realization jolted through me. I was probably the only person in the world who would have recognized this, to any other it would've been a single-layered sentence, but my mind picked up on the familiar pattern.

"You're scared," I breathed automatically, Edward snorted next to me.

"Yes, thanks for pointing that out," he said sardonically.

"No, I mean, you're like me. You're scared to face your fears, instead you avoid it and keep letting him dominate you – even when he's out of line," I urged.

Edward's forehead creased at this, I could see he pondered and compared the situations. "I guess," he agreed carefully.

"But, then you of all people should be able to see what to do," I said enthusiastically. Edward sent me a patronizing glance, as if what I suggested was preposterous.

He coughed and began speaking in a demeaning voice. "Bella, this isn't the same as your anxiety, this is a parental relationship to which it is only normal to comply," he stated superiorly, taking on the Dr. Cullen tone I detested in him.

"This is exactly the same, you're just trying to ease your way out of the implications of your own medicine," I retorted. "You're so scared of not being accepted by him you comply to everything, and you have for a long time, so long it feels natural to avoid confrontation," I drew my breath, "this is just like what you guys told me to face, you told me to stand tall and fucking face my anxiety, no matter how instinctively wrong that may feel – to trust you blindly in that it was the right way to fight fear. Are you going to tell me you don't believe in this yourself? That it might not work?"

Edward wasn't belittling me with his psychiatry-voice anymore when he spoke, instead his voice shivered, close to breaking several times. "This is absurd, he's already disapproved me, there's nothing to fight," he said, his eyes fierce.

"Remember when you said you were going to stop fighting to stay away from me?" I said softly, derailing him from his dark trail, "I think you need to start fighting yourself again, this time to stay with me," I explained.

"Are you saying you would leave me?" He gasped and narrowed his eyes. I shook my head quickly.

"Of course not, but if you cannot believe in yourself, how can I? Honestly, do you expect me to take on my own fears if you don't even believe it's going to work?" I said frankly. "And if I'm not better, then what we've been telling ourselves, the way we've justified being together because it will cure me in the end, then that will be untrue," I felt my heart break saying this, "I'm fighting for us, Edward, I need you to trust in yourself as well."

He turned to me then, his eyes demanding and determined, I felt a chill through my body as I realized what this meant, hoping desperately I was wrong. I wasn't, he'd seen his window and he'd not missed it, he'd probably been scouting for it for as long as he'd known me. "So if I do this you will let me in, completely?" he asked sharply, suspiciously.

I wanted to go back on my word, I didn't want to do this, as he had phrased it earlier, 'with every fiber in my being'. But here it was, I'd got myself in this mess, and I couldn't run away from it – I had my part of this bargain to fulfill as well.

"Yes," I whispered, regretting it instantly.

"You'll stop fighting to keep me out? You'll tell me everything?" He pressed, leaning forwards and catching my eyes in a firm lock. I cringed by the finality of my next words.

"I promise I'll tell you everything," I agreed, but hurried to add, "in time."

This seemed enough for him, he nodded enthusiastically, but the ambivalence of the situation soon flickered in his eyes. He would have to keep his side of the bargain as well.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" Edward asked me with a smirk.

"I can't say I'm looking forwards to it," I added drily, easing closer to him.

He kissed me tenderly. "You can be quite convincing, Miss Swan," he remarked with a sly voice, kissing me again, this time with less tenderness and more lust.

This time, when he began undressing me, there was nothing left of the burning that had fuelled him in the hospital. The only thing I distinguishable was his desire to be with me, I didn't object in any way. I wanted him, badly.

I trailed my fingers up his back underneath his t-shirt before easing it completely off. The vision of his chest distracted me fully, I barely registered that he was currently undoing my bra. I moved my hands up and down his bare torso, taking in how his warm skin's smooth texture sent tingles through the tip of my fingers.

I began kissing his neck, throat, moving down across his belly. He yanked off my bra before leaning back and giving me room to unbutton his pants, meanwhile his large hands were wrapped around the back of my head, beckoning for me to continue.

Zipping down his pants and pulling them off together with his underwear I felt how a sudden plunge of desire arose in me as I laid eyes on his full erection. I grabbed the base of him tightly and moved my lips to the tip slowly. With an even slower move I let him slide into my mouth and while accompanied by his moans I began moving my mouth up and down. I darted my tongue out and licked around the utter most tip, before dropping my head again.

Edward shivered and moaned, his grip on my head tightening, pushing me so far down he hit the back of my throat. This brought him into a frenzy, and I heard him whisper hoarsely, "Faster, oh, god, faster." As I complied with his wishes I felt his muscles tense and warm liquid rushed into my mouth, I swallowed it down quickly and released my grip on him.

I maneuvered my way up to lie next to him, he nuzzled me close into the nook of his arm. I heart his heart still racing, but his body was calm and serene.

"That was amazing," he whispered. I grinned victoriously and hugged closer to his body.

His hands moved over my side and up to my breasts, cupping them and playing tenderly with the nipples. He inched down to trail his tongue around the apex of my right breast, circling around before finally licking the nipple. His hands unbuttoned my pants while his mouth was occupied elsewhere, pulling off my remaining clothes and soon leaving me just as naked as he was. And I was just as turned on as he'd been only a minute ago, aching for him to touch me.

I entangled my hand into his hair and pushed him closer to me, not doing anything but raising my excitement as his strong body pressed against mine. Edward chuckled as I whimpered impatiently.

He moved his lips across my belly, taking his time, my exhilaration growing quickly. He parted my legs and began moving his fingers into me, I moaned by the much anticipated pleasure, my back arching into the air in excitement. Suddenly I felt his soft tongue against my clitoris, his fingers still stimulating me as before, doubling the pleasure. Satisfying me with his mouth carefully at first, gently avoiding the center.

I felt how the orgasm built up inside of me rapidly; sweat breaking on my forehead and perfect bliss spreading across my entire body as he unleashed his rapid licks on the center. The orgasm had my body twitch into spasms of pleasure before the complete feeling of gratification and tranquility overtook me. I sighed in delight and released my grip on Edward's hair. He returned to my side and hugged me tightly towards his chest.

We lay silent for a long time, embracing each other. I felt as if the world only spun for the two of us, paradise was being in his arms. I felt safe, and caught myself thinking telling him everything might not be as bad an idea as I imagined. I quickly arrested myself mentally, not allowing the future horror of revelation taint this moment.

*

I greeted Dr. Cullen's signature professional hello upon my entrance with a snort, and at every chance during the following session I would arch a rebellious eyebrow or insinuatesomething to jab devilishly at him. Like when he'd tried to bring up the incident with my dad at the hospital.

"Can you explain your fight with your dad?" He asked, ignoring my glares from across the desk.

"Sure," I said sourly. "He abandoned my mother and me, I don't want him to feel as if he has a right to be around me," I explained quickly, before adding, "for a parental figure to forsake their child is one of the most unforgiveable things I can think of. Don't you agree?"

Dr. Cullen closed his eyelids in annoyance and breathed heavily. He seemed to decide on taking the high road, opening his eyes and peering directly at me with an authority unparalleled. I nearly wavered and threw myself at his feet to beg for forgiveness for acting disrespectful. I could see how trying to win this person's love and admiration could take its toll on someone over a length of time. Alice, though, had managed fine and seemed to take pleasure in opposing her dad. At the same time, she really didn't have anything to prove, she was his flesh and blood. And, apparently he loved her in spite of her insubordinate and defiant manner.

Dr. Cullen was probably used with having things his way and being able to have an impact on people's lives because of the characteristics he beheld, something in me doubted he actually knew how strongly people around him wanted to refrain from letting him down. When your job was persuading people to face their fears this was a good thing, when you couldn't keep yourself from rejecting your nephew who regarded you as God it wasn't.

"Why do you think he abandoned you?" Dr. Cullen continued, overlooking my snide comment completely.

"I'm not sure, but if I can make a guess I'd say it was probably unjustified anger sparking up in a fight, and then pride keeping him from making it good again," I said in a malicious tone, "but, he never said and I never asked."

I knew I was out of line, Dr. Cullen was trying to help me and had several times come to my rescue when I was in need. But seeing up close how Edward was in pieces after their vile confrontation I experienced the same spiteful needs that I did when Charlie trespassed.

"I'm picking up a lot of hostility in you today," Dr. Cullen's voice said critically at me. I pretended to be shocked by this, all though it was clear to the both of us that I was being quite obnoxious and impolite towards him intentionally. Even though Edward hadn't manned up and faced his fear yet didn't mean I couldn't drop comments indicating my poorly cloaked resentment. "I'm guessing it has to do with Edward and myself, but I'd appreciate if my family matters were not discussed in this room. We're here to help you, if you've got something to say that is related to your problems, then feel free to share," he said simply. I gnashed my teeth at his unruffled manner.

"I've got a problem with my therapist being mean," I heard myself snap. I covered my mouth in surprise after I said it. Dr. Cullen didn't seem offended, if anything he seemed amused.

"I'm hardly being mean, Isabella. I cannot have a member of my therapist team forming intimate relationships like yours with our patients," he said formally.

I huffed loudly. "I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about the crude way you handled it, coming down on him like that was uncalled for," I retorted daringly.

"This is between me and Edward," he repeated dismissively. "Let's talk about you again. Have you had any recent panic attacks or anything alike?"

I sighed and decided to give it a rest, I might as well try and get something out of this session. "Yes, when Alice came to get me. I wandered off and found myself somewhere I didn't want to be," I replied sullenly.

"Is that another metaphor for how you think I mistreated Edward?" Dr. Cullen asked suspiciously.

I shook my head. "No, I really did," I assured him. "But it might as well be," I added under my breath, unable to help myself. Dr. Cullen ignored this promptly.

Opening up to him about how I felt about his treatment of Edward had opened a few of my reservations from earlier. I noticed how simple it was to tell him about the incident by the river, the words practically flowing out of me while describing it. He listened intently, sometimes writing down a word or two with his pen.

"So you'd say water is an anxiety mediator with you? Or was it some other detail?" Dr. Cullen questioned when I'd rounded up saying how Alice came to my rescue.

I couldn't help wincing as he said it, so plainly, so clear. Of course it was, how could it not be? He wasn't aware of the underlying causes as I was, all though making a worthy attempt to unveil them, I was fully conscious about being the only person in this room who viewed the significance of water to my anxiety as paramount and the reason for it clear as day.

"Yes," I agreed shortly, not yet willing to give him the entire hand just because he'd got a grip on my finger.

"And you avoid it not to get panic attacks?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why?"

"Yes." I flinched in my chair, having answered without thinking. Dr. Cullen's eyes were hawk-like on me, regarding me raptly. "I mean, no," I corrected quickly, nervously grasping the handles of my chair. Dr. Cullen arched an eyebrow.

"Any kind of water? Running, deep, any special criteria?" He asked curiously. I didn't know why he let my slip up slide, I figured he was tired of fighting with me and knew he'd find a nice brick wall to bang his head against if he tried to walk down that road.

"I can have a shower or a glass of water without going mental," I replied drily. Dr. Cullen was not amused. "Has to be deep," I attached with a sigh.

He nodded while noting it down. "Deep, all right. How deep?"

I shrugged at his question. I knew what the answer was, as always, but this would be hard enough to at some point tell Edward – I wasn't about to have Dr. Cullen sneaking around in my inner darkness as well.

"Fine, I think we're out of time for today. I'll be orchestrating the session tomorrow instead of Edward, naturally. I'm gonna take use of the idea he planned on executing the last time before you quit, so meet me at the same spot tomorrow. Noon ok?" He said.

The way he could say Edward's name without wincing in shame baffled me. It rolled off his tongue as if it was any other word in the dictionary.

"Noon is ok," I agreed and got up. Before he got the chance to say anything else I streamed out of the office. I wouldn't let him throw pleasantries at me, I was certain even a common 'have a nice day' would make me explode in fury.

That night was the last I was spending at Edward's, first lecture of the semester starting the following day. Rose had already sent me warning text messages threatening to come pick me up herself at his place if I wasn't in my bed when she got back.

I came through the door with my shiny key to his apartment that he'd given to me at breakfast the same day. I heard the sound of casseroles and metal and smelled the sweet aroma of chicken and pasta as I entered. Coming home from therapy with dinner on the table was indescribable delightful, still it had nothing on walking into the kitchen and kissing the chef.

"How was therapy?" He asked while cutting bread. I began setting the table.

"It was fine, he's going to do the exercise session you had planned out already," I informed him, "the one in the park?" I said, hoping he'd reveal what it would entail. Edward merely nodded thoughtfully.

"Ah, yes," he sighed, "I remember I was certain I'd lost you forever when you walked away that day, certain that you'd end up with Jake," he said gloomily.

My eyes found his quickly. "I didn't," I said and smiled. "Now, tell me about what to expect!" I demanded.

Edward chuckled and shook his head. "Patience, dear, patience," he said and placed the chicken and bread on the table, kissing me as he passed me by.

I pouted. "Just a hint? A tiny one?"

"Not a chance," he declined and kissed me again. "You'll just have to wait and see."

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**Same goes for you!**

**Reviews and comments are accepted happily!  
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	28. Chapter 28

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

_Thanks for your great reviews and comments, they have me pushing myself through a slight writers block at the moment (which is weird as the final chapters now are the most exciting by far). By what I can see there's gonna be three more chapters after this one, 31 in all, so we're closing up on Bella's secrets!  
_

_Had to run off to work and am in the middle of moving, so apologize for what I expect to be a less then perfect chapter - structure and grammarwise. Hope you enjoy, still! ;p  
_

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**Chapter 28**

After finishing the chicken dinner Alice and Jasper came over to socialize. I was sure they were partly making sure I wasn't hanging from a rope or tossing myself off the balcony already.

Jasper and I sat in the sofa waiting for Alice and Edward, who shared a hushed conversation in the kitchen. I could discern the tempo of the dialogue, and there was no doubt in my mind that Carlisle's name would be a frequent revisited topic. Alice voice sounded several levels of hysteria higher then Edward's calm and subdued, but I hardly took notice of this, few could match Alice's frantic tone.

"Looking forward to the new semester?" Jasper asked amiably. He had this calming presence about him, as if he shot out rays of serenity my breathing always relaxed when he was close. He was the poster boy for peace, never making much a fuss out of himself, just staying quietly in the background. I was sure he'd make a good therapist.

I changed my attention from trying to eavesdrop to Jasper's question. His eyes held no judgment, but I was sure he knew I had been trying to listen in. "Yeah, I can't wait," I replied quickly, adding a smile.

"Have any interesting classes?" Jasper asked, leaning forwards with an interest so sincere I was just about to hand him an award for being perfectly suited to be a therapist.

"Biological psychology seems interesting," I said. Jasper nodded thoughtfully.

"Edward and I took bio psych our second semester as well, really interesting subject, indeed," Jasper said encouraging.

"And if I'm not mistaken you even scored higher then me," Edward said. He came strolling casually from the kitchen, obviously ignoring the fuming Alice who was at his heels. She seemed less willing to end their conversation then what he did.

Jasper chuckled. "First time and probably last time," he replied sulking.

"Speaking of, how did your exams go?" Edward asked as he sat down next to me, putting an arm around my shoulder and pulling me close, kissing my forehead. Electricity shot up and down my spine by his touch, my eyes instinctively shooting to Alice and Jasper to see how they reacted to this blatant display of affection. They didn't seem to take notice, their conversation carried onwards without hesitation about their scores, and I relaxed into his embrace. Not having to hide it, but actually being able to act like a normal couple, felt unnatural still.

I sat lost in my own thoughts for awhile about how brilliant being able to be in a relationship with Edward openly felt, not at all taking away the excitement I'd been afraid had been there just because of the secrecy.

I felt Edward's arm nudge me softly out of my absentmindedness. "Bella?" He asked smiling by my distractedness.

"Oh, sorry, drifted off there," I excused blushing, realizing they'd been talking to me. "What did you say?"

"Jasper asked how your exams went," Alice repeated to me slowly, as if I had brain damage and not just a preoccupied mind. I sent her a wry glance, she could be quite the firecracker when she didn't have things her way, probably letting her frustration with Edward out on me.

"My exams," I blinked and grimaced. "I've not had time to check, actually."

Edward stirred next to me. "Really? You don't know?"

I shook my head. "I don't even know where to check," I admit and grimaced.

"Check the internet, they put the results up there," Jasper informed me. I nodded and sat back into Edward's nook. I noticed they were all still looking at me.

"What?" I asked confused, my eyes darting from one expectant face to the next. "You want me to check… now?" I asked resistant. I knew they were just as smart as beautiful, checking my mediocre scores in front of them would only fuel my lack of self confidence.

Alice nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! I love to hear people's scores, feels like being let in on secrets!" She chimed happily.

"Glad to see you cheered up," I remarked drily, Alice stuck her tongue out childishly in response.

Edward stretched and grabbed his laptop off the table, handing it just a tad bit too helpfully to me. I groaned and flipped it open, reluctantly letting Edward show me where to log in and where to navigate to find my grades.

"And then just click 'results'," Edward explained and moved the cursor over the text. I grabbed his hand in a quick restraint.

"Need a second," I breathed and swallowed nervously. I quickly thought to myself what grades I would be ok with, which was pretty much anything from a pass and up, hoping there would be no 'F' flashing when I entered. I closed my eyes and clicked the left mouse key, holding my breath.

"Well?" Alice asked impatiently from where she sat, I could hear she was leaning forwards. Jasper whispered something unintelligible to her, probably to keep her from making this a big deal in case I'd failed every single course.

"Open your eyes, Bella," Edward whispered softly into my ear. I sighed and obeyed.

It wasn't so bad, there were three classes in total. I read down the list, a B in math, a B in chemistry and then the glorious A in microbiology. My eyes widened and I felt the sweet taste of accomplishment rush in over me. Edward hugged me closer.

"What! What!" Alice nearly shouted from her seat, Jasper chuckled by her eagerness.

"She aced microbiology," Edward said proudly on my behalf, picking up on my current speechlessness.

"Yay!" Alice cheered and clapped her hands.

Jasper's jaw fell. "Wow, really? Stanley's class? That's incredible, she doesn't hand out her A's easily. Congratulations, Bella, that's really impressive," Jasper praised.

"Thanks," I muttered happily, unable to take my eyes off the letter. Edward pressed the 'statistics' button and confirmed Jasper's claim. Only 7 out of 185 students had achieved higher then a B.

Going to bed that night I couldn't help but think, fired up by my A and the fact that I was in Edward Cullen's arms, that my life really was taking a turn to the better. I began hoping, daring to hope that there would be a day where I could feel as if I could control my life. I hugged closer to Edward's chest feeling his lips kiss my forehead tenderly in return.

"Sleep, my sweet Bella, you've got a big day tomorrow," he whispered. I shuddered.

*

I wish I could say I slept like a child, but I hardly slept at all. I kept tossing and turning, waking up dazed and confused, every time I opened my eyes feeling as if I'd just experienced something terrible. But every time I opened my eyes it was gone, and there was just Edward's steady breathing and warm body next to me.

I nuzzled back into his arms, all though averse to falling asleep once more, I closed my eyes dutifully. I had to be rested for tomorrow, for Edward, for myself. I had to face my darkness and fight it. Tomorrow.

Painstakingly slowly tomorrow turned into the present before my insomniac eyes. Edward stirred by the sound of the alarm, reaching over to his cell and turning it off with a groan. He rolled back over to me, catching me in his embrace again. "Good morning," he said groggily into my ear.

"Morning," I replied less affected by the sudden alarm. I'd been awake for ages, staring nervously at the ceiling. My body was in complete flight-mode, trying to convince my conscious to find some way to avoid the upcoming horrors. I felt how my thoughts frequently drifted towards escape plans, considering everything from not showing up at all to breaking up with Edward in hopes of being let off the hook. This devious, frightened, part of myself hated the other steadfast part of myself which never wavered. I wanted to face this, overcome it, and the fear that accompanied that decision had to be withstood.

Edward reacted to my alert voice and crawled to lay on top of me, his face inches away from mine, eyes locked on mine. "Something wrong? Worried about today?" He asked concerned.

I tried to avoid his scrutinizing gaze, knowing I'd have to lie. "No, I'm all right," I said untruthfully, glancing away.

He used his hand to lock my face to his, his eyes following mine. "Are you ok?" He pressed.

"It's nothing," I began, rolling my eyes at the same time. Edward arched an eyebrow and said nothing. "It's just… I've never had anyone else with me but you, I'm just worried since it's not you who's going to be there," I said, my voice ending in a whisper. Edward's forehead creased.

"He's a brilliant therapist, Bella, there's nothing to worry about," Edward said, biting his lip, "he's very professional."

"Yes, I know, and I want this, I just can't help worrying. I said it was nothing," I said accusingly.

"But?" He asked suspiciously, catching a cringe I was sure he'd miss.

I sighed deeply by his relentlessness. "But, I can't help but being affected by his lack of professional insight lately. I've seen him act far from professional when it comes to you," I blurted out finally. Edward sighed.

"Don't worry, he'd never do this with you if he wasn't certain he could handle it. How he acts towards me is something entirely different from who he is with his patients," Edward assured me, "he's nothing if not professional," he repeated darkly.

I craned my neck to kiss him softly on his lips. "You're right, I'm probably just trying to find reasons to split," I admit sheepishly and met his condemning glance.

"Don't you try and run away from me now," Edward whispered before kissing me back.

He drove me all the way to the western garden after breakfast. While getting ready I couldn't quite shake the feeling of anxiousness, one I'd never experienced before. I felt queasy, numb and on edge, my pulse quickening with every ticking second bringing me closer to noon.

Edward had registered that something was off quickly, at breakfast his tone had taken on an examining characteristic when he had to repeat his questions, he'd shot me worried glances when I couldn't manage to hold the butter knife without trembling, and he'd even frowned visibly when I jumped up in a start by him dropping a plate to the floor. I'd felt so under inspection by him in the end that I'd excused myself and taken a shower to relax.

At first I told myself it was a reaction to knowing of an upcoming threat that had me on my toes, that my body was preparing itself for the anxiety it knew now as unavoidable. As I walked through the western garden in the crisp winter air, my feet threading on the bare ground, the snow washed away in a previous rain shower, and as my eyes fell on Dr. Cullen's it hit me how unusual what I felt was.

The times Edward and I'd gone through this together previously I'd not been in the dark on the fact that there'd be confrontation, yet I'd never been this on edge before. Tension ran through my muscles as if I was already fighting, my mind beginning to go into panic mode even before I said hello to Dr. Cullen.

He was his strong self, standing tall and sure in front of me, nodding securely at my hello. I knew his character was supposed to have a calming effect on me, that I was supposed to react to him being a rock.

My mouth was dry, my pulse quickened so much I was certain my arteries were bulging visibly. I was terrified, and he'd not yet made me face anything.

I tried to gather myself, to at least keep myself in check until he made me do something, I didn't want to fall apart in front of him. I owed it to Edward, to our deal, to make every effort to get myself through this. I pushed myself, and even though barely, I managed to follow Dr. Cullen's modest pace towards the woods flanking the park.

Crossing over the border from the faded green grass to the rugged wooden ground I heard something that jolted my memory. Barking. I'd faintly registered it the last time I'd been here with Edward, but so caught up in my anger towards him then I'd written it off as mere background noise from a coincidental dog on a walk with his owner.

As we moved closer into the woods I realized that the barks were getting closer, and a few feet after the trees engulfed us fully I spotted two great Danes tied to a trunk. They jumped energetic up and down by the sight of us, clearly happy to see us, pulling their leashes.

Anxiety soared up inside of me, peaking instantly. Usually I'd take time to reach panic attack zenith, needing time to build it up and danger to fill my veins, but this time it had already been stewing inside of me. It boiled over as I laid my eyes on the dogs, their barks loud and enthusiastic.

With a loud gasp and an agonized shriek I fell to the ground, my head running wild, my body living a life of its own. This time, compared to when with Edward, the panic didn't feel close to manageable, I felt as if I was a kite cut loose in a sky of darkness. I let it have me, I let it control me completely.

EPOV

From the second I met Bella and through our bumpy ride towards where we found ourselves today I'd never seen this behavior in her. Something, I couldn't put my finger on it, was not right. At first, as she let me in on her being nervous, I blew it off as mere anticipation having her on edge, but throughout the morning routines I noticed how tense she was.

I knew I could be overreacting, I was in a place where there was a big chance that I'd call an ambulance if Bella got a paper cut. I defied my feeling of being overprotective and jumped at the first chance of calling Carlisle that I had. As Bella went to shower I pulled out my phone rapidly, not even considering how to explain this to him.

He'd called me once after telling me off in the hospital, Bella was asleep at the time and I'd eased out into the kitchen to speak to him in private. He'd apologized for letting his anger get the best of him, but maintained that what I'd done was wrong and pulled me off the trial for good. The trial was only a side project for extra credits, and with no life threatening impact to me, but sure; it still hurt.

Our tone had been cool then, restricted and nearly mock polite. I was sure Esme sat dictating him in the background, or that he was reading from a manuscript she'd written him. There was no masking how reluctant his apology was, and he was not interested in hearing my side this time either. I let him walk all over me again.

Even though I'd agreed to stand up to him earlier that evening with Bella, I wasn't about to do it over the phone or rashly. At least I was aware of the fact when I spoke to him now, I could see the mechanics of our relationship clearer, and it dawned on me how right Bella was. I'd been avoiding it for too long.

Carlisle answered briskly, I heard his breath was rushed from what would be his morning jog, and I realized I didn't know what to say.

"Edward," he breathed, "hello."

"Carlisle, hey, I've got to talk to you about Bella," I said hurriedly in a hushed voice. If she walked in on me now I'd have a lot of explaining to do. Still, it didn't feel as crossing a huge line, I wasn't about to gush out secret information or anything.

"Okay," he said shortly and I heard him drink some water, "what about?"

"She's not acting like herself today, I'm starting to think it might not be a good idea to follow through with the session today," I began, recognizing how I should've approached this a bit more subtly. Carlisle's complete silence confirmed my doubts.

"Really? She seemed fine to me yesterday, mentally strong, I mean," he objected authoritatively, "really strong minded, actually," he added dryly. I refused to be swayed immediately.

"Yes, to me as well," I agreed, "but she's edgier then I'd like today. I'm thinking it might not be wise to throw her into this when she might not be ready," I explained.

"She's already been through several successful sessions, are you suggesting that it's me as a therapist that makes the difference?" He asked with annoyance.

"I'm just saying it might be better to regain some confidence with her, I think the incident at the hospital might interfere with the session's success," I pressed, hoping he'd listen to me.

"Thank you for your input, but as you might recall I'm the educated professional here," he put pressure on the word professional as he said it, "and in the future I'd like it if you kept your speculations to yourself," he finished abruptly, his voice thundering.

"I'm only considering.." I began, pressuring myself to stand up to him. I felt so weak, so intimidated, my voice was a mere pleading whisper.

"Are you sure this isn't you picking up on mere natural nervous behavior and interpreting it towards me being incompetent? It would only be natural for you to want to prove yourself better then me after letting me down as you did," he asked. I sighed and let him convince me, all though offended by his rough words I knew I'd been worried I was being overprotective and letting my feelings for Bella interfere with my judgment. He was right again.

"I guess," I replied defeated.

"Look, I have to hurry back to get there in time, I'll se you later, Edward," he ended and hung up.

I tapped my steering wheel nervously as I recalled the previous phone calls with him. It was hard enough to fight someone you admired when you fundamentally disagreed, worse when he was constantly right. I sighed as I thought this, remembering Alice's "pep-talk" in the kitchen the evening before. Leave it to her to want to fuel my rebellion.

"He's not God, Edward, he too can be pig-headed and stubborn," she insisted. I shook my head at her adamant involvement in my life, wanting to fight my fights for me, but still needing me to do it on my own.

"He apologized, he decided what I did was still unprofessional and overstepping and removed me from the trial," I summed for her, "it's all ok now," I assured her wearily.

Her eyes narrowed. "It's not! You should've jumped at the opportunity when he was being an ass – before he apologized, it's not right that you let yourself be dominated like this," she pointed out.

"Look, I'm going to stand up to him, just not this second," I said, trying to fend her off.

"Just be on the look out for his moronic behavior then, to a trained eye," she pointed at her self, "it's easy to catch, but to an admirer it's not so much," she pointed at me.

I rolled my eyes. "He did the right thing in this though," I repeated.

"He didn't! Or, he might, but he might not have. You'll never know because you accept his word as truth, if you'd objected he might've seen it from a less distanced angle," she said, nearly jumping up and down in eagerness to prove her point.

"There's no other angle then the professional view," I replied drily, not understanding how to view this problem in any other way.

Alice hissed. "Well, hello there, Carlisle," she remarked angrily at me. "There might be, you'll never know if you don't fight him," she grumbled.

"Stop nagging me, Alice," I begged exhaustedly.

I began to turn to end this conversation, Alice complaining at my termination with a whimper, following me into the living room. "Just consider that he might be wrong sometimes," she'd whispered at me before dancing over to sit next to Jasper.

I watched as Bella reached Carlisle and how they walked together into the darkness of the woods. A sting in my chest told me I wished it was me taking her into the forest to face the dogs, it was supposed to be me. She trusted me.

My forehead wrinkled involuntarily as I thought this. She trusted me. I considered the possibility of her only pulling through the sessions successfully before because of our bond, but dismissed it as I remembered she'd herself told me she'd conquered the darkness herself on several occasions.

I couldn't quite shake the lingering feeling though, there was something off. Her darkness did intrigue me greatly, her necrophobia as Carlisle and I had labeled it. Fear of dying. We had struggled to find the things she feared the most, those which reminded her of what initially had put the fear of death in her. Somehow her irrational and unexpected fear of dogs had caught my attention. She'd mentioned in passing as an example, but there was something about a girl growing up feeling safe around enormous dogs ending up connecting them mentally as related to thinking she'd die.

There was something morbid about the whole idea, scaring her to death, I'd thought it ironical when Carlisle had remarked it. We'd make her jump into what she irrationality thought would kill her to make her see it wouldn't, and then she'd be cured.

This of course demanded great trust in your therapist, not many would pull the trigger just by someone telling them that the fact that it would kill you was only in your head. And Bella had trusted me enough to put herself through it, soon trusting herself enough to overcome the darkness on her own.

Suddenly it hit me, like lightning from blue skies, the times she'd fought the darkness herself had not been related to her death. It hadn't been the cliff, the cliff was special and was deeply connected to the origin of her fear, not any random situation that was in fact on it own life threatening.

I couldn't be certain that the dogs would have such severe impact as the cliff had, but something inside of me told me they were. She'd been a child with her dogs around her, after her mother's death she'd been afraid of them again.

My heard pounded, there was so much I didn't understand, but one thing was clear. She didn't trust Carlisle enough to get through this successfully, he'd been wrong and now Bella would suffer the consequences.

I got out of my car and began running towards the edge of the park when my phone began ringing. I flipped it open while running, not even looking at the ID. Carlisle's voice sounded hurried from it, "Edward, you've got to come quickly, I need your help."

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_Was planning on writing the entire session in this chapter, but seems time has run out on me and decided I'll just torment you with another (unintentional) cliffhanger ;p_

_Reviews and comments are accepted happily!  
_


	29. Chapter 29

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

_Here's what has to be the most revealing chapter to this point in the story; yes, there's actual Renee-history being unveiled. Hopefully you've picked up on the small things along the way put there to make this scene a bit more meaningful (like her psychotic episode, her dogs, etc).  
_

_Hopefully I'll have this wrapped up in two more chapters. I'm beginning to realize they'll both be incredible long, so don't be all too surprised if it takes a few more then that for this to come to an end. _

_Thank you for your devoted interest to the storyline, please don't stop the marvellous feedbacks! _

_Enjoy!_

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**Chapter 29**

**EPOV**

When I crossed the border into the forest I braced myself, I pushed all my conflicting emotions to the back of my head, burying all the anger I felt towards Carlisle and the love towards Bella. If there was something I was absolutely certain of it was that I had to remain level headed, now more then ever. Bella needed the professional in me now, she didn't need me breaking down.

I gathered myself and rushed towards the barking, spotting Carlisle hovering over Bella's shuddering body. Guttural sounds erupted from her mouth resonating throughout the empty woods, echoed by the howling from the dogs.

Sizing the situation up I rushed past Carlisle, who raised a feeble hand to gesture his helplessness. I wasted no time on him, his person wiped from my radar quickly; there was only Bella and me.

"She just fell to the ground the second she saw them," Carlisle explained, running his hand through his hair panicky.

Her frail body lay across the barren ground, her fingers digging into the dirt in desolation as if she wanted to grab onto something; anything. I took her into my arms rapidly, shushing and rocking her. Somewhere in the distance Carlisle stood, observing us in silence.

Bella wasn't ok. She'd been able to manipulate her actions over her emotions when we'd had sessions, even when unaccompanied she'd reported commanding the scenario to some extent. There'd always been darkness taking her in, but I'd never seen her lose control like she currently was. Convulsing in pain and cries had happened before, but that succeeded her pressuring herself first and then overcoming it. The Bella in my arms was beyond conscious reach, the darkness had swallowed her mercilessly, drowning her.

I reveled in the fact that she seemingly reacted to my presence, just me holding her appeared to drag her back towards cognitive control. Her spasms and sobbing subsided slowly, and soon her eyes focused on mine. She was back.

Her tiny fingers wrapped themselves around my skin, tugging me closer to her as if I was her lifeline in an unruly ocean of her menace, begging for me to pull her back to shore.

Then I took what had to be the biggest chance I'd ever take in my entire life. The decision came upon me the second she was back, the nanosecond I recognized her strength having returned. "Are you ok?" I checked first. She nodded weakly, sighing to shrug off the tension. She relaxed in my arms, smiling as she hugged me closer to thank me for rescuing her. Then I threw her back in, cut the line, so to say.

I eased her out of my lap and put her gently back onto the ground, standing up straight. I peered down at her, my face blank. Bella gazed up at me at a loss, unable to read the sudden change of my behavior. "I want you to approach the dogs," I said sternly, yet letting my tone have some semblance of compassion in it. She had to understand I cared for her.

Bella eyed me as if I was deranged, utterly floored by my instructions. Her eyes flashed warily towards the dogs, her muscles tensing just by looking at them, then darted back to mine, pleading to let her off the hook. I did not waver, stoically peering back at her. A disagreeing word caught in her throat as she correctly read my solemn stance.

She got to her knees, brushing off some dirt, cringing at the continued barks to her left. "Edward, please, I'm not ready," she whispered imploringly.

I displayed only outward calm at her beseeching whines, gesturing with a firm hand towards the dogs. Inside my emotions soared, I wanted to take her into my arms and tell her she was right, she didn't have to do this today, that we'd pursue her freedom later.

This was a lie. I recognized her pleading for what it was, she was using her brown tear filled doe eyes to escape this, trying every single angle to evade the darkness again. I knew it was difficult, it would demand whatever strength that remained in her weary body, but this was inescapable. I wouldn't let my need to protect her stand in the way for what I knew would save her.

"You're ready, Bella. I know you can do this," I encouraged in a neutral tone. She looked at me as if she'd been slapped, petulantly getting to her wobbly feet while clamping her lips shut in frustration at my steadfastness. I flanked her immediately, ready to guide her into her fear. "There's nothing to fear," I said confidently.

I did the textbook scene, sauntering casually across the distance between us and the dogs, letting their saliva dripping tongues brush my outstretched hand. To show exactly how docile they were I hunched down to my knees, my face to theirs and hugging them both. "They are perfectly safe," I stated again.

Bella fought tears as I turned to face her again, promising signs of her actually contemplating plunging into this with me. "It's supposed to be difficult, but there's nothing to fear," I repeated towards her, stretching my hand out towards her. The one not covered in saliva, for good measure.

She'd accepted I wasn't giving her any leeway by now, biting her lip, clearly conflicted to whether to run or stay. She took an uncertain step towards me, wincing in pain as she put it down as if she'd just plunged her foot through a nail. Her throat emit frustrated gasps as she struggled to keep control.

And following, against her better judgment, she took another step. "Great, Bella," I encouraged, willing her closer to me, "only a few steps left."

This was a two-edged sword. She could snap at any time, and in that process she could end up shutting me out and having the darkness ravage her from ever being able to force herself to face it again. But I had confidence in her, she could do this.

She twisted in wretchedness as one of the great Dane's tugged it's leash towards her, what it would consider a greeting she considered an attack. Her body was fully alerted and she flinched visibly by his movement, taking a step backwards.

"You know they aren't dangerous," I whispered across the distance to her, her eyes flickering briefly towards me before back to them. She assessed them as if they were wolves, ready to rip her throat out any second. "You've had dogs like this before, you _know _they aren't dangerous," I pressed again. Seeing how she hesitated now, her determination blanching in front of me, I desperately reached out to her with my words.

"Bella, you want to face this," I said uncompromising, unyielding to her obvious terror. A lesser man, I thought, would've given in to his weakness in this moment. I endured, I grit my teeth just as hard as she did, refusing to let my need to grab her and extract her from the situation that was clearly causing her pain.

"I do," she agreed reluctantly, and took another step.

My heart fluttered as she morphed in front of me from a little cornered girl pleading for help to a resolute, straight-backed and fearless woman. She took another step, though her foot shook in fear it found its ground doggedly, another step following insistently shortly thereafter.

The dogs whined in exasperation from her slow approach, I hushed them calmingly. Bella stood merely feet away now, her lips even curling into a slight smile of accomplishment. She looked at me, expecting praise for her achievement. I shot her down mercilessly, gazing humorlessly back at her.

Her face fell as I cynically spoke. "Now touch them," I demanded austerely.

I nearly smiled at the anger I sparked in her, her nostrils flaring. "You're stalling," I said, snapping her out of her livid glower.

The little lost girl reappeared as she turned to the dogs again; pain flashing across her face as if someone had ripped off a band-aid. Her eyes narrowed, she gained control over her fear again and resolutely stretched out her hand towards the dog closest to her.

The dog didn't hesitate, jumping at the chance to greet this strange human, pulling towards her. Just as Bella's hand reached its wet snout it was as if her fear was dispelled, she took a giant step into the pair of the animals letting them rub happily against her without resistance. "On a scale, one to ten, how high is your anxiety now?" I asked her sternly.

"Four," she whispered unblinking.

I stepped back away to regard the situation fully, watching her tears stream down her face. For once they weren't out of misery, but unclouded bliss. She let her hands stroke their fur, pulling them closer, laughing softly as they licked her playfully.

I'd seen this transformation before, you could cure an arachnophobiac in only one session. It was even simpler in Bella's case, where there'd never been an original fear of dogs, only what the dogs represented.

Carlisle was next to me then, I'd forgotten all about his presence until then. He seemed as lost in the picture of Bella with the dogs as I; it was the ending to a session all cognitive therapists lived for.

He coughed to introduce the conversation to me; I feigned being too lost in the image of Bella in front of me to take notice. He sighed. "Some show," he said finally.

I don't know what got to me the most. Either it was the way he downplayed the miracle in front of us, or that he wasn't on his knee's right about now, pleading for my forgiveness. Something snapped inside of me. I'd just stood audience to Bella's unfathomable courage, how she'd pulled herself through what to her seemed like dying, for me, for _us. _And here I stood the next second, not only with the guy who I'd promised to stand up to in return, but the guy who'd nearly kept this from happening. And he wasn't even climbing down from his pedestal?

I snarled at him. "I told you she didn't trust you." He lifted his hands defensively, buffering my attack.

"Now, wait a second…" He began with his usual berating tone. I knew what the normal script said would follow; he'd somehow find a way to make himself come out right, victorious and demeaning me in the process into accepting what counted was that I'd somehow been wrong.

"Shut up," I said frostily, without any savage explosion of emotions; my reaction was one hundred percent controlled and intentionally. All though adrenaline simmered underneath my skin and I felt the need to succumb to his authority, I knew I wouldn't waver. Just like Bella I would face this.

Carlisle snorted at me as if I was a petulant child rebelling. "Edward, you're out of line-"

His favorite reprimanding speech starting line. "You're out of line," I growled. "I warned you this would happen, she didn't trust you enough for you to force her into this, but you blew me off like the arrogant ass you are," I said, perhaps a bit too offensively.

Carlisle arched an eyebrow, unfazed. "I'm a fully capable therapist, Edward," he said defensively.

"You know this is a special case, this wasn't your usual fear of the dark crap. I know you've been banging your head against the wall on this one," I remarked referring to our previous discussions about treatment throughout previous semester. "You were wrong to do this, you put her in danger," I yelled furiously.

I saw Carlisle's need to rectify himself conquered by his humiliation. He might have a huge ego, but he wasn't stupid. I was convinced he'd see reason if presented to him. "It's a special case," he agreed calmly. He wasn't resisting me anymore.

"I just want what's best for her, I've always wanted what's best for her," I sighed exhausted.

"I'm afraid you won't see what's best for her, that your judgment is clouded," he replied with a worried crease between his brows.

I laughed hysterically. "My judgment?" I coughed. "You're one to speak, you pressed her into this insanity when you knew she didn't trust you just because you were too proud to admit to yourself that there might be a possibility I was doing the right thing," I drew my breath, "even though it doesn't encompass as ethically right in your books."

"Being with a patient like that is wrong," he snapped angrily, reflexively.

"In this situation it wasn't," I said confidently, eyeing Bella who was still hugging the dogs tenderly. She shot us wary glances, clearly within earshot, sending me a smile at my words. I turned to Carlisle again, putting my full force into the next words. "In this situation it's what going to save her."

Carlisle threw his hands into the air, but there was no anger in him, no high horse or anything alike. I realized he was only buying himself time before he'd budge.

"You just envisioned me cure her fear of dogs, after you screwed up and begged for my help," I said, "now tell me you think my bond to her is at all negatively affecting her treatment."

Carlisle said nothing, crestfallenly watching Bella amidst the dogs she'd only half an hour ago been unable to even imagine herself getting closer to.

"Let me help her," I pleaded, stepping closer to him. "I don't care if I'm back on trials, I don't care if you never speak to me again; I need you to tell me you think I can help her."

He turned to me slowly, speaking in a rueful tone. "I'm sorry, Edward," he began. My heart skipped a beat, falling to my stomach in despair. He was about to dismiss me again, "I see I've misjudged this relationship. I've refused to believe it, but there's no denying there's some loophole thing going on with you two here," he smiled sadly.

Bella gasped audibly from the ground, pushing an eager dog's head away from her line of sight to us.

"Really?" I breathed, unbelieving my ears.

"I was certain at one point you'd cave into her pain and prove me right in front of my eyes, but you stood tall, time and time again. I can honestly say I'm not sure I'd be able to do the same if in your shoes, hell, I don't even dare make Esme take a rollercoaster ride," he added placating, I chuckled in return. "You did what I, a great therapist I might add, couldn't; you did it because of your bond with her," he admit.

I realized now he'd been aware of this the entire time while we fought, perhaps even longer, and understood that was possibly what had had him resist it so fiercely. His reluctance to see what he knew to be defying his fundamental beliefs had made him want to prove it wrong, to vindicate himself, to the bitter end.

The man who stood before me now was no longer fighting it, he'd accepted what we, Bella and I, had made him see unfold before his eyes. The truth. That together she and I would save her.

"I know I've fought you on this, even taken a stroll on the crazy side of town," Carlisle said sardonically. "I'm certain now you will be good for her. I'm proud of you, son." He put an emphasizing hand on my shoulder and tugged it while speaking.

I felt happiness creep inside of me, wallowing in his words, saving them and repeating them to myself. He's said them before, he was often proud of my scholar accomplishments, but never in a million years did I expect them from him after I'd confronted him like this. I'd blatantly stated he'd been wrong and that his ethics were flawed, and now he told me he was satisfied? My world spun.

"But," he added drily, "I won't be as forgiving if you to do this with every patient needing help."

Bella huffed from underneath her furry companions. We shared a chuckle towards her as she approached us, brushing off dirt from her pants. I stifled my laugh when I laid eyes on her bothered face. She came to stand with us, her eyes falling to the dogs playing with each other by the tree trunk. She unconsciously leaned towards them, wanting to be with them, back between their warm and hairy comfort.

It was a day for confrontations.

"I've got something to tell you guys," she whispered against her own will, her hands balling up on her side. "I should've told you a long time ago, I should've told someone, everyone, but-" She broke herself off, staring off into the distance, her eyes filling up with liquid.

Her eyes met mine, oceans of sadness hitting me forcefully, knocking me off balance. Was this it? Would she tell me everything now? I pondered dazedly, holding my breath in anticipation.

Her voice croaked as she spoke, her eyes diverting ours. "It's difficult," she laughed a tiny acid laugh at her own weakness. She stomped her feet angrily, as to march herself into it when her whole body clearly resisted the effort she was making. "I don't know if I can," she murmured and hugged herself, shaking now.

I knew she was trying to access her darkness now, treading into unexplored territory with intent to banish the lingering pain by coming clean. I'd never seen anyone react like this before, the silent battle inside of her so incredibly visible on her miserable features, her limbs shaking as if not able to withstand the emotional rollercoaster running inside of her.

I'd never doubted the physiological effect psychological traumas could have on ones body, there was no question you could not yourself be aware of pain and still take affect of it because of psychological unconscious mechanisms. But this was different. She was pushing these psychological origins that had misguided her into obedience to fear into the surface now, and it was rendering her physically affected.

I watched my girl gasp for air as she fought silently against the miles of qualms she experienced, all the cons to the pro telling her sweetly she could just succumb and this pain would never have to be felt. She could go back to being tame in the face of darkness, it would be simple. I could practically hear the siren call beckoning her to give in, to put down her resistance and yield.

I grabbed her quivering hand, it was moist and calm at the same time. Her shallow breath halted at my touch, my eyes locking on her chocolate seas of trepidation. "I'm here, I love you, be strong," I begged as she looked to me for savior.

She swallowed and drew her breath, bravery portrayed on her face as she steadied to say the dreaded words. I heard even Carlisle hold his breath. Then she wavered and exhaled defeated and cried out in frustration instead. "It's impossible," she objected, defending her fear. She took its side over our, fighting for it now, instead of fighting for us.

"It's not, you want this, you want us," I pressed softly, hoping to not scare her by being too bold with my words. Too rash now and she'd jump back into her shell.

She eyed me skeptically, weighing my words to their sincerity and truth. I could just about read her mind as she looked at me. _Do I really?_

"You just have to trust me," I whispered to put down her doubt. "Fight, Bella," I urged again.

Of course I had some inkling of what would come when she first opened her mouth. It'd be something about her mom, at least. I'd prepared my comforting speech with Carlisle earlier when we'd worked her case. He'd prepared me that it all had probably begun when her mother died. Possibly during the time before; realizing at an early age that she herself was mortal, putting the fear of death in her. I'd pressed that we'd find her journals to assess what she'd actually been victim to, but Carlisle declined. This wasn't about facts; this was about Bella's view of the facts.

I personally embraced my naïve optimistically view that her dad hadn't abandoned her completely, I was convinced no father would stay away when his child watched her mother wither away to cancer. He'd probably been there, to some extent, but what mattered weren't the facts. What mattered was that Bella _believed_ she'd been abandoned by him, and that was her fact. A child losing their mother, especially when they felt alone in the process, could be devastating.

She could be carrying all kinds of guilt, sadness and fear that molded her into the panicked girl standing in front of me now, desperately trying to avoid reliving her nightmares, yet at the same time pushing to do that exact thing.

We'd tell her that it wasn't her fault, that death was random and that the things she connected to her mother's death and the phobic fear that arose coming in contact with these was irrational and manageable. We'd tell her everything was going to be all right, that he mother loved her and her father hadn't abandoned her. It was simple solution to a messy problem.

We'd prepared for this for so long, both of us, I felt Carlisle tensing in hope next to me as well. We prayed for her to confess to us so we could jump at her emotions and convince her they were in fact misplaced, that she had no real reason to be afraid.

I needed for her to speak so I could give the words to her salvation.

I'd practically expected her to be fine mere seconds after she finally overcame her barriers, that my rehearsed words of reason would free her the next instant. She'd throw her arms around my neck and bury me in kisses, being perfectly healthy, and thanking me for making her realize death was nothing to fear; she'd now be able to think back on her mother's death and accept it.

I wasn't prepared at all for what she said when she in the end pressed the words reluctantly out of her shaking mouth. Tears streamed down her face accompanying the distress in her voice, her fingers grasping at me for physical support, eyes boring into mine relentlessly.

And then she spoke.

"There were many…" She began hesitantly before arresting herself. I felt my heart sink, would she pull out now? But I recognized her surprised features, as if her facial muscles were just catching up with the decision to speak after it'd been said. She smiled the briefest of brief sad smiles, just a quick glimpse of victory, before she continued. "She and dad fought a lot before he left, he'd had enough of her lethargic behavior and apathy, he said. I overheard them quarrel from through my bedroom door every night, listening in to how he said he hated who she'd turned into."

I wrinkled my brows in confusion, but settling on that she might have changed personality because of a brain tumor. Perfectly common side effect, I told myself silently, still looking forwards to telling Bella this with my comforting voice.

Bella's eyes stared out into the distance as she spoke again. "He left," she stated simply, resentment easily discernible. "He left me with her," she repeated, but there was something changed in her voice now. It wasn't anger directed to him that lingered in her voice, it was… I ran through my emotional register and tried to pin point it. She moved on too quick for me to locate it.

"She got increasingly strange, turning from the gleeful mother I'd once known and into a slob on the couch, springing from hysteria one second, into rambles the next," she said it with a certain monotony of her voice, trying not to let her reminiscing influence her speech too much.

I recognized she'd reacted as predicted; the worst part was overcoming the fear of coming clean, now that she had won the words flowed easily.

"I got home from school, a random day, I remember I'd skinned my knee from not mastering the art of bicycling," she grinned wryly, her eyes hiding the massive effort her brain was putting up behind their lenses. "Mom was holding this… Uh," she paused trying to come up with the word, "wrench?"

Bella gazed up at us for confirmation, holding her hand raised and imaginarily clenched around its handle. Both Carlisle and I nodded carefully; I hoped he was as perplexed with where this was going as I was.

I'd expected hospital stories, how horrible it was seeing her mother shrivel up into unrecognizable skin and bones and then I'd save her from her sadness for blaming her mother for something she wasn't in control of. Death. The big D. No match for Edward, psychology his puppet.

This was different. There was an edge to her voice, ominous if you may, that alerted me there theme of this story would be far from cancerous lumps.

"Her face was so blank," she whispered, as if the words she spoke were ludicrous, "but her hand was mangled, I saw the marks where the serrated fangs had locked, red fiery scratches from the claws over her chest," she said it quickly, pausing only slightly to glance towards the dogs by the tree, "the wrench dripping of blood."

Her eyes fell on us again, expectant, yet gleaming of confusion. "She made some unintelligible remarks about why she did it, I don't know, there wasn't much sense to it to me," Bella said hoarsely.

"What had happened?" I urged, had I been sitting I'd been on my seat.

She said it with a harsh tone, explaining it without signs of emotions. "She'd taken the wrench and beaten both our dogs to unrecognizable corpses."

I was dumbstruck, not expecting this at all. The echoes of hysteric screams from Bella's psychotic episode outsides the biology auditorium ringed in my ears.

_Don't you hurt me, I know what you did, I saw you, I can see the bite marks on your hand, don't you think I don't know._

Carlisle, years of training to his aid, masked his surprise better then what I could. I gasped out loud, imagining being eight and finding my mother having beat my pets to death. No small feat, either, looking at the size of them, I thought disbelievingly.

"I buried Cooper and Josh together with her later that day, she begged for my forgiveness, telling me they'd take me away if we told anyone. She promised that nothing like it would ever happen again," she paused. "It didn't," she added thoughtfully.

"Still, I can imagine this episode to be enough to seriously scar-" Carlisle began the introduction to his trained speech. Bella cut him off.

"She wasn't herself," Bella said supporting her mother, "I get it," she said weakly.

"The tumor must've affected her to have such a lapse in judgment," Carlisle continued professionally.

Bella's brows furrowed at his words instinctively, before she grimaced guiltily for just a second. She masked this expression quickly, turning to regard me. "It was horrible," she said sadly. "After dad left and mom went all weird on me, they were my only safe haven."

"It's ok, it's not your fault," I took her into my arms and hugged her close. She gave into the sobs following, pressing her head towards my chest.

I took the moment lacking her supervision to exchange glances with Carlisle. This wasn't an expected turn of events. Her mother taking a visit to crazyville before dying of cancer could have put Bella through all sorts of situations. This one concerning her dogs might only be one out of many.

We comforted Bella and spoke to her in soothing voices, telling her rehearsed lines of truths to make her realize she was not culpable for what her mother did, and that her mother loved her even though she'd not at the time been in full control of herself.

She nodded, oh, she nodded dutifully and her face flashed the right emotions at the right time. Carlisle was oblivious to the small shreds of deceit I picked up on, soon the pile of small and insignificant episodes forming turned into a considerably sized pool of lies.

When Carlisle ended his talk with Bella and as we sat in the car next to each other, I knew – I don't know how I knew, but I was certain Bella was hiding something from me still.

I figured it would come into the light soon enough, she'd after all promised me, but after today's enlightenment I found myself terrified by the depths of Bella's darkness.

"Thank you for today," Bella whispered and kissed my cheek as we pulled out of the lot. "I was completely lost at one point there, having nothing to hold on to."

"You were incredible," I replied and put my hand on hers.

"You're my kite string," she said it incredulously, as if she just put something together as she said it.

"What?" I asked confused. She smiled widely now, shaking her head as if telling herself it was too stupid to let me in on it.

"Never mind," she stifled a giggle to her own internal thoughts, "I love you."

-----

**Well? I'm fully expecting you to roll over each other to feedback me on this, I've been keeping such a strong leash on emotional outbursts like this for so many chapters this must have had some kind of effect on you - I know it had on me. Finally Edward and Carlisle speak, Bella has a breakthrough - and! Secrets were revealed! I feel like the easter bunny, here.**


	30. Chapter 30

A/n: Twilight and its characters are not mine.

_So here it is, the chapter to reveal it all. I've had a blast writing it, it's really special. Hopefully you'll be enjoying the happiness and the sadness just as much, preferrably at all ;p_

_There's one more chapter left to tie up the loose strings and one more thing Bella has to go through. I'll probably have it all giftwrapped and ready before too long. _

_ENJOY!_

_---  
_

**Chapter 30**

Edward let me off outsides my dorm after the session. I kissed him good bye and promised to come over to his place the next day. If Rose would let me.

It appeared she'd felt excluded from my life since the Christmas ball, and at the same time desperately trying to make up for the guilt she felt for introducing me to a maniac.

I'd really missed her beautiful person, the way she made it seem like she was the one who kept the world spinning, never letting anything stop her from being herself. If she has anything in her life not perfect she'd just make it work. I envied and loved that trait in her, wishing I'd be able to let everything weighing me down slide.

She threw herself at me like a puppy welcoming its family after being locked up for hours, wrapping her arms around me tightly. "Bella, I've missed you!" she squeaked.

"Easy there, not been that long," I replied awkwardly. I'd save hugs like that for people being away at least a year. Or Edward, but showing my love to him came natural to me. "We've met several times over the holidays," I reminded her.

"I was drunk half the time and you were hardly conscious the second," she snorted. "I've been so busy having sex with Emmett I haven't spent enough time with you," she stepped out of the hug then, looking utterly remorseful.

"Never thought I'd see the day Rosalie Hale would regret having sex," I remarked snidely and went to sit on my bed.

Rose grinned devilishly. "I didn't say I regret it per say," she sat down next to me, the bed pitching her up and down by the weight, "but I wouldn't have minded spent some more time with you and Alice."

I grinned at her reluctant confession and fell back into the bed, exhaling deeply. "I'm exhausted," I exclaimed. Rose fell back to lie on her back next to me.

"Too bad," she said flatly, "I've planned to take you and Alice out to dinner, got that Christmas present to put to use."

I really was completely worn out after the previous session. Spilling your guts and opening up about ghosts in your past wasn't everyday activity for me, throw in a few panic attacks and overcoming phobias and you'd have a great recipe for fatigue.

Rose wouldn't hear it, though. She practically dressed me herself, brushed my hair and did my makeup, making me feel like a brainless manikin prepped for exhibition.

"Alice told me she even visited you back home in Forks," Rose mumbled sulkily while combing through my hair.

"Wasn't really a slumber party visit," I explained warily, hoping she'd drop it. I wasn't really in the mood for opening up and talking about my problems this quickly after escaping the woods.

Rose tugged a bit too hardly with the brush. "We could have a slumber party tonight?" She said suddenly, her voice blissful. I cringed. "Oh, don't be a grouch and ruin this, lots of coffee and ice cream!"

Even though it sounded like my worst nightmare at the time I grudgingly agreed. I'd missed her as well over the holidays, and I'd never object to spending more time with Alice. Hopefully she'd picked up on Edward and Carlisle being on better terms and could give me a full report.

Rose dragged me with her to the Chinese place where she, accompanied by Alice, forced me to consume four cups of coffee in between the meal. Alice, of course, was thrilled by the idea of a slumber party and wouldn't have me fall asleep the second we went back to the dorm.

"I'm gonna get caffeine-shock," I objected when they ordered another cup for me.

"I've heard ice cream helps for that," Alice grinned widely.

Rose tilted her head curiously then, eyeing me closely before speaking her mind. "So, you and Edward, huh?" She said musing, eyes intently on mine.

"Yeah," I said, uncertainty growing in my stomach.

"Well, spill it, has there been any action?" She asked wickedly, eyes never leaving mine.

I, already blushing just because of her firm gaze, conveniently found a piece of chicken on my plate of sudden interest. She chuckled scandalously at my averted eyes.

"Oh my, Bella, you naughty girl," she cackled evilly, my crimson hue deepening.

Alice wrinkled her forehead. "What? What she do?" She put down her cell phone and focused her attention to us again, clearly only now picking up on the strained atmosphere.

Rose shifted in her seat to face Alice who sat next to her, looking at her in a patronizing way, her voice teasing. "It seems Bella isn't innocent after all," she turned to me again, adding drily "letting him into the crypt after only a few weeks, tsk tsk."

I coughed in surprise by her formulation, cringing as the waitress who surely overheard what she'd said put the coffee down in front of me. Rose giggled wickedly. "You had sex with Emmett the first time you met!" I argued defensively.

Rose shrugged guiltlessly. "I like to take the horse out for a test ride," she said smiling sinisterly. "I don't know, I'd half expected you to close your legs until marriage. I'm rather happy you turned out not to be a prude." She looked at me like she was convinced I'd take everything as a compliment.

"Rose," I hissed muffled, trying to keep her from updating the entire restaurant on my sex life.

"Oh, come on, tell us _everything._ I need all the details, how was it? How was he? Is he _impressive_?" She said, the questions rolling off her tongue in trains.

This time though, I wasn't the only one wincing in embarrassment. Alice grimaced and squealed as Rose went on. "Ah, please don't!" She begged me, her face twisted in disgust.

"Alice, don't ruin the fun," Rose sulked and nudged her in annoyance.

"I'd rather not hear a single intimate word regarding Edward's sexual prowess, he's my brother," she objected fiercely, covering her ears with her hands.

Rose arched an eyebrow at her a split second before turning to me again. "Don't mind her, go on, please," she pressed.

Alice slapped her shoulder in frustration, hurrying to concealing her ears again while sending me a begging glare.

"I'm not sharing anything," I declared, Alice clapping happily in response. Rose groaned disappointed and huffed. "Except that it was great," I added quickly, grinning sheepishly. Alice squirmed and whined in her seat, meanwhile Rose now took over the clapping.

"Oh, whine, Alice. This is juicy!" Rose complained at Alice, clearly blaming her for not being served more tasty treats from me. Rose's face twisted into a sudden smile of menace, ominously foreshadowing the words she then spoke into the ear belonging to the pixie-like girl next to her. "Don't think about Edward naked, having sweaty sex with Bella, begging her to-"

"Aaaaa!" Alice yelled and covered her ears while rocking back and forth. "My ears!" She exclaimed.

"Evil," I pointed out, stifling a laugh at Alice's reaction.

Rose giggled. "I told her 'don't'," she explained innocently.

"Scarred for life," Alice whispered agonized.

The rest of the slumber party soon had my spirits raised. Rose with her brilliant personality, always having fun at our expense, and Alice's riveting enthusiasm to everything she encountered. They really were my own gas station of love, just being with them had me feeling replenished in energy, my outlook on life suddenly appearing much less gloomy.

Rose was in fact the first to fall asleep; succumbing to slumber's sweet embrace in the middle of season 2 of Sex and the City. Her revealing snores had me and Alice sharing a muffled laugh.

"Glad to see you're not brooding anymore," Alice commented in a whisper, helping herself to another scoop of ice cream. She drizzled non-stop over and finished off with chocolate syrup. It was beyond me how she managed to keep as fit as she was with that appetite.

"You guys cheer me up," I smiled and grabbed a spoon full of her ice cream.

"I noticed both Carlisle and Edward moping less today, as well," she remarked offhandedly while eating and feigning interest towards the TV.

I grabbed another spoon from her food. "They had a chat today," I explained vaguely. Alice smiled broadly, but said nothing. "He's promised to work on standing up to him in the future," I added then.

"Oh, Bella," Alice exclaimed, "you're so perfect for him. Please, whatever he does, never leave him!" She begged then, clutching my arm.

"Oh, don't worry, he's stuck with me," I whispered back.

*

I shared my time between school and sleep between being at my dorm room and being at Edward's the following week. I enjoyed being both places, all though Edward's apartment felt slightly better. Especially with him in it.

Tuesday I had my first class in biological psychology, and was pleasantly surprised to see Professor Stanley preparing for the lecture as I entered my eyes stinging from too little sleep. She'd seen me worse; I told myself and strolled casually past her. I noticed she cocked her head up from her papers as I went by, but kept on walking and headed towards the stairs.

She coughed, clearing her throat. "Miss Swan," her voice sounded from behind me. I felt my heart race faster, turning I saw she had the usual unreadable expression on her face. I hadn't really had any close contact with her after the psychotic episode, Edward had told me she'd been present and witnessed the whole episode. Marvelous.

"Professor Stanley?" I said, using my less then steady legs to walk across the floor to her desk. Students milled into the auditorium passing by in front of me, making the dreadful walk over to her last even longer. I was terrified she'd comment on how bad I looked or ask me what had happened back then.

"Miss Swan," she repeated as I reached her. "You pulled together in the end in microbiology, I thoroughly enjoyed your paper," she said firmly, in a tone I dared to read as praising. My eyes widened in confusion.

"Uh, I thought the exams were anonymous?" I stuttered, completely floored by her congratulations.

She smiled the tiniest of smiles, making her come off as sly. "I'd recognize your way of writing from miles away," she explained and became her stoic self again. When Edward said she was an acquaintance of Carlisle he'd failed to mention they went to the same 'taming your facial expressions' class.

"Oh, well, then, thanks," I muttered, blushing.

"Don't mention it," she said quickly, as if she regret saying anything at all to me, and as if she meant it literarily. I nodded and went to sit with the rest of the class.

As I sat down I dared to let a smug smile cross my lips. I was far from the failure I'd once felt like when sitting here during the previous semester. And I knew who I owed it all to, I knew who'd stood by me and helped rebuild my foundation and helped me raise the walls to the house that was me. Edward. My heart fluttered thinking of him, my Edward.

After the lecture I headed towards the dorm, hoping to escape carrying the heavy backpack when having my usual session with Carlisle. As I crossed the lawn I experienced a déjà vu, finding myself face to face with the giant that was Jake. He stood the exact same spot he'd stood so many months ago, only this time his face was peaceful, not twisted into dismay; this time when seeing him my heart skipped a beat in delight, not in anger and fear.

"Jake! You're back!" I cried and ran towards him. He grabbed me and took me into his arms, burying me in a deep hug.

"I'm back," he whispered into my ear softly. He put me down and took a step back. "Healthy as a horse," he said, pointing at himself proudly.

We both knew we'd always be prone to fall into abuse again, but looking at him I was convinced he was as well as he would ever be. He looked fantastic, radiating happiness like I remembered him doing. He was my old Jake again.

"Where's your girlfriend then?" I asked, turning my head to see if he'd brought her with her.

He shook his head. "She's back home, but don't worry, you'll meet her soon enough," he assured me. "How you doing? Your dad said you were at the hospital?" His voice was concerned now, his hand gingerly resting on my shoulder.

I clenched my teeth, a sudden irritation over my dad telling people about my incident flaring up inside of me. "Did he now," I said between grit teeth.

"Oh, leave it a rest, he was only worried," Jake huffed. I exhaled and thought to myself that it wasn't really surprising dad had told someone, he'd probably had a need to ventilate after I'd shut him out. "Tell me what happened, he said you'd nearly frozen to death?"

"Not my brightest moment," I muttered drily. "Got a bit overly dramatic and ran off into the woods on New Years. Got lost, got saved, got better," I downplayed as best as I could.

"I'm not gonna pull the obvious parallel here, Bells," Jake said sharply, boldly, ignoring my angry glare, "because I know you're getting help," he added.

An interval of silence fell. I refused to say anything related to where he was threading now, and let him hanging. He shook his head in exasperation. "It scares me to hear stuff like that. You've got to realize, I feel like you're a ticking bomb. All it seems I can do though, is hope that you'll be defused before you go off and…" He let the ending fade away, his big worried eyes piercing into mine.

"I'm gonna be fine," I replied confidently. "I'm actually headed to therapy now," I explained.

"Oh, that's great. Mind if I walk you there?" He offered, taking my backpack when I shot it grudging looks.

"Not at all, I'm really glad you're… back," I stated, the subtext clear as day. It wasn't only physically I felt Jacob Black had returned to me.

"I'm really happy about it, too, Bells. Hopefully we can spend some quality time together this semester, not the destructive crap we pulled the previous one," he said expectantly, glancing down at me warily.

"I'd love that, Jake," I assured him happily.

I contemplated all my metaphors then. How Jake had been my safe harbor before, the one I docked in to be protected from the unruly seas that was my darkness.

Problem was that Jake took me in and all though secured me from the pain, he'd never be able to do anything more. The sea would always be there. With Edward it was different. He was the string to my kite that kept me grounded, but he was what made me face my darkness, let it's winds thrust me and shake me, and making me realize that it would never ever be able to break me.

I smiled as I came to see I'd be able to keep them both now, my lovely Jake and my fantastic Edward.

My session with Carlisle went by slowly. He tried to get through my barricades, wishing to penetrate the defenses and have me open up like I had in the forest. I wasn't caving.

He seemed to understand that I'd have to be in the right state of mind, and that I needed Edward to be there, because soon he gave it a rest. He cut the meeting short, saying I deserved some time off to prepare myself for tomorrow's session.

When I asked him what he'd got planned, he smiled knowingly and said Edward had something superb in store for me – and that I'd just have to be patient.

I hated being patient.

Needless to say, the first thing I did when exiting his office was calling Edward, trying to lure it out of him. He chuckled indulgently at my advances as he picked up on my sneaky questions about what he was planning on doing around noon tomorrow, refusing to let me in on it as well.

*

"I'm confused," I stated bewildered as Edward pulled into the driveway of his family's mansion. "I wasn't exactly comfortable when we ate dinner with your family, but it's not really necessary to have a session to make it simpler," I noted, masking my insecurity behind lame jokes.

Edward grinned his usual lopsided smile, kissed me on the cheek and beckoned me to follow him as he got out of the car.

"The suspense is killing me. I'm half ready to plunge into anything just to know what the hell you've planned," I stated in annoyance when catching up with him. He arched an eyebrow at my claim, chuckling humored, "oh, or is that your plan?" I asked suspiciously.

Edward laid his arm around my shoulder as we walked up the steps to the front door. "My dear little impatient Bella," he nudged me closer, I snorted at his patronizing words. "A few more minutes, that's all. If I told you what was going to happen all the time the reaction would be as raw and real as we need it to be."

I muttered something in irritation under my breath at his secrecy; he flung the doors open and yelled a hello into the house. The sound of high heels clicking announced Esme's arrival from the kitchen long before she entered the hallway. She smiled widely, obviously expecting us from the lack of surprise on her face when seeing me.

"Bella! Edward! It's so nice to see you again, Carlisle said you'd be here about now," she greeted and approached us gracefully.

"Is he here? I'd like to have a quick chat with him first, and I have to fetch something else as well," he smiled teasingly at me, knowing how this vague sentence would drive me insane. I narrowed my eyes to slits before turning to pouting.

"He's upstairs, in his office," Esme explained kindly with her warm, soothing voice. She was like a mother from a fairytale book extracted into real life. Edward nodded and sprinted up the stairs without as much as another word. I sighed, turning to Esme again.

She tilted her head a bit as she took me in. I had to look a mix between nervous and impatient. "He's a bit worked up, I can see. I've been told not to ask what's going on today, but I'm sure its fine," she comforted me.

"I guess," I breathed, uncertain of what to answer.

Esme glanced guardedly up at the stairwell before she leaned in towards me, speaking in a hushed voice. "I'm so glad you're together," she whispered, her face like a child with its hand in the cookie jar as she continued, "I never liked that Tanya girl, she wasn't exactly the sharpest knife."

I was so caught off guard by Esme's forwardness I couldn't prevent loud laughter from escaping me. Esme joined in, her body shaking heartily.

"Thanks," I managed to reply after stifling another round of laughs.

"I can see your influence so clearly," she continued, now a more somber voice but never without the warmth and pleasantness. "Its not just Edward; he's changed as well, happier, but I see it in Alice and Carlisle as well. They've all… Changed. You've really had a desired effect on the entire family, Bella. It's like you've been the missing piece of our puzzle all along."

Esme eyed me as I took in what she'd just told me. I'd never really felt as included into a family as I did right then and there. It was earth shattering, a miracle moment in my life, and yet it felt so real. So right.

"You've all changed me too," I replied back, Esme nodding as I said it.

Edward came down the stairs then, a duffle bag in his hand. He smiled cunningly at me when I noticed the bag.

"I'm taking Bella downstairs now," he told Esme and began pulling me after him towards a side door.

"Have fun!" Esme shouted after us as we descended into the basement.

At first there was only a dark brick stairwell, narrow walls on the sides as the stair twirled slightly. There were a few feet of floor at the bottom in front of a door. Edward put his hands on the knob and turned to me, slight smile, slight worry on his face.

"Brace yourself," he whispered and pushed it open.

My eyes were still on his face when the light seeped into and collided with the darkness from where we stood. It danced across his wary features, flickering. I knew instantly we'd opened the door to his family's indoor pool.

Of course they had an indoor pool, I found time to mutter bitterly to myself before panic struck me. My hand flew to his body for support instantaneously, grasping desperately at him, nails digging into his upper arm.

Edward winced in pain, but kept calm and stoically removed my hand with a firm movement of his. "Bella, breathe," he whispered softly and released my hand.

I felt how my eyes darted nervously back and forth in their sockets, taking in the bright room in front of me. They instinctively avoided the blue, as if it would be too much for them to handle if they rested more then a millisecond on it. So they shot back and forth, looking at the exercise bikes, running mills and the garden outsides.

I felt my heart pound in my chest, tingling in my stomach from adrenaline and how the familiar uncontrollable shaking began in my distal limbs. "Are you scared?" Edward questioned, more to check if I was mentally represented and not just a shell of a terrified person. I nodded wordlessly. "If you'd have to guess, how bad would jumping into the water be? On a scale from one to ten," he asked me curiously.

My eyes flashed to his suspiciously. "Ten, no question about it," I replied between shallow breaths. I leaned towards the doorway, feeling my legs buckle slightly beneath me just mentioning going anywhere near the water

Edward moved nimbly next to me, into the room. He gestured for me to follow him. I shook my head in resistance, refusing to let him lead me there. I felt my throat close up, low wheezing sounds sounded as I began gasping for air. My head began spinning in lack of oxygen.

"Bella," his voice resonated through the whole room, reminding me of swim lessons in school. I'd been excused on life time after throwing a severe fit once, never ever going close to anything remotely close to resembling a pool or stream. "Come, just try and walk into the room," he said confidently, urging me on.

I closed my eyes, fearful tears falling down my cheeks in result. I inhaled deeply, and while my lids still covered my eyes, I took a step towards Edward.

"Good, but keep your eyes open, Bella," he said guiding.

My eyes flew open and I cringed by being fully into the room now. Edward began opening his duffle bag and handed me a bikini shortly after. I eyed him incredulously, to signal how ludicrous this was, trying to make me enter the pool.

He arched an eyebrow at me when I didn't take the swimwear, ending up tossing it at me. I grabbed it reflexively and pouted reluctantly.

"Just put it on, you don't commit to anything by just changing. At the very least I get a nice view out of it," he teased and began undressing himself. I glanced at the wide windows covering the entire south wall, overlooking the massive garden. "I've told them to not come anywhere close for awhile," he explained catching my hesitant glance.

I bit my teeth together and pondered the choice of changing or running. He was already naked and about to put on his own swimwear; I could run pretty far before he could safely follow me and drag me down here again. Possibly reach the car and…

I regarded him as he put on his shorts, this beautiful Adonis in front of me, who was mine and only mine. I'd risk my life for him, I'd risk my life to be with him, and all thought I on some level knew I wasn't really in danger of dying here, I decided to risk feeling like I'd die for him - at least.

I congratulated myself silently on undressing and redressing quite swiftly and elegantly, not even fazed by Edward blatantly appreciating me while in between clothes.

"Professional," I remarked drily. He shrugged innocently.

"Preposterous, you know me; I'd never do anything remotely unprofessional," he said jokingly and smirked. He moved over to me and pulled me towards him, his lips pressing softly towards mine. Already dizzy from the hyperventilation, this really had my head spinning.

He let me go and stepped away from me, restraining himself and taking on his Carlisle-esque behavior when he spoke. "Now, Bella, get into the water," he ordered. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd said Isabella just to emphasize how detached he was then.

I gathered myself as much as I possibly could, trembling as I began making my way towards the edge of the pool. Every muscle in my body tensed, willing me to move the other way. My brain shouted at me, begged me, pleaded me to stop, not to put myself through this.

I overrode my body's pleas and wish to run away screaming, hiding from the fear that I was consciously making myself feel.

And it surrounded me completely, grabbed me and left me breathless. Images flashed through my head that felt like physical blows to my face. If the pain I felt had been physically induced I wouldn't have been able to separate it from the one I felt raging through me now.

As I got closer it got stronger, sweat breaking out on my forehead, involuntary cries from my throat as if I was being pushed towards the ledge and not walking freely. Edward stood silently next to me, observing calmly. I reminded myself of his presence whenever the darkness threatened to overpower me, replenishing my resistance and strength, pushing myself onwards.

I reached the edge of the pool finally, and registered that I was now sobbing wildly. My knees gave in and I sank to the ground, the water suddenly quickly closing on me in unexpected proximity.

"I can't do this," I screamed, looking at Edward. His face wasn't yielding an inch, but compassion flashed towards me. "It feels so fucking bad," I dredged, scraping my nails against the cold floor.

He was at my side then, hunching down next to my shivering body. "Bella, there's nothing to be afraid of, except the fear itself," he said seriously.

"Please, just say that I can go, I can't do this," I begged, my cries hysterical now. Edward's eyes twitched slightly, and I realized just how difficult this had to be for him, to deny me my desperate pleas to escape torture. I wasn't about to miss an opportunity to exploit his weakness. "Please, if you love me you'll not put me through this," I cried, fixing my eyes on him.

I knew I'd taken it too far the second I said it, his eyes darkening and his face suddenly sterner then I'd ever seen it before. He'd seen my abuse of his feelings for what they were, and he was too good a therapist to not react coldly towards me then.

I cursed angrily as I saw my final chance of escape slip away, refusing to give in just yet I let the sobs echo throughout the room again.

"You're stalling," Edward said coolly, I managed to wonder if he'd really got upset with how I'd tried to take advantage of his feelings towards me. Had I gone too far?

"That's because I don't fucking want to," I snapped at him angrily. He said nothing and let me wail on.

"You do want to, your darkness doesn't want you to," he replied levelly. I sobbed louder as he said that, he was right, and I knew then that I would do it. I would fucking do it.

I calmed myself as much as I possibly could, easing myself towards the ledge and peeked over it. I cringed and cried out as I gazed into the depths of the clear water, the thought of being completely covered in water raised the panic in me – but I somehow inched myself into sitting position and lowered to dip my feet slowly into the water.

"Great, Bella," Edward breathed next to me. He sat down besides me, mirroring my position. My red rimmed and sore eyes met his emerald green ones. He didn't say anything, there wasn't anything to say.

I felt the water surround my feet in a perfect temperature, engulfing them ominously.

"I feel as if I'm on the ledge all over again, only this time I have to jump," I whispered to Edward. He smiled sadly and his arm twitched as if he'd wanted to reach out and comfort me. He didn't.

I glanced back at the water, steadying my breath as much as possible. "Will you jump with me?" I asked, offering him my shaking hand. He nodded and took it.

"Are you ready?" He asked, his voice taking its turn to shake now. I smiled sadly, breathing close to normal now, my anxiety dropping.

"I'm much calmer now," I remarked, not looking away from the pool.

"It never lasts forever, it does subside," Edward explained and clenched my hand.

I drew my breath and swallowed. "She didn't have cancer," I heard myself say. The echo threw it back at me, saying it the first time was actually saying it twice. Edward's hand went cold in mine. "She had schizophrenia. A few months after she killed the dogs she took me to the river for a walk. She told me she was taking a swim, that she'd be right back, kissed my forehead and entered the stream fearlessly," I paused slightly, not daring to glance up at Edward. "I sat watching her, realizing when she was mid-stream she'd never taken off her clothes. I didn't even know it wasn't safe to swim there, I didn't know what to do, and then suddenly she was gone," I stopped as sobs demanded their space in my throat.

Edward hugged me towards him tightly, his hand caressing my back and kissing my head tenderly.

"She didn't die, I got lucky and found some people on a walk to help me. They got her to the hospital and revived her," I whispered between cries. "She made me say it had been an accident," I cried full on now, letting the memories completely enter my mind.

He listened to me sob for a long time, my feet feeling numb in the water, dehydration ironically affecting my body on the inside. But he let me weep, and for awhile a stray thought crossed my mind asking if it would ever end.

But it did. And he was still there, holding me tightly and supporting me against his bare upper body.

"You were just a child," he whispered, "she was sick and not in control of herself," he continued.

"I know, I'm not stupid, I know she was sick and probably deep down loved me deeply," I snapped at him.

"Do you, really?" He asked, cupping my chin in his hand, raising it to make me look into his eyes. "Do you?" He repeated.

I diverted my eyes and inhaled deeply. "She killed herself later," I said directly, sharply, hoping that it'd make him leave my guilty conscience at rest.

"How?" He asked velvety.

"Take one guess," I replied with a wry smile.

"Jumped off a cliff," he answered without hesitation. I nodded silently. "She was sick, Bella," he pressed.

I sighed. "She was, yes, I know. I get it," I whispered. He eyed me suspiciously.

Silence fell between us, only the soft splashing of water against the pool walls sounded for awhile, not even my cries broke the quietness.

"How's your anxiety now? Scale from one to ten," he asked as he released his grip on me.

"Four," I admit, nearly disappointed. All this show for such little panic in the end? I arrested myself and demanded that I'd see how great this was. I'd just told him mom tried to kill herself in front of me, and then later did it on her own, and I was still breathing.

"You'll have to talk to Carlisle about this, you know," he told me sternly.

"It'll be ok, I think," I said, surprising myself with how easy it was to imagine myself telling Dr. Cullen everything now that I'd already said it out loud once. I knew it would never have come to a first time around unless it had been Edward there listening.

"How far along do you think we've come to rebuild my house now?" I asked curiously. Edward smiled widely at the mention of our good old metaphor.

"I'm thinking we're only missing the roof about now," he decided and kissed my bare shoulder.

I gazed back at the pool. "Are you ready?" I asked agitated and anticipatorily.

And then together we plunged.

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**Ah, rollercoaster of feel-good and angst there. How'd you like Bella's secrets? I know some of you already had some clue that there was something fishy going on, cudos to you. **

**Reviews are happily accepted as always!  
**


	31. Chapter 31

A/n: Twilight and all its characters are not mine.

_So here it is, the final chapter. First off, thank you so much for getting this far, I'm honored anyone at all reads this. Second, if you've reviewed this and supported me, you need to know this chapter would never have existed without you. Thank you so much for you amazing words, you've been a great inspiration. Thank you, thank you._

_Been awhile since the previous chapter, but been completely lacking motivation. Finally I've managed to pull myself out of the rut that was writer's block to serve you the FINAL chapter in this story. Hopefully by the end of this you've come to terms with Carlisle's humanly character flaws, Edward's messing with Tanya, and hopefully, hopefully Bella will make more sense to you.  
_

_Enjoy!  
_

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**Chapter 31**

"Tell me about your mother," Dr. Cullen said with an air of accomplishment to his voice. He'd been acting relaxed ever since I stepped into his office, smiles frequently slipping through his mask of expertise. Dr. Cullen was undeniably happy.

I drew my breath and braced myself. I'd never imagined it to be this simple to speak of what I'd kept hidden for so long. There were nothing but words retelling my memories, and my unlocked memories no longer scared me.

It hurt though, like fuck. Like having my heart ripped out and stomped on. I'd been sobbing for nearly a week, collapsing into tears at any given time, overcome by sadness.

Edward stayed close to me, holding me while I rode it out, whispering comforting words into my ear.

It was like I lost her all over again.

"She was the most amazing mother," I began with a steady voice. I knew it wouldn't stay this calm for long. "Growing up I always knew we shared a special bond between us, not only mother-child, but as people. Had she been alive I'm sure we'd be the best of friends still."

"When did she start showing signs of her disease?" Dr. Cullen questioned after a prolonged time of silence from me, I was lost in thoughts. Old memories seemed to surface from nowhere lately, small glimpses of her that had been tucked away with the painful ones. I'd remembered her scent suddenly and sat intoxicated by reliving it. His words snapped me out of my daze.

"I'm not sure," I replied, "I was so young, I didn't know anything was out of the ordinary before dad left. I mean, I knew she was acting funny, I just didn't know it was because she was sick. After he left it all got painfully clear something wasn't right."

"Your dad left, and then she got worse," Dr. Cullen summed. I nodded, distracted by my memories, the period of his departure running like a bad drama movie through my head while we spoke. "Would it be wrong to assume that to you, an eight year old, it would seem your dad's absence caused the illness?"

I shook my head dismissively. "That's silly, I know he couldn't cause schizophrenia," I said, nearly laughing out loud at his ludicrous statement.

"I know you know this now," Dr. Cullen pointed out, leaning back into his chair. He changed the topic swiftly. "What do you remember of the year you spent with her from your dad leaving, until her demise?"

"I remember wanting to take care of her," my voice began shaking now, treacherous tears welling up in my eyes threatening to put my sadness on blatant display. I fought them fiercely, I wasn't going to cry, I was only retelling something that had already happened, there was nothing to cry about. I coughed to gather myself. "I played the perfect child for her, avoiding her when she threw tantrums and went along with her paranoia. She ranged from complete apathy, to a livid paranoia. I think I preferred the latter, the lethargic behavior scared me the most. At least she spoke to me when she was delusional," I recalled, my voice betraying me with frequent falter.

Dr. Cullen mirrored my silence, waiting patiently for me to continue.

"She was still my mom, but at the same time she wasn't," I said carefully, glancing up at Dr. Cullen to check if he approved of the phrasing. He nodded in agreement. "She'd refuse to bathe, the house was a mess. She'd get angry when I wanted to tidy," I carried on, furrowing my brow at the strange behavior.

"It's common for schizophrenics to use dirt as a protective layer against the world," he explained. "Refusing to wash it off or clean up offers a buffer from the world of sorts."

"Oh. Huh," I muttered silently. "After I got home and found the dogs… slaughtered," a tear fell down my cheek now, I wiped it angrily away, silently reprimanding myself for my weakness, "I don't know why I didn't say anything to anyone, but she promised everything would be ok, that they'd take me away from her if I told…" my voice tailed off and I bit my lip to stifle a sob.

Dr. Cullen shifted in his seat. "Bella, when things escalated with the murdering of your dogs you'd already taken care of her for a long time. In some way she'd already made your accomplice to keeping her disease a secret, and you complying with your mother's wishes at the time were only rational. You trusted her, she told you what to do, and you did," he eyed me warily as he said this.

Instantly a resistance to his words rose inside of me. I protested with furious shakes of my head. "Accomplice? She was sick, I should've known and told someone before letting her slip away," I argued.

Dr. Cullen's jaw clenched. "Why should you have known?"

"We shared a bond, we were unnaturally close, yet I didn't even know she was sick?" I spat in rage, knowing the anger was directed at myself.

"You weren't even old enough to know what a mental disease was, let alone diagnose your own mother when she acted weirdly," Dr. Cullen said quickly.

"My dad was," I whispered under my breath, causing Dr. Cullen to hold his next word back. His eyebrow arched subtly, revealing he had in fact caught my whisper.

"You hold yourself responsible for not preventing her suicide; you do this using hindsight, not taking into account that you were only a child. But when you consider your dad's part in it you don't award him the same leniency?" Dr. Cullen questioned rhetorically. I snorted. "You cannot blame him for leaving, Bella. He was a man seeing his wife transform into an indifferent person, a process probably going on a long time before you even took notice of it."

"He knew her, he should've known something was wrong," I said accusingly.

"You cannot blame him for leaving, Bella," Dr. Cullen repeated. An interval of silence fell between us again, he sighed before changing theme. "Tell me about her attempted suicide."

I controlled my seething fury directed at his scandalous proposal and gathered myself to be able to explain it as detached as I could. "There's not much to say. She went into the river and was rescued, brought back to life, even," I muttered, still traces of sulkiness tainting my voice from the previous discussion.

"So she did in fact die?" He asked intently.

"Yes." I replied shortly, defiantly opposing him without really consciously knowing why. Dr. Cullen was more skilled then to be fazed by my passive aggressiveness.

"How did you explain the incident to the hospital staff? I'm assuming you went to a hospital?" He asked uncompromising, catching the bits of the story I desperately wanted to avoid like a hawk searching for its prey. I silently damned him.

"We said it was an accident," I informed him nonchalantly, peeking up at him to confirm my suspicions; he wasn't fooled. Oh, he was far from fooled.

"We?"

I cringed. "She told me to tell them it was an accident," I admit reluctantly, but rushed to her defense the next second. "But she did say she didn't mean to, I mean, it's possible she regret it when it was too late, right?" I ranted, knowing very well while speaking the words I was grasping for straws.

"She wanted to kill herself, Bella," Dr. Cullen stated in a neutral tone, his eyes locked on mine.

My outward calm fell to ashes then, my shoulders slouching over by sobs. Dr. Cullen waited until I finally regained my breath and sobs became sniffles before he spoke again.

"Tell me about her suicide," he said then, his voice solemn.

I inhaled and grasped the arm rest for support. "She went into the woods without telling me, threw herself off a cliff. A week later someone at school called home to alert her that I wasn't doing so well in some class, when they for obvious reasons couldn't reach her, and because I wouldn't tell them where she was, they went to my house." I closed my eyes in shame remembering how they'd reacted to seeing the insides of our house. Garbage everywhere, the horrible smell hitting us like a wall when entering.

"You didn't tell anyone for a week?" Dr. Cullen asked, incredulous. My eyes shot to his in confusion, before I realized what I then felt was a natural response really wasn't.

"I didn't want her to get in trouble; I knew they'd take me away. I was convinced she'd return to me," I whispered. My hand flew to my mouth as I said it, grasping just how ridiculous it sounded as I spoke it out loud.

I'd been carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders, thinking it was a weight I had to bare.

"Didn't you have any grief counselors?" Dr. Cullen asked skeptically.

"I did, but I barricaded myself and told everyone I was ok. With exception of the panic attacks I was, I really was," I said, urging him to believe what I knew sounded preposterous.

He nodded. "You were, you avoided thinking about it and you were ok. Except when forced to face things that reminded you of her or death," he mused in agreement. "Denial is a great defense mechanism." He concluded sternly.

"I guess." I sighed, feeling as if I'd just participated in a marathon, completely drained of energy. "Will I ever be ok?" I asked resigned.

He smiled assuring at me across the desk. "Yes, I'm sure you will."

I eyed him skeptically, not quite daring to share his enthusiasm or confidence. This never seemed to end.

"You'll need several sessions of regular therapy to work through these issues with her death, but the anxiety will after what I can tell from Edward's reports come to an end after one more session," Dr. Cullen claimed, the air of happiness once more surrounding him. He really wanted me to be well. "The oppression of your memories caused the attacks, when you come to a complete release they will no longer haunt you in that way."

"Really?" I asked, floored by the short path suddenly revealed. I leaned forwards in the chair in surprise.

"Yes, really," he grinned widely now.

I sat back, dazed. "Wow."

"But there's other issues to work on in therapy," he began, ruining my good mood. I sighed sullenly. "You direct your blame towards yourself, feeling guilty for not being able to hinder her suicide," he said, "and you blame your dad for leaving you with her, and leaving her on her own. You feel he shouldn't have left his child with someone as ill as she was, and you hold him in contempt for not seeing the disease, but instead abandoning her."

"Yes," I agreed, watching him dubiously, certain he was building up for an attack.

"Yet you harbor none for your mother, who is the genuine source of all this," he stated cynically.

"She was sick," I pressed, my nostrils flaring furiously at his accusation.

"Yes, and meanwhile that's an explanation for her actions, you still find it reasonable to blame yourself and your dad? Can you not let the two of you off with that excuse as well?" He sat perfectly still, our breaths filling the silence. "Your dad and you aren't to blame, because she was sick." He said it again, this time slowly and severely.

I winced, feeling myself contest his point. It felt so natural to me to put the blame in myself and Charlie. I'd always been able to convince myself that was where the guilt lay.

"I'm not saying you should come to terms with this instantaneously, Bella, I know it goes deeper then what one session can heal. But, you've probably never even given that angle leeway before, and you needed to be made aware of it," he continued then. I sat in silence, staring at my shoe laces intently, trying to clear my mind of the dangerous thoughts that threatened to enter my mind.

Had I treated dad like shit all this time, and he wasn't even to blame? At all?

I discarded the thought quickly, refusing to acknowledge its legitimacy.

"Are we done now?" I asked breathlessly, unable to meet Dr. Cullen's eyes.

"Yes. But I want to continue to talk about your mother, even after the final session you have with Edward tomorrow. If you'll let me?"

I couldn't divert my eyes from him anymore, his insecurity and pleading caught me off guard. I'd never experienced him more vulnerable then in that exact moment.

"Of course," I replied incredulously.

"Thank you, Bella," he replied, smiling.

--

I got into Edward's car, where he sat waiting dutifully in the parking lot outsides the psychological institute, and was certain he'd caught my wobbly stroll across the grounds. I was utterly shaken up from the session with Dr. Cullen, as if the mental foundation I stood on quaked.

"How are you?" He asked concerned and kissed me softly as I sat down next to him. I didn't reply at first, I didn't know how to sum up how I felt. "You were in there for quite some time," he said distressed.

I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and cringed internally by the paleness of it. I looked like a corpse.

"I'm going to be ok, just a bit… disturbed." I leaned over to kiss him tenderly back, my fingers caressing his. His hand jolted back under my touch. "What?" I asked confused, eyeing his recoiled hand.

"You're dead cold," he replied, taking my hands into his and rubbing them.

"Oh, I didn't notice." I was being honest; the previous session clouded my mind and had me replaying Dr. Cullen's words over and over again in my head.

"Are you afraid?" Edward asked suddenly, anxiously. I shook my head. "Cold hands are normal when you're terrified," he explained at me when I cocked an eyebrow.

"You medically trained people are so exhausting," I scoffed and withdrew my hands, rubbing them towards my thighs instead. "I really need to surround myself with someone not analyzing every single physical and mental reaction I'm having," I joked resigned.

Edward chuckled and kissed my neck, goose flesh appearing across my skin. "Where to?" He asked and turned on the engine.

I leaned my head towards the seat and gazed at him from where I sat. "Can you take me to Forks? I've got someone I need to talk to," I asked carefully. His eyes widened at my request, but hurried to reverse the car and back out of the lot, as if he was afraid I'd change my mind.

When we reached Charlie's house it was dark outsides, the front lights illuminating the white house as we pulled up. I sighed deeply and braced myself for confrontation; Edward hugged me tightly and watched me step out of the car. We hadn't discussed him remaining behind in the car, but I was thankful that he understood this was something I had to do alone. Bringing him with me would make this about my dad meeting my new boyfriend, and not about me and dad.

Dad and I. I felt guilt curse inside of me thinking of how I'd kept him at a distance all these years, ruining our chance at a normal father-daughter relationship because I'd been convinced he was to blame for mom killing herself.

The feelings of hatred towards him were still there, lingering, but now I knew they were unjustified. Somehow I'd always known, that was probably why I'd never let him talk about his departure, because if he'd had the chance he'd tell me the truth.

I contemplated knocking the door, just to make it go along with the dramatic encounter I was about to have. Instead I bent down and picked up the key from underneath the mat. How cliché.

The house was dark, but I heard muffled sounds from the living room, evidencing his presence in front of the TV. I was tip-toeing, but didn't know why. I'd probably end up scaring the living shit out of him if I ran into him being this silent.

I stood behind his chair, noting that he was watching some game, and that he'd only had a couple of beers. His back was to me, and I wondered if I should just leave. Recent therapeutical methods had me opting to not avoid what I feared, and I coughed into the silence.

Charlie twirled his chair around startled, letting out a gasp of surprise. His hand went to his chest and he breathed heavily from the shock as he laid eyes on me. "Bella! You scared me, Jesus Christ!"

"Sorry," I winced and went to sit in the sofa next to his chair. "I should've called."

"No, that's ok, just caught me off guard there," he said, recollecting his wits and calming his breath. "What are you doing here?" He seemed to remember that we weren't exactly on speaking terms lately, a crease forming between his brows.

"Uh," I muttered, my resolve still strong, but choice words evading me suddenly. How was I going to say it? _Hey, dad, sorry about hating you for over a decade, I realize now that I was wrong._ Or; _Charlie, I love you!_

It all seemed so fake, the ideas flying through my head. I knew they were from some sort of Hollywood-scenario, where people kiss and make up on a whim. This wasn't like that, but I still needed something to say, preferably not directly referenced from a movie.

"Are you ok?" He asked, worry coloring his eyes.

"No, nothing like that," I shook my head. "Look, dad. I've been going to therapy," I began, my voice hardly audible. "I just… I've been such a bitch." I said it so wretchedly I would have rushed over to hug myself if possible. Charlie didn't.

"Bella, there's…" He stuttered, taken aback by my sudden emotional outburst. It was like the Olympic finals in being uncomfortable. I was certain I'd bring home gold.

"Dad, please, let me speak," I cut in and sighed. He became silent, sipping nervously off his beer. "I think… I've really screwed things up between us, and I'm sorry. I want you to know I'm really sorry," I fought my tears, this wasn't the time for tears. I wasn't about to wail and throw myself into his arms, I was here to tell him so he'd stop feeling as if I was blaming him.

"Bella, it's ok. Really, it's ok," dad said sincerely, reaching his hand towards me, before his courage failed him and it fell limply to his side. "Let's just… I wish we could just talk. It hurts not talking to you." His voice brimmed of pain, I cringed in guilt.

"I can do that," I replied softly and dared to meet his eyes. We stared at each other in ironic silence for several minutes, but the silence was no longer tense. It held promise and hope, and I looked into my father's eyes for the first time in a long while without hate.

It was a start.

--

"Does it have to be all the fucking way up?" I whined, heaving for my breath and leaning my hands on my thighs for support.

"You didn't seem this tired the last time we hiked this way, maybe I should start pushing you into jog sessions instead when all this is done," Edward said teasingly from where he stood further up the path. I sent him a wry glare before willing myself into motion again.

"I'd rather die," I replied sardonically as I passed him, hearing him chuckle from behind me.

We had less luck with the weather this time, dark clouds and frosty weather contrasting the blue and sunny skies accompanying us the last time we'd headed towards the now infamous ledge.

"Oh, there's the rock where we had that brief stop the other time," Edward said and pointed towards what could be any rock in the universe to me.

"Oh, yes, that one, I recognize it by its familiar rock-features," I mumbled drily. "It's really one of a kind."

Edward rolled his eyes at me. "You're really a true natural at being orientationally challenged. You really don't remember stopping here?" He asked incredulously.

I huffed, partly from the strain of walking and partly in fury. "I remember stopping."

Edward sighed, but sent me an overbearing loving glance that I caught. I felt butterflies in my stomach fluttering.

We walked on, passing nothing familiar on our way, until I found myself facing the cliff – freshly forged in my memory forever. My body tensed just seeing it from afar.

Edward got up next to me, regarding the ledge as well, with somewhat less trepidation then what I felt sneaking up on me. He laid his arm around my shoulder and pulled me towards his chest. "It'll all be over soon," he whispered comfortingly.

I hugged myself reflexively, shivering without being cold.

Edward walked slowly towards the ledge, putting his backpack down by the tree we'd rested against so many months ago. I nearly smiled, remembering he'd mistakenly thought I was about to kiss him, and how he withdrew from me. I could kiss him as much as I wanted to now.

That is, if I could push myself to walk over to him.

"How much anxiety do you predict, on-" he began with his Carlisle-esque voice.

"On a scale from one to ten," I interrupted childishly, with a voice signaling the tediousness of his line. "It was nine the last time. I'm sure it'll match it," I whispered, less bravado in my voice this time.

Edward nodded gravely and gestured with his hand for me to commence my final stage in our unorthodox exorcism of my darkness. It was like he was signaling for me to get on a stage, take my place and let the show begin. In the lead: my darkness.

Anxiety bubbled predictably inside of me as I stepped towards the ledge, careful steps. I waited in anticipation for the overwhelming fear as I got closer and closer, expecting for it to throw a sneak attack any time.

But my steps kept coming and I realized as I passed Edward that I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't submerging into the pools of despair. I was anxious, yes, but engulfed by terror I was not.

"Bella," Edward's voice warned suddenly. I had floated away into absentmindedness by the amazing lack of expected feelings, unaware of the fact that I was now balancing on the ledge's edge. His voice brought me back into consciousness and I jerked startled by the proximity of the edge.

"Oh, sorry," I whispered and backed a few steps, still staring bedazzled at the cliff beneath me.

"How's your anxiety?" He asked from behind me, his voice nearly lost in the soft wind.

"Zero," I replied breathlessly. "It's zero."

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_Reviews are accepted hopefully :)  
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